Post by phunluvin82 on Jan 30, 2013 16:49:07 GMT -5
"I spent so much time leading up to my first wedding worrying about the dress, my hair, the food, the guest list, etc. that I never actually focused on the groom. When/if I get married again the groom is the only thing I care about."
I think you should have led with this, lol. I think some of the PP's were responding out of concern to the 'don't like the idea of being an unwed mother' comment...worried that that was your primary reason for wanting to get married.
If you love him and are happy and would want to marry him in June regardless of a baby on the way, then more power to you for having found your happiness.
(hug) (hug2) rikki I am sending you some internet hugs. Your previous marriage was hell. On to a better life with someone who loves, respects and treats you like you should be treated. There is no timeline that says you have to wait if you don't want to. I can see how some people may feel that you should wait but that is up to you to decide.
Rikki, I've never posted on your threads before but feel compelled to today. I think you are a fantastic human being. I think you will make an excellent mom and wife. And I was truely excited to see your post when you got pg and also today's post about future wedding planning.
My only concern is this. I've read many of your posts in the past. Prior to your divorce, I only read glowing reviews of your exhusband. The day you posted you were getting divorce, I thought I was missing something. But then again, I don't think you understood it either, why he was suddenly divorcing you. However, I never once saw you say anything even remotely negative about him, which I find very odd now that you state his was basically a living hell to live with. I'm not sure if you were just turning the other cheek when you guys were still married but saw the light once divorced? In any regards, it just makes me worry that maybe we are not seeing the entire picture here, obviously we only see/know what you post.
All in all, you know what is best for YOU! Go with it. But I'm happy to hear you are going to counseling first and I would work through some things there before moving forward.
We all wish you the best in everything!! You are a lovely person!
I have seen this first hand with my sister. She was in a bad marriage, but really, truly could not see her H or her marriage for what it was until she was out of it. Only then was she able to gain some perspective and realize how unhappy she'd actually been. She always covered for him though. My parents and I (and other close family/friends) saw through it...but casual friends and acquaintances would have thought she had a great marriage. He left, and it was for the best because I don't think she ever would have.
So, basically I can relate to that type of scenario. My sister did a total 180 SO FAST after her H moved out that none of us could even believe it. She seemed like a huge weight that she never even noticed was there...but everyone else did...was suddenly lifted off her. She is so much happier now and living life to the fullest again.
Rikki, I've never posted on your threads before but feel compelled to today. I think you are a fantastic human being. I think you will make an excellent mom and wife. And I was truely excited to see your post when you got pg and also today's post about future wedding planning.
My only concern is this. I've read many of your posts in the past. Prior to your divorce, I only read glowing reviews of your exhusband. The day you posted you were getting divorce, I thought I was missing something. But then again, I don't think you understood it either, why he was suddenly divorcing you. However, I never once saw you say anything even remotely negative about him, which I find very odd now that you state his was basically a living hell to live with. I'm not sure if you were just turning the other cheek when you guys were still married but saw the light once divorced? In any regards, it just makes me worry that maybe we are not seeing the entire picture here, obviously we only see/know what you post.
All in all, you know what is best for YOU! Go with it. But I'm happy to hear you are going to counseling first and I would work through some things there before moving forward.
We all wish you the best in everything!! You are a lovely person!
I have seen this first hand with my sister. She was in a bad marriage, but really, truly could not see her H or her marriage for what it was until she was out of it. Only then was she able to gain some perspective and realize how unhappy she'd actually been. She always covered for him though. My parents and I (and other close family/friends) saw through it...but casual friends and acquaintances would have thought she had a great marriage. He left, and it was for the best because I don't think she ever would have.
So, basically I can relate to that type of scenario. My sister did a total 180 SO FAST after her H moved out that none of us could even believe it. She seemed like a huge weight that she never even noticed was there...but everyone else did...was suddenly lifted off her. She is so much happier now and living life to the fullest again.
It's interesting. Lots of people (friends and family) have now told me that they saw it but were not sure what to say or do. I knew deep down it wasn't great, of course, but he was my husband and I felt like it was my job as a wife to "protect" him. I would never say anything bad about him because I loved him and because I knew my family would always remember and always side with me.
I just read the post about me on ML and I feel like I am in 7th grade again. I think I need to take a break from this. Not in a GBCN I hate you all type of way, but in a this cannot be healthy for me type of way.
I just read the post about me on ML and I feel like I am in 7th grade again. I think I need to take a break from this. Not in a GBCN I hate you all type of way, but in a this cannot be healthy for me type of way.
I love my family and definitely want them there to celebrate things like my marriage or kids. But yeah. I didn't discuss having kids with them and told them when I felt like it, which was later on. It's not that I'm free and clear of my family. I feel like I have a good relationship with my family. But yeah, regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy, and my first kid was not planned, I didn't give a damn what people thought about my pregnancies.
Perhaps I am indeed odd in being like this.
I am so in your camp liveintheville and don't think you are odd. I love my family and so does DH but we did not discuss kids with them. It's none of their business, at least in our minds. I'm the only child and DH is only one of 2, so it's not like we have a huge family either. With that said, we also waited until 8 or 9 wks before we told them we were expecting. We would have waited longer but it was Thanksgiving and we were seeing everyone at the same time, so it was just easier to do it then.
I am not pregnant nor have I ever been pregnant, but I am totally in this camp. I probably wouldn't tell my family at all until well into my second trimester. I am a very private person and that is just the way my family is. I think it is odd that everyone is so latched onto this parent business. But then again I think people that talk to their parents all the time are odd. I keep mine at arm's length. My dad calls himself the "anti helicopter parents."
stopppp rolling your eyes at me! i like you and it hurts my e-feelings that the love isn't quite reciprocated.
This isn't the first time this week someone said this to me.
speaking of which, did I chase genet off the board? /random
Ha, no cosmos, I'm still very much here. I still like you, and agree with your assessment of this situation (I think I even liked your post). Just not as much interesting shit to respond to this week.
ETA: Sorry to hijack your thread rikki. I've been lurking long enough to see you pre and post-divorce, and I felt so sad for you during that time. And glad for you that you've found a new guy.
But I agree with PPs who are gently suggesting that you wait until after the baby is born to have the wedding. Let the divorce hormones, the new love hormones, the pregnancy hormones and the postpartum hormones settle, then have a beautiful DW whereever the hell you want. And have your sweet baby there to celebrate with you.
Rikki, I really think you're missing a lot of what people are saying. No one is arguing that your ex was a great guy or that you shouldn't be glad to be done with a dysfunctional marriage. Rather, you have been through so much trauma and change recently it just IS NOT POSSIBLE for you to be seeing things clearly right now.
Dwelling on the crazy shit your ex did is not the same thing as working through a bad marriage and figuring out why you were in it, why you stayed and what will be different going forward.
If you get married again and it is again an unhealthy marriage, I really fear you will hesitate to leave out of embarassment.
:Y: All those awful things your ex did are all the more reason to take it slow this time around. You need to figure out why it took HIM divorcing you for you to get out of it.
I really hope this thread hasn't made you feel bad-- almost everyone just wants the best for you.
Rikki, I really think you're missing a lot of what people are saying. No one is arguing that your ex was a great guy or that you shouldn't be glad to be done with a dysfunctional marriage. Rather, you have been through so much trauma and change recently it just IS NOT POSSIBLE for you to be seeing things clearly right now.
Dwelling on the crazy shit your ex did is not the same thing as working through a bad marriage and figuring out why you were in it, why you stayed and what will be different going forward.
If you get married again and it is again an unhealthy marriage, I really fear you will hesitate to leave out of embarassment.
All those awful things your ex did are all the more reason to take it slow this time around. You need to figure out why it took HIM divorcing you for you to get out of it.
I really hope this thread hasn't made you feel bad-- almost everyone just wants the best for you.
I am going to ditto lilly here. I hope this all works out for you rikki. Whatever the outcome we will be here for you.
A lot of the advice given to you today is what I would say to my best friend or my sister if either one of them were in this situation. It is really coming from a place of support. I don't think anyone wants to make you feel bad.
I just read the post about me on ML and I feel like I am in 7th grade again. I think I need to take a break from this. Not in a GBCN I hate you all type of way, but in a this cannot be healthy for me type of way.
Rikki, I really think you're missing a lot of what people are saying. No one is arguing that your ex was a great guy or that you shouldn't be glad to be done with a dysfunctional marriage. Rather, you have been through so much trauma and change recently it just IS NOT POSSIBLE for you to be seeing things clearly right now.
Dwelling on the crazy shit your ex did is not the same thing as working through a bad marriage and figuring out why you were in it, why you stayed and what will be different going forward.
If you get married again and it is again an unhealthy marriage, I really fear you will hesitate to leave out of embarassment.
All those awful things your ex did are all the more reason to take it slow this time around. You need to figure out why it took HIM divorcing you for you to get out of it.
I really hope this thread hasn't made you feel bad-- almost everyone just wants the best for you.
I seem to recall most everyone saying this when Rikki first 'fessed up about having a BF. This is also part of the reason I didn't say anything today - this issue has already been approached, she clearly doesn't plan to take things slowly, so IMO there was no point in hashing this out again.
And Rikki, I'm sorry you feel so piled on. Even though everyone here has your best interest in mind, it's probably not easy to hear. And maybe on some level you know that the advice you're getting is valid, which is making you more uncomfortable. I really wish you a lifetime of happiness! (hug) (hug2)
Gosh, rikki, I just saw this. I feel so bad this happened to you. I don't know about you, but I could use some cinnamon rolls to go with that coffee. (hug)
I really take no issue at all with what any of you have sad today. I'm just hurt by the ML thread. I would never make fun of anyone else's circumstances and even though it should be beneath me, it's just cruel and mean. You guys are all still great
A TON of people don't tell family they're pregnant until second trimester...especially after experiencing a loss.
Well, yeah, but I think some of the issue is that she was planning to be all "hey mom I'm KU and we're also getting married." That's a big bomb to drop considering everything else.
Post by expatpumpkin on Jan 30, 2013 18:56:33 GMT -5
How about Colorado? We had a winter wedding in the Vail Valley (Beaver Creek), and the resorts are just gorgeous in the summer as well. You could have an outdoor ceremony and it wouldn't be too hot or too cold. And there are lots of outdoorsy activities for your guests. Mountain wedding. Sigh.
I didn't think we were making fun of Rikki in the ML thread but maybe I'm biased. I think most posters had the same concerns that MMers posted here.
There are ways of voicing concerns without being mean. Also if you really wanted to express concern you'd tell rikki in this thread.
Instead, a thread was started on ML not to express sincere concern but to share her situation with a wider audience for the purposes of judging.
It's unkind and immature at best.
OMFG! There's no way she posted any of this without knowing on some level it would get a little heated. I barely know her, but I know she's not an idiot.
It's our weird gossip culture that so many MMerswant to be a part of lately....
OMFG! There's no way she posted any of this without knowing on some level it would get a little heated. I barely know her, but I know she's not an idiot.
It's our weird gossip culture that so many MMerswant to be a part of lately....
Agreed. Sure we wanted to discuss the topic. I don't see the harm in that and I still don't see how we were making fun of her. That's kinda how message boards work, no?
How is that any different than the DC AE recap thread that was posted here last week?
Well, TBH, I think most of MM acted above the outing. LOL.
I do laugh that about the fact that some MMers migrated to ML, when for AGES they told me "Stop going there! They're crazy! Don't talk to any of them!" Some of them are now posting there. I know they think the difference is they won't get into tangles there. But they will. No one is exempt.
We're more than happy to remind them why they told you that!
OMFG! There's no way she posted any of this without knowing on some level it would get a little heated. I barely know her, but I know she's not an idiot.
It's our weird gossip culture that so many MMerswant to be a part of lately....
Agreed. Sure we wanted to discuss the topic. I don't see the harm in that and I still don't see how we were making fun of her. That's kinda how message boards work, no?
How is that any different than the DC AE recap thread that was posted here last week?
"That's why I kind of think she got pregnant on purpose. Her ex came from money and did pretty well for himself, she had a nice lifestyle with him (monetarily that is). I think the new guy is a lawyer and also does very well for himself and I think she saw an opportunity."
It's the shit like the above. It's spiteful and mean and shows no concern at all.
coming in super late here but wanted to offer hugs as well! I do think you got some good advice here.
Reading what you shared in this thread about some of the awful things your ex did it's clear that he was controlling and emotionally abusive. I do think the fact that you just accepted it for a long time and decided to get pregnant with him after all of that needs to be explored with a therapist. I can't remember if you are already seeing one but if not, definitely find someone to process your previous relationship and all the changes you're going through now.
Both of my parents were married previously and they carried baggage from those marriages for a very long time and it hurt their marriage. I asked my parents on their 25th anniversary how they made it that far and if they had any advice to share and they both said that working through all the shit from their previous marriages when they'd been married about 10 years changed everything for the better. They saw a therapist individually and together for several months. Life has thrown many obstacles their way: job losses, a house that wouldn't sell for years during a recession, in law drama, dealing with exes, multiple chronic illnesses and my mom having to retire at 43, anxiety and depression, raising 3 kids, etc. Life is HARD and having a great partner by your side is awesome, but relationships aren't easy and I think processing previous relationships, ESPECIALLY abusive ones, is only going to help your relationship.
"That's why I kind of think she got pregnant on purpose. Her ex came from money and did pretty well for himself, she had a nice lifestyle with him (monetarily that is). I think the new guy is a lawyer and also does very well for himself and I think she saw an opportunity."
It's the shit like the above. It's spiteful and mean and shows no concern at all.
I agree, that was mean. But that was one poster's comments. It certainly doesn't represent all of ML.
Sorry. I didn't mean to imply it does. I post on ML and like the general community. I think saying Rikki shouldn't be upset by the ML thread doesn't make sense, though, because there were the couple of comments like this. And even though they were not the majority that stings.
I'm sorry this thread turned the way it did. So much different from last night's earlier posts. Congratulations on the baby, and the wedding planning, whenever and wherever you may decide to do it.
You are moving in together to parent your child (good idea) so why not get married to protect each other?
No disrespect, but you are pretty much the last person who should be saying this.
Actually I wouldnt recommend this to a Canadian because we have commonlaw partnerships and you are protected. I was just thinking if she and this person broke up, she has less protection like she would as a spouse. (Signed, no idea about laws on divorce in the US or commonlaw unions, etc)
and no disrespect because it took us 12 yrs to decide to get married. I am the complete opposite of this relationship.