Sd saga continues

[Deleted]

why wasn't she baptized as an infant?

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5 psychmom said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:34:25 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

I agree with all of this, especially "She's using faith as a weapon". Which to means her baptism means nothing.  I am just sad that if or when she comes around she doesn't get a do aver
pp.s.  have you read any of my other posts?

Honest question: what do you mean you don't get a do over? Are you not allowed to be baptized Catholic once you've been baptized elsewhere? I'm not Catholic but have been planning on eventually converting for dh.

You only get one baptism.  She is doing this without any of her family present except grandmother.  If or when she decides to come back to the catholic faith, she won't get rebaptized.  

[montereybride]

Mar 31, 2013 13:39:17 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:33:30 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Are you?  You seem kind of petty.

Why do you say that?

Ok, it's time for you to step away from GBCN and start talking to your H about your game plan for when your SD gets home. That's the only thing that needs to be your focus right now. It doesn't matter what anyone here has to say about anything you've posted and you're going to end up going around in circles trying to explain what you mean. Focus on your family.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:39:44 GMT -5 cville said:

why wasn't she baptized as an infant?

Her mother was opposed to it

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5 psychmom said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:34:25 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

I agree with all of this, especially "She's using faith as a weapon". Which to means her baptism means nothing.  I am just sad that if or when she comes around she doesn't get a do aver
pp.s.  have you read any of my other posts?

Honest question: what do you mean you don't get a do over? Are you not allowed to be baptized Catholic once you've been baptized elsewhere? I'm not Catholic but have been planning on eventually converting for dh.

You only need one baptism, which is why there isn't a "do-over". Essentially, most Christian baptisms are good enough for and accepted by the Catholic church, although not the OP. (There are exceptions, but I wouldn't be able to tell you what they are.)  It's not so much that you aren't allowed to be baptized. The point is that you already are - you've already gone through that process.

When you convert you'll receive the sacraments of reconciliation, communion, and confirmation all at once, assuming you were already baptized Christian. It's usually all a part of the same ceremony. You would just skip the very first part where they pour water over your head.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:41:39 GMT -5 montereybride said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:39:17 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Why do you say that?

Ok, it's time for you to step away from GBCN and start talking to your H about your game plan for when your SD gets home. That's the only thing that needs to be your focus right now. It doesn't matter what anyone here has to say about anything you've posted and you're going to end up going around in circles trying to explain what you mean. Focus on your family.

I will when he gets back.  I am here alone now, trying to anticipate what will happen later

[auntie]

Mar 31, 2013 11:36:04 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:33:38 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I'm really sorry for your struggles. And I can't really relate because I'm an atheist, and I don't have a stepmom or stepdaughter.

But, that being said. I think you're making too much of this. You should support her religious exploration. When I was 13 I suddenly decided I wanted to go to church. My non-religious parents went to a dozen different churches with me while I explored.

Why not discuss the different aspects if the religions with her- and focus on what is similar and the major undertones?

Snce you are not catholic you don't understand.  That is part of our wedding vows to raise our children catholic.

I'm sorry you're upset. Teens push buttons. It's what they do.

But I'm confused.

The Roman Catholic Church typically practices newborn baptism except for those choosing to convert. Any instruction required for the baptism of a child falls on the parents and godparents of the child. Surely, some time in the past 13 years, your DH could have made the arrangements to have at least this part done. 

I would expect a sympathetic priest would streamline the sort of instruction she would need to qualify to receive Communion. When I married the first time, my ex asked about me converting, his priest friend who married us would have accepted my UCC baptism and allowed me to study on my own prior to receiving the sacraments of First Holy Communion and Confirmation. IRL, I know a number of parents of kids with special needs who chose to work with their parish priests to "homeschool" religious education.

Your wedding vow applies to the children resulting from your marriage and not those your DH shares with someone else. If your DH was married previously, assuming he did things properly in accordance with his faith, he would have made the vow to raise his child then. Her mother would not have been forced to make the same promise. 

If your DH was not married in accordance with his faith previously, then I would sort of side eye his new found religiosity and suspect this is more about you.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:43:13 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:39:17 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Why do you say that?

This struck me as weird from the other day.  Nothing else really stuck out but this made me think that you might be treating her in a catty fashion.


'she can hate me, I really don't care, but she needs to OWN it.  she acts all nicey nicey to my face, tells me she loves me, then turns around and says a bunch of smack to her friends.
I would rather she just openly hate me.  she is behaving exactly how she hates her friends to treat her, being two faced.  and I reminded her about that today too'

I was upset when I posted that, and used this forum instead of projecting it outward.  She and I have since talked and we are good.  She explained why she posted that and opened up to me about her feelings toward both of her parents.

[VeryViolet]

Mar 31, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5 psychmom said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:34:25 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

I agree with all of this, especially "She's using faith as a weapon". Which to means her baptism means nothing.  I am just sad that if or when she comes around she doesn't get a do aver
pp.s.  have you read any of my other posts?

Honest question: what do you mean you don't get a do over? Are you not allowed to be baptized Catholic once you've been baptized elsewhere? I'm not Catholic but have been planning on eventually converting for dh.

This is what rubs me the wrong way with the OP's tone. You don't need a do over because the Catholic Church recognizes most Christian baptisms. So if you want to convert you get what just me personally not the church thinks is a bigger sacrament, confirmation. You willfully as an adult agree to be catholic not a baptism that for most Catholics occurs when they are infants.

Seriously the church has spent a long time moving away from this "we are right and you will burn in hell if you are any other denomination and lord help you if you aren't Christian" mentality. At least my conservative childhood parish is not that way anymore. My mom tells a much different story of growing up in the same parish. But it is that close minded thought that probably turns off many people.

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 13:41:39 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:39:44 GMT -5 cville said:

why wasn't she baptized as an infant?

Her mother was opposed to it

ah, i see.

do you see? 

who wants her to be catholic?  her father (whom she won't speak to) and her stepmother (who is, even if she is loved and the only person the kid will speak to, arguably the thing getting in the way of her parents reconciling--in the kid's mind).  her mother (whom she also doesn't speak to) doesn't want her to be catholic, but ALSO doesn't want her to be baptized in her grandmother's church.

would you, at 13, want to please those people?  i wouldn't have.  i probably would've wanted to do something to piss all of them off.  and if, for all that my father and stepmother promised to raise me catholic in the vows at their wedding (that broke up my biological family forever), i hadn't been baptized, gone through first communion, regularly (weekly) attended church, or been about to start the confirmation process, "being catholic" would have little to no meaning to me other than something that i could NOT be and get my way.  "my way" being hurting everyone who i think hurt me. 


if this is important to you and to her father, by all means say so.  let her know that you wish she'd made a different choice.  but accept that this is her choice (and it seems like a not awesome one if the racism you're talking about is legit).  she hates everyone, everyone, everyone.  because she also loves you.  accepting her is your best weapon.

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 12:50:33 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

And when I said non Catholics wouldn't understand, I didn't mean it to be disrespectful or discount your advice. I was referring the catholic guilt.

This Catholic thinks Catholic guilt is overrated.  Of course I no longer attend mass because I have significant disagreement over how the men are running the Church, so I stopped going.  God and I are fine, it's the building I have turned away from.  And that's actually fine with my very Catholic mother, she respects that the Church she grew up with isn't for me today. 

And that's what you and your husband need to realize and accept and support her in.  Your church does NOT work for her.  She has found one that she thinks does. 

The most I would say is "We didn't realize this is something you were considering or had decided on.
 I wish you would have told us sooner about your baptism so we could have been there to support you."

And then maybe ask her some questions about how she arrived at this decision, what she likes about this church/religion and maybe asked to attend a service with her one day so you can experience it with her.  But not in an "OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" way, in a "we genuinely want to know more about this because we love you."

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:44:56 GMT -5 auntie said:

But I'm confused.

The Roman Catholic Church typically practices newborn baptism except for those choosing to convert. Any instruction required for the baptism of a child falls on the parents and godparents of the child. Surely, some time in the past 13 years, y
our DH could have made the arrangements to have at least this part done. 

I would expect a sympathetic priest would streamline the sort of instruction she would need to qualify to receive Communion. When I married the first time, my ex asked about me converting, his priest friend who married us would have accepted my UCC baptism and allowed me to study on my own prior to receiving the sacraments of First Holy Communion and Confirmation. IRL, I know a number of parents of kids with special needs who chose to work with their parish priests to "homeschool" religious education.

His ex wife didn't live up to her promise to raise the children catholic, yet another reason they are no longer married

She had custody amd refused to let them attend church with him and his family.  When we got custody of them, we practically begged the church to let's us homeschool them or somehow fast track the process they refused to work with us.  We are in the process of moving and hopefully finding another parish

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 13:46:30 GMT -5 VeryViolet said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5 psychmom said:

Honest question: what do you mean you don't get a do over? Are you not allowed to be baptized Catholic once you've been baptized elsewhere? I'm not Catholic but have been planning on eventually converting for dh.

This is what rubs me the wrong way with the OP's tone. You don't need a do over because the Catholic Church recognizes most Christian baptisms. So if you want to convert you get what just me personally not the church thinks is a bigger sacrament, confirmation. You willfully as an adult agree to be catholic not a baptism that for most Catholics occurs when they are infants.

Seriously the church has spent a long time moving away from this "we are right and you will burn in hell if you are any other denomination and lord help you if you aren't Christian" mentality. At least my conservative childhood parish is not that way anymore. My mom tells a much different story of growing up in the same parish. But it is that close minded thought that probably turns off many people.

This exactly. "We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins". That's referring to the fact that all Christians are saved, not just Catholic ones. The church is way more open and accepting than the OP's reaction would lead you to believe. I never once heard anything about Catholics being the only religion that saves in my 13 years of Catholic education.

[auntie]

Mar 31, 2013 13:51:01 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:44:56 GMT -5 auntie said:

But I'm confused.

The Roman Catholic Church typically practices newborn baptism except for those choosing to convert. Any instruction required for the baptism of a child falls on the parents and godparents of the child. Surely, some time in the past 13 years, y
our DH could have made the arrangements to have at least this part done. 

I would expect a sympathetic priest would streamline the sort of instruction she would need to qualify to receive Communion. When I married the first time, my ex asked about me converting, his priest friend who married us would have accepted my UCC baptism and allowed me to study on my own prior to receiving the sacraments of First Holy Communion and Confirmation. IRL, I know a number of parents of kids with special needs who chose to work with their parish priests to "homeschool" religious education.

His ex wife didn't live up to her promise to raise the children catholic, yet another reason they are no longer married

She had custody amd refused to let them attend church with him and his family.  When we got custody of them, we practically begged the church to let's us homeschool them or somehow fast track the process they refused to work with us.  We are in the process of moving and hopefully finding another parish

When I married the first time. In a Roman Catholic ceremony- I was not required to promise to raise my child in that faith. I suspect his first wife wasn't either. Only to bring up any children to love and respect the Church.

[MWOS]

I'm surprised your SD hasn't called Dad out on being divorced, since that's so frowned upon in the eyes of the Church. If Catholicism is so important to him, then it seems a wee bit hypocritical. I mean, to a 13 year old, of course.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:51:04 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

This exactly. "We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins". That's referring to the fact that all Christians are saved, not just Catholic ones. The church is way more open and accepting than the OP's reaction would lead you to believe. I never once heard anything about Catholics being the only religion that saves in my 13 years of Catholic education.

This exactly and when I say she doesn't get a do over I mean that we will never see her get baptized, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, father, mother, siblings all missed it.  That moment is gone forever

and yes I believe one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, which is why I am sad she didn't discuss this with us and let us know so we could at least be there, even if we don't agree with her choice

[montereybride]

Mar 31, 2013 13:56:54 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:51:04 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

This exactly. "We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins". That's referring to the fact that all Christians are saved, not just Catholic ones. The church is way more open and accepting than the OP's reaction would lead you to believe. I never once heard anything about Catholics being the only religion that saves in my 13 years of Catholic education.

This exactly and when I say she doesn't get a do over I mean that we will never see her get baptized, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, father, mother, siblings all missed it.  That moment is gone forever

and yes I believe one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, which is why I am sad she didn't discuss this with us and let us know so we could at least be there, even if we don't agree with her choice

There is no reason why you can't express this to her. But you have to frame it as being sad that you missed an important moment in HER life and that you would have loved to have been there to support HER and HER choice and commitment to HER faith.

[ggirl]

Mar 31, 2013 13:56:54 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:51:04 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

This exactly. "We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins". That's referring to the fact that all Christians are saved, not just Catholic ones. The church is way more open and accepting than the OP's reaction would lead you to believe. I never once heard anything about Catholics being the only religion that saves in my 13 years of Catholic education.

This exactly and when I say she doesn't get a do over I mean that we will never see her get baptized, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, father, mother, siblings all missed it.  That moment is gone forever

and yes I believe one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, which is why I am sad she didn't discuss this with us and let us know so we could at least be there, even if we don't agree with her choice

I'm sorry, is this about you and your family or her? So they missed the moment, oh well. Again, this is not that big of a deal. I'm sure at 13 she is not thinking about who can see her get baptized. 

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 13:56:54 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:51:04 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

This exactly. "We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins". That's referring to the fact that all Christians are saved, not just Catholic ones. The church is way more open and accepting than the OP's reaction would lead you to believe. I never once heard anything about Catholics being the only religion that saves in my 13 years of Catholic education.

This exactly and when I say she doesn't get a do over I mean that we will never see her get baptized, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, father, mother, siblings all missed it.  That moment is gone forever

and yes I believe one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, which is why I am sad she didn't discuss this with us and let us know so we could at least be there, even if we don't agree with her choice

Holy crap. I don't believe for a second that you would have been supportive of this and "just wanted to be there" based on your reaction to this and other threads. 

You've gotten great advice to use this as an opportunity to be supportive of her and show her that you care about and support HER decisions. And that you're happy she's decided to become a Christian. Seriously, a lot of teen parents would find that to be a good day.  

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 13:48:28 GMT -5 cville said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:41:39 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Her mother was opposed to i

if this is important to you and to her father, by all means say so.  let her know that you wish she'd made a different choice.  but accept that this is her choice (and it seems like a not awesome one if the racism you're talking about is legit).  she hates everyone, everyone, everyone.  because she also loves you.  accepting her is your best weapon.

The racism is legit, this is a church in rural georgia.  Blacks go to one church, whites to the other.  

[cheeseandcrackers]

the more i read this the worse i feel for the sd

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 14:04:38 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:56:54 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

This exactly and when I say she doesn't get a do over I mean that we will never see her get baptized, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, father, mother, siblings all missed it.  That moment is gone forever

and yes I believe one baptism for the forgiveness of sins, which is why I am sad she didn't discuss this with us and let us know so we could at least be there, even if we don't agree with her choice

Holy crap. I don't believe for a second that you would have been supportive of this and "just wanted to be there" based on your reaction to this and other threads. 

I would have sucked it up and gone, I have done much worse for those kids.  I sat between her mother and grandmother at a school event once, that was interesting to day the least

[speckledfrog]

Here is what I understand: This is super important to you. You feel like she is using it to hurt you. She manipulated the situation to block you from her decision. This is very hurtful.

Here is what most of us want you to take away from this post: It's okay (and understandable) to be disappointed, but this is her decision to make. You know that teens need to assert their independence from their parents. She, for one reason or another, has chosen to assert herself in this manner. The way you react to her now will set a tone for what comes in the future. Reflect on this. Pray for guidance if you'd like, and then talk to YH about how to support her and respect her right to make choices that differ from your own.

[montereybride]

Mar 31, 2013 14:11:41 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Here is what I understand: This is super important to you. You feel like she is using it to hurt you. She manipulated the situation to block you from her decision. This is very hurtful.

Here is what most of us want you to take away from this post: It's okay (and understandable) to be disappointed, but this is her decision to make. You know that teens need to assert their independence from their parents. She, for one reason or another, has chosen to assert herself in this manner. The way you react to her now will set a tone for what comes in the future. Reflect on this. Pray for guidance if you'd like, and then talk to YH about how to support her and respect her right to make choices that differ from your own.

I want to like this more than once.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 14:12:48 GMT -5 montereybride said:

Mar 31, 2013 14:11:41 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Here is what I understand: This is super important to you. You feel like she is using it to hurt you. She manipulated the situation to block you from her decision. This is very hurtful.

Here is what most of us want you to take away from this post: It's okay (and understandable) to be disappointed, but this is her decision to make. You know that teens need to assert their independence from their parents. She, for one reason or another, has chosen to assert herself in this manner. The way you react to her now will set a tone for what comes in the future. Reflect on this. Pray for guidance if you'd like, and then talk to YH about how to support her and respect her right to make choices that differ from your own.

I want to like this more than once.


Me too

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2013 14:07:41 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 14:04:38 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

Holy crap. I don't believe for a second that you would have been supportive of this and "just wanted to be there" based on your reaction to this and other threads. 

I would have sucked it up and gone, I have done much worse for those kids.  I sat between her mother and grandmother at a school event once, that was interesting to day the least

You sound like such a martyr.

Why would she want you there when she knows you are just sucking it up and sulking the whole time? Do you like spending time with people who are just "sucking it up and dealing with it?" I sure as hell don't. I would be pissed if my parents came to a life event because they felt obligated and they truly weren't happy for me. She may be 13, but she's old enough to know when an adult is feeding her a line if bullshit. I'd leave your ass at home also.

[papie]

This is the weirdest thread in a looooong time.

[fryjack2]

I hear they sell chocolate crosses now. Maybe give her one and give her a hug?

In seriousness, Montery has given you good advice. I also suggest having a drink to relax a bit. Your church sounds very stressful.

[psychmom]

Mar 31, 2013 13:46:30 GMT -5 VeryViolet said:

Mar 31, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5 psychmom said:

Honest question: what do you mean you don't get a do over? Are you not allowed to be baptized Catholic once you've been baptized elsewhere? I'm not Catholic but have been planning on eventually converting for dh.

This is what rubs me the wrong way with the OP's tone. You don't need a do over because the Catholic Church recognizes most Christian baptisms. So if you want to convert you get what just me personally not the church thinks is a bigger sacrament, confirmation. You willfully as an adult agree to be catholic not a baptism that for most Catholics occurs when they are infants.

Seriously the church has spent a long time moving away from this "we are right and you will burn in hell if you are any other denomination and lord help you if you aren't Christian" mentality. At least my conservative childhood parish is not that way anymore. My mom tells a much different story of growing up in the same parish. But it is that close minded thought that probably turns off many people.

Yes. Its like shes saying this decision shes making at thirteen years old is damming her to an eternity in hell. There's no going back. If that actually were the case, why in the world would you want to associate yourself with an organization like that?

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 14:29:23 GMT -5 frkls said:

i haven't read all five pages of this, but i wanted to point out that in your OP you said that you have not put her in relgious education classes because of your visitation schedule. therefore, you broke your own vows. you're not raising her catholic. you're doing the best you can, but you didn't hold up your end of the deal.

No they are in religious ed classes, but due to their mothers visitation it is taking forever to complete them.  The children's baptism/first communion/confirmation class is every weekend for 2 years when they can only go one weekend a month it will take a couple of more years for them to complete it