I guess the only thing I have to add is that if my sister/cousin/friend/whoever asked me to go to a DW in June right now, I'd be really upset. That's very little time to plan a trip, especially to a distant and expensive place like Hawaii. Lots of people have jobs where you can't just plan a vacation 4 months in advance, and need time to save up. I get the impression you come from money and perhaps your SO does too, so maybe that won't be an issue in your plans. But make sure you consider the timing/expense for your guests.
I also think waiting makes sense for many reasons already posted here. I am a worrier and I've had a few people in my life rush forward after major events and I've had many sleepless nights over that. I am a big believer in taking time after a major life change before jumping into a new situation, particularly in relationships but really the concept applies to most things. Since you are already full steam ahead with the relationship/baby, I think it is wise to slow down the marriage piece until you've had time to adjust to all the changes in your life. As others have said, if he's the right guy he'll still be the right guy in a year. There is no rush.
And I hate to put it bluntly but I think there is probably more stigma about getting divorced and remarried (with a baby) within a year than there is about having a baby before marriage these days. If you rush into marriage, people aren't going to think "well at least she's not unwed!" They are going to think "these two are getting married only because she got KU". I think in a year no one will bat an eye that you're getting married.
I think you're going to get a lot more judgment if you rush into marriage and end up divorced than if you are an unwed mother. Do you want to get married just because of that or do you want to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend?
I think you are very nice and a lot of people here are in your corner. You have been through soooo many changes. I cannot even imagine being able to make this kind of decision right now. I think you should enjoy your relationship, have the baby and allow yourself to adjust to motherhood first ad then worry about getting married later.
It's not like she doesn't know what divorce is like.
Rikki, I say do what's right for you guys. I am an outlier like CloudBee. You've made tough decisions before, I know you'll put your child first no matter what. Good luck!
Oh, and I vote CT or Napa.
Are you being serious right now? Like divorce gets easy a 2nd time because you've been through it once? I imagine it would be worse with a kid versus divorce without kids.
It is the mosy heartbreaking thing to have tp explain to your kids.
I've already talked to my mom and she had no awful things to say. My family is sane, supportive, and normal. People don't yell at each other or say nasty, hurtful things in my family. Of course she was surprised, but her overall sentiment was she loves the baby, loves and trusts me, and will do whatever she can to be supportive.
My family was a result of a premarital pregnancy and my parents are still married, mostly for the sake of image. They had to really work hard to make it work and often it was on the shoulders of me and my siblings. It wasn't easy growing up. They were young parents and weren't ready (financially, emotionally, and mentally) for all that came with marriage and parenthood. If I could have given advice to my parents' younger selves, I would have told them not to get married. My advice is not because they rushed into marriage because of my older sibling's birth it's because they just weren't compatible and weren't honest with themselves. Would it have helped if they had more time to really look at and be a part of their relationship before getting married? Possibly. That being said, I know plenty of people who got married in the socially "correct" order and their marriages did not last for the same reason. A friend of mine was with her husband for nine years before they got married and eleven years before their first child. They are now discovering that they weren't right for each other and are on the brink of divorce. The timing of a wedding is not the defining factor for marriage success and family happiness. It's really the honesty and openness you have with yourself and your SO and what each of you bring to the relationship.
To answer your question, I agree with the pps. If you decide on a DW now, pick a place close by. It will be easier with the pregnancy and any visits you might need to make for planning purposes. I go for less stress.
lurker chiming in from SO... I also got divorced and had a miscarriage within a short time frame like you did (everything happened in about 2 weeks) so I have been following what has been going on with you. For me it was awful and took me much longer to recover. It's been almost three years and I just felt ready to date again last summer. Obviously people heal at different speeds but I can't believe a therapist hasn't told you to take things a bit slower... Mine advised me to deal with the losses - of the baby, my marriage, my husband, my home, etc individually and not to make any other major life decisions - like getting married/moving in with someone until I was really healed and ready.
Divorce is incredibly painful and perhaps you have just rushed into a new relationship to avoid the pain. There is no reason to continue this behavior and rush and get married...It's also really odd/worrisome that you haven't been open and honest with your family about being pregnant. Also it's such short notice for a June wedding in any of these locations. Plus the job loss... it's all so much so quick. I also have lots of savings to live off and would have been fine financially if I had lost my job but emotionally I would have really suffered... my job allowed me to focus on something else, allowed me to be successful on my own, allowed me to use my intelligence to build a new life on my own, gave me confidence that I had lost, etc. If I were you I would focus on getting a job and then worry about getting married once that is all settled.
I didn't tell my family about either pregnancy until way late. I told the father to be. And don't think the pregnant woman has to be "open and honest" with anyone else.
Everyone has a different relationship with their parents. I don't see this as odd or concerning at all.
And I agree with the pp that she's indelibly linked to her BF already. He's the father of her child. They will be maintaining some sort of relationship from here on out no matter what.
lurker chiming in from SO... I also got divorced and had a miscarriage within a short time frame like you did (everything happened in about 2 weeks) so I have been following what has been going on with you. For me it was awful and took me much longer to recover. It's been almost three years and I just felt ready to date again last summer. Obviously people heal at different speeds but I can't believe a therapist hasn't told you to take things a bit slower... Mine advised me to deal with the losses - of the baby, my marriage, my husband, my home, etc individually and not to make any other major life decisions - like getting married/moving in with someone until I was really healed and ready.
Divorce is incredibly painful and perhaps you have just rushed into a new relationship to avoid the pain. There is no reason to continue this behavior and rush and get married...It's also really odd/worrisome that you haven't been open and honest with your family about being pregnant. Also it's such short notice for a June wedding in any of these locations. Plus the job loss... it's all so much so quick. I also have lots of savings to live off and would have been fine financially if I had lost my job but emotionally I would have really suffered... my job allowed me to focus on something else, allowed me to be successful on my own, allowed me to use my intelligence to build a new life on my own, gave me confidence that I had lost, etc. If I were you I would focus on getting a job and then worry about getting married once that is all settled.
This is interesting perspective re: loss and it makes me wonder Rikki - do you think you've already processed all these losses? Or is it possible you are using the thought of a wedding (and the planning it entails) to distract yourself from dealing with them?
I didn't tell my family about either pregnancy until way late. I told the father to be. And don't think the pregnant woman has to be "open and honest" with anyone else.
Everyone has a different relationship with their parents. I don't see this as odd or concerning at all.
And I agree with the pp that she's indelibly linked to her BF already. He's the father of her child. They will be maintaining some sort of relationship from here on out no matter what.
For me this whole experience brought me closer to my parents, siblings, and other family members and I really leaned on them for support instead of turning to a new relationship.. of course everyone's family is different but being as excited/happy the OP is about being pregnant it seems odd that she hasn't shared this with her family. Perhaps because she is scared of their reaction - I know I would be. My parents would be worried that I am rushing into marriage because of being pregnant - which generally isn't a good plan and would be uncharacteristic of my past behavior. They would also be worried that I didn't have a job - this whole situation is pretty much the opposite of what therapists recommend after divorce. Sorry if that's harsh but it's the truth... sure there are some great stories of "I met my husband right after my divorce and we are together for 20 years" but in reality that doesn't happen that often.
But that's the thing. Just because she isn't reacting the way you did doesn't make it "odd". I was perfectly happy to be pregnant etc. And some people I told sooner than other people. I'm just not someone who tells my parents first. Not everyone uses their family as their primary support system. My friends know about my shit way before my parents do.
And I don't think she "turned to a new relationship" instead leaning on her parents for support. It's not one or the other. Rikki seems to be handling things just fine on her own. I don't understand how NOT needing family support means she's scared of their reaction.
At Rikki's age I didn't really care what people thought of my life choices. I wasn't dependent on them financially and definitely didn't feel the need to run everything by them. I guess I just see this as normal and think it'd be odder if she were scared of their reaction considering the confidence she has in herself.
rikki, you've been really nice to me here, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. If you were my daughter, and were just in a new relationship and then pregnant, I'd ask you to think about waiting a year to get married. Given all the other changes in your life this year, I would strongly advise pre-wedding counseling, (you said you are going to) but without planning a wedding while going. People get caught up in changes, adrenalin kicks in, and decisions aren't as clear as they believe them to be. People say they know because they believe at the time that it is right, but caution is important. You are not kids; there is no harm in waiting, living as a family, and being sure. That said, if you decide to marry before your baby's arrival, have both your finances protected just in case. Work on being partners, and parents; make life plans, not wedding plans. Have a small ceremony and dinner or brunch closer to home. New England is charming. Don't add planning a DW to the mix. Just my 2cents - said with the hope it is all you believe and wishing you only the best.
I really like this advice.
I agree with operagirl... coming from a similiar situation that you're in now. When I got pregnant with DD, (now) DH & I were both very fresh out of divorces (that were a long time coming) and while we had been very good friends for five years, it was an adjustment. We saw a marriage counselor immediately and through out my pregnancy because we both were incredibly uneasy about the marriage concept again but with a baby on the way, we needed to get our foundation together (and quickly). It wasn't easy, people judged but those close to us did understand completely and were very supportive. We did have to address reservations from a few family members but it was done out of love and concern, not because someone wanted to rain on our parade.
As for being unwed when the baby is born, it's so much more common now and I never received any flack about it from anyone about being unwed except for DH's grandmother. We did end up getting engaged when DD was 5 months old while we were in the process of buying a house together. We got married a month after her 1st birthday in a low key, surprise ceremony at home (since we were tugged in every direction for a DW). I don't regret ANY of our decisions four+ years later but I'm very glad we didn't rush into getting married just because there was a baby on the way.
I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to say good luck! I really wish you all the best.
ETA- and to answer your question, I agree with everyone that said if you do decide to get married before the baaby comes, do it somewhere close, preferable somewhere you would not have to fly to. I dont know New England well, but I'm sure there are tons of nice places that you could find. What about NYC? That would be fun.
For me this whole experience brought me closer to my parents, siblings, and other family members and I really leaned on them for support instead of turning to a new relationship.. of course everyone's family is different but being as excited/happy the OP is about being pregnant it seems odd that she hasn't shared this with her family. Perhaps because she is scared of their reaction - I know I would be. My parents would be worried that I am rushing into marriage because of being pregnant - which generally isn't a good plan and would be uncharacteristic of my past behavior. They would also be worried that I didn't have a job - this whole situation is pretty much the opposite of what therapists recommend after divorce. Sorry if that's harsh but it's the truth... sure there are some great stories of "I met my husband right after my divorce and we are together for 20 years" but in reality that doesn't happen that often.
But that's the thing. Just because she isn't reacting the way you did doesn't make it "odd". I was perfectly happy to be pregnant etc. And some people I told sooner than other people. I'm just not someone who tells my parents first. Not everyone uses their family as their primary support system. My friends know about my shit way before my parents do.
And I don't think she "turned to a new relationship" instead leaning on her parents for support. It's not one or the other. Rikki seems to be handling things just fine on her own. I don't understand how NOT needing family support means she's scared of their reaction.
At Rikki's age I didn't really care what people thought of my life choices. I wasn't dependent on them financially and definitely didn't feel the need to run everything by them. I guess I just see this as normal and think it'd be odder if she were scared of their reaction considering the confidence she has in herself.
I care what people think of my life choices. I don't get the impression Rikki is so free and clear from her family that she doesn't care what they think. If that was the case there really wouldn't be much point in a wedding where family would be the primary invitees. If they aren't important to her a trip to the court house seems like a fine option.
I see nothing shocking in getting pregnant prior to marriage. I see nothing scandalous in being divorced. I know people get fired all the time. I don't judge Rikki so much that I worry that she isn't fully healed from the battering she's taken. I want it all to work out. I do. That would be best for the baby, as well as Rikki, her partner and their extended families. I'm just not sure it will. It all seems very rushed and it would be better to wait until she's sure that she want to marry this person for life.
But that's the thing. Just because she isn't reacting the way you did doesn't make it "odd". I was perfectly happy to be pregnant etc. And some people I told sooner than other people. I'm just not someone who tells my parents first. Not everyone uses their family as their primary support system. My friends know about my shit way before my parents do.
And I don't think she "turned to a new relationship" instead leaning on her parents for support. It's not one or the other. Rikki seems to be handling things just fine on her own. I don't understand how NOT needing family support means she's scared of their reaction.
At Rikki's age I didn't really care what people thought of my life choices. I wasn't dependent on them financially and definitely didn't feel the need to run everything by them. I guess I just see this as normal and think it'd be odder if she were scared of their reaction considering the confidence she has in herself.
I care what people think of my life choices. I don't get the impression Rikki is so free and clear from her family that she doesn't care what they think. If that was the case there really wouldn't be much point in a wedding where family would be the primary invitees. If they aren't important to her a trip to the court house seems like a fine option.
I see nothing shocking in getting pregnant prior to marriage. I see nothing scandalous in being divorced. I know people get fired all the time. I don't judge Rikki so much that I worry that she isn't fully healed from the battering she's taken. I want it all to work out. I do. That would be best for the baby, as well as Rikki, her partner and their extended families. I'm just not sure it will. It all seems very rushed and it would be better to wait until she's sure that she want to marry this person for life.
I love my family and definitely want them there to celebrate things like my marriage or kids. But yeah. I didn't discuss having kids with them and told them when I felt like it, which was later on. It's not that I'm free and clear of my family. I feel like I have a good relationship with my family. But yeah, regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy, and my first kid was not planned, I didn't give a damn what people thought about my pregnancies.
I don't mean to be a debbie downer but are you guys rushing into this because of the baby? I would love for things to work out for you but the worrywart in me says proceed with caution.
With that aside, I would choose Hawaii if you weren't pregnant. We got married in Maui and loved it. But, considering the pregnancy, I would go with a shorter, more accessible flight. I would also consider who else you want to be there and if they have any limitations. Good luck!
I know this sounds cliche, but I have never been more certain about anything in my life. I truly feel like I have met the person that I was always supposed to be with. For the first time in my life, I am ok with just being me. I can't explain how happy I am and how lucky I feel. I know it sounds crazy, but I just know.....probably the same way that deep down I knew (when I was walking down the aisle, although I tried to stuff it down and pretend that I didn't know) that my first marriage wasn't going to last. That said, I'm continuing to see my therapist and we are actually going to start seeing someone together, not for any problems, but just to help us discuss any things that we might not have thought of.
Second - I've been in your shoes. My XH asked for a divorce out of the blue. Our situation was nearly identical, right down to the fact that XH and I were trying to get pregnant. I met my now-H about a month after XH moved out. We moved in together after about 2 months, and were engaged after knowing each other only 4.5 months. We've been together for almost 7 years now. We hardly ever fight, we are still very much in love, and I feel (still) very safe being myself around him. It's very natural. We are best friends. I can say with certainty that I knew he was "the one" within a few days of meeting him.
The only difference between us and you guys is that I was not pregnant. I say, if you're happy, enjoy the happiness and wherever it leads you.
I love my family and definitely want them there to celebrate things like my marriage or kids. But yeah. I didn't discuss having kids with them and told them when I felt like it, which was later on. It's not that I'm free and clear of my family. I feel like I have a good relationship with my family. But yeah, regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy, and my first kid was not planned, I didn't give a damn what people thought about my pregnancies.
Perhaps I am indeed odd in being like this.
I am so in your camp liveintheville and don't think you are odd. I love my family and so does DH but we did not discuss kids with them. It's none of their business, at least in our minds. I'm the only child and DH is only one of 2, so it's not like we have a huge family either. With that said, we also waited until 8 or 9 wks before we told them we were expecting. We would have waited longer but it was Thanksgiving and we were seeing everyone at the same time, so it was just easier to do it then.
I love my family and definitely want them there to celebrate things like my marriage or kids. But yeah. I didn't discuss having kids with them and told them when I felt like it, which was later on. It's not that I'm free and clear of my family. I feel like I have a good relationship with my family. But yeah, regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy, and my first kid was not planned, I didn't give a damn what people thought about my pregnancies.
Perhaps I am indeed odd in being like this.
I am so in your camp liveintheville and don't think you are odd. I love my family and so does DH but we did not discuss kids with them. It's none of their business, at least in our minds. I'm the only child and DH is only one of 2, so it's not like we have a huge family either. With that said, we also waited until 8 or 9 wks before we told them we were expecting. We would have waited longer but it was Thanksgiving and we were seeing everyone at the same time, so it was just easier to do it then.
It's not like she doesn't know what divorce is like.
Rikki, I say do what's right for you guys. I am an outlier like CloudBee. You've made tough decisions before, I know you'll put your child first no matter what. Good luck!
Oh, and I vote CT or Napa.
Are you being serious right now? Like divorce gets easy a 2nd time because you've been through it once? I imagine it would be worse with a kid versus divorce without kids.
Yes I am being serious right now. I didn't say it was easy, I was just pointing out that she knows what it entails. They would have to deal with child custody issues regardless, so if she's willing to take the risk of divorce, that's her decision and she's well informed to make it.
And again, she's displayed selflessness and resiliency in her previous actions so I think she needs to do what she thinks will make her happy.
Are you being serious right now? Like divorce gets easy a 2nd time because you've been through it once? I imagine it would be worse with a kid versus divorce without kids.
It is the mosy heartbreaking thing to have tp explain to your kids.
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I'm sure it is. My family went through some nasty stuff including my parent's divorce (although my sister and I were not small children at the time).
But if they were to split, they'd still have to explain that to their kids. The bun is in the oven, so to speak. All that I'm saying is that if they feel compelled to get married in order to cement their family structure, I say good luck and best wishes.
I just came back from Sonoma (near Napa) and this place is BEAUTIFUL for wedding, hypothetically of course. Can I offer a hypothetical congrats too!??!
I've never felt like my life has been under such a microscope. I know that I brought it upon myself, but wow. With a few exceptions, I also know that everything was said with care and concern and I appreciate it very much. That said, I am going to try to answer some of the questions and then I don't think I'll post anymore. I am more than happy to give support, advice, encouragement, and so forth, or ask a question about which brand of bleach is the best. I feel like every time I post though it turns in to a spectacle and I am honestly not that comfortable being a circus clown.
Of course I miss my ex husband and mourn the loss of my marriage. I guess what I really miss is that he knew everything about me and that level of comfort. I do not miss the fact that I was treated as a second class citizen though. I don't miss that he followed me around with a bottle of Windex or that I had to wash my feet with soap the minute I came in the house from wearing flip flops. I don't miss that I couldn't eat on or put my feet up on the couch. I don't miss that I didn't have a say in any decorating or household items. I don't miss that when he was traveling for work I could finally breathe and felt ok, or the dread I got in my stomach when I knew he was driving home from work and he would be there soon. I don't miss that once I had another MM girl over and when he found out he flipped out that I brought someone in HIS home. I don't miss being put down or being told what to wear. I don't miss the fact that every few weeks he would take all of the items out of my closet and throw them on the floor and make me reorganize them because they weren't tidy enough. I don't miss being late for parties because we couldn't leave until the house was spotless or not going to parties at all because my friends were too dumb for him. I don't miss that we never cuddled or just relaxed and hung out. I don't miss that we spent every single weekend shopping for useless junk because we had nothing in common other than we both liked to waste money. I don't miss that our fights would turn violent. I don't miss that in over 6 years being together I dropped everything more times than I can count to fly to Venezuela to help his parents with this or that and during that same time he visited my parent's house ONCE. I went there so many times alone because he thought that it was boring. This really hurt my mom.
I certainly don't miss that we didn't have sex for 9 months before HE decided that we should have a baby. I don't miss that he was cheating on me while I was pregnant. He put my life (and the baby's life) at risk. If a woman is willing to sleep with a man that she knows has a wife, G-d only knows what types of diseases she has that he very well could have passed along to me.
I spent so much time leading up to my first wedding worrying about the dress, my hair, the food, the guest list, etc. that I never actually focused on the groom. When/if I get married again the groom is the only thing I care about. A destination wedding just seemed easiest because I felt like all I would have to do is show up and focus on my husband.
Maybe I have simplistic views, but I don't have the time nor energy to focus on what my XH did to me. He was awful. The more I think about it, the more in shock I am that I lived with it so long. I think I was just too embarrassed to admit how bad it was. Also, it was comfortable in a lot of ways because I never had to worry about money or anything really. I never had dreams of our future or growing old together. I think I always knew that it would end but I just didn't have the strength to pull the cord and I was shocked that he did. It sucks, but it brought me to where I am today, and I am who I am because of it.
Even if I were to get married in June, I wouldn't move in with BF until that point. Regardless, we will move in together in August since I will want/need his help with the baby. I have no plans (even if engaged) to move now though. Just as I said a few weeks ago, I do like living alone but spending some nights each week together.
My family is of course important to me. I told my mom I was pregnant the day I found out last time. Had I lost another baby what good would have it done to stress her out with the news and break her heart again? I love her dearly and didn't want her to suffer.
I think it is ridiculous that anyone would say I wanted to get married just to play house. When I was 18 many people in my extended family (never my parents) thought that I should marry my high school boyfriend when I was pregnant. I had the foresight as barely an adult to know that was a terrible and ridiculous idea. I wanted more for my daughter and I made an adoption plan for her because I knew I wasn't ready to offer her everything she deserved and needed. It broke my heart but it is hands down the best thing I have ever done and my proudest moment. If I was wise enough to figure that out then, do you really think 12 years later I would go backwards in my thinking?
Should I have a DW (which I no longer think I will) my parents and family would gladly come with little to no notice. That's how my family operates. However, I am totally open to the idea of not getting married now and waiting. It's something to think about and consider.
I am not sure that a divorce is any worse than a breakup. I remember when my parents divorced when I was 7. I didn't know what it meant. All I knew was the dad who tucked me in, gave me airplane rides, and kissed my booboos no longer lived with me. I don't think it would have made an ounce of difference to me had my parents been married or not.
I am so sorry that you feel under a microscope. We really do care and have your best interest at heart. A lot of life changes and the stress that comes with them didn't catch up to me until I had almost destroyed my marriage. Not that I assume that will happen to you and getting married soon could end up being the best decision you ever made. Just tread carefully.
Rikki, I am not a reg on this board, but I lurk occasionally, and I think that you are such a sweet, loving woman who had a hell of a year thrown at her. And I am very happy that you seem happy. You certainly deserve it.
I just want to say this - maybe ask yourself: if GOD FORBID something happened to this pregnancy and you were no longer expecting a baby together, would you still be talking marriage? Would you still want him to be your husband? It worries me that you said, "I just don't want to be an unwed mother." Marriage is not about a baby; that's co-parenting. Marriage is about a foundation of friendship, respect, and love completely separate from children.
I can't speak for anyone else, but my babies rocked my marriage's world. Thank God we had such a strong foundation that was built purely on our love and affection for each other, or I don't know if we would have made it.