I Want My Quilt Back

[aprilsails]

I think this is all impossible, but what says ML?

7 years ago two of mine and DH’s good friends from high school got married and we were in the wedding party. We gave them a large, time consuming, and expensive ($500 in supplies) quilt that I had made, as well as cash gifts. It took me more than 8 months to complete. It’s large enough for a double bed. Here’s a picture:



Our friends moved away just before the wedding and were living in a small apartment. They left most of their wedding gifts in her Mom’s basement. Last year, they bought their very large forever house and I expected that they had moved the gifts. Thought nothing more of it.

This summer they announce their separation and divorce. I talk to the husband more often than the wife, generally, and I asked him if she had the quilt. He had no idea what I was talking about and confirmed that it was still in the Mom’s basement.

I don’t care too much about my friendship with her anymore. She lives on the other side of the country and doesn’t communicate with me very often. Like I said, DH and I are closer with the guy, but I will see her occasionally at other girlfriends’ from high school events, and we usually do a girlfriend group gift exchange at Christmas.

She will be in town next weekend and we were planning a girlfriends dinner. Should I ask her if I could have the quilt back for DD’s big girl bed (it would be amazing if I could since I have no means of making another equivalent quilt ever until I’m retired probably). Should I ask her in advance so she can retrieve it from her Mom’s place? Should I ask when we are together? I could coordinate with her Mom to pick it up another time. Should I say nothing and confine the most beautiful thing I have ever made to a box in a basement forever? Ugh.

[vanillacourage]

No, you cannot ask for them to return a wedding present from 7 years ago. I understand the temptation but it’s the risk you ran giving them the quilt instead of a toaster or whatever. Sorry.

[wambam]

What? No, it was a gift.

[WOUNDTIGHT]

No. Imagine if every guest asked for their stuff back?

"Hey, remember that blender I gave you in 2011? Now that your marriage is in the shitter, I want it back. You don't use it anyway!"

I mean, sounds crazy, right?

[aliciabella]

OMG, seriously? Lol.

[OG Jo]

Similar awkward quilt situation! My employee made a quilt for me for Christmas. She later was put under a PIP and subsequently resigned. I don't even want to look at this thing after all she has put us through with her unprofessionalism. Do I mail it back? Sell it? Donate it? Do you want it to replace this way more beautiful one you made?!?!?

[gilmoregirl]

Nope, not ok. You cannot ask for it back.

[woodgnome]

This is weird

[nextbigthing]

Nope. Sorry

I totally get it, but you can't

[woodgnome]

Aug 23, 2018 13:49:22 GMT -5 OG Jo said:

Similar awkward quilt situation! My employee made a quilt for me for Christmas. She later was put under a PIP and subsequently resigned. I don't even want to look at this thing after all she has put us through with her unprofessionalism. Do I mail it back? Sell it? Donate it? Do you want it to replace this way more beautiful one you made?!?!?

This is weird too

[mrssandro]

My initial thoughts are...are you kidding me? Like that seems so tacky (and crazy) to ask for a gift back.

But if I was close though to the friend I gave it to, and it has sentimental value to me, I may bring it up in conversation and see if the quilt is still important to her. My step mother loves to give me quilts. I have about 10 or so. Beautifully made. I don't use them at all. If she asked for one of them back I wouldn't blink a eye. I am always trying to get rid of stuff I don't use.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 23, 2018 13:49:22 GMT -5 OG Jo said:

Similar awkward quilt situation! My employee made a quilt for me for Christmas. She later was put under a PIP and subsequently resigned. I don't even want to look at this thing after all she has put us through with her unprofessionalism. Do I mail it back? Sell it? Donate it? Do you want it to replace this way more beautiful one you made?!?!?

Donate it. See if a hospital could use it in the dialysis or chemo center

[puppyluv]

It will be super awkward but if you know its in her moms basement and she doesnt care about, AND you really do care that much about it, I would find a way to ask for it back when you see her in person. I am not a quilt person so if someone gave us a handmade one, it would still be unused in my closet. If I knew it was someones favorite ones I would have no issues at all with giving it back to you.

Maybe you could phrase it about wanting to see it in person again because you are planning to make an exact copy for your daughter and she will just give it to you?

[brooke77]

Wait - are you serious? They are divorcing and you are concerned about a quilt? Do not ask for it back. Divorce is stressful enough.

[WOUNDTIGHT]

Like, if the couple had stayed married, but the quilt was kept out of your personal eyeline (be it a closet, cedar chest, or mom's basement) would you ask for it back?

Or are you using their divorce as an opportunity to seize possession of a gift that you gave them to celebrate their marriage?

This is . . . something.

[Alps79]

Aug 23, 2018 13:55:54 GMT -5 puppyluv said:

It will be super awkward but if you know its in her moms basement and she doesnt care about, AND you really do care that much about it, I would find a way to ask for it back when you see her in person. I am not a quilt person so if someone gave us a handmade one, it would still be unused in my closet. If I knew it was someones favorite ones I would have no issues at all with giving it back to you.

Maybe you could phrase it about wanting to see it in person again because you are planning to make an exact copy for your daughter and she will just give it to you?

This is not a bad idea. If you don't care about the friendship, it really doesn't hurt to ask. 

OP- please update us if yo go through with it! 

[rosiebear]

No. You can’t ask for the quilt you gave them 7 years ago just because their marriage dissolved. Eventually the mom will want their stuff moved out and it’ll go to someone at that point. It’s theirs to decide where it goes.

[shauni27]

I think it is terrible form to ask for it back.

HOWEVER, if I was the person who was gifted the quilt in this situation, I personally would have zero issue with you asking me for it and I would happily give it to you since it means something to you and I would rather it be used than sitting in a box unused, you know?

[tacokick]

Aug 23, 2018 13:49:22 GMT -5 OG Jo said:

Similar awkward quilt situation! My employee made a quilt for me for Christmas. She later was put under a PIP and subsequently resigned. I don't even want to look at this thing after all she has put us through with her unprofessionalism. Do I mail it back? Sell it? Donate it? Do you want it to replace this way more beautiful one you made?!?!?

I’d totally give it back. I bet she’d be happy to get to it.

[clippy]

That quilt is really pretty!
I don't think there is any way for you to ask for it back without sounding callous.
I think this is just a lesson for the future. Handmade items are not cheap and they can take an incredible amount of time to make. I crochet and some people just aren't "worthy" of me crocheting something for them.

[jeaniebueller]

I don't think you should be flamed for having this thought cross your mind but I don't really think there is a good way or good reason to ask. I assume you still make quilts? Its no different than if you had purchased them a $500 wedding gift instead of making a quilt. Maybe the best you can do is to mention to her that if she ever wants to part with it, that you would be interested in buying/getting it back.

[Mrs.flang]

I totally get the sentiment of the OPs thinking you are crazy for thinking you can pull this off.  BUT, I still think you could craft a way to feel her out about how she feels and ask her for it.  If I were the friend I don't think I would be offended by this.

PS it's really a beautiful quilt.

[aprilsails]

I understand the responses. I know very well that this is not something that I should do. If she had ever moved it to where she lives or used it I would not be even thinking of asking this question. Considering it has been in a box in a basement for 7 years, I’m guessing she doesn’t value it very much.

[jinkies]

That is a gorgeous quilt. I totally understand the impulse to ask for it, given the money and time that you sunk into it, and the fact that you know for a fact that it has been sitting in storage for the past 7 years.

BUT. Don't do it. There is really no tactful way to ask for it.

Also, if they have had to divide up all their stuff, she may be going back through everything in storage to replenish household items that went to him. So even though it's been stored since the wedding, she may need it now.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

[Deleted]

[tacokick]

Aug 23, 2018 13:55:54 GMT -5 puppyluv said:

It will be super awkward but if you know its in her moms basement and she doesnt care about, AND you really do care that much about it, I would find a way to ask for it back when you see her in person. I am not a quilt person so if someone gave us a handmade one, it would still be unused in my closet. If I knew it was someones favorite ones I would have no issues at all with giving it back to you.

Maybe you could phrase it about wanting to see it in person again because you are planning to make an exact copy for your daughter and she will just give it to you?

Okay, there is totally no way to ask for it back without it being a total etiquette nightmare and you looking like a freak.

However, as a crafter, I know how you feel. That’s so much work! It is a beautiful quilt.

The above is the only way I can see you doing it unless you get the husband to say he wants it for whatever reason, she returns it to him and he gives it to you. I mean, they have to divide the gifts up sometime. She might be glad to be rid of it.

If you truly don’t have any interest in her, it might be worth it to ask, all she can do is say no. If you have mutual friends you will probably be talked about but if you can handle that, why not?

[pisces]

This is like, really nuts.

[wildrice]

Aug 23, 2018 14:02:27 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

I think it is terrible form to ask for it back.

HOWEVER, if I was the person who was gifted the quilt in this situation, I personally would have zero issue with you asking me for it and I would happily give it to you since it means something to you and I would rather it be used than sitting in a box unused, you know?

I am here. I think its crappy to ask, but if I was asked I'd probably not bat an eye. So maybe it's ok?

Can you work it into conversation somehow - do you still use that quilt I gave you? Of course she may say "oh sure!" even if she doesn't, I guess. But if she says "oh, it's lovely but it's in a box at my mom's house and IDK when I'll use it again" maybe you can mention you were thinking of making another for your daughter and see if she takes the hint?

I don't know. This is so awkward. Realistically I think I wouldn't bring it up.  

[Deleted]

Aug 23, 2018 14:06:05 GMT -5 aprilsails said:

I understand the responses. I know very well that this is not something that I should do. If she had ever moved it to where she lives or used it I would not be even thinking of asking this question. Considering it has been in a box in a basement for 7 years, I’m guessing she doesn’t value it very much.

Be prepared for it to be in not perfect or possibly much worse condition.