Post by sunshineray on Jun 10, 2013 23:38:30 GMT -5
I won't DD this. Flame away. I'm mad at H. For a lot of fucking reasons. I feel like he is way too close to my sister. She is more than 10 years younger but she did date H's best friend (and lied to me about it) about 6 years ago. I'm struggling now with whether to trust her with H or not. There's been a few times recently where she's been here after I've gone to bed (and been here when I woke up.) While I love and trust my husband, I am feeling a little iffy about this whole scenario. H has seen her naked (again with the boundary issues.) I just really didn't think that this would be an issue for us. He has also brought up us going to a swingers club and me sleeping with another guy in front of him. I've been divorced already, you're going to tell me this is doomed huh? I'm planning on bringing this up tomorrow. Boundaries, respect, all that jazz. Anything else? I'm listening..
Do you have reasons to distrust him or your sister (besides her dating your H's friend)? Could you ask her not to stay over anymore?
I think you definitely need to talk to him about it. I don't think it's doomed, because you don't even know if anything is going on. I do think it says something that you would even think something might be going on.
Have you talked to him about your sister? Why do you think things have happened between them? Sorry:( follow your gut
I'm with tators. Follow your gut. If you think there is something wrong, there likely is. It sounds like your unsure of the swinging stuff. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
"He has also brought up us going to a swingers club and me sleeping with another guy in front of him"
What the fuck? How foul. I have been married for 11 years but if my husband offered this idea up to me tonight I'd drop him by morning. I'm sorry but this says a lot about how he values (or does not) you.
I'm THAT chick who would immediately stalk his computer (checking out the history there, to see what he's been looking at lately), go through his phone (calls, emails, texts) to answer any suspicions I may have. Not only would I do that, but i HAVE done that. And...I found some pretty hurtful stuff (while we were dating, not married). I had a gut feeling, and it was right. At least when I confronted him, I had some evidence to back me up. I'm not saying this is the way to go. Talking is definitely a good idea since we're all adults and married now. For best results, make sure you begin your talk with a calm and sensitive tone...that way he won't feel attacked and lash out at you, leaving you with no real answers or comfort. Hope any of that helps.
There's an old saying "if you think they're doing it, they're doing it".
Your anger, distrust and judgement seem misplaced. Your sister may have inappropriate boundaries but your husband is the one who is potentially violating the vows he made to you and suggesting you break yours.
I think you should have a conversation with your H before you jump to the conclusion that he is sleeping with you sister. Write down the concerns you have with their relationship and ask him about it without being accusatory (to the extent possible) so he doesn't get defensive.
As for swinging - if you are not comfortable with it say no. If he doesn't accept that, divorce him. There is no real compromise here, as far as I can tell.
And FWIW - a lot of people happily swing and are happily married. Being a swinger =\= broken vows, FFS.
In what context did he see her naked? Is there anything else but her staying after you've gone to bed that's making you twitchy? Is it the first time he shows an interest in swinging?
I'm hoping it isn't doomed but it all depends on context really.
Post by saraandmichael on Jun 11, 2013 7:10:46 GMT -5
do you have a strained relationship with your sister? i'm having a tough time understanding why you think she would be interested in your husband (and why your husband would be interested in her).
it sounds to me like you have some self esteem issues going on, but that there is also something not quite right about your spouse (the whole swingers club thing is just odd to throw out there out of the blue if its not something you two have discussed having an interest in together).
i do think you need to harness your ire before trying to have a conversation about it with your husband. otherwise, it will just be one big unproductive anger fest.
I, too, would like to know the context of your sister being naked around him. Right now, we don't know if it's more of an innocent occurrence (i.e. accidentally walking in while showering/changing) or something more.
I agree with taking a step back and a lot of deep breaths and getting the facts in order before you talk to him.
But even setting all of that aside, the swinging thing - it sounds like you are not up for an "open" marriage and if so, you need to say so and either he gets on the same page or, sorry, I don't see any real hope for this relationship.
This is coming from a women who "thought" things were going on and did nothing. Well my intuition was bang on!! I would be checking his phone, computer, or even your sisters for that matter. YES IT IS WRONG, AND YOU SHOULD TRUST, but I would want some evidence to prove my point ( I hope you don't find anything) before they get a chance to delete anything.
The swinging thing is what would make me want to look, not just the feeling thing. Seeing he wants you to do something with someone else makes me think he has, wants to, or gets off on it. So shady shady shady is what I am saying. Protect yourself, and again women's intuition is a lot stronger than people think.
hugs to you and I hope if you look you find nothing and your suspicions are wrong. But red flags are all over this one.
My sister who is 10.5 years younger than me and 16 years younger than H lived with us for a year. He treats her like a little sister and I've never seen anything even remotely icky/flirty/sexual between them and the thought of it is cringe inducing. Your concerns, paired with your H's desire to swing (whole different can of worms, IMO) warrant a conversation or further review.
Omg, swinging in and of itself isn't necessarily shady. I'm not a swinger, but I know some who are perfectly lovely people and are very happy with the parameters of their relationship. It's a decision they made together, and it works for them. Let's not be puritans about it.
That said, if it's something OP's H sprung on her out of the blue and continues to pursue after she's clearly said no, he needs to knock it off.
This sister stuff, I dunno. I need more information. I'm curious about what's happened to make OP so distrustful of both her spouse and her sibling.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jun 11, 2013 8:48:33 GMT -5
Um, I hate to immediately jump to counseling, but really, your radar is going off, and it is not going off unnecessarily here. I would heartily suggest a real "Come to Jesus" talk with the husband about the state of affairs, and then a few follow up sessions with a trained professional.
I'm sorry OP. I hope you get an opportunity to talk things out with your H and that it goes well. Maybe counseling could help?
I sympathize about my sisters walking around barely clothed (bra/underwear or just a tiny towel) when we're all in my hometown visiting/staying with my parents. It makes my H super uncomfortable and my sisters don't even notice. FWIW we're all over 25 and all but one of my sisters is married.
sunshine, if you're willing, I'd like to get some background info on the relationship with your sister.
- why did she lie about dating your H's friend? - when/how did this come to light? - why is she spending so much time/sleeping over at your house? - why/how did your H see her naked and how did you find out about this?
I hope you can have a constructive conversation with your H about your concerns. There do seem to be boundary issues here. Whatever the nature of their relationship, if it's making you uncomfortable, you both need to address it.
The suggestion of swinging, well that's a whole other issue. But, really, if there are trust issues associated with him and your sister, then that can't even be on the table regardless of larger ideas/interests in that.
I'm a little confused. Do you have reason to mistrust either your sister or your husband? The fact that they hang out alone together after you've gone to bed in and of itself wouldn't set off any alarms to me, unless there's more to it.
In regards to the swinging stuff, is this something you guys have discussed before? I'd definitely be taken aback by it if H sprung that on me out of nowhere.
Just based on the limited info posted here, I don't know that I'd automatically jump to "he's screwing around w/ my sister." To me, the issue seems to be more related to the fact that he's engaging in this "relationship" (possibly flirtatious??) when you're not around and the whole deal just seems sort of frat-housey / immature. And in that vein, sort of disrepectful to you, who's clearly uncomfortable with the situation. On the other hand, it sounds like the real issue could be the relationship btwn you and your sister. Like the pp's, I'd also like to know if you think she's trustworthy (outside of her not telling the truth about a guy she dated - what - 6 years ago??)
sunshine, if you're willing, I'd like to get some background info on the relationship with your sister.
- why did she lie about dating your H's friend? - when/how did this come to light? - why is she spending so much time/sleeping over at your house? - why/how did your H see her naked and how did you find out about this?
I hope you can have a constructive conversation with your H about your concerns. There do seem to be boundary issues here. Whatever the nature of their relationship, if it's making you uncomfortable, you both need to address it.
The suggestion of swinging, well that's a whole other issue. But, really, if there are trust issues associated with him and your sister, then that can't even be on the table regardless of larger ideas/interests in that.
Sorry! I probably passed out after my initial post..
So, to clarify, she is more than 10 years younger than H, not me. And also that much younger than the guy friend she dated, which was probably more like three years ago, which isn't relevant to this story..
Anyway. I generally have a very good relationship with this sister. She is about 5 years younger than me, but growing up we were close and then she ultimately moved to my city to be near me. I would consider her my best friend.
She can be kind of shady, and a lying liar who lies. I love her though, and look past a lot of it because of that. I won't get into my suspicions of some other scenarios I think she's lied about, but other people have approached me to ask what I thought about certain things she's said. Sorry to be vague, it's just a long story and I don't want to put too much info out there.
Ok, so the naked thing. I know everyone is dying to hear this part. It all started with skinny dipping several years ago. I'm not sure H and I were engaged at that point. There'd been some drinks and we went to the pool late at night. I'm fairly certain it was his idea. Anyway, over the years he's kind of escalated it. (Asking both of us to send naked pictures, take naked pictures together, etc.) At this point, she will sometimes just send pictures without prompting. As far as I know he has never touched her. I have always felt pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing, and kind of dirty, but he obviously enjoys it. It's gotten to the point where he makes comments about how awesome I am because I'm so cool with this kind of stuff, not jealous, blah blah.
The swinger stuff is very new. He brought up for the first time maybe a few months ago. He suggested we go to some club just to "check it out." I agreed after he promised he didn't want to do anything. Oh, and it was going to be a night where people could go and be nude.. Anyway. I ended up getting sick that day (legitimately) and he was so mad that we couldn't go that he just shut down and hardly talked to me for like 2 days. I felt like he was really trying to make me feel guilty about it. It hasn't come up again since then really, and I am fine with that.
I know I have allowed this to go way too far. I will take my share of the blame for not speaking up a long time ago. I know I have to talk to him. I talked to my other sister on the phone for like two hours last night, and that was helpful since she knows our sister and myself very well. She had some great perspective and advice. I'm sad and angry and scared and defeated. It's just a clusterfuck of emotions right now.
H knows something is wrong, but I don't think he knows what. He came in our room a few times and saw me crying, but did not ask me what was wrong. He seemed legitimately concerned, but has not attempted to contact me today. I am definitely going to suggest counseling. Depending on his response I'll take it from there. Sorry for the novel. I hope I was able to answer everyone's questions and clarify a little. I appreciate all the support.