TW: sexual assault and teens

[sofamonkey]

Why does/did you son have a burner phone? That’s a gigantic red flag 🚩 🚩 🚩

Ma’am. With all due respect, please take a step back and *try* to see this how outsiders are seeing this. Try having a little more perspective than “my poor precious is being attacked” because while there may be more than meets the eye, it does not appear that your son is indeed an innocent victim in all of this.

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 7, 2024 12:08:05 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Why does/did you son have a burner phone? That’s a gigantic red flag 🚩 🚩 🚩

Ma’am. With all due respect, please take a step back and *try* to see this how outsiders are seeing this. Try having a little more perspective than “my poor precious is being attacked” because while there may be more than meets the eye, it does not appear that your son is indeed an innocent victim in all of this.

He did have a burner well before the nudes incident. And probably 80% of kids in his school did or do still have them. Maybe he does still have one too and has a place to stash it besides his room, book bag, sports bag and every other place I frequently check. 

I’m not saying he’s never done wrong or that this is impossible because he’s my kid. I’m saying I’ve found no evidence of it, and we have open dialog about consent, and drug and alcohol use. And I’m saying if this parent were concerned for the safety of Phoebe, she would likely have contacted Phoebes parents first instead of putting Jane in the middle.

[litasail]

Why would 80% of kids in a high school have burner phones?? Is that a *thing* in high school?

[sofamonkey]

A burner phone just is NOT normal behavior. I’m honestly aghast. But you do what you want to do.

[mofongo]

I really think I’d try to find him a therapist that fits.

To your knowledge do any of these videos exist? Has there been drug and alcohol involvement?

[RitzyHeifer]

Oct 7, 2024 12:26:03 GMT -5 litasail said:

Why would 80% of kids in a high school have burner phones?? Is that a *thing* in high school?

It was junior high and bc their parents restricted their access to social media on their regular phones?

One enterprising kid sold his parents’ retired phones to classmates. Another bought cheap ones at CVS and resold them. I’m guessing about 80% based on who my son told me had burners, and parents who found out their kids had them.

I’m not sure now how many kids use burners now. Most parents I chat with outside my friend circle don’t have restrictions for their kids phones any more.

[devonpow]

I have a 17 year old son. Having a burner phone is NOT normal. If 80% of the kids have one, he is most definitely hanging out with the wrong kids. There are so many red flags here. I’m in no way saying your son is guilty of the accusations but he is just definitely not hanging out with kids who are a positive influence. I would be so concerned if any of this was happening to my kid.

[devonpow]

Oct 7, 2024 12:33:38 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Oct 7, 2024 12:26:03 GMT -5 litasail said:

Why would 80% of kids in a high school have burner phones?? Is that a *thing* in high school?

It was junior high and bc their parents restricted their access to social media on their regular phones?

One enterprising kid sold his parents’ retired phones to classmates. Another bought cheap ones at CVS and resold them. I’m guessing about 80% based on who my son told me had burners, and parents who found out their kids had them.

junior high?? Really really not normal.

[hermione]

80% of kids in your son's school have burner phones?? Just an FYI that this isn't normal. What are they hiding on them?

[cjcouple]

I've stayed pretty quiet because after all these follow ups, I just didnt know what to say that others hadn't already. And clearly, I missed some red flags in the OP.

I agree with mofongo that a therapy is a good idea.

It is absolutely not typical for teens to have a burner phone, let alone 80%.

[mofongo]

And they don’t have the frontal lobe development to understand that this shit can really follow you for a lifetime! The internet is forever, as they say.

[followyourarrow]

What a messy situation. I'd continue open conversations with your son, and I'd do everything I could to distance from these people. I like the idea of therapy so your son has a safe space to work through these allegations. Personally, I don't think any good can come from meeting with Phoebe's parents.

[sofamonkey]

Also, as an FYI for all parents. Just because you have an open dialogue with your kids does anOT mean they’re telling you everything. It means they’re honest about some things.

If you truly believe they’re giving you all the info, were you not ever a kid???

[expectantsteelerfan]

If the school really is useless in helping, and you really are 100% sure your son has nothing to hide, I'd say it's time to get some other sort of professional involved, whether it's the police or a lawyer to sue for libel, or something else I'm not thinking of.
I think you are being very up front about the amount you've questioned your son, and you did post about what to do about the grown women accusing your son of things, but you seem pretty calm about the fact that she seems like she's going to continue. There is SOMETHING going on here, even if it is true that your son has done nothing wrong beyond receiving unsolicited nudes, and it needs to be handled, and it's clear that simply talking to these other adults is not going to put a stop to it.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope this does not become THE defining event of your son's adolescence.

[SusanBAnthony]

Oct 7, 2024 12:26:27 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

A burner phone just is NOT normal behavior. I’m honestly aghast. But you do what you want to do.

I've heard its pretty common teen behavior these days because parents track phones. That alone wouldn't be a red flag to me with respect to the other issues.

[Patsy Baloney]

Oct 7, 2024 13:27:22 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Oct 7, 2024 12:26:27 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

A burner phone just is NOT normal behavior. I’m honestly aghast. But you do what you want to do.

I've heard its pretty common teen behavior these days because parents track phones. That alone wouldn't be a red flag to me with respect to the other issues.

I was going to say I learned about this practice on this very board in convos talking about how cell phone rules and bans don’t/can’t work. It was common enough!

[InBetweenDays]

A few things. As others have stated having burner phones is NOT the norm with any of the kids I know.

PDQ: Having open dialogue about consent is great and necessary, but the boy who assaulted my friend's daughter started a Student Organized Consent Conference at his school (after he assaulted his first girlfriend but before he assaulted my friend's daughter) so...

And please, all parents, have not only dialogue about consent but about affirmative consent.

[1confused1]

Mom of a 17 year old boy here. I’ve been trying to figure out how to respond to this because none of this is normal.

I would have a serious conversation with your son to figure out how receiving unsolicited nude pictures turned into rumors about him raping someone. One does not equal the other so that is where I’d start.

I’d also keep Phoebe’s family out of this. Let the kids break up. Like others have said, no high school relationship should be this stressful.

Best of luck to you both. This seems like a very messy situation.

[gretchenindisguise]

I'm lol'ing a bit that folks are freaking out about burner phones. Way more kids have them than apparently 80% of this board think.

[nicolewi]

This is such a huge mess. I feel like it's going to end up on the local news if it continues to escalate and/or that law enforcement is going to end up involved. It seems like some kind of outside intervention is needed here to stop this whole weird culture of sending nudes/making accusations/nobody knowing the truth. I don't know how to possibly unravel this situation.

[cville]

Oct 7, 2024 12:26:03 GMT -5 litasail said:

Why would 80% of kids in a high school have burner phones?? Is that a *thing* in high school?

Absolutely not.

[cville]

Oct 7, 2024 13:53:49 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

I'm lol'ing a bit that folks are freaking out about burner phones. Way more kids have them than apparently 80% of this board think.

I'm freaking out about the implication that it's 80% of the student population.

[abs]

Oct 7, 2024 14:08:24 GMT -5 cville said:

Oct 7, 2024 13:53:49 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

I'm lol'ing a bit that folks are freaking out about burner phones. Way more kids have them than apparently 80% of this board think.

I'm freaking out about the implication that it's 80% of the student population.

Right. I could see 80% of certain social groups I guess. 80% of the whole school? No way.

[gretchenindisguise]

Oh and so my only contribution to this thread isn't just about the prevalence of burner phones...

OP - I think you need to have a CTJ talk with your son. Either he is involved in the alleged activity or he's actively repeatedly putting himself in situations where there can be allegations that are taken seriously enough and make sense to enough folks to run the rumor mill. Neither is good and he needs to change his behavior.

[gummybear]

We have a 17-year-old and I have never heard of burner phones being used! And she’s a complete bugaboo. She’s told me that when she was younger she had managed to finagle old phones we had retired into use when we restricted her but I’ve never once heard her mention burners.

I agree you should continue the open dialogue with DS. With DD it took a ton of time - it was like peeling back the layers of the world’s stinkiest onion but her honesty REALLY helped clarify the situation. It was not fun at all but completely necessary in making things right.

Is he a Jr or a Sr? I agree with everyone else, don’t involve the parents of Phoebe or become enmeshed in the relationship or drama. I have never ever seen something positive come out of that. If he’s a senior I might be apt to grin and bear the rumors since the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. If he’s a junior, eh. A clean break from these people and hopefully it will just settle down - all this involvement and drama is probably fanning the fire.

[kadams767]

Oct 7, 2024 14:28:17 GMT -5 gummybear said:

We have a 17-year-old and I have never heard of burner phones being used! And she’s a complete bugaboo. She’s told me that when she was younger she had managed to finagle old phones we had retired into use when we restricted her but I’ve never once heard her mention burners.

I mean, this is literally what OP described as part of the burner phone definition.  

Sorry, I'm not trying to make light of the situation at hand here, but the pearl-clutching over the burner phones is cracking me up.  Of course most parents haven't heard that everyone has/had a burner...that's the whole point.  And also, apparently parents have a very strict definition of burner and it doesn't include old phones that teens have hijacked for their own use but parents don't know it.    

[gummybear]

Oct 7, 2024 14:31:20 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

Oct 7, 2024 14:28:17 GMT -5 gummybear said:

We have a 17-year-old and I have never heard of burner phones being used! And she’s a complete bugaboo. She’s told me that when she was younger she had managed to finagle old phones we had retired into use when we restricted her but I’ve never once heard her mention burners.

I mean, this is literally what OP described as part of the burner phone definition.  

Oh. Well, then yes, lol, I concur. I am much more dramatic and associate a burner with something purchased in cash at a corner store and thrown in a dumpster or out of the window of a speeding car.

[Gato]

Burner phones are not “common” where I live. My kids would be in massive trouble if I found out they were using a second phone behind my back, and I’m a fairly laid back parent.

Even if your kid is completely innocent, this sounds like a really tense and miserable situation. I would definitely look into individual and possibly family therapy.

[kadams767]

Oct 7, 2024 14:34:57 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Oct 7, 2024 14:31:20 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I mean, this is literally what OP described as part of the burner phone definition.  

Oh. Well, then yes, lol, I concur. I am much more dramatic and associate a burner with something purchased in cash at a corner store and thrown in a dumpster or out of the window of a speeding car.

  I agree with the traditional association.  But I think that just means we are both old.  

I'm pretty sure for most teens it's like OP described.  They are tech-savvy and figure out how to use an old phone, or they buy a cheapie pre-paid one to use, so their parents can't see it.  

[turkturkleton]

Oct 7, 2024 9:47:22 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

The allegations are based upon things that happened two years ago. OP brought it up here at the time.

RitzyHeifer Is the incident you keep referencing as the root of the rumours the Snapchat thing you talked about here, or did something else happen around that time as well?