Sd saga continues

[Deleted]

A) I'm confused about requiring classes for baptism, as most Catholics are baptized as infants.

B) Non catholic baptisms "count" to the catholic church, as long as she gets a certificate of baptism. If she decided to convert to Catholicism later they will let her. She won't even have to be rebaptized.

[Overthemoon]

Buy her a baptism gift, give her a hug, and tell her you are proud of her for making her own decisions. That is what you should do tonight.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:56:13 GMT -5 angelaa73 said:

I see no reason why you shouldn't let her know it hurt you. Why play games, like oh that means nothing at all Tra lalalal la. let her know. faith is a very personal decision, and she thinks she knows everything cuz she does, she's, like, 13!

Angela, thank you.  In my op is was asking how we react to this when she gets home to isn't.  Maybe is put too much fluff in my op and made it hard for others to see what I was asking for.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:58:47 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:47 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

You ladies who say I am making too much of this, are any of you catholic? Also, you all do realize that nothing has been said to her yet, I am just here expressing my feelings in a safe manner without exposing her?

I am hoping someone out there has been in my position can give some advice other than discounting my feelings?

What advice can be given here other than you have to get over it?

Don't say anything to her about it.

See part of me thinks that is best too.  I am really torn, do we say something, do we leave it be, do we tell her how we feel, do we say nothing?

[10outof9]

I'm with Mary and Alice. You can't force your stepdaughter to be Catholic. Yes, you can drag her to mass and force her through church education classes, but is that what you really want? Do you think it will "count" if she goes through the motions but doesn't actually believe in the Catholic faith? For you, that may be good enough, but I wouldn't be okay with forcing my kid into a religion they didn't want.

It's very sad that she's choosing to use something she knows will hurt you and your H so much as a means of rebellion, but in a lot of ways, she's being a typical teenager. As for what you do now, I don't know. Do you drag her, kicking and screaming to your church because you can? Or do you let her make her own choices?

And yes, I'm not Catholic so I "don't get it" or whatever, but I cannot possibly understand how forcing your kid to be Catholic (or Methodist, Jewish, Buddhist, etc) is a good idea.

ETA: That last part might sound anti-religion, but I just think that allowing young people to make their own decisions about their faith is the best route. Shoving a particular faith down their throat, especially if they are trying to rebel, is a great way to alienate them from the faith and you.

[starlily]

Mar 31, 2013 11:46:08 GMT -5 VeryViolet said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:37:34 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Exactly, I am not looking for religious advice, we are catholic, educating the children in other religions is not an option.  I am asking I guess for how to deal with this choice she made and what happens when we face her this evening

You have educated her catholic but you can't force her to choose the religion you want. I was raised catholic, went to catholic school, had all my sacraments and I now go to church maybe once a year, it happens. Was she baptized as a baby in a Catholic Church? If yes I am pretty sure that is the one the church "counts" and if not all the church wants is you baptized if she decides to be catholic at any point. My dad just converted and didn't get baptized again because he was baptized Methodist as a kid. As far as your reaction you really need to relax and not confront this in an angry way she will just rebel more. She is looking for a rise don't give her one. Instead talk to her about her beliefs and tell her about yours.

All of this.

I'm catholic, and I think you're overreacting.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:56:50 GMT -5 @stellasmom said:

A) I'm confused about requiring classes for baptism, as most Catholics are baptized as infants.

B) Non catholic baptisms "count" to the catholic church, as long as she gets a certificate of baptism. If she decided to convert to Catholicism later they will let her. She won't even have to be rebaptized.

Not all get baptised as babies, I wasn't, neither was my sister.  
And yes I am aware she won't get rebaptized, that is the part I am struggling with, that and the fact that she is doing it for the wrong reasons.
she doesn't like this church any better, she has told me she doesn't like going, too many old people.  

[simplyinpenguin]

Maybe sit down with SD and ask her why she chose to be baptized at her mom's church. What is it about her mom's church that made her get baptized? Does she plan on practicing that particular religion? By being interested in asking questions, it may take the fuel out of her fire to "punish" you and H in this regard. Don't let her see the upset, just be inquisitive and try to see the understanding in her answers (if she does give more than just "because I want to"). Don't feed her the fuel for the drama bonfire she wants.

[Deleted]

The Catholic church acknowledges all Christian baptisms. Moreover, she'll still need to be Confirmed regardless of where she was baptized. Focus on the sacraments that she can still participate in. Regardless, she has to choose to be Catholic. You can raise her with all the Catholic values you want, but you can't force her to complete the sacraments.

[sewf]

Your job to raise her Catholic is to teach her about the church and its beliefs. Help her learn and grow. You have done your vow by teaching her and for all intents, raising her Catholic. But you cannot force her to BE Catholic. Religion is an amazingly personal thing. It should never be forced by the parents, because as we all know, especially with teenagers, they have to find their own way and religion. Jesus said, "let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14. It doesn't say, "force the children to believe what I say, because that is the only way." You have to let her make the choice, while guiding her and explaining the Catholic faith to her.

And yes, I was born and raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school for 14 years, and was an alter girl (a lot of times by myself because I was the only teenager at mass on a Saturday night) and my mom teaches Catholicism classes to adults. And even my devout mother took me to other religious services outside of Catholicism when I asked.

Yes, she may be doing this to get a rise out of you guys, but maybe she really feels connected to her grandmother's church. Maybe that it why she has been difficult at home and not wanting to talk. She may just not know how to tell her devout dad and SM that she isn't Catholic.

[Deleted]

Listen, if "raising your child in the faith" meant all children will grow up to be practicing Catholics, most Catholic married couples have not lived up to their vows.

You do what you can when she's with you, and then you let it go. I'm catholic too, and I still realize that any baptism is better than none.

[cc]

Mar 31, 2013 11:34:25 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:32:19 GMT -5 MWOS said:

Raised Catholic, named MARY FRANCES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

and at 13 is when I checked out of the religion. I mean, she's using Faith as a weapon, which is wrong, but it's also par for the course. But you cannot force her to be Catholic and follow the beliefs of the Church. This is what happens when children grow up and have to think on their own and make their own decisions.

I agree with all of this, especially "She's using faith as a weapon". Which to means her baptism means nothing.  I am just sad that if or when she comes around she doesn't get a do aver
pp.s.  have you read any of my other posts?

What do you mean by doesnt get a do over? If she changes her mind one day, she can still get baptized in the Catholic Church, no?

*I was raised Catholic, but haven't been to mass in a few years.

[MWOS]

We were all lured into Confirmation with promises of a TEN SPEED BIKE!!!

[jenna]

I'm sorry she is rebelling. I agree with pp that say you can't force your step daughter to be Catholic.

My SS and I had a very good counseling session this week. I can't remember if you said you, H and SD are seeing someone. We got lucky, and found a guy who has a fair amount of experience dealing with teens and preteens.

GL

[cc]

Mar 31, 2013 12:03:27 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:56:50 GMT -5 @stellasmom said:

A) I'm confused about requiring classes for baptism, as most Catholics are baptized as infants.

B) Non catholic baptisms "count" to the catholic church, as long as she gets a certificate of baptism. If she decided to convert to Catholicism later they will let her. She won't even have to be rebaptized.

Not all get baptised as babies, I wasn't, neither was my sister.  
And yes I am aware she won't get rebaptized, that is the part I am struggling with, that and the fact that she is doing it for the wrong reasons.
she doesn't like this church any better, she has told me she doesn't like going, too many old people.  

Never mind. I see you answered my question in this post.

[simplyinpenguin]

Mar 31, 2013 12:10:29 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Wait, so she is getting baptized in her grandma's church?

So there are members of her family that are Protestant?

Why is it that you think only your specific religious denomination is acceptable and should negate her other family?

She said that her H has a court order that allows him to make decisions regarding her medical and religion, amongst other things. So, I believe to her, it's violating a court order to have her not follow her father's faith, even if it was SD that made the decision, not the other members of her family.

[sewf]

Oh, and even with my devout mother and all of my schooling and going through all the sacraments, I am agnostic. You know where I became agnostic? A Catholic university. Because they told me to question my belief, and when I did, I realized that I don't agree with a lot of the things the Catholic church teaches. So maybe it doesn't matter that she's 13. Maybe she's just not Catholic, and that's ok.

[PeonyParty]

Mar 31, 2013 12:10:29 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Wait, so she is getting baptized in her grandma's church?

So there are members of her family that are Protestant?

Why is it that you think only your specific religious denomination is acceptable and should negate her other family?

Because the legal documents say so- that's why.

[zitiqueen]

Mar 31, 2013 11:46:07 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:44:12 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

It is in the court order, "father has primary and physical custody with all decision making authority over mother in regards to legal, medical, education and religious matters."

we have that part memorized because we have had to produce it in educational and medical matters

Court orders cannot force someone to be religious. Sorry. 

You say that like our country was founded on this principle or something.

[eb777888]

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:41 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I feel more and more sorry for your stepdaughter every time you post.

It's like you want to fight with her.

OMG yes. And nobody can help her because you don't know her lyfe and aren't in her exact same shoes. She is ridiculous.

[StormyDixon]

Her mother doesn't attend church. I believe the court order means her mother can not take her and get her baptized without fathers permission

I am not asking how to make her catholic

I am asking how to deal with my own feelings and what if anything I say when she gets home.

Anyone who has followed my story knows that I am the only one she talks to. I am asking basically what now? While she did this to Hurt both her parents (her mother is very against the church that grandmother attends), I don't think she did this to hurt me. I doubt she even considered me, which is fine.

I am asking what I can do to help my husband deal with this so there are no fireworks when she comes home tonight. She and I don't have fireworks.

I think I will just follow her lead and only talk about it if she brings it up. I guess then, if she asks for my opinion I will give it. It won't kill her to know that I don't agree with what she did.

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 12:23:33 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:41 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I feel more and more sorry for your stepdaughter every time you post.

It's like you want to fight with her.

OMG yes. And nobody can help her because you don't know her lyfe and aren't in her exact same shoes. She is ridiculous.

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this.

[montereybride]

When she comes home, sit down with her and repeat after me:

"Me and your dad are sad and disappointed that you chose to get baptized in a Protestant church because our Catholic faith is very important to us and we wanted it to be important to you, too. But, we respect your right to choose your own faith and will help you any way we can with any questions you have. We won't have all the answers but we are willing to learn with you because we love you and want you be comfortable practicing your faith in your own home."

And then give her a hug and tell her you love her and ask her if there's anything she needs from you and your H to help her practice her faith.

And then let.it.go.


As long as she believes Jesus died for her sins, the big JC doesn't care who baptized her or which version of the bible she reads or where she goes to church.

[beans]

Considering that a lot of different Catholic congregations do confirmation about this same age, I would say that SD is exploring different things and it is not necessarily the worst thing in the world. Confirmation is the adult decision to follow through with the Catholic faith, whereas the other sacraments may just be something our parents told us to do or enrolled us in. When I went through confirmation classes at 15, this is what they told us several times throughout the process. Since I have been through the process as a sponsor to a 13 year old converting to Catholicism, if she went through the whole baptism/first communion process, wouldn't they also have her do confirmation at the same time? That is what happened with all the teens going through it back then. Thats a big commitment and she should be without a doubt wanting to become Catholic at that point.

I am reiterating this to say that even the Catholic church understands you can't force your religion and beliefs on someone else, they have to come to the decision on their own for it to mean anything to them at all. Let that assuage your guilt. You and YH obviously exposed her to the faith, as you "agreed" to in your wedding.

She might be choosing this for the wrong reasons, but it is really not the end of the world. She could still choose to become Catholic, and if she doesn't, thats really her choice to make at this point. I'm not going to say you shouldn't feel hurt by this or disappointed, but you only have so much control over this. The more you push this, the more she is going to pull away. Why can't you say something like "We wish it was different, but we support your right to do it?" or something. If she sees your unconditional care and love for her now when she is testing and pulling away, it will go so much further than anything else you probably could do.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 12:25:21 GMT -5 montereybride said:

When she comes home, sit down with her and repeat after me:

"Me and your dad are sad and disappointed that you chose to get baptized in a Protestant church because our Catholic faith is very important to us and we wanted it to be important to you, too. But, we respect your right to choose your own faith and will help you any way we can with any questions you have. We won't have all the answers but we are willing to learn with you because we love you and want you be comfortable practicing your faith in your own home."

This is very good, but I wonder if her father should be the one to say it?  Maybe it will help close that rift between the 

[MWOS]

Jesus, if her becoming a Christian is going to cause fireworks, the next 5 or so years are going to be a real shitshow

[simplyinpenguin]

Mar 31, 2013 12:22:00 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Mar 31, 2013 12:14:27 GMT -5 simplyinpenguin said:

She said that her H has a court order that allows him to make decisions regarding her medical and religion, amongst other things. So, I believe to her, it's violating a court order to have her not follow her father's faith, even if it was SD that made the decision, not the other members of her family.

You can't force someone to follow your religion, court order or not. This is silly.

No, you can't and it will end very badly if someone forced religion down impressionable, rebellious minds. I wasn't raised religiously, which pissed my uncle off. When he would come visit me and tell my parents we were going to the zoo, the park, etc., in actuality he kept bringing me from church to church, sitting me in Sunday School where I would color Jesus purple. At a young age, I was like "cool! Coloring!" As I got older, I became more like "why are you bringing me here? I don't want to be here." That was the last time I heard from my uncle.

Just don't do it. If this turns into a big mess, she's going to remember it and use it at will at the next disagreement or even 5 years of disagreements down the road.

[lime]

Mar 31, 2013 12:24:00 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

I am asking how to deal with my own feelings and what if anything I say when she gets home.

Everyone here is telling you to not say anything or say something nice to her when she gets home and to suck it up and deal with it, as an adult. I'm not sure why you won't hear this. 

[goaskalice]

Mar 31, 2013 12:14:27 GMT -5 simplyinpenguin said:

Mar 31, 2013 12:10:29 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Wait, so she is getting baptized in her grandma's church?

So there are members of her family that are Protestant?

Why is it that you think only your specific religious denomination is acceptable and should negate her other family?

She said that her H has a court order that allows him to make decisions regarding her medical and religion, amongst other things. So, I believe to her, it's violating a court order to have her not follow her father's faith, even if it was SD that made the decision, not the other members of her family.

What OP doesn't seem to want to admit is she and her DH can raise SD in the catholic faith all they want, but it doesn't mean she's going to choose it. When the judge granted that order I'm sure he didn't expect them to force her to believe.

As I, and the many others, have attested you can raise a child in the faith all you want it doesn't mean they're going to believe it their whole life. Hell, in 6th  grade I knew I wasn't religious, but I had to still go to Christian school and church all way until I was a junior in high school. By then I could drive and my parents stopped pushing. 

[montereybride]

Mar 31, 2013 12:27:08 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 12:25:21 GMT -5 montereybride said:

When she comes home, sit down with her and repeat after me:

"Me and your dad are sad and disappointed that you chose to get baptized in a Protestant church because our Catholic faith is very important to us and we wanted it to be important to you, too. But, we respect your right to choose your own faith and will help you any way we can with any questions you have. We won't have all the answers but we are willing to learn with you because we love you and want you be comfortable practicing your faith in your own home."

This is very good, but I wonder if her father should be the one to say it?  Maybe it will help close that rift between the 

Definitely share this with her dad. If the goal is to remain an intact loving cohesive family unit, you have got to let her have some autonomy. She's not drinking, doing drugs, cutting school, having sex, etc. She's exploring her faith. She's allowed to do that and needs to know that her family accepts her decision even if they don't agree with it or understand it.