Obviously I was not part of the conversation, but I’ve had enough experiences to say you can’t always judge someone’s motivations without having all the information. Maybe there was silence bc they were trying to figure out if someone could pull the cruise together and decided they couldn’t and then asked about a dinner, you just don’t know. I also didn’t say I thought you should go to dinner with them, obviously if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t. I only said that expecting someone else to plans major trip when main planner dropped out is a big ask, IMO.
this was not the expectation.
Leeham Rimes -- FWIW I think your response was perfect. just enough to let them know you're (RIGHTFULLY) pissed while keeping it classy
to again clarify: I didn't ask anyone to do anything. The one who cancelled volunteered when I mentioned my bday last year. if the others had expressed the desire to still go, i would have most likely made it happen.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
For nobody to address the cancellation at all, no: "oh my gosh, sorry to hear that it's cancelled. I was looking forward to it" just "hey it's cancelled" "lets have dinner". they were all in on something and I'm the last fool to know
I'm not buying the innocent bystander stuff, If I had truly planned the $ for a cruise (which again, they invited themselves on it when it was mentioned to them. they weren't invited. they asked to go), I'd offer something like "lets go on the cruise anyway" or "lets get a hotel for the weekend" or something not "lets do dinner". not buying it.
i mean, if you want these people to be your friends, by all means you can go to dinner with them.
I think I am just super petty, but I would so have wanted to call their bluff and respond that since we were all still planning on going on a cruise as of just yesterday, we should all totally still go without Head of the Party Planning Committee and meet at my house tomorrow night to plan and book the trip together.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. They all suck. Everyone sucks. Please just go do something nice for yourself - that you want to do.
Anecdote alert: So my 40th, I had dinner plans with a flakey friend whom I had also planned an upcoming vacation with (to her family's vacation home). I figured she'd flake on dinner, but she was all "yay! so excited!" until...5 minutes before I was going to leave for the restaurant - she canceled. Shocking. I was so angry - and so sick of her crap. This was my 40th. I called her out. She half apologized, but not really. And then, we stopped talking. Still had the trip planned. It was going to cost too much to cancel the flight, so I decided to just go and stay at a yoga retreat instead. Also, I was pissed and disappointed and wanted to do something on my own. So I show up for the flight - she was there - I waved. She did not wave back. And I went to the retreat and had a good time and met a lot of other solo travelers. So it all worked out.
We are, however, no longer friends. And what she did was...minimal in comparison. I just couldn't deal with her drama anymore and that day she just pushed me too far - so I told her that, and I never heard from her again. So anyway, I guess, I would evaluate whether you really want this person/these people as your friends. If you do cut them out, I guess make sure that's ok with that cause you might not hear from them ever again.
Whatever you do, I highly recommend just doing something you want to do. 40 for me was an awesome year - I did a handful of solo trips that year and just...did what I wanted to do for once. It was great. Good luck and happy birthday in advance.
moreace01- OMG how awkward. I can't believe she didn't even come over to talk to you and see if you had lodging.
I have some new people I have met who are parents of kids the same age as my kids, and my new bar is 2 times flaky and you are out. Constant flaky is not going to work for me. This includes not answering messages or texts also especially after they specifically requested that I text them to set up a playdate. Sorry not going to do all the work for you and then have you ignore me.
For nobody to address the cancellation at all, no: "oh my gosh, sorry to hear that it's cancelled. I was looking forward to it" just "hey it's cancelled" "lets have dinner". they were all in on something and I'm the last fool to know
I'm not buying the innocent bystander stuff, If I had truly planned the $ for a cruise (which again, they invited themselves on it when it was mentioned to them. they weren't invited. they asked to go), I'd offer something like "lets go on the cruise anyway" or "lets get a hotel for the weekend" or something not "lets do dinner". not buying it.
i mean, if you want these people to be your friends, by all means you can go to dinner with them.
I think I am just super petty, but I would so have wanted to call their bluff and respond that since we were all still planning on going on a cruise as of just yesterday, we should all totally still go without Head of the Party Planning Committee and meet at my house tomorrow night to plan and book the trip together.
So I'm kind of here, as LH said if they were serious about going on said cruise someone should/would have said "hey I've already saved money, or dogeared the time off etc., can the rest of us still go, or move the date, or go somewhere else?" To me the response from the others shows that they had no interest in going on the cruise that they invited themselves on, or changed their mind, but either way they weren't as serious as LH. Maybe my situation is different where I have to lock in dates a year in advance for DH's job, but if I really want to go on something I know and start to plan for time off of work and how much to save. My BIL who isn't terribly responsible knows a year in advance where and when he's going on a cruise. He goes with other busy families, who save up (this is their one big purchase). They invite us too late, which is fine, as I said I have no interest in working around other people's schedules, but make sure we know we could go. I say this as a if he can manage to keep on track, anyone can.
Trust me I get that things come up that screw up your plans, that happened to me in 2018 in a big way. I'm just as busy without kids, but then I don't plan group trips because I know I can't commit to a specific date and location that others are depending on. I don't really give a lot of credit to let's just go to dinner as a petty make up gift. As other's have said they don't really want to do dinner, so it's another night LH has to rearrange her schedule to deal with people who don't want to be there. Save the babysitter and money as I'm sure these people won't cover her meal for something more fun.
And for the record, I don't expect the remaining group members to take over the planning, esp if they're not good at planning, but again if they were serious they'd be more concerned about cancelling the trip. This was a bigger committment to blow off than let's meet for drinks after work.
I think I am just super petty, but I would so have wanted to call their bluff and respond that since we were all still planning on going on a cruise as of just yesterday, we should all totally still go without Head of the Party Planning Committee and meet at my house tomorrow night to plan and book the trip together.
So I'm kind of here, as LH said if they were serious about going on said cruise someone should/would have said "hey I've already saved money, or dogeared the time off etc., can the rest of us still go, or move the date, or go somewhere else?" To me the response from the others shows that they had no interest in going on the cruise that they invited themselves on, or changed their mind, but either way they weren't as serious as LH. Maybe my situation is different where I have to lock in dates a year in advance for DH's job, but if I really want to go on something I know and start to plan for time off of work and how much to save. My BIL who isn't terribly responsible knows a year in advance where and when he's going on a cruise. He goes with other busy families, who save up (this is their one big purchase). They invite us too late, which is fine, as I said I have no interest in working around other people's schedules, but make sure we know we could go. I say this as a if he can manage to keep on track, anyone can.
Trust me I get that things come up that screw up your plans, that happened to me in 2018 in a big way. I'm just as busy without kids, but then I don't plan group trips because I know I can't commit to a specific date and location that others are depending on. I don't really give a lot of credit to let's just go to dinner as a petty make up gift. As other's have said they don't really want to do dinner, so it's another night LH has to rearrange her schedule to deal with people who don't want to be there. Save the babysitter and money as I'm sure these people won't cover her meal for something more fun.
And for the record, I don't expect the remaining group members to take over the planning, esp if they're not good at planning, but again if they were serious they'd be more concerned about cancelling the trip. This was a bigger committment to blow off than let's meet for drinks after work.
I do think this is a bit of a leap. How do you know they don't want to do dinner? I don't get the impression these people hate OP. I think likely what happened is that everyone got excited about something that wasn't possible and then nobody wanted to be the one to say "hey, I can't swing this this year". I don't have a habit of flaking out on big things, but if I had $20 for every time I talked about doing some fun trip/concert/outing/etc that nobody actually went ahead and planned, I'd be able to pay for a vacation. These girls handled things poorly, and someone should have just put on her big girl panties and told her that it wasn't going to work, much sooner than this. But I don't think that means that these people don't want to celebrate her birthday or aren't interested in being her friend.
I’m impressed you didn’t text “based off the conversation my h had with your husbands you all knew this wasn’t happening days ago and I’m really disappointed you didn’t plan anything when queen bee flaked”.
First of all ugh, I'm sorry they're so sh!tty.I'm team plan a belated trip for just you, but it's shi!tty that you missed out o nthe opportunity to plan when you could save.
And I know this is rude, but what am I doing wrong in life that I'm a DINK and have to work hard to go on one vaca a year. How is this tw able to travel so much and not work? She should have told you way in advance that her plans changed too. Ugh I can't stop being mad for you.
I was thinking similar as well as what have I done wrong that I have no friends...
I’m impressed you didn’t text “based off the conversation my h had with your husbands you all knew this wasn’t happening days ago and I’m really disappointed you didn’t plan anything when queen bee flaked”.
Impressed or disappointed? Lol.
And again, I didn’t expect them to plan bc they do have jobs outside the home (I WAH and Queen Bee doesn’t work). But a simple “maybe we can do it another month/or without QB” suggestion would have been preferable bc I would have taken on the planning knowing everyone else was all in.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 8, 2019 16:35:04 GMT -5
I don't think these people don't want to have dinner with OP, I think that the dinner is a hail Mary we screwed up so let's do something to make it up to you. I'm sure in general they enjoy spending time with OP, but if this is more of an obligation just go to dinner another time when you want to.
I should say as well that even though I don't have kids, I imagine that most parents of school aged children have to plan far in advance for trips. You know when summer and school breaks are, and how busy resorts/disney etc. get, therefore you have to plan in advance to get a good deal and/or spot. Again these people knew way ahead of time when those dates are in relation to the cruise. I think something so big ticket should require a little more of a committment than going to a concert, which is only one day.
I’m impressed you didn’t text “based off the conversation my h had with your husbands you all knew this wasn’t happening days ago and I’m really disappointed you didn’t plan anything when queen bee flaked”.
Impressed or disappointed? Lol.
And again, I didn’t expect them to plan bc they do have jobs outside the home (I WAH and Queen Bee doesn’t work). But a simple “maybe we can do it another month/or without QB” suggestion would have been preferable bc I would have taken on the planning knowing everyone else was all in.
Impressed! My bitchy “you guys are bad friends bc ....” comment would have happened so fast 🤷🏻♀️
And yes a simple “I can’t plan this now but want to celebrate you, can we do another weekend” would have been good.
Yeah it would have been nice if there was a raincheck which would signal intent of wanting to do it.
But, I don't think, beyond the initial inviting themselves along, they ever had any intention of going anywhere.
I agree with PP that said I really won't commit to anything beyond a weekend (1 night, half days) because I am not going make my work schedule and family/ life schedule fit around other people's schedule more than that.
moreace01 I'm intrigued- when you showed up at the airport, did she know you had other plans or do you think she had a moment of "OMG! WTF! SHe's here - does she plan on staying with me??!!!". Because if she did- LOL for days. (Trying to find humor in a shitty situation!)
Leeham Rimes good for you for what you said. They should know they suck. And I FULLY agree with those that said it- you want to go to England? GO!!!! If not ON your birthday, start planning for later in the year. OR because it's off season, look into it and see if you can actually make it work after all. you never know!!
I was looking at Kayak explore this morning and there are flights in like 3 weeks to Milan from my tiny airport in Oregon for $478. I'm just saying that you can find some good deals on explore for a quick trip
moreace01 I'm intrigued- when you showed up at the airport, did she know you had other plans or do you think she had a moment of "OMG! WTF! SHe's here - does she plan on staying with me??!!!". Because if she did- LOL for days. (Trying to find humor in a shitty situation!)
Lol. She did stop dead in her tracks when she saw me. But clearly couldn't bring herself to come talk to me. I didn't have the address of her family's house, so she knew I wasn't staying there. Still, the whole thing is like junior high. I'm too old for this crap. Good riddance. 😊
Obviously I was not part of the conversation, but I’ve had enough experiences to say you can’t always judge someone’s motivations without having all the information. Maybe there was silence bc they were trying to figure out if someone could pull the cruise together and decided they couldn’t and then asked about a dinner, you just don’t know. I also didn’t say I thought you should go to dinner with them, obviously if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t. I only said that expecting someone else to plans major trip when main planner dropped out is a big ask, IMO.
The date is set, they're doing a cruise and presumably know where they're leaving from (since they all live in the same area, so it's not like they have to coordinate getting to a point of departure that works for everyone). It was supposed to be booked weeks ago, so budget should have already been decided. There's no planning left to do, it's just online shopping at this point: type in a date and starting point on a cruise website, filter by budget, click "buy" on the first option that shows up. Done.
Although I agree with everyone else that really, that's not so much the point as the fact that these other women didn't express any kind of disappointment or surprise or hell, some damn sympathy, so fuck them and their consolation prize dinner.
ETA: I just remembered that the girl who was supposed to host my bachelorette party - a known flake but with the biggest house of our friend group - backed out literally the day before and left the rest of my friends scrambling for a replacement. I called her and very calmly informed her that she was never to offer to organize or host anything ever again because she was completely useless and ended up screwing over other people, and it felt amazing.
I’m impressed that you’ve managed to remain so calm. I would have already burned shit down by the time they offered dinner. Then again, maybe that’s why I don’t really have friends...?
A group of us from work have been making a big deal about birthdays and other life events. We’ve gone ALL OUT for everyone so far. My birthday is coming up and I already know I’m going to end up in the same boat as you. It really effing sucks. I’m so tired of being the girl that tries so hard to make everyone else’s events be special when I always end up just getting a half assed “event” where half the people cancel and the other half are obviously there for everyone but me.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I'm sorry. My sister is kind of like this--at least with me. She likes to talk a big game about coming to visit, getting together a lot when we're up visiting, etc.
We've lived in Ohio for over 12 years and she's never visited, despite several times saying, "This summer, I'm going to come visit! I promise this time!"
When I started making plans to take the kids up for the week between Christmas and New Year's, she said she'd "taken the whole week off" so she could spend lots of time with us. Then it became just a day. Then it became an afternoon. Then, she said she'd have to let me know, because she was dog sitting. She never visited--which also means she didn't see our mom for the holidays, either.
It's hard being so disappointed by people you thought you were important to. You're allowed to be mad. Take your trip and go wherever and whenever you want, with whomever you want. Just not with them.
I have never had a ton of friends, but I invited my small group to my sweet 16 and none of them showed. My mom has a business and all of her clients showed + my boyfriend at the time. It sucked, but that moment taught me so much about setting my bar on the ground fucking level because sometimes friends ain’t shit.
I’ve never done anything more than family dinner ever since and as god as my witness I never will because I refuse to be let down again. I don’t want a surprise party or anything. I’ll do fun things like go kayaking, hiking, dinners, parties but I want NONE of it associated with my birthday so if shit goes south I won’t take it personally.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. People suck. I turn 40 this year and I want to do something nice, too. Not a trip, but something. I have had one friend mention she'd plan something but I'm not holding my breath. Not because she's flaky but because she's a physician with four young children and is very busy. We'll see.
I’m sorry that happened to you. People suck. I agree the you should celebrate you birthday in a way that you want. I hope you get to do that.
I had a situation similar to campermom and I’m still bitter about it. I still work with them but just like she did, I’ve completely separated myself from them. Even though hey are my immediate coworkers, I keep it strictly a business relationship.