And for the financials - cut her off. She'll call soon enough when she doesn't get a check or the bankcard is declined.
SO this statement would've been sufficient but posters went all crazy..your controlling her, personal attacks on my screen name ...blah blah. Damn what a waste of an afternoon. I really just wanted to vent. I'm cool with the above advice. I can see logic in that.
My mom has to make the decision to cut her off and waffles. Its yes then no and she's upset over it. Its her grandaughter.
The texts and messages to niece are specific. She just doen't give a shit right now and I'm worried and irritated all at the same freaking time. ANd I wish her mother would handle this but she has tons of issues personal issues that prevent that.
Why is it your mom's job to support her or give her carte blanche with a credit card? Know what I got from my grandparents when I was 21? $5 in a card once in a blue moon. I was lucky enough to be an authorized user on my parents credit card. For emergency purposes. You better believe that my dad had my ass on the phone when I made a $9 purchase at Walmart.
She is 21 and is assumed to no longer be going to school. Whether or not school was part of the condition of your mother's help from the get go is unclear. But, if she continues to get a free spending pass, she's not going to have a lightbulb "OH, I probably shouldn't use Grandma's card for this" moment on her own.
But you're not asking "How can I help her?" Helping her is being there when she falls, not telling her "You're making some huge mistakes and dating this older guy is a big, big mistake (said in my best Julia Roberts Pretty Woman voice.) Huge mistake." She already knows what you think. Why do you think she disconnected her FB and isn't calling you back? Because she already knows you don't approve!You don't want to help her, you want to tell her what you think about her dating a creeper. That's not help, that's judgment. NOT HELP! Judgment is not help!
A supportive Christmas card is just further judgment. A Christmas Card doesn't need to be supportive, it needs to be a freaking Christmas card! A gift is a gift is a gift. If you want to send her a gift because you always do and she's your favorite niece, send her a gift already. If you don't because she's an adult and you don't send adults Christmas gifts because your list would be too long, then DON'T send her a gift already. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND HER A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES, DON'T SEND HER A GIFT BUT OWN THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT SENDING A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES! Not for any reason other than you don't agree with her choices.
I want to be clear...I never "advised" my niece on what she should do or mentioned my disapproval. I simply asked her in a text who that guy was in her pic. I was not negative.
Perhaps she is worried about what others think but i never judged or insulted her so her behavior is out of ordinary. I think she knows what others will think and shut it all down.
The comments were direct takes based on what you said. You asked how you could help, immediately followed up with "tell her she's made mistakes and this is the worst." (and something else I don't recall and don't want to hunt for.) YOU are the one who wanted to send a "supportive" Christmas card and whether you should send her a gift or not. None of that was my imaginings. And as cville and others have pointed out, even if you don't say it, it doesn't mean it wasn't understood. A glare is just as effective as a verbal Fuck You. A raised eyebrow as effective as a verbal "I disapprove." Radio silence is just as meaningful as (or more so than) "But you don't know....!!!" Just because you don't say it doesn't mean you didn't "say" it and she didn't hear it.
So yes, you "advised" - even if it was in tone only - when you asked, and she interpreted your question as you disapprove. Because it's obvious that you disapprove and the tone on the internet or in text is quite easily understood.
From my OP: "Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot."
I said nothing of not giving her a gift if she dates this guy. She hasn't been in touch with anyone in the family. I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell her I'm concerned and gloss it over with "here's a pretty present will make all better attitude."
Problems are: 1. She's not returning any calls, 2. posting pics of herself showing T&A with this guy, 3. presumably not in school and 4. spending gma's money without her approval.
You smile and act normal BECAUSE HER DATING AN OLDER GUY IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!
Problems:
1. Okay, she's not returning calls. Tell her when you see her that you'd like to hear from her more and she should return her calls. halaloltistheseason. But she's a grownup and not REQUIRED to return calls.
2. Her business not yours. You sit in judgment.
3. Presumably. You sit in judgment without the facts.
4. She's spending HER money that grandma happens to gift to her. How she spends it is her business. If Gma wants to cut her off, that's up to HER. For whatever reason - like...not returning calls, dressing like a hoochiemama and posting it on Facebook, not going to school. Whatever. But it's HER decision. If it's because of YOUR JUDGMENT of HER LIFESTYLE and things YOU are adding to your mother's concern already, then shame on you for judging a 21 year old and I don't blame her for Problem #1.
You've come across as pretty judgmental all throughout this thread and I'm pretty sure that's coming across to your mother as well. So now your mom is concerned and likely judgmental of niece as wel. And if she's as "fragile" that she needs someone to take care of her finances, and that someone is making decisions for her, that person better really think about why Grandma is cutting off niece because it's pretty certain that her "advisory" input and advice has been received and acknowledged.
#4 Money is for school. As long as she's in school gma would help support her. They have an agreement so it's not like niece is unaware of what the financial help is for. I never get involved in what my mom wants to spend money on. She tells me and I lay out the options for her..cash, credit, pull from investments. etc. My dad used to do it so she never learned.
I get most of what you are saying. I got to run but it's emotional situation that won't fix itself overnight.
#4 Money is for school. As long as she's in school gma would help support her. They have an agreement so it's not like niece is unaware of what the financial help is for. I never get involved in what my mom wants to spend money on. She tells me and I lay out the options for her..cash, credit, pull from investments. etc. My dad used to do it so she never learned.
I get most of what you are saying. I got to run but it's emotional situation that won't fix itself overnight.
Well then, problem solved. If niece isn't calling back and Grandma isn't sure she's in school, then she's cut off until she calls back and confirms she's in school. What's with the stress and breathlessness and OMG she's dating an "old dude" and wearing tight clothes and sitting in judgment and every other irrelevant factoid and non-factoid.
I want to be clear...I never "advised" my niece on what she should do or mentioned my disapproval. I simply asked her in a text who that guy was in her pic. I was not negative.
Perhaps she is worried about what others think but i never judged or insulted her so her behavior is out of ordinary. I think she knows what others will think and shut it all down.
The comments were direct takes based on what you said. You asked how you could help, immediately followed up with "tell her she's made mistakes and this is the worst." (and something else I don't recall and don't want to hunt for.) YOU are the one who wanted to send a "supportive" Christmas card and whether you should send her a gift or not. None of that was my imaginings. And as cville and others have pointed out, even if you don't say it, it doesn't mean it wasn't understood. A glare is just as effective as a verbal Fuck You. A raised eyebrow as effective as a verbal "I disapprove." Radio silence is just as meaningful as (or more so than) "But you don't know....!!!" Just because you don't say it doesn't mean you didn't "say" it and she didn't hear it.
So yes, you "advised" - even if it was in tone only - when you asked, and she interpreted your question as you disapprove. Because it's obvious that you disapprove and the tone on the internet or in text is quite easily understood.
uhhh no. Much of the above is wrong and inaccurate.
I'm out of time as I said in my above post. And text is quite easily "misunderstood" so a lot of room for error and drama.
#4 Money is for school. As long as she's in school gma would help support her. They have an agreement so it's not like niece is unaware of what the financial help is for. I never get involved in what my mom wants to spend money on. She tells me and I lay out the options for her..cash, credit, pull from investments. etc. My dad used to do it so she never learned.
I get most of what you are saying. I got to run but it's emotional situation that won't fix itself overnight.
Well then, problem solved. If niece isn't calling back and Grandma isn't sure she's in school, then she's cut off until she calls back and confirms she's in school. What's with the stress and breathlessness and OMG she's dating an "old dude" and wearing tight clothes?
I fixed some of that..I hid her in my feed on fbook. Now I can breathe a bit more.
Post by schitzengiggles on Dec 11, 2013 16:44:12 GMT -5
I haven't read through all of the replies... I do see why you are concerned and the dilemma you feel you are faced with. However I don't understand why you are SO MAD that you would be "trying to catch your breath". Perhaps a chill pill and a little shot of MYOB?
I'm still WTFing that you can't see how texting to question her about a photo on her FB isn't crossing a boundary or invasive.
You are not her parent, and even if you were....she's 21!
Hold up. If you put something on fucking FB, it's there for the world to see. I don't see how it's invasive to text someone and ask them about what's on their FB.
I'm still WTFing that you can't see how texting to question her about a photo on her FB isn't crossing a boundary or invasive.
You are not her parent, and even if you were....she's 21!
Hold up. If you put something on fucking FB, it's there for the world to see. I don't see how it's invasive to text someone and ask them about what's on their FB.
This thread is getting out of control.
Normally I'd agree, but the text was "who is the guy" when she apparently already knew who the guy was (father of a classmate and checked out his FB page) and was just looking for a response. Also, I think there was some mention about telling her telling niece to NOT post on Facebook because she's "showing T&A." So, not necessarily invasive to text, if it's an innocent text. But it wasn't such an innocent text. It was a judgmental "who is the old guy that I really know who it is but want to hear it from you" text.
Hold up. If you put something on fucking FB, it's there for the world to see. I don't see how it's invasive to text someone and ask them about what's on their FB.
This thread is getting out of control.
Normally I'd agree, but the text was "who is the guy" when she apparently already knew who the guy was (father of a classmate and checked out his FB page) and was just looking for a response. Also, I think there was some mention about telling her telling niece to NOT post on Facebook because she's "showing T&A." So, not necessarily invasive to text, if it's an innocent text. But it wasn't such an innocent text. It was a judgmental "who is the old guy that I really know who it is but want to hear it from you" text.
Now that's a bold face lie and some made up BS...WOAH mrsbpo you really need to step off the internet for a bit because now your just making stuff up.
I NEVER knew who the old guy was. I sent her a text months ago simply asking who the guy was in her instagram pics. Nothing else just "who's that guy with you at the TapRoom?" I was friends with my niece on instagram and facebook and I always send her texts or call about what she's been up to like "how was your trip to Italy..looked like an awesome time" That is common for our relationship.
I NEVER utter the words to my niece to "NOT post on Facebook bc she's showing T&A." That's my own opinion and my own disapproval but I would NEVER have told her that nor inferred it to her! That's shitty.
I was not hacking her account or spying. She re-activated this morning and my feed was full of party pics of her and the older guy.
I looked at his facebook page for the first time THIS MORNING when she became active again and he was tagged in all her activity. I recognized his son's name/face and knew who it was because i know of her friends.
Holy crap. If I want to ask my niece about something on her facebook/instagram I will because she has shared it with her friends. And she does the same with me! There's nothing to hide. IF she wants to limit her exposure she can lock it down.
Hold up. If you put something on fucking FB, it's there for the world to see. I don't see how it's invasive to text someone and ask them about what's on their FB.
This thread is getting out of control.
Normally I'd agree, but the text was "who is the guy" when she apparently already knew who the guy was (father of a classmate and checked out his FB page) and was just looking for a response. Also, I think there was some mention about telling her telling niece to NOT post on Facebook because she's "showing T&A." So, not necessarily invasive to text, if it's an innocent text. But it wasn't such an innocent text. It was a judgmental "who is the old guy that I really know who it is but want to hear it from you" text.
This is actually not true at all. At least, the OP never said any of it. She said she eventually figured out who the guy was and wished her niece wouldn't post racy pics on FB. She never told her niece not to post anything.
That's why threads like this are annoying. By page 5 people just start making shit up.
I haven't read through all of the replies... I do see why you are concerned and the dilemma you feel you are faced with. However I don't understand why you are SO MAD that you would be "trying to catch your breath". Perhaps a chill pill and a little shot of MYOB?
Yes now I can see that my title was a bit over the top. I have low tolerance for stress these days but I'm not going to have a stroke over it. I understand what you're saying.
Normally I'd agree, but the text was "who is the guy" when she apparently already knew who the guy was (father of a classmate and checked out his FB page) and was just looking for a response. Also, I think there was some mention about telling her telling niece to NOT post on Facebook because she's "showing T&A." So, not necessarily invasive to text, if it's an innocent text. But it wasn't such an innocent text. It was a judgmental "who is the old guy that I really know who it is but want to hear it from you" text.
This is actually not true at all. At least, the OP never said any of it. She said she eventually figured out who the guy was and wished her niece wouldn't post racy pics on FB. She never told her niece not to post anything.
That's why threads like this are annoying. By page 5 people just start making shit up.
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
This is actually not true at all. At least, the OP never said any of it. She said she eventually figured out who the guy was and wished her niece wouldn't post racy pics on FB. She never told her niece not to post anything.
That's why threads like this are annoying. By page 5 people just start making shit up.
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
What? How do you even know what her intent was? You're really reaching here.
This is actually not true at all. At least, the OP never said any of it. She said she eventually figured out who the guy was and wished her niece wouldn't post racy pics on FB. She never told her niece not to post anything.
That's why threads like this are annoying. By page 5 people just start making shit up.
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
Excuse me but you are being ridiculous and BLATANTLY MAKING SHIT UP!
Read this AGAIN:
"Now that's a bold face lie and some made up BS...WOAH mrsbpo you really need to step off the internet for a bit because now your just making stuff up.
I NEVER knew who the old guy was. I sent her a text months ago simply asking who the guy was in her instagram pics. Nothing else just "who's that guy with you at the TapRoom?" I was friends with my niece on instagram and facebook and I always send her texts or call about what she's been up to like "how was your trip to Italy..looked like an awesome time" That is common for our relationship.
I NEVER utter the words to my niece to "NOT post on Facebook bc she's showing T&A." That's my own opinion and my own disapproval but I would NEVER have told her that nor inferred it to her! That's shitty.
I was not hacking her account or spying. She re-activated this morning and my feed was full of party pics of her and the older guy.
I looked at his facebook page for the first time THIS MORNING when she became active again and he was tagged in all her activity. I recognized his son's name/face and knew who it was because i know of her friends.
Holy crap. If I want to ask my niece about something on her facebook/instagram I will because she has shared it with her friends. And she does the same with me! There's nothing to hide. IF she wants to limit her exposure she can lock it down. "
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
What? How do you even know what her intent was? You're really reaching here.
This is actually not true at all. At least, the OP never said any of it. She said she eventually figured out who the guy was and wished her niece wouldn't post racy pics on FB. She never told her niece not to post anything.
That's why threads like this are annoying. By page 5 people just start making shit up.
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
lol lol lol, do you have too many threads open and responding to the wrong one? You have shit waaaay mixed up now and it's funny.
Mea culpa. But she did post that she knew the guy was the father of a classmate, etc. She'd talked to sister who knew who older guy was. No need to text niece with an "innocent" text that clearly wasn't meant to be innocent; she knew exactly who the guy was (niece's older boyfriend). I'll have to go back to re-read where I got the "don't post on FB" because I do recall something along those lines, whether it was OP or someone inferring. And it's poorly worded. I didn't mean that she HAD told niece, but that she wanted to. I know there's a big difference there. Intent was there, the wording was not.
Excuse me but you are being ridiculous and BLATANTLY MAKING SHIT UP!
No, that was why I said Mea Culpa. Mea Culpa. MY MISTAKE. Not a reading fail. Flat out My Mistake. *I* worded my post poorly. me me me.
(ETA: And I didn't see the prior post about when you texted her (months ago) in the 900 posts or whatever, believe it or not. So again, mea culpa. My mistake. Not reading comprehension fail, but skipped-a-post fail.)
What? How do you even know what her intent was? You're really reaching here.
Sorry. MY intent, not hers. That's how I know.
mrsbop you will soon be a billionaire because you have a special gift to read minds thought the internets!!
I can have my opinion on what's appropriate to share on facebook and what isn't but I would NEVER ridicule or hurt my niece by telling her that or be offensive. Quit putting BS words into my text!
Post by lightyears on Dec 11, 2013 18:38:53 GMT -5
my entire brain exploded when i got to the part where she's her mom's POA and that's why her niece can't go posting on her life on her own fb page or dating this guy or making any of her own decisions.
Thanks nicbreeful. Totally TIC but I appreciate it. There was actually a post or a story or debate or something a couple days ago on whether it was a hard or soft G. It made me giggle so I figured I'd add it to the festivities.
And as always, you are my gif idol. WTF is with the vacuum-face? Poor kid. Seems like something my sister would do...to me.