Sd saga continues

[StormyDixon]

We are catholic, we have raised the children catholic.  The only reason they haven't been baptized/first communion yet is that with the crazy visitation schedule doesn't allow them to complete their religious education classes required to do as such.  We have been working with the church for 3 years now but it takes time.

court order clearly states father has all decision making authority for education, medical and religious decisions.  

her maternal grandmother attends a Protestant church and sd goes with her on occasion.  This morning sd sends a text via her mothers phone saying "I am getting baptized today in grand mommys church, and there is nothing you or mommy can do to stop me". She is clearly doing this as an act of rebellion 

As a catholic mother I am very upset by this, her father is internalizing it, but I can tell it has ruined his Easter.  I guess we could have gone to the Archdiocese and asked for an emergeny waiver, but we really didn't think it would be necessary.  If you are not catholic you may not understand and that is cool.   Of course we can't let her know we are hurt, she will see that as winning, but we can't let her think it is ok either.  We are torn

[MWOS]

Raised Catholic, named MARY FRANCES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

and at 13 is when I checked out of the religion. I mean, she's using Faith as a weapon, which is wrong, but it's also par for the course. But you cannot force her to be Catholic and follow the beliefs of the Church. This is what happens when children grow up and have to think on their own and make their own decisions.

[kcr1972]

She wants a reaction from you. Religion is not something you can force her to decide on at this age. Pick your battles. Also chances are at 15 unless she is very religious the baptism won't mean a thing to her next week.

[spitforspat]

I'm really sorry for your struggles. And I can't really relate because I'm an atheist, and I don't have a stepmom or stepdaughter.

But, that being said. I think you're making too much of this. You should support her religious exploration. When I was 13 I suddenly decided I wanted to go to church. My non-religious parents went to a dozen different churches with me while I explored.

Why not discuss the different aspects if the religions with her- and focus on what is similar and the major undertones?

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:32:19 GMT -5 MWOS said:

Raised Catholic, named MARY FRANCES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

and at 13 is when I checked out of the religion. I mean, she's using Faith as a weapon, which is wrong, but it's also par for the course. But you cannot force her to be Catholic and follow the beliefs of the Church. This is what happens when children grow up and have to think on their own and make their own decisions.

I agree with all of this, especially "She's using faith as a weapon". Which to means her baptism means nothing.  I am just sad that if or when she comes around she doesn't get a do aver
pp.s.  have you read any of my other posts?

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:32:29 GMT -5 kcr1972 said:

She wants a reaction from you. Religion is not something you can force her to decide on at this age. Pick your battles. Also chances are at 15 unless she is very religious the baptism won't mean a thing to her next week.

I know which breaks my heart.  Btw she is 13 not 15

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:33:38 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I'm really sorry for your struggles. And I can't really relate because I'm an atheist, and I don't have a stepmom or stepdaughter.

But, that being said. I think you're making too much of this. You should support her religious exploration. When I was 13 I suddenly decided I wanted to go to church. My non-religious parents went to a dozen different churches with me while I explored.

Why not discuss the different aspects if the religions with her- and focus on what is similar and the major undertones?

Snce you are not catholic you don't understand.  That is part of our wedding vows to raise our children catholic.

[MWOS]

Yes, I've read them. I think some things she's doing are just normal teenage stuff. Exploring faith and religion is a totally normal part of being a teenager. And so is trying to identify things you can do that give you power over your parents.

[spitforspat]

Mar 31, 2013 11:36:04 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:33:38 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I'm really sorry for your struggles. And I can't really relate because I'm an atheist, and I don't have a stepmom or stepdaughter.

But, that being said. I think you're making too much of this. You should support her religious exploration. When I was 13 I suddenly decided I wanted to go to church. My non-religious parents went to a dozen different churches with me while I explored.

Why not discuss the different aspects if the religions with her- and focus on what is similar and the major undertones?

Snce you are not catholic you don't understand.  That is part of our wedding vows to raise our children catholic.

Yeah. I couldn't possibly understand. Better just discount my advice.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:36:06 GMT -5 luckydog said:

I have no advice, because it sounds like you know she is looking for a reaction and is using something important to you against you. So all I have to offer are hugs and hair pets.

Exactly, I am not looking for religious advice, we are catholic, educating the children in other religions is not an option.  I am asking I guess for how to deal with this choice she made and what happens when we face her this evening

[MWOS]

Well, I can tell you that your United Front against her newfound beliefs (whether they are real or just a powerplay) is a sure fire way to show her that the Church is A Thing Which Must Not Be Questioned. Which, as you may know, doesn't go over real well with teenagers.

[Deleted]

You are giving her way too much emotional power over you.

[kcr1972]

Mar 31, 2013 11:35:12 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:32:29 GMT -5 kcr1972 said:

She wants a reaction from you. Religion is not something you can force her to decide on at this age. Pick your battles. Also chances are at 15 unless she is very religious the baptism won't mean a thing to her next week.

I know which breaks my heart.  Btw she is 13 not 15

oh sorry. I know its hard but at that age 13 is hard regardless if the mother role is stepmom or bioligical. I gave my mom and stepmom equal hell lol. Its obvious you love her and want it to be better but until she is old enough to understand its going to be tough. Don't give in but make it clear that you will be there and let her decide when she is ready to stop being a jerk.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:39:36 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

I doubt the court order allows for her father to choose her religion for her

Even though I'm sure this is more of a power play than anything else.....have you considered that perhaps she actually doesn't want to be Catholic and might prefer the other church?

It is in the court order, "father has primary and physical custody with all decision making authority over mother in regards to legal, medical, education and religious matters."

we have that part memorized because we have had to produce it in educational and medical matters

[gretchenindisguise]

Mar 31, 2013 11:33:38 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I'm really sorry for your struggles. And I can't really relate because I'm an atheist, and I don't have a stepmom or stepdaughter.

But, that being said. I think you're making too much of this. You should support her religious exploration. When I was 13 I suddenly decided I wanted to go to church. My non-religious parents went to a dozen different churches with me while I explored.

Why not discuss the different aspects if the religions with her- and focus on what is similar and the major undertones?

I did the same thing starting at 12. My parents dutifully dropped me off at church every Sunday even though they were completely atheist. When I decided to get baptized, my mom swallowed her fear of burning for crossing the church threshold and gifted me a small gold cross in celebration. When I converted to Catholicism, again - they were there. 

fwiw - my methodist baptism counted for the Catholics. 

[lime]

As someone who was raised by catholics and later left the faith, I have to say that it's unrealistic and selfish to say that her rejecting your faith is affecting your marriage vows.

I've read your other posts regarding her and I have a lot of sympathy for you on those points. But, stop making this baptism about you. It isn't, she's 13 and she's struggling. And you are giving her way too much power over you.

[gretchenindisguise]

Mar 31, 2013 11:44:12 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:39:36 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

I doubt the court order allows for her father to choose her religion for her

Even though I'm sure this is more of a power play than anything else.....have you considered that perhaps she actually doesn't want to be Catholic and might prefer the other church?

It is in the court order, "father has primary and physical custody with all decision making authority over mother in regards to legal, medical, education and religious matters."

we have that part memorized because we have had to produce it in educational and medical matters

Court orders cannot force someone to be religious. Sorry. 

[VeryViolet]

Mar 31, 2013 11:37:34 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:36:06 GMT -5 luckydog said:

I have no advice, because it sounds like you know she is looking for a reaction and is using something important to you against you. So all I have to offer are hugs and hair pets.

Exactly, I am not looking for religious advice, we are catholic, educating the children in other religions is not an option.  I am asking I guess for how to deal with this choice she made and what happens when we face her this evening

You have educated her catholic but you can't force her to choose the religion you want. I was raised catholic, went to catholic school, had all my sacraments and I now go to church maybe once a year, it happens. Was she baptized as a baby in a Catholic Church? If yes I am pretty sure that is the one the church "counts" and if not all the church wants is you baptized if she decides to be catholic at any point. My dad just converted and didn't get baptized again because he was baptized Methodist as a kid. As far as your reaction you really need to relax and not confront this in an angry way she will just rebel more. She is looking for a rise don't give her one. Instead talk to her about her beliefs and tell her about yours.

[spitforspat]

I feel more and more sorry for your stepdaughter every time you post.

It's like you want to fight with her.

[StormyDixon]

You ladies who say I am making too much of this, are any of you catholic? Also, you all do realize that nothing has been said to her yet, I am just here expressing my feelings in a safe manner without exposing her?

I am hoping someone out there has been in my position can give some advice other than discounting my feelings?

[studytime45]

Mar 31, 2013 11:44:12 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:39:36 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

I doubt the court order allows for her father to choose her religion for her

Even though I'm sure this is more of a power play than anything else.....have you considered that perhaps she actually doesn't want to be Catholic and might prefer the other church?

It is in the court order, "father has primary and physical custody with all decision making authority over mother in regards to legal, medical, education and religious matters."

we have that part memorized because we have had to produce it in educational and medical matters

That doesn't mean you can force a religion on her. It's her decision. She's not a baby anymore. She has choices, and she may make the wrong ones, but all you can do is guide her lovingly. No forcing. 

[MWOS]

Oh, why didn't you just say in your OP that you were only looking for someone to tell you what you wanted to hear, not actual thoughts and opinions?

[goaskalice]

I was raised catholic, but am now an atheist. I know my mom is disappointed, but you cannot control something as fundamental as religion. Of course she's using this as another way to get a reaction from you. At the same time I think you need to know that the advice you're getting from us is valid too. Yes, your vows say you will raise your children in the faith, and you've tried your best to do so. I think the fact that you're so upset by this is telling of why she may be rebelling in other aspects of her life as well. There is no controlling a teenager, there is guiding and loving, but 99.9% of them won't be controlled. The whole point of being a teenager is testing the boundaries so you can become a self sufficient adult.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:41 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I feel more and more sorry for your stepdaughter every time you post.

It's like you want to fight with her.

This is unfair!  I am coming here asking for advice so I can help my sd and dh without burdening either of them.  Part of it is also to vent, again so I don't burden my husband, girl friends, mother etc.  

if this is not the forum for that, I understand

i am caught in the middle of a battle between two people I love and I really don't know what to do.  I thought some ladies here perhaps have been in my shoes and could help

[VeryViolet]

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:47 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

You ladies who say I am making too much of this, are any of you catholic? Also, you all do realize that nothing has been said to her yet, I am just here expressing my feelings in a safe manner without exposing her?

I am hoping someone out there has been in my position can give some advice other than discounting my feelings?

Sorry I change my advice then, lock her in a convent that will teach her.

Look no one is discounting your feelings but she is 13 and rebelling because that is what 13 year olds do. You can't control everything she does. I get that it sucks for you and your husband and I am sorry for that. All anyone is saying is don't make this about your feelings when you talk to her.

[Deleted]

Oh, I didn't realize that only Catholics could possibly understand what you're going through. You should have mentioned that in your OP.

[gretchenindisguise]

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:47 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

You ladies who say I am making too much of this, are any of you catholic? Also, you all do realize that nothing has been said to her yet, I am just here expressing my feelings in a safe manner without exposing her?

I am hoping someone out there has been in my position can give some advice other than discounting my feelings?

Yes, I am Catholic. Or was, but I know all of the teachings.

I think you should go talk with your priest about this. I think you're giving a teenagers rebellion and religious exploration too much power. Even if she eventually chooses not to be catholic, you still haven't failed at your vows. Again - you cannot force someone to be religious. You can teach them and give them all of the information, but in the end - the decision rests with that individual. 

Also - please remember that decisions and choices we make for ourselves tend to be more salient to the person. Decisions and choices forced down our throats are often rejected and met with defensiveness. I'm just thinking that if you want her to be Catholic as your end goal - you may be going about it the wrong way. 

[spitforspat]

Mar 31, 2013 11:52:05 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 31, 2013 11:47:41 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

I feel more and more sorry for your stepdaughter every time you post.

It's like you want to fight with her.

This is unfair!  I am coming here asking for advice so I can help my sd and dh without burdening either of them.  Part of it is also to vent, again so I don't burden my husband, girl friends, mother etc.  

if this is not the forum for that, I understand

i am caught in the middle of a battle between two people I love and I really don't know what to do.  I thought some ladies here perhaps have been in my shoes and could help

You can absolutely vent. And you can get advice. But you should be thankful to the people who try to help you. Not just write them off.

[angelaa73]

I see no reason why you shouldn't let her know it hurt you. Why play games, like oh that means nothing at all Tra lalalal la. let her know. faith is a very personal decision, and she thinks she knows everything cuz she does, she's, like, 13!

[StormyDixon]

Yes Gretchen, I do think I need to talk to my priest, maybe it will help me get rid of the guilt and feelings of failure her father and I carry around