Would you guys be willing to do the courthouse thing before baby and do the destination wedding after baby is born? This way, no rush but you still get to be married when you give birth.
Although my real vote is wait a year and get married wherever you want! Good luck on your decision.
I agree with this - if, for no other reason (although I don't think it'll hurt to give the relationship some more time just to be safe), to give yourself some more options for your wedding location. Rather than having to nix a place that you would ideally like because you're too pregnant to fly or whatever. And if you want your families/friends to attend a DW, it gives them more time to plan and prepare.
Your whole life screams of desperation. Are you capable of living alone? You went from one bad marriage to suddenly with another guy, pregnant, getting married again. It just so happens you lose your job and you are suddenly getting married to a guy who appears to have money? Good luck with that. You do know that the marriage failure rates for people who get married because of a baby are even higher than the already high failure rates of people who get married because they want to and not be cause the "have" to, right?
I usually ignore you, but I just want to tell you to shut up and worry about what seems to be your own (pathetic) life.
I am well aware of divorce rates and if I chose to get married it's because I want to, not because I have to. Not that it is any of your business AT ALL, but I have several hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank, so I am pretty sure I would be just fine without his money for quite some time.
I am totally self sufficient, went to great undergrad and grad schools, am perfectly capable of supporting myself, enjoy my own company, do many things alone (I just got back from an international vacation by myself, I am pretty sure a desperate person wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the country alone and pregnant), see my girlfriends for dinners and outings most nights, and actually like living by myself.
You seem to be the desperate one since you have nothing better to do than troll the internet looking for people to put down.
Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that the money you say you have is sufficient. What about your emotional capabilities? Any woman who moves from one man to the next as quickly as you are doing and doesn't want to be an unwed mother is not capable of standing on her own two feet. I don't put my life out here for people because I'm happy with it. You, on the other hand, are seeking validation for your poor choices. I feel badly for your kid. S/he didn't ask for an unstable mother. I'll back off for now. Wouldn't want you to get too upset with seeing the truth instead of having a bunch of strangers tell you how "happy" they are for you. One last thought though, I wonder what your IRL friends and family think of this whole situation. No one will say anything, but they are judging you even more harshly than I am.
I am 99.99999999% sure that he will propose soon though. He asked me last night about where I would possibly like to get married. Ideally, we've talked and we want to be married shortly before the baby is born.
You should plan close to home. You don't want to fly 6+ hours in your last trimester. I'd also google each airline's policy. Several of them won't take someone past 37 weeks or so and some require a dr. note.
NYC would be a fine option if you want to do it. City weddings can be very special. I'd consider the Queens Botanical garden which is very small and intimate if central park isn't working out. I'd also consider just doing it at a hotel. They'll set up a room for the ceremony and do a small reception for you.
When are you telling your family that you're pregnant?
I told my sister last week and asked her not to tell my mom because I am going home next week and wanted to tell my mom and dad together in person. Well, she told my mom. According to her it just slipped. I am so mad and hurt. My mom and sister have always been closer and I am not sure how something like that "just slips".
When are you telling your family that you're pregnant?
I told my sister last week and asked her not to tell my mom because I am going home next week and wanted to tell my mom and dad together in person. Well, she told my mom. According to her it just slipped. I am so mad and hurt. My mom and sister have always been closer and I am not sure how something like that "just slips".
It didn't "just slip." They are judging your poor choices together. YWIA.
I do like NY just for ease. V and others, do you know of any hotels/venues that have outdoor space? I just don't see myself getting married in a ballroom (not that I have enough guests to justify one anyway).
What about a rooftop location? There are several in the city.
I'm going to be the outlier and admit that I would rather know my parents were married before I was born, and then it didn't work out, vs. never married at all. I think some kids struggle when they know their parents were never married. And all of the people I know who got married after their child was born put it off longer than they wanted, because they seemed to feel like it should be a bigger "to do" and it was more difficult to plan after the child was in the picture.
If I were in your shoes, rikki, I would probably do a courthouse wedding, or simple church ceremony if you can do so without needing to meet class restraints as some religions require. Or book a room at a nice restaurant or hotel, have a simple ceremony there, and then a fabulous meal.
If things don't work out (which I hope they do!) I don't see divorce as any more challenging than going to court to work through a custody arrangement. It's going to be a similar emotional and paperwork-laden process either way.
I wish you the best. I hope 2013 is a wonderful year for you. We're all here to support you.
This too. I know you say that you're certain that you're with the man of your dreams, but is there a particular reason why the wedding has to be before the baby comes? Just thinking about all of the things that you've been through in considerably less than a year -- planned pregnancy with husband, miscarriage, separated, moved, divorced, new boy, unplanned pregnancy with new boy, job woes, fired -- that is a ridiculous number of major, stressful (even positive changes are stressful) life changes to go through, and I think throwing in engaged, planning wedding, married can add a ton of unnecessary stress to this roller coaster ride of a year. If you guys are meant to be, he'll still be there to marry you a year from now.
I know, you're absolutely right that it is a ton to take in one year. Sometimes I am shocked that I am still so sane. I just hate the thought of being an unwed mother. I also know that a pregnant wedding is probably even more tacky, so it's pretty unreasonable that I feel that way. He's pretty traditional (and religious) and I know he would prefer to be married before the baby is born. I also know he isn't going anywhere. I'd be fine with a longer engagement, too. I have such a Type-A personality and always want everything to fit in a box and to have control, but sometimes I think I need to work on being more patient and letting life happen.
My mom married my stepdad the first day that it was legal to after her divorce from my father and they're still (very happily) married 18 years later. She always says she knew, and at least in her case, it seems that she did.
I hope it works out! My parents got engaged after knowing each other for only 3 months and they are still happily married 34 years later, so I know it can work out. I'm just hoping you are making the right decision, getting divorced again with a small child will be a hard situation. Wishing you the best of luck, seriously. I'm glad to see you are talking with a therapist, I think you need to be 100% honest about the situation with him/her.
I do like NY just for ease. V and others, do you know of any hotels/venues that have outdoor space? I just don't see myself getting married in a ballroom (not that I have enough guests to justify one anyway).
What about a rooftop location? There are several in the city.
There are tons of rooftops and restaurants with outdoor space... but I have no idea which do private events of that size.
I told my sister last week and asked her not to tell my mom because I am going home next week and wanted to tell my mom and dad together in person. Well, she told my mom. According to her it just slipped. I am so mad and hurt. My mom and sister have always been closer and I am not sure how something like that "just slips".
It didn't "just slip." They are judging your poor choices together. YWIA.
Why are you so mean? I've seen you posting cruel comments to so many people. What is wrong with your life that you feel the need to take your anger out on random strangers on the Internet?? Seriously, do you realize how bizarre and pathetic that is?
It didn't "just slip." They are judging your poor choices together. YWIA.
Why are you so mean? I've seen you posting cruel comments to so many people. What is wrong with your life that you feel the need to take your anger out on random strangers on the Internet?? Seriously, do you realize how bizarre and pathetic that is?
What you call mean, I call realistic. There is no way that she isn't being judged by anyone that knows her. And I type what comes to mind. I don't filter it. Call it mean or bizarre, but I choose to not filter it. It does no one any good for things to be sugar-coated when their decisions are questionable at best.
Lots of rooftop space in NYC that can definitely fit your criteria Rikki.
As a child of parents who were actually forced to get married b/c my mom get pregnant and my grandmother insisted on it, I have a different view than CloudBee. I find that it was so pointless for my parents to get married before I was born. My grandmother is super religious and that is why my parents were "forced" to get married. It just made my parents' situation uglier than necessary since they really shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. But, I know I am not the norm and a lot of kids probably do feel bad that their parents were never married. Among my friends who come from this situation, most did not care.
You don't need to explain how happy you are, as most of us remember pretty clearly the feelings of new love. I think a lot of us are nervous for you, cause going through all those feelings, and what a perfect fix they are for the insane year you've had, and knowing that they don't in fact last past 2-3 years (at least that's the number I remember all the studies saying) all together makes for a less than perfect situation to jump to marriage. And the 'hate the idea of being an unwed mother' reason you're giving now really doesn't sit well for a lot either. I feel like it was just yesterday you were posting about how you weren't going to rush into living together/marriage and wanted to experience independence (or something like that). Heck, I think it feels like it was yesteday you posted about how utterly stunned you were by your EX asking for a divorce, and how you couldn't believe it was happening cause he was so quiet, and dorky and yours. It just seems really convenient how looking back, now that you're in this relationship, to say you had all these misgivings about the EX the whole time, but NOW it's so different.
All this being said, I'm still betting on all this working out for you, and wish you the best.
Why are you so mean? I've seen you posting cruel comments to so many people. What is wrong with your life that you feel the need to take your anger out on random strangers on the Internet?? Seriously, do you realize how bizarre and pathetic that is?
What you call mean, I call realistic. There is no way that she isn't being judged by anyone that knows her. And I type what comes to mind. I don't filter it. Call it mean or bizarre, but I choose to not filter it. It does no one any good for things to be sugar-coated when their decisions are questionable at best.
Keeping your trap shut is NOT the opposite of "sugar coating". It sounds like you WANT to appear as bizarre. Telling rikki that everyone is judging her is mean no matter how you slice it. You should learn to filter, because a mouth like that adds nothing constructive.
Just coming in to say YAY and premature congrats! I also vote for no long flights (or road trips) after about 27ish weeks. I was uncomfortable making the 1.5 hour drive to my parents' house in my 3rd trimester last time. A plane ride to Hawaii would have nearly killed me.
Post by liveintheville on Jan 30, 2013 10:08:45 GMT -5
Hmm. I think I'd opt for wedding before baby. I wouldn't have been able to plan anything with an infant. My kids have always travelled poorly but I do know people who think newborns are the easiest to travel with.
Are you think you'll be in Chicago or Boston in June? I think a winery with great spa services sounds good. Gorgeous views, alcohol for guests, laid back pampering for you
Or what about AZ? Didn't you say you liked vacationing there?
Oh and another option is Mystic, CT. But I am biased ;-)
This is actually a great suggestion because it's far enough in advance that she could lock in a block of hotel rooms. There are SO many hotels up there, and a lot for guests to do during their down time. And it's off of 95 to boot!
Would you guys be willing to do the courthouse thing before baby and do the destination wedding after baby is born? This way, no rush but you still get to be married when you give birth.
I was going to say this, if you're set on getting married before the baby comes. Echoing the many others who have said that you've got enough on your plate without planning a wedding in 6 months.
I like choco's suggestion of the courthouse wedding now and then the DW (or at least reception) later. That way you can be married before the baby is born if that is important to you both, and then you can have the wedding you two want down the road.
Honestly, I'd judge a do-over wedding way more than I'd judge a pregnant bride or an unwed mother. It's fine if you want to be married before the baby comes, and fine if you'd rather wait a while to have your ideal wedding (and, again, I don't think waiting a while would hurt since this is a fairly new relationship), but I think it's tacky to have both. Make a decision and stand behind it.
You don't need to explain how happy you are, as most of us remember pretty clearly the feelings of new love. I think a lot of us are nervous for you, cause going through all those feelings, and what a perfect fix they are for the insane year you've had, and knowing that they don't in fact last past 2-3 years (at least that's the number I remember all the studies saying) all together makes for a less than perfect situation to jump to marriage. And the 'hate the idea of being an unwed mother' reason you're giving now really doesn't sit well for a lot either. I feel like it was just yesterday you were posting about how you weren't going to rush into living together/marriage and wanted to experience independence (or something like that). Heck, I think it feels like it was yesterday you posted about how utterly stunned you were by your EX asking for a divorce, and how you couldn't believe it was happening cause he was so quiet, and dorky and yours. It just seems really convenient how looking back, now that you're in this relationship, to say you had all these misgivings about the EX the whole time, but NOW it's so different.
All this being said, I'm still betting on all this working out for you, and wish you the best.
I have to say while I'm happy for you on some levels, I too feel concerned about the rushed quality of all this. While I understand that there is a stigma about being an unwed mother I don't think being pregnant is reason alone to marry someone. I thought for some reason you'd already been down this road and done adoption (or am I confusing you with someone else?)
I know you say you "feel" sane but honestly a sane person would not be considering a DW to Hawaii in their third trimester and certainly wouldn't want their family to take a whole lot of vacation time right before a baby. I assume that you'll really want them to come to you after you give birth, help with with the postpartum time and see the baby. I had to choose between seeing my family at a wedding vs. help with the baby I'd do help with the baby in a heartbeat. I have 2 kids FWIW and my mom was there a lot after each kid and it was pretty helpful. My sister was at my first birth and honestly it was amazing that she was there. I'm not sure that would have happened had she just taken 4+ days off for my wedding.
Have you posted on starting over? I think they might give you some prospective that we generally can't provide.
Congrats in advance. How far along will you be then? If I were you I would stick to local. NYC would be the farthest I would want to go in my third tri. Have you thought about the Cape or Maine? There are so many awesome spots in MA for a small wedding.
If you do get married before the baby, I think a local wedding would work much better than a destination wedding. Usually destination weddings are planned like a year ahead so that people have time to make travel arrangements. Personally, I would wait until after the baby comes. Mainly because I'm pretty vain and I would want to look awesome and not all bloated in my wedding pictures. I also think that the idea that you should be married before having children is so antiquated.