I have so much financial advice for you, but what I will say is---do not rush to do anything.
The *best* advice I was given and have followed is to take the year and do not make any major life changes. At all.
This was very hard for me because I am a "do-er" and want to fix things.
You can't fix things. Nothing can fix things in this situation.
So many widows move or change jobs or sell this or that...while you have to do what's right for you, I recommend not doing anything right now. I've seen so many widows move, buy a house, move again, move back to where they grew up, change jobs because they're trying to fix things. Whatever works for you you should do, but it's also okay to leave things as the status quo for just right now. For just these next few months.
I know there are a million things to be done, but here's the really weird part when it comes to being widowed---it's like time stops. You are allowed to deal with things months from now. No one seems to care that I'm calling 8 months later about his account once I tell them what happened.
I still have not gone to probate---I plan to look into it this month. It turns out, I didn't need to go to probate for 99% of the things he had.
One thing I *hate* ppl saying to me is: Take it a day at a time.
I really dislike that as well---that's also a not-so-great strategy to just bumble around and get through each day and not make long-term goals or live.
I think what's worked for me is a mix between "Don't make any major decisions for a year" and "Do X, Y, and Z" Meaning, I actively *thought* each and every day about my decisions and would start to make some moves at the one year mark.
I worked on a little something every day as far as finances and my life go.
I didn't make decisions regarding his belongings---call me weird, but they are still hanging where he left them. I'm not sure how I feel yet about his stuff, so I'm not making any decisions right now just yet. His things will be boxed and brought to my new home and stored, very organized, in my garage where I will go through a box at a time over the next few years.
You're right to feel angry. Having no note leaves you with so many questions. My husband's suicide was also highly impulsive; like you two, we had a lot of future plans.
I found a note two days after my husband died after being so confused and struggling so badly. Finally, I felt I would get the answers I deserved and he'd explain everything to me in it.
It didn't. It left more questions than answers. It was gibberish, to be honest, rambling about weird things, and it didn't say all the things I desperately wanted to hear.
To break down your questions, I can *only* answer as I did/would and not what you should do legally/emotionally/financially.
1. Car-My husband's car was in his name only. I went to the DMV with a marriage license and title (ours was paid off) and death certificate and they allowed me to transfer the title. I now drive that car. We did not have a second car. Do you really want to just surrender the car? Is it in good shape or is yours better?
I'd personally pay the car off with my own money and drive it if I wanted or, if I was really, really sure I didn't want it, sell it to a family member or friend firstly and a stranger secondly.
2. Retirement Account---What kind is it? Are you listed as beneficiary? I did not have to probate his Roth nor his 401k. A separate investment account I still have to do. This just passed through to me (I have surrendered almost all my money to a financial advisor and they're babysitting me because I am emotionally messed up and need to be issued an allowance, basically).
3. Investment Property-I'm not familiar with this at all. Best to ask an attorney.
4. Estate sale--This is a really complex emotional issue. How much money do you have? Unless you are wealthy, I don't know if it is MM to get rid of every single thing even though you really want to. I know you are so angry---so am I at times.
Might I suggest a more moderate approach? I don't know where in the house your husband took his own life, and I understand not living there anymore. I would instead suggest utilizing professional packers to come and bring everything to your new place. It can look so much better in a new place.
And then go through it---maybe you get rid of things that you cannot live with (items in the room where he passed) but keep other more practical things (pots and pans, dishes). You can always go through things and give them away later, but you can't get them back if you give them away now.
I am not really angry with my husband anymore compared to when he first passed---I'm mainly just sad. So our things don't bother me (it comforts me sometimes to have his belongings around me) and it would be impossible for me to replace everything we have financially.
5. Life insurance--I'm still dealing with my husband's. If I receive it, I will have it given over to my financial advisors as I want no part of it right now.
I'm so sorry again and I can't believe this is happening to someone else I "know." I've spent all night thinking about you.
OMG, nonono. I am devastated for you. I am so, so sorry. I can't stop sobbing reading this.
I immediately felt compelled to write to you.
I was widowed by suicide this past April, we were late 20's, no kids either. A very similar story.
It is so terrible---that's all I can say to you and that I'm heartbroken for you.
I'm PMing you my email address now.
I know everyone claims "Let me know if there's something I can do for you" but I literally mean it. Please let me help you in some way. I unfortunately have been through it and I know some of what you are going through.
Huge hugs to you and I am so so sorry. I hope we'll be in touch--PM me, FB, call, text, anytime.
Haven't seen it yet, but was she a SAHM in the first one and he did something sort of vague with bands, possibly? I didn't understand how they afforded such a huge home in Los Angeles with a separate guest house for the sister in the first one, to be honest!
Obviously, I will be getting a full inspection on any place I buy, of course.
I am going to start home-shopping on my own and it is a little scary.
I have assembled a very comprehensive checklist to take with me just to remind me and help me.
Do you know of any really, really thorough checklists online?
Also, is there something you wish you would have known or considered on a home purchase? Something you don't hear mentioned often?
For example, when we moved into our apartment, we didn't check the overhead lights. There are none. We had to put lamps in every room and it's still so dark. So that's something I'd prefer---at least *some* rooms to have *some* overhead lighting...just little things like that, that expertise is welcome!
I'm not sure if this is still a problem, but I remember that there was some bad press about students from Seton Hill causing problems in off-campus housing near the campus.
This article from 2009 is about a particular incident that turned tragic, but it also references other incidents. If you are interested in this neighborhood, you might want to talk to the neighbors to see if there are any problems.
Holy crap. That was after I moved out of state so I didn't know about that. How terrible.
That school seems so small and quiet to me--I went to Penn State so I'm no stranger to wild partying all hours of the night. I really hope it isn't a problem There are gorgeous homes in that area.
Plus, I plan to someday make my home a rental and being close to the college would be good for that.
Don't be hard on yourself. I wouldn't expect anyone to take off for the anniversary of my husband's death---I honestly don't take it personally and neither will his family.
I love homes like this. My parents had a similar one - made of stone w/a slate roof! - offered to them for free, but my dad's grandmother came along with the house, so my mom said no, lol. I still can't believe she did that. That house was beautiful and so well-constructed.
This house looks great. It would be about $400k in my neighborhood, without a garage. The OP house seems like it is on a busy street, it isn't a terrible house, and if you want a semi commercial area for your business, it might be good. I covet garages and basements, they are awesome, wish I had one.
Everyone loves this house except for me. I think it's just the outside shape I don't love---it doesn't really appeal to me. I'm beginning to think I have terrible taste in houses---I put it on the list though just to see.
I understand being really cautious, but it sounds like you aren't feeling horribly--do you really want/need to go to the hospital? Maybe urgent care or just waiting it out at home (unless you feel terrible and/or have a medical condition/are pregnant).
I came to this post too late. Too much to follow . Did you find a good agent? Are you planning a brig hunting trip?
I found an agent---I have no idea if he's good.
I am having my sister look for me over the next couple of weeks and then, when I'm in town for work anyway at the end of February, I'll look at whatever's still available.
Or if there is something really good, I'm planning to fly in and see it, but that would be for something I really, really am seriously considering.
I'd absolutely buy a townhouse. I have my eye on one in Plum Boro that's like 90k or so as well.
One thing I really dislike is box/rancher split levels. Like to me, if there's some kind of dimension to the front (a porch, some eaves), I like that, but the totally flat front box style homes aren't my style. (Although I've seen some befores and afters on how to fix up that style of house).
I guess some kind of curb appeal/shape is really important to me since I have so much trouble envisioning how to fix up the outside of a place.
This house is literally the *exact* same house layout as my in-laws--like it freaks me out it's so similar down to stove placement. One thing I don't like about these is the really tiny windows (like the half lengths) in all the bedrooms, I don't understand that. The outside of this one is okay.
Nope. That's right in the middle of "downtown" Harrison City. Lol. That is such a stretch to even call it a city. Lolol. I cannot fathom why one would live there when there are actual neighborhoods to live in. Although, you can walk to Janet's Dairy Barn from that house. She's super nice and will give your dog a free ice cream cone, so there's that.
Have you driven around the area? Are you familiar with these places that you're suggesting? I know your budget is not super high, but the houses that you're pulling up are on, like, the least desirable streets to be had in the area.
I drove around the area in December, but I'm not in town now and won't be until late February, so I have been trying to narrow it down based on Google searches so I can have my relatives look for me. I feel like the North Huntingdon area is so huge and sprawling that I can't know all the neighborhood info, you know. Every place I drove around to looked totally fine (I admit my standards are pretty low---if I don't see a drug deal going down, I'm generally okay with the neighborhood).
Although I grew up in a not good area (McKeesport), so I guess the idea to me that there are bad parts of Penn Township or Irwin is sort of surprising and relative---what some ppl would say is bad, I would probably say is fine or it wouldn't even phase me.
I am definitely willing to do some work, but I have to be realistic about what a single woman with no help can do while working 80 hours a week. Like painting and some general fixes, I can do, but I can't realistically take on a house that needs work in every room because, admittedly, it will never get done---it will stay the same as the day I moved in for the next ten years if it's something extensive.
My friend that bought a house gave me some advice and she said "Do not buy a house that needs fixes in every room, inside and outside." Her advice to me after her frustration (it was her, her husband, and her parents to help) was to pick something that needs one or two major things but everything else is fine. So if it needs a bathroom and landscaping, fine. Or it needs the kitchen fixed up and paint, fine. But I guess she has warned me against thinking I can do flooring, paint, add a bathroom, finish a basement, update a kitchen, landscape, and do a new facade outside---and she's right, I can't afford to do all of that and I don't have time or help either.
So I think I'm trying to focus on a house that either needs inside or outside work but not both because I guess I feel I can't handle both.
Honestly, if I were in a different state of mind, I'd buy a huge fixer and work hard on it, but I can't---I'm really depressed and have no joy in this process. I don't even really get to look and see places-I have to have others do it for me. Maybe the next place I move, I'll get to do some of the more fun stuff. I just want to be "okay" with how it is right now and not place a lot of big projects on myself right away.
What do you think about this place? I know it is further out?
I don't know if that's Greensburg schools or Hempfield. I understand Greensburg is not considered as desirable. I just love the shape and style of that house, the older look?
I like this one a lot too, although I am not a fan of the upstairs layout with that weird open room, but it looks well-cared for?
I think I'm more drawn to the older-style two story homes. I LOVE this house from the outside. I just LOVE it...but I think you mentioned this is an undesirable area of town in Irwin? The back steps/deck are not my tastes, but I put this one high on my list for awhile now?:
I also ADORE this but it probably needs a lot of work. Originally, Greensburg was too far out from where I wanted to be but I know money-wise I need to be flexible:
LOVE this one too:http://www.pittsburghmoves.com/property/details/204806/MLS-942767/220-Maryland-Hempfield-Township-PA-15601.aspx?SearchID=13686374&RowNum=100&StateID=44&RegionID=0&IsRegularPS=True&IsSold=False
And that's every house in my price range in the county, I think
I really, really appreciate you taking the time to look at these houses for me or just general neighborhood info. None of my family lives that far out of the city so they're not really a good resource on this kind of thing either. Thanks a million times over!
I'd absolutely buy a townhouse. I have my eye on one in Plum Boro that's like 90k or so as well.
One thing I really dislike is box/rancher split levels. Like to me, if there's some kind of dimension to the front (a porch, some eaves), I like that, but the totally flat front box style homes aren't my style. (Although I've seen some befores and afters on how to fix up that style of house).
I guess some kind of curb appeal/shape is really important to me since I have so much trouble envisioning how to fix up the outside of a place.
This house is literally the *exact* same house layout as my in-laws--like it freaks me out it's so similar down to stove placement. One thing I don't like about these is the really tiny windows (like the half lengths) in all the bedrooms, I don't understand that. The outside of this one is okay.
Do you like that one better? I feel like it needs more work---the kitchen, the second bathroom in the basement isn't really finished, and some of the rooms need work?
Also, I was confused by the slanted walls throughout the house and the brick archway outside.
That second house is probably in an even better school district though, to be honest.
It's a flip maybe? Last sold July of 2011 and they've obviously put some work into it.
I don't think the front is so bad but it's weird how it sits sort of below road level. Is that street really busy?
I would plant a small shrub or two under the window to the right and maybe some planter boxes on the railing or hanging plants from the porch ceiling. You could also add shutters to the windows. I think those small changes will help a lot.
I occasionally see where the houses are lower and I have no idea why.
I agree about a tree/shrub---but I can never keep any kind of house plants alive.
Also, why is one part of the front stone and one part sided? Is there anything that can be done to fix that? What in the world would it cost to reside an entire house to make it match?
I'm 28 and widowed and this whole conversation just depresses the hell out of me. Like a lot of women here, I met my late husband in college and built a life with him, dating for 5 years before getting married. We were married right in the middle of the pack of our friends at age 25. Now all my friends are married now and having babies and their lives are so perfect---some are already on baby #2, and they have the house and the dog and the SUV and really wonderful, supportive husbands.
Sometimes you feel like you do everything right and things still don't work out, you still don't get what you want, you know?
All I can say is that it's just different when you are alone...it's just hard. You have to be comfortable on your own.
The reason this conversation depresses the hell out of me is because, sadly, I feel that biological time ticking. I don't know if I ever even want to date again, marry again, or have babies---but I know that if I do, the pool of guys is so limited and I'm not getting any younger to be able to have a large family. By the time I feel more mentally healthy after losing my husband, I might be out of years to have my own children.
No matter what, I don't want to be seen as that sad old widow whose "window" of opportunity to have her own kids and family is gone. That's just depressing.
First, I'm sorry you lost your husband.
Second, I want to share a positive story about one of my other friends. She lost her husband when she was 28/29 to cancer and had a lot of the same fears as you.
She spent time dealing with her loss and two years ago met her now husband (She's 35 now). She got married last year and is now pregnant with her first child.
Although she will never forget the loved she shared with her first husband I think she is happy again. I hope time will help heal your wounds as well.
Hugs
That is such a sweet story---that does give me a lot of hope. I feel better knowing another younger widow had the same thoughts. I'm so happy for your friend and her being able to find happiness again; it honestly made me tear up to see that for someone else.
I'm dying to know what kind of business this is....I am a small business owner myself and our amounts are similar---
But I do not have rent, an employee, etc.
If you are bringing home 2k, you need to be withholding like $900 or so just to be sure. Self-employment taxes are a B, but I know you already know that
I'm 28 and widowed and this whole conversation just depresses the hell out of me. Like a lot of women here, I met my late husband in college and built a life with him, dating for 5 years before getting married. We were married right in the middle of the pack of our friends at age 25. Now all my friends are married now and having babies and their lives are so perfect---some are already on baby #2, and they have the house and the dog and the SUV and really wonderful, supportive husbands.
Sometimes you feel like you do everything right and things still don't work out, you still don't get what you want, you know?
All I can say is that it's just different when you are alone...it's just hard. You have to be comfortable on your own.
The reason this conversation depresses the hell out of me is because, sadly, I feel that biological time ticking. I don't know if I ever even want to date again, marry again, or have babies---but I know that if I do, the pool of guys is so limited and I'm not getting any younger to be able to have a large family. By the time I feel more mentally healthy after losing my husband, I might be out of years to have my own children.
No matter what, I don't want to be seen as that sad old widow whose "window" of opportunity to have her own kids and family is gone. That's just depressing.
I don't like the curb appeal of any of these....the first day you posted houses was still the best.
House 1, these people LOVE mounting things to other things. like that under cabinet coffee pot? wine glasses on the wall, pots and pans on a different wall, half bookshelf/half shelf in babies' room, weird corner bookshelf in another room? Either space is tight or they just love Pinterest.
Number 2 needs too much upgrading compared to #1 to me.
Number 3, basketball hoop is awkward, and dishwasher is portable. Portable dishwashers don't last as long and there is nowhere to build one in. Nice sunroom.
Number 4--it's like they took photos of every bad thing in the house?? Too much work, way too much work for me (YMMV)
Before my husband passed, we were saving to buy a house with cash---that was always my husband's dream since he was very risk-adverse and hated debt. We had been saving for 5 years and needed only about 5 more to buy completely in cash and still have a good amount of cash reserves.
We were dual-earners in a cheap area and looking to spend about 150k or so.
My husband never wanting a mortgage is a big reason I'm hesitating to buy now--I feel it's going against his wishes for me to take a mortgage and I worry that he would think I was making a mistake--hence why I haven't been looking as seriously as I should for a home.
But at the same time, it's smarter now to take the mortgage since interest rates are so low. And I have assets but low income on a month-to-month basis.
So this has always been one of my dreams, to buy with cash.
They are organizing a search party for the morning. I just feel so ill.
I don't know what do for her. She is luckily surrounded by friends and family and they are very religious, so her church is behind her.
Thank you all for the support.
If you wanted to help, I desperately needed someone to man the phone. Desperately. But I was alone and there was no one.
I recommend taking his cell phone (if the police have not), hers, their house phone, and be ready at any moment to answer. Keep repeating the same info and write it down in a notebook who called.
I got literally hundreds of calls when my DH went missing. None of them helped and were all just looking for info, which I didn't have. It was terrible.
I can't really talk any further about those moments because they were the worst of my entire life and it's just devastating to even think about the fear--I just really needed help talking to the police, the sheriffs, detectives, hospitals, his friends, my friends, his family, my family, neighbors, etc. I just wish someone had come to help, but I didn't have anyone at that time near me.
I'm horrified just reading this and I wish I could reach out and help your friend. I can say that I do know what she's going through and it's a worst nightmare situation.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear this. I'm holding out hope. I had something similar happen to me with my DH last April and, while my situation tragically did not result in my husband being found alive, I really, really pray that it will be different for your friend and her husband will be found safely.
Please be there for her and try to help her if you can. It's so difficult.
I've posted my real budget a few times and I'm very easily identifiable in real life. It's okay though---I would feel weird using an AE when it is so obviously me, the situation and the details. Using an AE would be pointless.
I think everything looks great, but, being only 24, I would take a little time and enjoy your new house, save for that new car, start Roths, and THEN TTC. Maybe in like a year or two.
I'm weird and I really like to space out exciting things in life though and get really settled.