You hadn't even planned to tell your mom you were pregnant until a later date? Were you also planning to drop the wedding bomb on her then, too?
Honestly rikki, I'm rooting for you. But....."Hey mom! I'm pregnant and we're getting married, pack your bags!"
I think your sister probably told your mom because she's worried about you. If my sister had been through everything you have been through in the last year, and then was hiding her pregnancy from our mom, I'd be very upset.
ok, so tots isn't exactly known for the gentle delivery. but with respect to the tidbit in here about your sister telling your mom even though you asked her not to....yeah, i have to agree that it was done out of 'omg' and complete judgment. of course people are going to side eye you and all of the choices you have made in the last while. doesn't mean that you are going to fail -- but you have to at least acknowledge that your friends and family are going to worry about you and question your thought process and choices.
despite this, i wish you the best rikki. but i just couldn't stay silent on that one point. everyone here is coddling you and it's fucking weird.
Tritto. I'm surprised people are being so gentle. You have to know that people IRL are totally judging the shit out of you.
That said, it definitely could work out, but I don't see what the harm would be in waiting another year or so to get married just to make sure you are certain and this is right for you.
BTW-- been to Casa Marina and it is nothing special. I would definitely nix that one. Good luck to you in whatever you choose!
You hadn't even planned to tell your mom you were pregnant until a later date? Were you also planning to drop the wedding bomb on her then, too?
Honestly rikki, I'm rooting for you. But....."Hey mom! I'm pregnant and we're getting married, pack your bags!"
I think your sister probably told your mom because she's worried about you. If my sister had been through everything you have been through in the last year, and then was hiding her pregnancy from our mom, I'd be very upset.
I planned to tell her when I go home NEXT week, not in the distant future. Wouldn't you rather hear it in person?
People are being gentle because Rikki isn't an ass to other posters and is well liked, she's educated, not a beebee, and kicking a pregnant woman is pretty nasty.
I think many of us are being clear that we don't think getting married now is the best idea, without making her feel like an ass.
Just because you will be 30 weeks, I vote NYC or Newport
Then I vote for a fabulous anniversary trip to Kauai. LOVE it there! BUT my best friend was married at the St.Regis Princeville. It was just eh. I dont think the wedding planner person was very good at all.
I got out of a 3 year relationship, met my H a month later, engaged 5 months later, married 14 months after our first date. I never believed in the "when you know, you know" mindset until I met H. I wish you the best.
I'll be on the look out for a fellow Orbit pushing mom this Spring
You hadn't even planned to tell your mom you were pregnant until a later date? Were you also planning to drop the wedding bomb on her then, too?
Honestly rikki, I'm rooting for you. But....."Hey mom! I'm pregnant and we're getting married, pack your bags!"
I think your sister probably told your mom because she's worried about you. If my sister had been through everything you have been through in the last year, and then was hiding her pregnancy from our mom, I'd be very upset.
I planned to tell her when I go home NEXT week, not in the distant future. Wouldn't you rather hear it in person?
I don't know about that to be honest. People share at different times and in different ways. We told our parents early, even though I had a miscarriage because they wanted to know early AND because I could trust them not to tell other people. I think a calling around 8 or 9 weeks might have made more sense than waiting until week 14/15 and doing it face to face. It think it is particularly bad that she heard it from your sister first but in general I think all things considered you've probably waited a bit too long. It doesn't matter now, but I think your mom might be angry about it all for a long time. Please prepare yourself for her to mad. To say really awful things and not be supportive at first. As other posters have said -- she is going to be really worried about you. We all hope this turns beautifully, but I can't judge her for being worried.
I'm going to be the outlier and admit that I would rather know my parents were married before I was born, and then it didn't work out, vs. never married at all. I think some kids struggle when they know their parents were never married.
This pisses me off. Like I am shaking mad. Pretty sure the only stuggle DS will ever have is wondering why I had anything to do with his dad at all. I think marrying him would have set a bad example.
I also married H while pg (everything was planned before I found out so it would have been expensive to move). I hated it. It is very hard to enjoy your wedding and honeymoon while pregnant. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
People are being gentle because Rikki isn't an ass to other posters and is well liked, she's educated, not a beebee, and kicking a pregnant woman is pretty nasty.
I think many of us are being clear that we don't think getting married now is the best idea, without making her feel like an ass.
This. She has a good head on her shoulders and there is no reason to be harsh. I think opinions are valued more when you give them with concern and not with the need to snark.
I've already talked to my mom and she had no awful things to say. My family is sane, supportive, and normal. People don't yell at each other or say nasty, hurtful things in my family. Of course she was surprised, but her overall sentiment was she loves the baby, loves and trusts me, and will do whatever she can to be supportive.
You hadn't even planned to tell your mom you were pregnant until a later date? Were you also planning to drop the wedding bomb on her then, too?
Honestly rikki, I'm rooting for you. But....."Hey mom! I'm pregnant and we're getting married, pack your bags!"
I think your sister probably told your mom because she's worried about you. If my sister had been through everything you have been through in the last year, and then was hiding her pregnancy from our mom, I'd be very upset.
I planned to tell her when I go home NEXT week, not in the distant future. Wouldn't you rather hear it in person?
Me personally? No. I wouldn't want a close family member to hide their pregnancy until the second trimester, and then simultaneously tell me I need to prepare for a wedding in a few months to the baby daddy they just started dating some months ago, while in the process of divorcing their first husband and losing their job.
I would be reeling and worried out of my mind. I obviously don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your mom and sister, but that's really a lot to put on a person all at once.
I planned to tell her when I go home NEXT week, not in the distant future. Wouldn't you rather hear it in person?
I don't know about that to be honest. People share at different times and in different ways. We told our parents early, even though I had a miscarriage because they wanted to know early AND because I could trust them not to tell other people. I think a calling around 8 or 9 weeks might have made more sense than waiting until week 14/15 and doing it face to face. It think it is particularly bad that she heard it from your sister first but in general I think all things considered you've probably waited a bit too long. It doesn't matter now, but I think your mom might be angry about it all for a long time. Please prepare yourself for her to mad. To say really awful things and not be supportive at first. As other posters have said -- she is going to be really worried about you. We all hope this turns beautifully, but I can't judge her for being worried.
Do you know rikki's mom? This all seems rather presumptuous.
You hadn't even planned to tell your mom you were pregnant until a later date? Were you also planning to drop the wedding bomb on her then, too?
Honestly rikki, I'm rooting for you. But....."Hey mom! I'm pregnant and we're getting married, pack your bags!"
I think your sister probably told your mom because she's worried about you. If my sister had been through everything you have been through in the last year, and then was hiding her pregnancy from our mom, I'd be very upset.
I planned to tell her when I go home NEXT week, not in the distant future. Wouldn't you rather hear it in person?
I didn't tell my mom until my 12th week because I wanted to tell her in person. We weren't telling anyone until after the first trimester but I would have told my mom sooner if she lived near. It wasn't the kind of news I wanted to tell over the phone.
People are being gentle because Rikki isn't an ass to other posters and is well liked, she's educated, not a beebee, and kicking a pregnant woman is pretty nasty.
I think many of us are being clear that we don't think getting married now is the best idea, without making her feel like an ass.
rikki, you've been really nice to me here, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. If you were my daughter, and were just in a new relationship and then pregnant, I'd ask you to think about waiting a year to get married. Given all the other changes in your life this year, I would strongly advise pre-wedding counseling, (you said you are going to) but without planning a wedding while going. People get caught up in changes, adrenalin kicks in, and decisions aren't as clear as they believe them to be. People say they know because they believe at the time that it is right, but caution is important. You are not kids; there is no harm in waiting, living as a family, and being sure. That said, if you decide to marry before your baby's arrival, have both your finances protected just in case. Work on being partners, and parents; make life plans, not wedding plans. Have a small ceremony and dinner or brunch closer to home. New England is charming. Don't add planning a DW to the mix. Just my 2cents - said with the hope it is all you believe and wishing you only the best.
I'm going to be the outlier and admit that I would rather know my parents were married before I was born, and then it didn't work out, vs. never married at all. I think some kids struggle when they know their parents were never married.
This pisses me off. Like I am shaking mad. Pretty sure the only stuggle DS will ever have is wondering why I had anything to do with his dad at all. I think marrying him would have set a bad example.
I also married H while pg (everything was planned before I found out so it would have been expensive to move). I hated it. It is very hard to enjoy your wedding and honeymoon while pregnant. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
Maybe you should not form opinions like this until you have been the child of divorce or have been in the process of one yourself. I promise you they aren't a good situation for children. If mine had gone through I am fairly certain that E wouldn't be thinking "well at least they were married until I was 3".
I don't know about that to be honest. People share at different times and in different ways. We told our parents early, even though I had a miscarriage because they wanted to know early AND because I could trust them not to tell other people. I think a calling around 8 or 9 weeks might have made more sense than waiting until week 14/15 and doing it face to face. It think it is particularly bad that she heard it from your sister first but in general I think all things considered you've probably waited a bit too long. It doesn't matter now, but I think your mom might be angry about it all for a long time. Please prepare yourself for her to mad. To say really awful things and not be supportive at first. As other posters have said -- she is going to be really worried about you. We all hope this turns beautifully, but I can't judge her for being worried.
Do you know rikki's mom? This all seems rather presumptuous.
Oh course I don't know her mom. But lets be honest -- Rikki has had one hell of a year. Her mom will understandably be taken aback. Perhaps she'll be the bigger person, but I think the mot "prepare for the worse, hope for the best" seems about right here.
Hell even my mom was short of shocked when I told her and we were married and on good footing. I'm still a bit peeved by her reaction.
People are being gentle because Rikki isn't an ass to other posters and is well liked, she's educated, not a beebee, and kicking a pregnant woman is pretty nasty.
I think many of us are being clear that we don't think getting married now is the best idea, without making her feel like an ass.
rikki, you've been really nice to me here, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. If you were my daughter, and were just in a new relationship and then pregnant, I'd ask you to think about waiting a year to get married. Given all the other changes in your life this year, I would strongly advise pre-wedding counseling, (you said you are going to) but without planning a wedding while going. People get caught up in changes, adrenalin kicks in, and decisions aren't as clear as they believe them to be. People say they know because they believe at the time that it is right, but caution is important. You are not kids; there is no harm in waiting, living as a family, and being sure. That said, if you decide to marry before your baby's arrival, have both your finances protected just in case. Work on being partners, and parents; make life plans, not wedding plans. Have a small ceremony and dinner or brunch closer to home. New England is charming. Don't add planning a DW to the mix. Just my 2cents - said with the hope it is all you believe and wishing you only the best.
CJ - I based it on what I've seen with my own sibling and 2 of her children and how I would feel. I wasn't pointing fingers or saying that X is how it should be and that any other route is wrong. You're making it sound like I did. I merely said how I feel, just as others are who are saying they would do the opposite. Don't chastise me for having my own view just because I haven't lived through it. Otherwise we could close our eyes to everything said in this thread, as most of us haven't lived through what rikki is.
Please don't take what I said personally. You have made great decisions. I'm not stating otherwise.
Maybe you should not form opinions like this until you have been the child of divorce or have been in the process of one yourself. I promise you they aren't a good situation for children. If mine had gone through I am fairly certain that E wouldn't be thinking "well at least they were married until I was 3".
Seriously, I spent years as a child wondering why my parents didn't stay married. It was not until well into adulthood that those thoughts became - how the hell did they end up together and omg they never should have married.
I get why people are urging caution but at the same time she's pregnant and they're planning to raise the baby together. IMO, commitment doesn't really get any deeper than that No matter what happens next they will always be tied through that child and from what she has said he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would give up his parental rights. Divorce of course can be very difficult but I would imagine that working out a satisfactory custody and child support arrangement isn't that far different.
Rikki- I wasn't going to chime in because I have mixed feelings.
Divorce is so hard. Hardest thing I ever been through - including my dad's cancer, my sister's death and whole other host of things life has thrown my way.
On one hand it sounds like your mind is pretty made up, so there's probably not a lot of room to persuade you down another path (like waiting to marry until after the baby). And who knows? Maybe there's no need to wait. Waiting won't hurt anything, though.
If you do decide to go ahead and marry now, I would say do not add the stress of a DW. It will be harder on you (esp while pg), and you can have as beautiful of a day if you do something local.
Everyone handles things at different speeds. You got divorced after I did and you are remarrying and pregnant. I admire your ability to live for today. I have yet to even look at a guy, lol.
I think everyone wants the best for you. You seem like such a sweet girl.
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Jan 30, 2013 12:49:20 GMT -5
Oh well if the girl with the Disney princess avatar says it will all work out, let's take all hop on our unicorns and ride over the rainbow to collect our pot of gold.
It's not like she doesn't know what divorce is like.
Rikki, I say do what's right for you guys. I am an outlier like CloudBee. You've made tough decisions before, I know you'll put your child first no matter what. Good luck!
see? everyone here clearly agrees that you are rushing things but no one had the balls to say it at first.
I didn't say anything because it would be pointing out the obvious. Rikki knows damn well that she's rushing things. She knows she rushed into a relationship, got PG way sooner than would be advisable, etc., and she has always been up front about admitting that. I don't think there's much point in telling her yet again, and nothing anyone here has said has made one bit of difference in how she has chosen to live her life anyway. So at this point, after would be like like round 7 of giving the same advice, some people, myself included, are probably done advising caution. So I just wished her the best, which I sincerely do, and answered the question that was asked.