I am not burning up the phone lines *gossiping* as others have assumed. My phone is ringing from family calling to ask whats up and that annoys me. I wish they would call her mom (and probably are calling her.)
Dictionary.com:
gos·sip [gos-uhp] Show IPA noun, verb, gos·siped or gos·sipped, gos·sip·ing or gos·sip·ping.
noun 1. idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others
I think you definitely are gossiping. It's a private personal matter that doesn't involve you.
Dovey- Thanks for run down of info but I said my phone is ringing... I have received texts/voicemails from family&friends about my niece. I haven't talked to anyone other then you..a message board! lol
I will add that I would be worried as heck if it was my daughter or my niece making those decisions. But in the end, she's an adult making those decisions. You can only stand back and watch her crash and burn and be there to help her out of the ashes. If she's not talking to your mom, your mom needs to let her know that she's upset she's not calling back. She's sad that she doesn't know what's going on in her granddaughter's life. But why the fuck is the rest of the family calling YOU? You're not the parent, you're only tangentially involved. And again (and again and again) all you have to say is "I have no idea. You'll have to call niece."
And niece SHOULD be calling grandma, if only to alleviate her concerns. But GRANDMA needs to make that call, and if the rest of the family starts calling niece and leaving CALL GRANDMA messages rather than "OMG, you're dating an old man! Call me back and tell me wtf is going on!" messages, MAYBE SHE'LL CALL GRANDMA and the silliness can stop already.
(but ftr, she's 21, living like a normal 21-year-old who's tasting freedom, making stupid decisions that will hopefully impart lessons learned, etc. The ENTIRE FAMILY needs to back the eff off...except as it concerns her calling Grandma to say "hi, love you, still alive, here's what's going on in my life because you're grandma and you're concerned and I love you and it's not really your business because I'm a grownup but I love you so I'm making it your business.")
:? Well here is the good news...it is very possible that they may break up due to age differences. My 27 year old sister dated a 45 year old for a few years who was divorced twice, has a drug addict kid in FL to whom he sends money but never sees, but never talks to the ex-wife, and now has has 2 young kids with his latest ex-wife in which they share custody. My sister lived him on and off and tried to control him and what he did with his own kids. She loved the "family" status but hated his kids....a few months ago, she found out he was possibly messing around with an old gf and she broke up with him and I was there for her...even though I thought he was a total looser. they still have to work together but get along better.
Do you know anything about this guy?
The only thing you can do is accept it, pray they break up, and be there for her when they do
No you aren't. I would be sad too. I might even say something.... or post on a message board to get advice before I did. This is one of those threads where I am just.... puzzled by the level of mean going on. : (
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
errr..stop the train. I NEVER said it was my business. I have vented the details of my situation because it's very concerning to me.
Other posters jumped on me saying I'm a crappy nosey aunt and the age difference isn't bad. So I was trying to provide more details of the situation so you would understand what the impact of her dating this guy has been
Do I think your niece is making dumb choices? of course. But that is the wonderful thing about being 21: you get to make all sorts of mistakes and grow up and usually have little consequences because you still have your entire life ahead of you.
I will add that I would be worried as heck if it was my daughter or my niece making those decisions. But in the end, she's an adult making those decisions. You can only stand back and watch her crash and burn and be there to help her out of the ashes. If she's not talking to your mom, your mom needs to let her know that she's upset she's not calling back. She's sad that she doesn't know what's going on in her granddaughter's life. But why the fuck is the rest of the family calling YOU? You're not the parent, you're only tangentially involved. And again (and again and again) all you have to say is "I have no idea. You'll have to call niece."
And niece SHOULD be calling grandma, if only to alleviate her concerns. But GRANDMA needs to make that call, and if the rest of the family starts calling niece and leaving CALL GRANDMA messages rather than "OMG, you're dating an old man! Call me back and tell me wtf is going on!" messages, MAYBE SHE'LL CALL GRANDMA and the silliness can stop already.
(but ftr, she's 21, living like a normal 21-year-old who's tasting freedom, making stupid decisions that will hopefully impart lessons learned, etc. The ENTIRE FAMILY needs to back the eff off...except as it concerns her calling Grandma to say "hi, love you, still alive, here's what's going on in my life because you're grandma and you're concerned and I love you and it's not really your business because I'm a grownup but I love you so I'm making it your business.")
SHe's not calling anyone back...even GRANDMA!
What should I do next? send smoke signals? Grandma called and texted her too with no reply for the past MONTH...shit is ridiculous right now.
I will add that I would be worried as heck if it was my daughter or my niece making those decisions. But in the end, she's an adult making those decisions. You can only stand back and watch her crash and burn and be there to help her out of the ashes. If she's not talking to your mom, your mom needs to let her know that she's upset she's not calling back. She's sad that she doesn't know what's going on in her granddaughter's life. But why the fuck is the rest of the family calling YOU? You're not the parent, you're only tangentially involved. And again (and again and again) all you have to say is "I have no idea. You'll have to call niece."
And niece SHOULD be calling grandma, if only to alleviate her concerns. But GRANDMA needs to make that call, and if the rest of the family starts calling niece and leaving CALL GRANDMA messages rather than "OMG, you're dating an old man! Call me back and tell me wtf is going on!" messages, MAYBE SHE'LL CALL GRANDMA and the silliness can stop already.
(but ftr, she's 21, living like a normal 21-year-old who's tasting freedom, making stupid decisions that will hopefully impart lessons learned, etc. The ENTIRE FAMILY needs to back the eff off...except as it concerns her calling Grandma to say "hi, love you, still alive, here's what's going on in my life because you're grandma and you're concerned and I love you and it's not really your business because I'm a grownup but I love you so I'm making it your business.")
SHe's not calling anyone back...even GRANDMA!
What should I do next? send smoke signals? Grandma called and texted her too with no reply for the past MONTH...shit is ridiculous right now.
YOU aren't on the line to do anything. You're not her parent, you're not supporting her financially. I do' tknow why you're insisting on inserting yourself in a situation that has precious little to do with you.
All I have to add is that I lost my everloving mind between 17 and 19 and did some really dumb ass shit--none of it any more harmful than what your niece is doing. My dad's family didn't say one damn thing to me about it, other than, "love ya!" and "let us know if you need us!" My mother's sisters were judgemental assholes that gossiped about me.
Guess who I still don't speak to at 37?
No one is gossiping. We haven't heard from her. Big difference. She can live her life but we need to resolve the financial stuff. Separate issues and it's upsetting more to my mom. I've explained my feelings.
You can't deny that my mom isnt going to be upset. This isn't instant.
you know, i'd be really worried too if someone i really cared about was in this situation. the isolation, the dropping out of school, racking up the credit card bills, not returning phone calls/texts. but the only thing you have control of here is the financial support. you've already made numerous attempts to contact her and get everything cleared up, and the ball is in her court now to respond. i'd simply put a stop to the gravy train and let her figure her shit out herself.
she's going to come back when they either break up or she needs money. it's inevitable. and at that time, just be there for her - not necessarily financially, but for support. she's gonna need it.
What should I do next? send smoke signals? Grandma called and texted her too with no reply for the past MONTH...shit is ridiculous right now.
YOU aren't on the line to do anything. You're not her parent, you're not supporting her financially. I do' tknow why you're insisting on inserting yourself in a situation that has precious little to do with you.
I have to sort the financial stuff for my mother. My mom doesn't manage any of it. SO therefor I hear my mother's concerns and emotions on the situation.
What should I do next? send smoke signals? Grandma called and texted her too with no reply for the past MONTH...shit is ridiculous right now.
I still have no effing idea why the pile-on from "concerned family" about a 21 year old living the life of a 21 year old, whose own mother isn't concerned because, guess what, she's 21!!!Years!!!Old!!! THAT - the "entire family" calling her, texting her, calling you, calling grandma - is PRECISELY why she's not calling back. She doesn't want her ass handed to her for making decisions and living her life, because with the number of people calling and texting "what the eff are you doing?" you KNOW she knows that you don't agree with her decisions and she doesn't want to deal with the judgment and disapproval she's sure she's going to get. (Even if that's not what you're saying, that's what she's getting from the influx of messages from all you concerned family members.)
Back off already and let her make her own choices. There is NO reason the entire family should be concerned just because she's dating a guy that likes arm candy and she's the current arm candy. She knows what's up so the rest of the family just needs to put their heads back in the sand and let her live her life. She's an adult living HER life, not yours.
If you have to leave a message, text her "Grandma hasn't heard from you and has been asking about you. She's worried that you're not calling back. Please call her. Love you." That WHOLE message, not text-speak, not shorthand. And cease and desist with the "call me" texts and messages - from you and everybody else, that are telling her you don't approve (whether said or implied.)
And for the financials - cut her off. She'll call soon enough when she doesn't get a check or the bankcard is declined.
Backstory: My 21 year old niece (whom I have been very close to since she was born) decided to shutdown facebook&instagram a couple months ago. Before she did that, I saw several pics of her with an older man at the bar, club, etc. I called to asked her who that was and I never got a response. She cut off communication with me via phone, text and social media and we haven't seen each other. I called and asked my sister if niece was ok...
Sister was super defensive and would not answer any of my questions. Just deferred me to talk to niece and if she wanted me to know anything niece would be the one to tell me. Sis said they were in a good place, that she knew about the older guy. okkkay...so I said I was concerned but not going to pry if they don''t want to share.
Fast forward to today, my phone starts ringing. I'm getting calls from family members & friends asking what is going on with niece. She activated her facebook again and is proudly displaying all her pics with her 48 yr old boyfriend!!
I tell family I have no idea because I haven't talked to her in several months. My sister has been MIA with her new husband so everyone is judging the hell out of the situation.
Our family has been through some major life changes recently so I can understand she's not on the right path. I realize I can't control anyone but how am I supposed to deal with this? How should I try to help her? She is making some huge mistakes and this is the biggest one yet.
Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot.
errr..stop the train. I NEVER said it was my business. I have vented the details of my situation because it's very concerning to me.
Other posters jumped on me saying I'm a crappy nosey aunt and the age difference isn't bad. So I was trying to provide more details of the situation so you would understand what the impact of her dating this guy has been
I do not try to control anyone.
You may not try to control anyone, but you're sure trying your hardest to 'gently lead'.
Asking "how I can help her" is a shit ton different then saying "I'm cutting her out if she dates him".
A supportive Christmas card is thoughtful I would think. We haven't talked since early fall so I'm supposed to pretend to be happy to give her a gift as though nothing has gone on? I'm worried as hell for her.
I would say to her, "Listen cousin, I'm not going to judge who you are with or who makes you happy. However, I am very concerned about your change in behavior, and I want happiness for you. I want someone who treats you well. I am here to support you no matter what. I love you".
And then give her a hug. Sure, she's probably making a mistake, but YOU are not going to change her mind.
I'm not even sure this is the right thing to say. It sounds like you don't know the guy, haven't talked to niece or sister about the guy, so instead of going in, guns a'blazing that the guy is trouble, how about opening up the conversation with "I've missed talking to you. Tell me what's going on in your life." No judgements. Sure, you can BE concerned about the changes in her behavior, but "I'm concerned about the changes in your behavior" is just about the quickest way to shut down a conversation.
I do agree with the hug. (And that she might be making a mistake, and that you won't change her mind.)
What should I do next? send smoke signals? Grandma called and texted her too with no reply for the past MONTH...shit is ridiculous right now.
I still have no effing idea why the pile-on from "concerned family" about a 21 year old living the life of a 21 year old, whose own mother isn't concerned because, guess what, she's 21!!!Years!!!Old!!! THAT - the "entire family" calling her, texting her, calling you, calling grandma - is PRECISELY why she's not calling back. She doesn't want her ass handed to her for making decisions and living her life, because with the number of people calling and texting "what the eff are you doing?" you KNOW she knows that you don't agree with her decisions and she doesn't want to deal with the judgment and disapproval she's sure she's going to get. (Even if that's not what you're saying, that's what she's getting from the influx of messages from all you concerned family members.)
Back off already and let her make her own choices. There is NO reason the entire family should be concerned just because she's dating a guy that likes arm candy and she's the current arm candy. She knows what's up so the rest of the family just needs to put their heads back in the sand and let her live her life. She's an adult living HER life, not yours.
If you have to leave a message, text her "Grandma hasn't heard from you and has been asking about you. She's worried that you're not calling back. Please call her. Love you." That WHOLE message, not text-speak, not shorthand. And cease and desist with the "call me" texts and messages - from you and everybody else, that are telling her you don't approve (whether said or implied.)
And for the financials - cut her off. She'll call soon enough when she doesn't get a check or the bankcard is declined.
SO this statement would've been sufficient but posters went all crazy..your controlling her, personal attacks on my screen name ...blah blah. Damn what a waste of an afternoon. I really just wanted to vent. I'm cool with the above advice. I can see logic in that.
My mom has to make the decision to cut her off and waffles. Its yes then no and she's upset over it. Its her grandaughter.
The texts and messages to niece are specific. She just doen't give a shit right now and I'm worried and irritated all at the same freaking time. ANd I wish her mother would handle this but she has tons of issues personal issues that prevent that.
No one is gossiping. We haven't heard from her. Big difference. She can live her life but we need to resolve the financial stuff. Separate issues and it's upsetting more to my mom. I've explained my feelings.
You can't deny that my mom isnt going to be upset. This isn't instant.
I've just skimmed the 8 pages of this thread, so I may be repeating stuff that's already been said, but a couple of things stand out to me from all this:
1) there seem to be some unclear boundaries in your family. Everyone's over-invested in one person's personal life, with a lot of anxiety and angst about it all. No wonder niece isn't communicating much about this!
2) you think you're not gossiping, but you're busy posting about it online and frantically discussing it with the relatives. It may not be talking just to spread stuff about someone, but it isn't your news and therefore it's best left alone.
And 3) MYOB. Seriously. She's an adult and she's made it really clear that she doesn't want her extended family up her business.
You may not try to control anyone, but you're sure trying your hardest to 'gently lead'.
Asking "how I can help her" is a shit ton different then saying "I'm cutting her out if she dates him".
A supportive Christmas card is thoughtful I would think. We haven't talked since early fall so I'm supposed to pretend to be happy to give her a gift as though nothing has gone on? I'm worried as hell for her.
But you're not asking "How can I help her?" Helping her is being there when she falls, not telling her "You're making some huge mistakes and dating this older guy is a big, big mistake (said in my best Julia Roberts Pretty Woman voice.) Huge mistake." She already knows what you think. Why do you think she disconnected her FB and isn't calling you back? Because she already knows you don't approve!You don't want to help her, you want to tell her what you think about her dating a creeper. That's not help, that's judgment. NOT HELP! Judgment is not help!
A supportive Christmas card is just further judgment. A Christmas Card doesn't need to be supportive, it needs to be a freaking Christmas card! A gift is a gift is a gift. If you want to send her a gift because you always do and she's your favorite niece, send her a gift already. If you don't because she's an adult and you don't send adults Christmas gifts because your list would be too long, then DON'T send her a gift already. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND HER A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES, DON'T SEND HER A GIFT BUT OWN THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT SENDING A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES! Not for any reason other than you don't agree with her choices.
My mom has to make the decision to cut her off and waffles. Its yes then no and she's upset over it. Its her grandaughter.
I just have to add: I read this and immediately thought "she's cutting off waffles too?" Took me a second to get past the noun to the verb in my brain.
not a single person here said "hell, i'd throw her a PAR-TAY!! 27 year age differences ARE AWESOME."
they just said it wasn't any of her business. and OP continues to insist that it IS her business.
errr..stop the train. I NEVER said it was my business. I have vented the details of my situation because it's very concerning to me.
Other posters jumped on me saying I'm a crappy nosey aunt and the age difference isn't bad. So I was trying to provide more details of the situation so you would understand what the impact of her dating this guy has been
I do not try to control anyone.
the words "this is my business" may not have crossed your lips, but everything about how you're approaching the situation implies that you DO think it's your business. from the "what do i saayyyyyy to familyyyyyy?!?!?" to the "what do i doooooo about CHRISTMASSSSS!" to the "whyyyyyy doesn't she take my adviceeeeeeee, i'm cutting her off from my wisdom if she won't listen to meeeee!"
her decision-making skills clearly suck. but, damn. their HER problems.
Asking "how I can help her" is a shit ton different then saying "I'm cutting her out if she dates him".
A supportive Christmas card is thoughtful I would think. We haven't talked since early fall so I'm supposed to pretend to be happy to give her a gift as though nothing has gone on? I'm worried as hell for her.
You said you were just going to get her a card and no gift if she continues to date him. So...
Unless she's dating an axe murderer, I don't get why you're worried as hell for her. She's young. She'll make stupid decisions every now and then. I get being a little skeeved about it, but worried as hell? Come on.
And again, why can't you just tell your family members "It's not my business, I don't know."?
From my OP: "Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot."
I said nothing of not giving her a gift if she dates this guy. She hasn't been in touch with anyone in the family. I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell her I'm concerned and gloss it over with "here's a pretty present will make all better attitude."
Problems are: 1. She's not returning any calls, 2. posting pics of herself showing T&A with this guy, 3. presumably not in school and 4. spending gma's money without her approval.
Asking "how I can help her" is a shit ton different then saying "I'm cutting her out if she dates him".
A supportive Christmas card is thoughtful I would think. We haven't talked since early fall so I'm supposed to pretend to be happy to give her a gift as though nothing has gone on? I'm worried as hell for her.
But you're not asking "How can I help her?" Helping her is being there when she falls, not telling her "You're making some huge mistakes and dating this older guy is a big, big mistake (said in my best Julia Roberts Pretty Woman voice.) Huge mistake." She already knows what you think. Why do you think she disconnected her FB and isn't calling you back? Because she already knows you don't approve!You don't want to help her, you want to tell her what you think about her dating a creeper. That's not help, that's judgment. NOT HELP! Judgment is not help!
A supportive Christmas card is just further judgment. A Christmas Card doesn't need to be supportive, it needs to be a freaking Christmas card! A gift is a gift is a gift. If you want to send her a gift because you always do and she's your favorite niece, send her a gift already. If you don't because she's an adult and you don't send adults Christmas gifts because your list would be too long, then DON'T send her a gift already. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND HER A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES, DON'T SEND HER A GIFT BUT OWN THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT SENDING A GIFT BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HER CHOICES! Not for any reason other than you don't agree with her choices.
I want to be clear...I never "advised" my niece on what she should do or mentioned my disapproval. I simply asked her in a text who that guy was in her pic. I was not negative.
Perhaps she is worried about what others think but i never judged or insulted her so her behavior is out of ordinary. I think she knows what others will think and shut it all down.
If you really just want to vent then shout it into a pillow or something.
This is a message board and you asked for advice. You can't control how a bunch of strangers respond to you. Much like you can't control your adult niece's behavior.
ok, THe rule on GBCN is no venting, shout into pillow instead..gotcha!
You said you were just going to get her a card and no gift if she continues to date him. So...
Unless she's dating an axe murderer, I don't get why you're worried as hell for her. She's young. She'll make stupid decisions every now and then. I get being a little skeeved about it, but worried as hell? Come on.
And again, why can't you just tell your family members "It's not my business, I don't know."?
From my OP: "Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot."
I said nothing of not giving her a gift if she dates this guy. She hasn't been in touch with anyone in the family. I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell her I'm concerned and gloss it over with "here's a pretty present will make all better attitude."
Problems are: 1. She's not returning any calls, 2. posting pics of herself showing T&A with this guy, 3. presumably not in school and 4. spending gma's money without her approval.
When I read in the title that there were problems so bad you couldn't breathe, I assumed something like "my niece has just been charged with vehicular homicide." Not "my niece is dating a guy with gray pubes." So it was a let down.
Cut the money ASAP, and the rest will blow over before you know it. Remember how Jim and Cindy made a big deal every time Brenda went back to Dylan?! It all worked out, Brenda went to college and never came back.
You said you were just going to get her a card and no gift if she continues to date him. So...
Unless she's dating an axe murderer, I don't get why you're worried as hell for her. She's young. She'll make stupid decisions every now and then. I get being a little skeeved about it, but worried as hell? Come on.
And again, why can't you just tell your family members "It's not my business, I don't know."?
From my OP: "Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot."
I said nothing of not giving her a gift if she dates this guy. She hasn't been in touch with anyone in the family. I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell her I'm concerned and gloss it over with "here's a pretty present will make all better attitude."
Problems are: 1. She's not returning any calls, 2. posting pics of herself showing T&A with this guy, 3. presumably not in school and 4. spending gma's money without her approval.
You smile and act normal BECAUSE HER DATING AN OLDER GUY IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!
Problems:
1. Okay, she's not returning calls. Tell her when you see her that you'd like to hear from her more and she should return her calls. halaloltistheseason. But she's a grownup and not REQUIRED to return calls.
2. Her business not yours. You sit in judgment.
3. Presumably. You sit in judgment without the facts.
4. She's spending HER money that grandma happens to gift to her. How she spends it is her business. If Gma wants to cut her off, that's up to HER. For whatever reason - like...not returning calls, dressing like a hoochiemama and posting it on Facebook, not going to school. Whatever. But it's HER decision. If it's because of YOUR JUDGMENT of HER LIFESTYLE and things YOU are adding to your mother's concern already, then shame on you for judging a 21 year old and I don't blame her for Problem #1.
You've come across as pretty judgmental all throughout this thread and I'm pretty sure that's coming across to your mother as well. So now your mom is concerned and likely judgmental of niece as wel. And if she's as "fragile" that she needs someone to take care of her finances, and that someone is making decisions for her, that person better really think about why Grandma is cutting off niece because it's pretty certain that her "advisory" input and advice has been received and acknowledged.
From my OP: "Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot."
I said nothing of not giving her a gift if she dates this guy. She hasn't been in touch with anyone in the family. I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell her I'm concerned and gloss it over with "here's a pretty present will make all better attitude."
Problems are: 1. She's not returning any calls, 2. posting pics of herself showing T&A with this guy, 3. presumably not in school and 4. spending gma's money without her approval.
When I read in the title that there were problems so bad you couldn't breathe, I assumed something like "my niece has just been charged with vehicular homicide." Not "my niece is dating a guy with gray pubes." So it was a let down.
Cut the money ASAP, and the rest will blow over before you know it. Remember how Jim and Cindy made a big deal every time Brenda went back to Dylan?! It all worked out, Brenda went to college and never came back.
Ok I just LOl'd very true and funny. I'm easily of out of breath these days because I'm pretty pregnant so it doesn't take much.