[mention]lust2hart [/mention] do you ever get to see YOUR family on Christmas, or is the expectation that you’ll always spend the holiday with your ILs? If your ILs expect you to never spend Christmas with your side (or whoever is important to you), then they are the AHs.
I can't be the only one who doesn't really notice what their kids are wearing every day, right? Mine do their own laundry (regularly) so I assume their clothes are clean, and they don't stink and literally I have no idea what they wear even though I see them every day.
Before my kids were born, and for years after, there was a daily post called Baby Outfit of the Day. So, yes, many people notice their kid's outfit
Mine live in the same handful of items on the top of the clean laundry pile. I have stopped buying them clothes until they really need them. I've given away too many brand new, never worn items to waste any more money.
Oh good lord. I'm acquainted with quite a few global corp VPs. They can spend Thanksgiving with family. They can even afford to fly there. To save time. And not drive 14 hours.
For real, why is anyone driving 14 hours, much less someone who it doesn't seem like should have a tight budget?!
I wonder if the SIL really doesn't like her family so she tells them that she HAS to be with her H's family on Christmas as a way to not be with them. Everything else just isn't believable.
I also admit I have a bit of an issue with thinking my kids looking unkept is a reflection on me.
Oh, I *know* people think my kid’s eccentric appearance and presentation are a reflection on me (and my parenting). After all, I’m the crazy lady who is “letting her kid be trans.”
Which is exactly why they can wear their lavender polo shirt with tie dye sweatpants the second it comes out of the laundry - even if that is twice in one week.
They are going to face judgmental bullshit everyday. They might as well face it in their five favorite outfits.
My dad doesn't drive. He uses a walker a needs help with almost everything. I order Instacart for him, preferably when I'm there to help put it away. 98% of the shopper brings it to the door, if not inside of his place and offers to help. I placed an order, but missed the delivery notification because I was in a meeting. It was outside...when it's pretty warm. There were frozen meals which the shopper knew about. Am I an a$$hole if I lose my mind on Instacart? I didn't leave notes to bring it inside...buuuuut I didn't think I had too either?
Thankfully the building staff found it and brought it in to the lobby, but they didn't call my dad because they didn't know who the order belonged too.
Oh and the building has rolling carts by the door to help the residents, families, and services to transport heavy things.
Absolutely the asshole. How would the person know? Every other service they just leave it at the door and it’s your responsibility to get it. They probably had other orders in their car they had to drop off
I'm very much a "Christmas is for your nuclear family, everyone else can blow chunks with their expectations" person. I also hate Xmas, so there's that.
Holidays are the one time I wish we lived further from family. Since we are all in the same neighborhood, everyone is expected to spend every holiday together. Some years I just want to stay home and not lug everything somewhere and then have to pack dishes, presents, etc back home.
Ugh, I agree! We're 30 or 45 minutes from everyone so both Christmas and Easter involve us schlepping back and forth between his family and mine, having to bring food for each gathering plus presents (well, on Christmas at least) and then when we get back home finally its multiple trips to the car to get everything out and put it away and I'm just so tired and DONE by the end of the day. Sometimes I'm jealous of my brother out in CA who doesn't have to do this. But, he would probably say he's lonely so I guess the grass is always greener.
[mention]lust2hart [/mention] do you ever get to see YOUR family on Christmas, or is the expectation that you’ll always spend the holiday with your ILs? If your ILs expect you to never spend Christmas with your side (or whoever is important to you), then they are the AHs.
Yes, my family is on the way to MIL’s. So this change affected my family too, and I’m sure they, at least my parents, aren’t happy about it either - but bc I only have one sibling it’s easy for the whole family to still get together at Thanksgiving.
For real, why is anyone driving 14 hours, much less someone who it doesn't seem like should have a tight budget?!
I wonder if the SIL really doesn't like her family so she tells them that she HAS to be with her H's family on Christmas as a way to not be with them. Everything else just isn't believable.
My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL take several days off at Christmas. They drive 7 hours to her parents’ and stay w them for a couple of nights, then drive 7 hours to MIL’s and stay a couple of nights, then drive 14 hours back to their house.
They will continue to do this bc, according to BIL, his wife cannot take any significant amount of time off at any other time of the year. He’s even said that if we were to visit them in the summer, we probably wouldn’t see much of SIL bc her job is so crazy.
ETA that this is probably why they drive, bc they see both sets of parents who both live a decent drive from an airport. They need the car to get from one place to the other. I suppose they could fly to MIL’s for Thanksgiving, but again, it’s a 90-minute drive from the closest airport to her house. And my SIL’s parents are even further from an airport.
I also admit I have a bit of an issue with thinking my kids looking unkept is a reflection on me.
Oh, I *know* people think my kid’s appearance and presentation is a reflection in me (and my parenting). After all, I’m the crazy lady who is “letting her kid be trans.” Which is exactly why they can wear their lavender polo shirt with sweatpants the second it comes out of the laundry - even if that is twice in one week. They are going to face judgmental bullshit everyday. They might as well face it in their five favorite outfits.
Yep! Great lesson to learn. Also to learn they're only judging the woman in this situation.
Years after it happened a mom-figure in my life told me about when I showed up to church, probably on Easter with a chocolate stain on my dress and how much sorrow she felt for me, my sister, and my dad as my mom was a good friend of hers (hence mom-figure role). And how my dad must have been so overwhelmed being a newly single dad he didn't notice.
Now, imagine how a single divorced (or, gosh! never married) mother would have been perceived. Probably not the same.
As a result of the combo of my personality, being too old to give fucks, and living in a region with the wildest mixed patterns, I'm pretty much feral when it comes to clothing. I don't bat an eye at an old man wearing a shirt with large bananas mixed with a plaid sarong or a woman wearing contrasting prints for top and bottom. Goodonya!
Post by mrsukyankee on May 17, 2024 3:03:15 GMT -5
My birthday is on the 26th of Dec. I've gone home 2x for the winter break since moving over here almost 20 years ago. My parents are divorced and in very different parts of the US. It made for not so much fun to have to travel on a plane for hours (with no direct flight) and leave at an ungodly time on my birthday, in order to give each parent a 'holiday' to celebrate with me.
We now go to the States in the summer, every two years and the timing doesn't matter (though we did try to do it during my parents' birthdays a few times, which are a few days apart).
I am thankful that no one pushes and that my MIL doesn't give a flying about any holiday.
Man, some of these clothing posts are making me wonder what you all would think of my parenting, lol.
This was a common outfit for DD when she was in her "red phase". Red camo sweatshirt and pants (matching, because of course), with red zip up (that she literally wore every day) and red shoes. I just didn't have the energy to care and it made her happy. shrug.
PDQ pic **poof**
Life is too short for me to make my kid feel bad about what clothing makes her happy and is comfy for her. Honestly, I usually tell her I am proud that she marches to the beat of her own drum and doesn't GAF about what other kids are doing. See also: knee high Bombas pride socks daily or blue/purple hair. I'm not saying you all are, to be clear.
Man, some of these clothing posts are making me wonder what you all would think of my parenting, lol.
This was a common outfit for DD when she was in her "red phase". Red camo sweatshirt and pants (matching, because of course), with red zip up (that she literally wore every day) and red shoes. I just didn't have the energy to care and it made her happy. shrug.
Life is too short for me to make my kid feel bad about what clothing makes her happy and is comfy for her. Honestly, I usually tell her I am proud that she marches to the beat of her own drum and doesn't GAF about what other kids are doing. See also: knee high Bombas pride socks daily or blue/purple hair. I'm not saying you all are, to be clear.
Hey, when you look good in red you've got to wear it! Great job, I love this so much!
Post by maudefindlay on May 17, 2024 8:03:13 GMT -5
When I was in 4th grade I had an Esprit sweatsuit that was just soft as butter and that winter I wore that baby 2 to 3 times a week, it just felt that good. I had other clothes, but why wear that when I could feel like I was wearing a literal cloud?
Man, some of these clothing posts are making me wonder what you all would think of my parenting, lol.
This was a common outfit for DD when she was in her "red phase". Red camo sweatshirt and pants (matching, because of course), with red zip up (that she literally wore every day) and red shoes. I just didn't have the energy to care and it made her happy. shrug.
Life is too short for me to make my kid feel bad about what clothing makes her happy and is comfy for her. Honestly, I usually tell her I am proud that she marches to the beat of her own drum and doesn't GAF about what other kids are doing. See also: knee high Bombas pride socks daily or blue/purple hair. I'm not saying you all are, to be clear.
My daughter has a navy Flight 93 Memorial hoodie that she wears every day to school. Every day. That thing could probably stand up on its own now. We do what we can.
Well, I have one. I am graduating at 8 am tomorrow. I barely have time between work today and picking up my BFF from out of town and getting her room ready to do anything for myself. I discovered at 8 am THIS MORNING, that the graduation party I told my family I didn't want (and I repeatedly said to my husband literally - I do not want to host my own graduation party, I do not want a big deal) is being held AT MY HOUSE. I knew my mom was planning something and I assumed it was at her house. My husband told me this morning he was going to pick up the cake and I was like, just take it straight to her house and he's all, why would I do that, the party is here. I called my mom and she was like, I told him it was a bad idea but he insisted and wanted to invite 40 people so I'm paying for it but he's supposed to be getting the house ready. Reader, the house IS NOT ready. I have no way to get it ready. And now my mom and husband don't understand why I'm upset, and I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit. I just want to cry. And for context, I spent my own mother's day hosting a party for my brother at my house because my husband volunteered us for that.
Post by maudefindlay on May 17, 2024 9:56:19 GMT -5
circa1978 You are totally justified to run away and stay at a hotel this weekend. I'm so sorry you are getting exactly what you did not want. I hope it turns out better than you expected, but sheesh.
Post by litskispeciality on May 17, 2024 9:59:16 GMT -5
circa1978 first of all well deserved congratulations!!! I hope you can enjoy your day. 1000% NTA. It's one thing to say we'll have our immediate family over for cake regardless of the fact that you stated NO 400 times...but to invite 40 effing people?!? Oh I'm so ragey for you. Let me know if you need help with re-homing.
I wore the same yellow pants in 4th grade almost every single day. I think I wore a lot of the same things in 5th grade too. My mom tried really hard to offer me new clothes, but nothing really stuck until end of year when it got warm and I got a couple of new summer outfits...that I wore a lot. Later I wanted a lot of new clothes and it stressed my dad out because clothes are expensive and I didn't *need* that many, or I could have used money from my job to buy them.
I don't know I think we need to shift our mindsets that mom's are doing a lot. They're washing clothes, but they have to get kids out the door, so pick your battles? Tutu and rainboots when it's 90 degrees and sunny...go nuts! Also what about kids, or adults, or anyone who doesn't have enough money to buy a lot of clothes? Should we shame them? This is a big thing for me even now as I've stated before I'll wear the same thing 3 times if it gets me moving. Good advice here has been don't worry if others care about repeat outfits.
circa1978, first, huge congratulations on your graduation! Second, omg I’d feel murderous.
It might reassure you to know, though, that I almost never notice the state of a house when I’m at a party. I feel pretty sure that your house is just fine. Still, the disregard for your feelings is outrageous.
Post by litskispeciality on May 17, 2024 10:03:56 GMT -5
I'm not going to say anything to Instacart. I understand where I went wrong, and apparently just got lucky that everyone else delivers to the door. Does anyone have advice of how to have the best chance of the items brought up to the door? I will place a note, but do I need to indicate the customer has limitations and can't bring up groceries on their own? Should I need to do that? I don't want to be snarky, but my brother went through this when I was at his place. He wrote a note of where to leave it, and gave an extra tip. Stuff was left outside of the building door (there's a buzzer). I was there to help, but what do you do if you live alone and don't have help?
Trust me I tip these services well and I wouldn't want to do that job (way too high stress). Just seems like part of ordering groceries is to not go out, so how do you meet in the middle with getting them inside (obviously you put them away)?
Omg circa - there is an asshole and it isn’t you. I’d tell them both the party needs to move to moms and they need to do what it takes to make that happen (call people, get her place ready, whatever).
circa1978 , first, huge congratulations on your graduation! Second, omg I’d feel murderous.
It might reassure you to know, though, that I almost never notice the state of a house when I’m at a party. I feel pretty sure that your house is just fine. Still, the disregard for your feelings is outrageous.
Thank you for this. I had a whole thing written out about people judging the state of my house, but basically just trying to remind myself as long as the place is sanitized (clean toilets, clean sheets etc.) it really doesn't matter if it's spotless. People are just going to make it dirty an hour in to the visit!
I'm not going to say anything to Instacart. I understand where I went wrong, and apparently just got lucky that everyone else delivers to the door. Does anyone have advice of how to have the best chance of the items brought up to the door? I will place a note, but do I need to indicate the customer has limitations and can't bring up groceries on their own? Should I need to do that? I don't want to be snarky, but my brother went through this when I was at his place. He wrote a note of where to leave it, and gave an extra tip. Stuff was left outside of the building door (there's a buzzer). I was there to help, but what do you do if you live alone and don't have help?
Trust me I tip these services well and I wouldn't want to do that job (way too high stress). Just seems like part of ordering groceries is to not go out, so how do you meet in the middle with getting them inside (obviously you put them away)?
I'm not understanding what you want them to do. Your dad lives in a facility, and you want them to not deliver to the facility's front door, but to your dad's door in the complex? There's a lot of variables, but it seems like you want them to perform a task that is outside of their delivery scope, and something the facility itself should be performing.
Post by emilyinchile on May 17, 2024 10:11:46 GMT -5
circa1978 omg, HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. Since your mom agrees this is awful, is there any chance she can last minute host it instead? Since you originally wanted it at her place I'm assuming she lives close enough that people who are planning on coming to your house wouldn't be inconvenienced by going to her house instead. And seriously, tell your husband that if it's at your house YOU ARE NOT GOING and that the house is NOT ready and that you aren't about to give him a list of what needs to be done to get it ready because he is a fucking grown up with eyes to have figured it out before now.
I'm not going to say anything to Instacart. I understand where I went wrong, and apparently just got lucky that everyone else delivers to the door. Does anyone have advice of how to have the best chance of the items brought up to the door? I will place a note, but do I need to indicate the customer has limitations and can't bring up groceries on their own? Should I need to do that? I don't want to be snarky, but my brother went through this when I was at his place. He wrote a note of where to leave it, and gave an extra tip. Stuff was left outside of the building door (there's a buzzer). I was there to help, but what do you do if you live alone and don't have help?
Trust me I tip these services well and I wouldn't want to do that job (way too high stress). Just seems like part of ordering groceries is to not go out, so how do you meet in the middle with getting them inside (obviously you put them away)?
I'm not understanding what you want them to do. Your dad lives in a facility, and you want them to not deliver to the facility's front door, but to your dad's door in the complex? There's a lot of variables, but it seems like you want them to perform a task that is outside of their delivery scope, and something the facility itself should be performing.
I don't want to get in to a 4 page thing over Instacart so let me leave it at this. My dad's place is an independent senior community. It says so on the sign. Clearly an IC shopper isn't going to notice that when pulling in. Unfortunately my dad's place is understaffed, so they can't always bring up groceries if they're left outside, in the lobby etc. I think I misunderstand the duties/options of IC and assume that the shopper can in fact deliver the items to the persons front door, even if it's inside on another floor, as long as there's a note requesting to do so. I'm fully aware they most likely have 4 other orders to deliver outside of my dad's address, and loading up the items to his floor will delay the other deliveries.
If I can't be guaranteed the shopper can drop the items off when I'm not there to get them, or I can't guarantee I won't be otherwise engaged in something during a potential 3 hour drop off window, then I have to find another option. I don't have time to shop for him, and can go a couple of weeks without a visit, but he still needs food, which is why I over pay for this service.
I do my best to time packages at a time I know my dad has help bringing them in, or know that they're relatively safe from theft and can wait to be brought up, however those don't require refrigeration.
My larger question is what do other people do if they order groceries and need help carrying them in? I guess I just have to hope those folks have help.
I'm not understanding what you want them to do. Your dad lives in a facility, and you want them to not deliver to the facility's front door, but to your dad's door in the complex? There's a lot of variables, but it seems like you want them to perform a task that is outside of their delivery scope, and something the facility itself should be performing.
I don't want to get in to a 4 page thing over Instacart so let me leave it at this. My dad's place is an independent senior community. It says so on the sign. Clearly an IC shopper isn't going to notice that when pulling in. Unfortunately my dad's place is understaffed, so they can't always bring up groceries if they're left outside, in the lobby etc. I think I misunderstand the duties/options of IC and assume that the shopper can in fact deliver the items to the persons front door, even if it's inside on another floor, as long as there's a note requesting to do so. I'm fully aware they most likely have 4 other orders to deliver outside of my dad's address, and loading up the items to his floor will delay the other deliveries.
If I can't be guaranteed the shopper can drop the items off when I'm not there to get them, or I can't guarantee I won't be otherwise engaged in something during a potential 3 hour drop off window, then I have to find another option. I don't have time to shop for him, and can go a couple of weeks without a visit, but he still needs food, which is why I over pay for this service.
I do my best to time packages at a time I know my dad has help bringing them in, or know that they're relatively safe from theft and can wait to be brought up, however those don't require refrigeration.
My larger question is what do other people do if they order groceries and need help carrying them in? I guess I just have to hope those folks have help.
Do you have any other family or siblings that could help with the grocery shopping? For the last three years of my MIL's life, I went every other week and bought her groceries and delivered them to her. During her last year, my SIL moved back into the area and we started alternating weeks. It was hard and took a lot of time, but we had no other option.
circa1978, Congratulations! And very much NTA. I vote you and your BFF go out to a nice lunch and leave your husband to look like the fool with a house full of guests and no guest of honor. You deserve to celebrate how YOU want to.