Well, looks like I got it right. I have a 48 year old guy taking care of me. Go Me! Woo!
Wait, I'm 49. It's not like I'm 21 anymore. MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK MY HUSBAND'S FACEBOOK?? OMG!!!
Seriously, I'm questioning the 11 year age difference. So that makes you what, 10? Certainly you're not acting like a mature adult here. She's 21. She's dating a guy who appears to be treating her well enough. He's not beating her or selling her or forcing drugs on her or anything else that is seriously a cause for concern. What is there to be *breathless* about or *concerned* about. No reason to call your mom out of great concern for the life choices of your adult niece, except that you deem them judgment-worthy. You've told her your concerns about money when she was talking boob job. She knows where you stand. And she's not in agreement in standing there with you. Deal with it and judge with the rest of your family. She'll be off living her own life and pulling as far and as fast as she can from the rest of the people who are sitting there in their little glass houses and stoning her for her choices.
ETA: Help your mom unravel her financial involvement? How does this involve you again? All your mom has to do is say "I can't support you financially right now." There is no financial involvement here on your part, and only limited involvement in that it's YOUR ADULT MOTHER (who should be able to make her own freaking decision as to whether she wants to continue support.) Niece is 21, your mom's support is *optional* and purely out of the goodness of her heart. Where do you come in? And WTF are you being so proactive in your niece's life? To the point of calling your mother and telling her to cut niece off?
So I haven't done anything beyond vent here and yet I'm "the worst aunt" omg "this is crazy you guys". I think it's reasonable for me to vent out my fears on a message board. Thanks for the entertainment I have had enough. Going to call my mom and see how she is doing in all this.
Then you can call your niece and pull the "your GRANDMOTHER is so disappointed in you" card.
At first I thought people were a bit harsh with you, because if it was my DD or niece, I'd freak out. But you sound way too much like my mother telling me at 21 that "men will use me and won't marry me if I am used" to take seriously.
Lol! I had my own pot 'ol gold and husband had his too. We both got lucky.
So let her get her nice little divorce settlement and alimony like you guys did. Stop being so selfish!
Sorry guys Im incapable of taking this seriously.
HUh? You have an incorrect understanding. He had his and I had mine so we lucked out when we married and combined our lives. Several babies later.. if we were to divorce, it would include some major child support. This is way off topic.. on a bunny trail now...
Well, looks like I got it right. I have a 48 year old guy taking care of me. Go Me! Woo!
Wait, I'm 49. It's not like I'm 21 anymore. MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK MY HUSBAND'S FACEBOOK?? OMG!!!
Seriously, I'm questioning the 11 year age difference. So that makes you what, 10? Certainly you're not acting like a mature adult here. She's 21. She's dating a guy who appears to be treating her well enough. He's not beating her or selling her or forcing drugs on her or anything else that is seriously a cause for concern. What is there to be *breathless* about or *concerned* about. No reason to call your mom out of great concern for the life choices of your adult niece, except that you deem them judgment-worthy. You've told her your concerns about money when she was talking boob job. She knows where you stand. And she's not in agreement in standing there with you. Deal with it and judge with the rest of your family. She'll be off living her own life and pulling as far and as fast as she can from the rest of the people who are sitting there in their little glass houses and stoning her for her choices.
ETA: Help your mom unravel her financial involvement? How does this involve you again? All your mom has to do is say "I can't support you financially right now." There is no financial involvement here on your part, and only limited involvement in that it's YOUR ADULT MOTHER (who should be able to make her own freaking decision as to whether she wants to continue support.) Niece is 21, your mom's support is *optional* and purely out of the goodness of her heart. Where do you come in? And WTF are you being so proactive in your niece's life? To the point of calling your mother and telling her to cut niece off?
I manage my mothers finances since my father passed. She wants to stop the support.
So let her get her nice little divorce settlement and alimony like you guys did. Stop being so selfish!
Sorry guys Im incapable of taking this seriously.
HUh? You have an incorrect understanding. He had his and I had mine so we lucked out when we married and combined our lives. Several babies later.. if we were to divorce, it would include some major child support. This is way off topic.. on a bunny trail now...
I thoght you both dug some gold, got divorced and married each other with your sweet divorce settlements.
That would have been way smarter. Youre not supposed to WORK for money. Haha oh geez cat. Youre so silly. I have to call my mom and tell her you and your H WORKED for money, Hahaha!
You want to have any part of your niece's life from here on out?
BACK THE FUCK OFF. Tell your family to do the same. Stop gossiping with your mom about her and tell every family member who contacts YOU (and WTF with that, anyway) to leave it alone. I can about guarantee this girl will not be showing up to any family functions if she thinks she'll be lectured by every single person there.
I can get on board with this. Just need to help unravel my mothers financial involvemnt. She doesn't know what's going on (bc niece won't return her calls) and it's worrying my mom and she wants to end financial support.
Cancel the cards in her name. Boom. Done. I'm sure she'd call either your mom or you then. That's all that needs to be done. Call up the credit card companies, remove her name and cancel the cards. It's not that hard to do. It's your mom's account, not hers, if I've read your posts correctly.
Post by karmasabiotch on Dec 11, 2013 13:54:17 GMT -5
Nothing you can do. If you try to tell her she's making poor choices she won't listen to you and then you will be cut off when she needs to reach out for help.
ETA: Help your mom unravel her financial involvement? How does this involve you again? All your mom has to do is say "I can't support you financially right now." There is no financial involvement here on your part, and only limited involvement in that it's YOUR ADULT MOTHER (who should be able to make her own freaking decision as to whether she wants to continue support.) Niece is 21, your mom's support is *optional* and purely out of the goodness of her heart. Where do you come in? And WTF are you being so proactive in your niece's life? To the point of calling your mother and telling her to cut niece off?
I manage my mothers finances since my father passed. She wants to stop the support.
Why does she want to stop the support? Because you don't agree with her life choices? Or she can't afford it?
Well then, a lovely last check with a letter. "Sorry I haven't heard from you lately. I'm not able to financially help you out right now so this will be the last check for a while. (or...I heard that you're no longer in school and haven't heard otherwise from you. The money was to help support you while you were in school and if in fact it's true that you're no longer attending then the agreement we had is no longer in effect. If this is in fact not true please give me a call so we can catch up.) I hope you're doing well. I love you very much. Grandma."
I assume the money is tied to your niece's behavior being acceptable to you and your mom? And that she passes your judgment and scrutiny?Otherwise, the checks should continue until when your niece is *supposed* to graduate per the agreement I assume she had with your mom/her grandmother, screw the fact that she's dating a guy of whom you don't approve and you don't like her current lifestyle.
You want to have any part of your niece's life from here on out?
BACK THE FUCK OFF. Tell your family to do the same. Stop gossiping with your mom about her and tell every family member who contacts YOU (and WTF with that, anyway) to leave it alone. I can about guarantee this girl will not be showing up to any family functions if she thinks she'll be lectured by every single person there.
I can get on board with this. Just need to help unravel my mothers financial involvemnt. She doesn't know what's going on (bc niece won't return her calls) and it's worrying my mom and she wants to end financial support.
Call the credit card company and have them remove your niece as an authorized user.
I manage my mothers finances since my father passed. She wants to stop the support.
Why does she want to stop the support? Because you don't agree with her life choices? Or she can't afford it?
Well then, a lovely last check with a letter. "Sorry I haven't heard from you lately. I'm not able to financially help you out right now so this will be the last check for a while. (or...I heard that you're no longer in school and haven't heard otherwise from you. The money was to help support you while you were in school and if in fact it's true that you're no longer attending then the agreement we had is no longer in effect. If this is in fact not true please give me a call so we can catch up.) I hope you're doing well. I love you very much. Grandma."
I assume the money is tied to your niece's behavior being acceptable to you and your mom? And that she passes your judgment and scrutiny?Otherwise, the checks should continue until when your niece is *supposed* to graduate per the agreement I assume she had with your mom/her grandmother, screw the fact that she's dating a guy of whom you don't approve and you don't like her current lifestyle.
I am not burning up the phone lines *gossiping* as others have assumed. My phone is ringing from family calling to ask whats up and that annoys me. I wish they would call her mom (and probably are calling her.)
I have not influenced my mothers decision to stop financial involvement. I am her POA and have never told her what to do with her money. Niece isn't staying in touch with her grandmother and isn't in school. I have not confirmed any of that because i haven't talked to my niece since early fall. But my mom is upset and they had an agreement so if she wants to cut her off it's her money and her decision. I will call the bank and help her through that.
Why does she want to stop the support? Because you don't agree with her life choices? Or she can't afford it?
I am not burning up the phone lines *gossiping* as others have assumed. My phone is ringing from family calling to ask whats up and that annoys me. I wish they would call her mom (and probably are calling her.)
Dictionary.com:
gos·sip [gos-uhp] Show IPA noun, verb, gos·siped or gos·sipped, gos·sip·ing or gos·sip·ping.
noun 1. idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others
I think you definitely are gossiping. It's a private personal matter that doesn't involve you.
Am I the only one who would admit that I'd be sad if my 21 year old niece was dating a 48 year old guy? And was blowing through her student loan money and getting herself into debt? I mean, I'd know that there's nothing I could do about it and I'd stay out of it but it would seriously bum me out and I'd worry for her.
And 48 isn't "old" in the grand scheme of life, but it's old to be dating a 21 year old. Hopefully it will fizzle on its own soon.
No you aren't. I would be sad too. I might even say something.... or post on a message board to get advice before I did. This is one of those threads where I am just.... puzzled by the level of mean going on. : (
Am I the only one who would admit that I'd be sad if my 21 year old niece was dating a 48 year old guy? And was blowing through her student loan money and getting herself into debt? I mean, I'd know that there's nothing I could do about it and I'd stay out of it but it would seriously bum me out and I'd worry for her.
And 48 isn't "old" in the grand scheme of life, but it's old to be dating a 21 year old. Hopefully it will fizzle on its own soon.
No you aren't. I would be sad too. I might even say something.... or post on a message board to get advice before I did. This is one of those threads where I am just.... puzzled by the level of mean going on. : (
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
No you aren't. I would be sad too. I might even say something.... or post on a message board to get advice before I did. This is one of those threads where I am just.... puzzled by the level of mean going on. : (
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
I see nothing in her posts that has warranted this kind of pile on or being cursed at and called a cunt.
Yeah this stuff isn't for me. Happy Christmas one and all.
When I was 21 I was dating a divorced 27 year old creeper with two kids and had the NERVE to post pictures on Facebook. I was his second girlfriend since his divorce to let you guys know what a scumbag he was.
Then i decided to rub it in my family's face and post our wedding photos on Facebook too. Ha! Take THAT Aunt Lois!
Oh man, Lois doesn't have Facebook. Maybe i can get this annulled? That was really the only reason I married this guy.
Niece's ex-boyfriend before this old dude was 27 (she was 19). I had no problems with him or his age. She was focused on school, working on her goals but they broke up because she told me she didn't like his last name and knew he wouldn't make enough money. I told her to do it before he got too involved. She strung him along, cheated on him for almost a year and i said nothing and just supported her. Been there. DOne that.
Again, not your place to tell her what to do/not do or what she SHOULD do. Maybe you should MYOB and take care of the things you can control in your own life instead of getting all up in other people's business.
No, you aren't. It's ok to feel however you want. But you said you would keep it to yourself.
Cuntinthehat is missing that last portion.
Lame: I didn't say anything to niece about me being upset by her dating an "older for her" guy. She has quit talking to family, even younger siblings. I was posting my frustration on a message board.
I manage my mothers finances since my father passed. She wants to stop the support.
So then just go ahead and cancel the cards, stop payments etc.
This reeks of "I won't pay for lifestyle I don't like" which is fine, your Mom doesn't have to pay for her if she doesn't want to.
But I suspect that you guys are trying to use the 'we pay for you so you have to live how we want you to' card instead of it being an actual financial strain ...because if it is really straining your Moms finances, I don't see why you haven't just canceled everything already.
Your suspicion is wrong. We are not trying to control her with money. My mothers finances are not strained.
In fact, I think she was too sheltered and spoiled due to my mothers financial help. My parents wanted to help her go to college and she was supposed to graduate. Instead she started blowing her money on designer things. My mom let it go on too long and now niece won't return calls or update her about her school status and partying using a credit card paid by grandma and posting it on facebook??. This upsets my mom. And I can understand why. That is selfish and she is taking advantage and it has nothing to do with the 48 yr old boyfriend. Separate issues but all related. She's making bad choices.
Some of you said you would be ok if your daughter acted like this and that's your choice. But my mom is involved and upset and I'm getting 20 questions from friends and family.
I'm mad that's she's wasting an opportunity to go to school and make a life for herself and sad that she's making bad decisions. Call me crazy but I can feel that way. I am not creating the drama and giving my niece ultimatums. I haven't said one negative thing to her other than "who is that guy in your pics?"
I'm just venting to you! Why is there so much defensiveness??
Why does she want to stop the support? Because you don't agree with her life choices? Or she can't afford it?
Well then, a lovely last check with a letter. "Sorry I haven't heard from you lately. I'm not able to financially help you out right now so this will be the last check for a while. (or...I heard that you're no longer in school and haven't heard otherwise from you. The money was to help support you while you were in school and if in fact it's true that you're no longer attending then the agreement we had is no longer in effect. If this is in fact not true please give me a call so we can catch up.) I hope you're doing well. I love you very much. Grandma."
I assume the money is tied to your niece's behavior being acceptable to you and your mom? And that she passes your judgment and scrutiny?Otherwise, the checks should continue until when your niece is *supposed* to graduate per the agreement I assume she had with your mom/her grandmother, screw the fact that she's dating a guy of whom you don't approve and you don't like her current lifestyle.
I am not burning up the phone lines *gossiping* as others have assumed. My phone is ringing from family calling to ask whats up and that annoys me. I wish they would call her mom (and probably are calling her.)
I have not influenced my mothers decision to stop financial involvement. I am her POA and have never told her what to do with her money. Niece isn't staying in touch with her grandmother and isn't in school. I have not confirmed any of that because i haven't talked to my niece since early fall. But my mom is upset and they had an agreement so if she wants to cut her off it's her money and her decision. I will call the bank and help her through that.
Keep repeating "I don't know, you'll have to ask niece" and they'll stop annoying you.
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
I see nothing in her posts that has warranted this kind of pile on or being cursed at and called a cunt.
Yeah this stuff isn't for me. Happy Christmas one and all.
ITA. If my (hypothetical) niece dropped out of college, got into debt, became involved with a man older than her father and immediately cut off contact with all of her family I'd be worried as fuck.
Yes, there's a fine line between caring and interfering, but come on, the OP is clearly genuinely concerned. I would be too.
As to what OP should do? I'd send her a text/email saying I was worried I hadn't heard from her, that I hoped she was ok, that I loved her and that I was there to talk, anytime. I'd tell her not to be a stranger and that I'd always be there for her, with no judgment.
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
I see nothing in her posts that has warranted this kind of pile on or being cursed at and called a cunt.
Yeah this stuff isn't for me. Happy Christmas one and all.
This part I agree with. However, OP is being deliberately obtuse. She asked for advice and got it, continues to respond despite the reasonable advice on the first pages - in a hard-headed, judgmental manner toward her niece ("older dude" "cheated on her prior boyfriend..." "looking for someone to take care of her..." ad nauseum) and wonders why niece has cut off contact? If that's how "favorite aunt" responds, imagine how the rest of the family acts.
Pile-ons are the norm, not the exception, in the event of bull-headed OPs. btdt.
It's OP's business to be in mom's financials if she's taking care of them, but it seems the decision is being made based on OP's decisions that her niece is a gold-digger dating a creeper and not living her life in the manner prescribed by OP (and family) regardless of whether the OP is actually going to school or has dropped out, whether her GPA is non-existent or she's Dean's List Phi Beta Kappa (because she's admitted she has no idea what's going on.) Cut her off until she's doing what we want her to do! ERTY!
Many posters are saying "I see why niece isn't calling back, if this is how she's being received." Even if the words aren't said, the intent behind them is clear. The judgment by OP is exactly why niece isn't contacting family. Ergo the pile on, in the hope that if enough people say "get your head out of your ass, MYOB and just be your (adult) niece's aunt, not her life coach!" she'll see the light. Or because it's a herd mentality all around. If it's not a herd mentality or pot being stirred somewhere in the family, why is "everybody" concerned and calling her to talk about niece? Niece doesn't want to deal with the family raining down on her, and I don't blame her. OP, however, does. Niece will pay for it one way or another in the end.