TW: sexual assault and teens

[wanderingback]

Oct 6, 2024 19:14:10 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Possibly a surprise to no one but me, she did not back off and has escalated things

It was probably stupid of me, but I let Steve talk to problem mom on the phone yesterday- he wanted her to hear from him how hurtful this situation is. Problem mom then went straight to Phoebe’s mom. Now Phoebe says she needs to end things with Steve because her parents say it’s “a bad look” for her to be with a guy with these kinds of rumors swirling.

I’ve asked Phoebe’s parents if we can have a conversation in person tomorrow and we will see where that goes.

What are you planning to say to Phoebe’s parents??

[TR]

I would just stay far away from all of these people. If Steve did do something, well, better for Phoebe. If he didn’t, teenage romance isn’t worth this kind of drama.

[mofongo]

I am very confused. Some girls sent nudes to some boys a few years ago, and that has morphed into this woman calling a teenager a rapist? Are we missing something?

[maudefindlay]

I would not meet with Phoebe's parents. I don't see that ending well and sounds like this relationship ending would be a good thing. I think you should focus on talking to your son and getting more solid on that piece of this whole thing.

[bittybomb]

I have a 16 year old son. I would definitely feel like burning it all down. And maybe I would with the gossiping mom. But I don’t think I would meet with the gf’s parents. I truly don’t think anything helpful will come of it and instead it could end up being more damaging.

[klee23]

Oct 6, 2024 19:51:23 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I am very confused. Some girls sent nudes to some boys a few years ago, and that has morphed into this woman calling a teenager a rapist? Are we missing something?

Agree.

Is Rhonda's mom friends with the younger/connected girl's family or why is she so invested?

Do the allegations against the boys start everytime one of them is in Rhonda's periphery since then don't go to the same school?

And were the police contacted in regards to these images a few years ago since your son wouls have been 14-15 and the girl was younger?

And what type of rumors was Rhonda spreading about Phoebe that your son was trying to defend?

As a non-involved person who is not into drama I don't blame Phoebe's parents for wanting her to cut ties with your son (and Rhonda!)- just isn't worth the stress as a teenager

[devonpow]

I’m also very confused. What exactly do the nude photos, and the fact that the girl who supposedly sent them is wealthy, have to do with any of this? Multiple boys on this team are being accused ot assault or just your son? Are they being accused of assaulting this particular girl or being accused of something separate?

Why do you think there are all these rumors or sexual assault that seem to be sticking with other parents/kids? Is this group of boys maybe not the best for your son to be hanging out with?

Are you friends with phoebe’s parents/know them well? If not I would stay out of that to be honest.

[mcppalmbeach]

Oh wow. So, yes, I’m going to be honest and say after you sort of had it handled, Steve should have left well enough alone.

I can just kind of compare this to my own son’s girlfriend (of only 2 months), but I do know her parents a little…enough to coordinate their schedules for rides and stuff, share photos and I can see myself sitting down with them and saying “I’m not going to try to change your mind about concerns for their relationship. But you know my son and I am deeply concerned about him and these rumors. Please help me understand where they are coming from and how we have gotten to this point. He is being connected to a heinous crime and I really like I need the air cleared, good, bad or ugly. This is his story, what have you heard?” And if they decline, you need to move on, but I assume their forbidding her from seeing him is going over like a lead balloon.

[jorja]

Oct 4, 2024 15:29:44 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Thanks for the feedback so far. The kids don’t all go to the same school - I’m pretty sure all 3 girls do, I know Phoebe and Jane do for sure. Steve’s school’s counselor would be useless in this situation (I know because we have had sticky situations before and the one time I tried to involve the school counselor it was… not great).

I’ll work my network and see if I can get in touch with the problem mom. That may be enough to get her to back off.

And yes, I’m worried there really has been a rape or sexual assault at the root of this rumor. It’s not first time it’s gone around with girls in this club sport (about my child and about other boys) but it’s the first time I know of it coming from a parent.

But also I must live in an area with some bored-ass moms because it’s not at all the first time I’ve heard of moms doing this type of thing. Just the first time my kid is the victim and the rumors are that vile.

Wait, what?

It’s not the first time for this rumor? Why does this rumor keep coming up?

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Add me on to the confused pile. I don't get the correlation between the nude photos and the sexual assault rumor. I don't understand why a group of girls keeps accusing a group of guys of this and how it seems to get squashed and then brought back up again.

[lilafowler]

This is just an icky situation all around. I’m sorry I’m not offering anything to the conversation-I just read this whole thing and…ughhh for all involved. My first thought is to disengage with all parties until you figure out what actually is happening.

[shauni27]

woah. this situation is wild. Of course you do not want to hear or believe that your child is involved in something so awful, and perhaps he is not. And I would not like having people talking about my child like this.

But it sounds like your son has involved himself with a group of boys who could be very problematic. I would start focusing my attention there, not on the girlfriend's parents.

[TR]

Not important, but I'm also confused about the whole "this club sport" thing. Is this an identifiable sport? And why are these rumors going around this particular sport?

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 6, 2024 19:51:23 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I am very confused. Some girls sent nudes to some boys a few years ago, and that has morphed into this woman calling a teenager a rapist? Are we missing something?

The girl sent nudes to Steve and several other boys 2 years ago. There was a little more to it but I left that out in trying to keep it simple. The boys who received the nudes, only the ones not part of the “in” crowd of wealth and connections here, have been accused of various things stemming from that - pressuring this girl for the pics, taking videos of her having sex and sending them around, etc. There has been no evidence of that happening.

Girl above is connected to the club sport that Phoebe, Jane and Rhonda are part of. Problem mom said to me that “concerned parents” from Steve’s school district told her he had raped someone 2 years ago. So from the timing I assumed it was connected.

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 7, 2024 8:07:48 GMT -5 TR said:

Not important, but I'm also confused about the whole "this club sport" thing. Is this an identifiable sport? And why are these rumors going around this particular sport?

Sorry, volleyball. I was just trying to keep it anonymous and make clear it’s not a school team.

[RitzyHeifer]

I did ask to meet with Phoebes parents, at the request of Steve and Phoebe, not to try to convince them that the kids should keep dating or anything. Just to clear the air of what I know of my son, ask what they have heard, and to ask them to shut down rumors that are baseless.

[devonpow]

It seems to me at a minimum that he’s hanging with people, both boys and girls, that maybe aren’t the best. That’s what I would focus on right now. As a parent of a 17 year old son I clearly realize this is an “easier said than done” idea, but there are obviously larger issues at play here.

How is your son feeling about all this?

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 6, 2024 21:11:58 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I’m also very confused. What exactly do the nude photos, and the fact that the girl who supposedly sent them is wealthy, have to do with any of this? Multiple boys on this team are being accused ot assault or just your son? Are they being accused of assaulting this particular girl or being accused of something separate?

Why do you think there are all these rumors or sexual assault that seem to be sticking with other parents/kids? Is this group of boys maybe not the best for your son to be hanging out with?

Are you friends with phoebe’s parents/know them well? If not I would stay out of that to be honest.

Multiple girls on a team have accused multiple boys of things like videoing them having (consensual) sex and sharing it, pressuring girls for nude photos or sexting, drinking, using drugs. Steve has been the target at least 2 times before.

The boys being accused are not all Steve’s friends or kids he ever hangs around with. 

ETA: every other time it’s been teens telling other teens that stuff, not parents. I know about it bc Steve talked to me about it - when he’s the target and when not. I always do my best to root out any truth behind it in case there is something that needs to go to parents or police, but it always comes out to be made up teen drama.

[abs]

Honestly?

First thing I would do is ask your son if there is anything he wants to share. Next I’d go through your son’s phone very carefully. Look at the texts, deleted texts, videos, etc. If everything backs up what’s he told you I’d encourage him to stay far away from Phoebe and the rest of that friend group. I would not get involved in any way unless you know for sure he’s 100% innocent and the slander escalates.

[Bad Dingo]

This doesn't sound like normal teen drama but a very toxic situation for everyone involved. I'd do my best to keep my son from associating with any of the people involved, girls and boys. I'd also lock my kid's phone down.

[shauni27]

Oct 7, 2024 9:02:41 GMT -5 abs said:

Honestly?

First thing I would do is ask your son if there is anything he wants to share. Next I’d go through your son’s phone very carefully. Look at the texts, deleted texts, videos, etc. If everything backs up what’s he told you I’d encourage him to stay far away from Phoebe and the rest of that friend group. I would not get involved in any way unless you know for sure he’s 100% innocent and the slander escalates.

this. start with looking through the phone and see what you can find. You absolutely need ALL the information, not just what your kid is telling you (speaking of which, I would again sit down and have a talk with him about the allegations and why they are happening and see what he says.)

From there I would determine how to proceed.

[sonrisa]

The allegations are based upon things that happened two years ago. OP brought it up here at the time.

It sounds like all involved have entrenched their views - the girls and their families continue to believe the boys acted in coercive and illegal ways. OP continues to think the problem lies with the girls and their families

[jinkies]

Oct 7, 2024 9:32:15 GMT -5 Bad Dingo said:

This doesn't sound like normal teen drama but a very toxic situation for everyone involved. I'd do my best to keep my son from associating with any of the people involved, girls and boys. I'd also lock my kid's phone down.

I have a son the same age as OP's. I agree with this. 

If the rumors have been circulating amongst this group for more than 2 years, then there may not be much you can do to address them in a group that you are not a part of. But the kids go to different schools, so it shouldn't be that hard to keep your kid out of their orbit and off their radar. My entire focus would be on removing my kid from situations and relationships with people who believe this about him, and protecting him from situations where there could be even of whiff of impropriety. We would be having a LOT of conversations about how he uses his phone and the urgency with which he needs to avoid doing anything that he wouldn't want on a billboard.

I frankly agree with Phoebe's parents here-- teen relationships should be light and easy. If it's causing this much drama I would heavily encourage her to break up (and in fact encouraged my son to break up with his gf last year because- while the details were different-- I was concerned about the level of drama for their age, and I was concerned that my kid was at risk of the parents spreading rumors about him bc they were very uncomfortable with their daughter dating). 

[waverly]

I agree that I think the two are headed for a break up, and that is OK. It is OK for Phoebe's parents to put the kabosh on it.

I would not expect Phoebe's parents to do anything about the rumors, although I might hope they would not spread them considering that they allowed their child to date Steve, so they were apparently fine with what happened 2 years ago.

I would consider a clean break from everyone involved with the volleyball club and Phoebe's school.

[mofongo]

Oct 7, 2024 10:24:43 GMT -5 waverly said:

I agree that I think the two are headed for a break up, and that is OK. It is OK for Phoebe's parents to put the kabosh on it.

I would not expect Phoebe's parents to do anything about the rumors, although I might hope they would not spread them considering that they allowed their child to date Steve, so they were apparently fine with what happened 2 years ago.

I would consider a clean break from everyone involved with the volleyball club and Phoebe's school.

All of this, especially the bold.

‘Rumors’ like this, put in quotes b/c we don’t know what really happened, can stay with a person for life. I’d continue to talk to your son, and have him cut ties with people and activities where this stems from. I feel like something more needs to be done, but not sure what. Therapy? Idk

It’s one of those things that can’t be unsaid.

[hermione]

If I was Phoebe's parents, I would also have her stop seeing Steve. And therein lies the problem. It doesn't matter if the rumors are true (I mean, it does. Of course it does). Your son is now thought of as someone who commits sexual assault. This could have negative effects outside of this circle of kids including his acceptances to college. If the mom in question is willing to say this out loud, it's not a far jump to contact a school. I would dissect his phone and social media activity going all the way back to before the pictures were sent. Based on what I found would determine how I would proceed.

[sofamonkey]

Oct 7, 2024 9:02:41 GMT -5 abs said:

Honestly?

First thing I would do is ask your son if there is anything he wants to share. Next I’d go through your son’s phone very carefully. Look at the texts, deleted texts, videos, etc. If everything backs up what’s he told you I’d encourage him to stay far away from Phoebe and the rest of that friend group. I would not get involved in any way unless you know for sure he’s 100% innocent and the slander escalates.

Yes. Trust, but verify. Something is happening here. I have no idea what; but I’d get as much clarity from your side of the issue, and distance myself as much as possible.

This is all so messy. Unless the woman is completely crazy, which is possible, there is likely some reason for this continual retelling. It may not be your son, but it may be.

I’m also on the side of the now ex girlfriend’s parents. I’d distance myself a lot and quickly.

Best of luck to you all.

[RitzyHeifer]

I’ve been through his phone, thoroughly. Since before the nudes were sent and continued after that. I found a burner phone several years ago and went thru that. I have parents I trust who have been through their kids’ phones and found nothing- some of them whose sons were also targets.

There are girls from his school on this volleyball team so I’m sure that’s part of how it keeps going.

The main difference this time is it’s elevated to a rape accusation (along with the alcohol and drugs allegations) and it’s a parent. She did not however share it with Phoebes parents until I asked her to stop spreading it.

Our school district is useless in intervening in anything. In 8th grade there were racist statements and threats of gun violence happening in the school Gmail chat and the administration literally said to a group of parents “We have no idea how to handle this”.

Again, I’m not advocating that Steve and Phoebe stay together, I feel like that is up to them. I’m just trying to figure out how to neutralize an adult bullying my child.

[somersault72]

Oct 7, 2024 11:38:48 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

I’ve been through his phone, thoroughly. Since before the nudes were sent and continued after that. I found a burner phone several years ago and went thru that. I have parents I trust who have been through their kids’ phones and found nothing- some of them whose sons were also targets.

There are girls from his school on this volleyball team so I’m sure that’s part of how it keeps going.

The main difference this time is it’s elevated to a rape accusation (along with the alcohol and drugs allegations) and it’s a parent. She did not however share it with Phoebes parents until I asked her to stop spreading it.

Our school district is useless in intervening in anything. In 8th grade there were racist statements and threats of gun violence happening in the school Gmail chat and the administration literally said to a group of parents “We have no idea how to handle this”.

Again, I’m not advocating that Steve and Phoebe stay together, I feel like that is up to them. I’m just trying to figure out how to neutralize an adult bullying my child.

Wait--more than one kid is being accused of being a rapist/cheater/doing drugs? Or more than one kid got the nude photos?

This is a mess and I'm very sorry this is happening. I have a teen and it's hard for me to fathom spreading rumors about a kid--or my own kid getting a rumor spread like this.

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 7, 2024 12:03:16 GMT -5 somersault72 said:

Oct 7, 2024 11:38:48 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

I’ve been through his phone, thoroughly. Since before the nudes were sent and continued after that. I found a burner phone several years ago and went thru that. I have parents I trust who have been through their kids’ phones and found nothing- some of them whose sons were also targets.

Wait--more than one kid is being accused of being a rapist/cheater/doing drugs? Or more than one kid got the nude photos?

This is a mess and I'm very sorry this is happening. I have a teen and it's hard for me to fathom spreading rumors about a kid--or my own kid getting a rumor spread like this.

More than one kid has been accused of coercing the girl who sent nudes into sending them, videoing sex and sharing that, taking nudes, etc. Always coming from other teens until this go-round.