Post by thedutchgirl on Jun 13, 2013 7:49:37 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this. When is your first appointment with a therapist?
I understand the fantasy of him leaving. Given is manipulative nature, I expect that's pretty unlikely here. He's going to want to paint for the world this picture of him as the innocent, aggrieved party. You and we know the truth. Fuck everyone else. And it does sound like your one sister would support you and believe you that this whole thing is not ok.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 13, 2013 8:15:42 GMT -5
I'm going to call EAP again today, because she was supposed to email me a list of providers but I haven't gotten anything yet.
I slept on the couch last night. He sent me a text a little bit ago and just basically said we obviously need to talk about some stuff but that he does love me.
I'm going to call EAP again today, because she was supposed to email me a list of providers but I haven't gotten anything yet.
I slept on the couch last night. He sent me a text a little bit ago and just basically said we obviously need to talk about some stuff but that he does love me.
I'm drained...
Listen. I said this same thing on the very first day you posted. Somehow, for some reason, you have never developed the skills necessary to effectively communicate with your husband. And communication? It really is a skill, not just something that comes intuitively all of the time.
Don't try to talk to him about your issues right now. You're not able to explain to him what you're feeling and WHY you're so upset and he is taking advantage of that and manipulating you into backing down. REMEMBER THAT HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU.
Get a notebook or a journal or a stack of fucking napkins and start writing all of this down. Everything you put here. Hell, print out your posts from this thread.
When you meet with a counselor/therapist, TAKE THE NOTES WITH YOU. Tell her/him that you've not been able to explain to your H what the problem is in a way that he understands, so HERE is what is going on, and you'd like her/his help in figuring out how to communicate that.
When you feel weak? When you feel alone? When you feel like he isn't that bad? Remember that he knows your weaknesses and he is using them against you to continue taking advantage of you. And that's pretty fucking bad. You don't have to stay with a man who has no respect for you.
You are so strong for processing and acknowledging everything that is going on around you. I suspect that's why you have been crying so much is that you are letting out frustrations you haven't realized you've had for years.
If your H tries to talk to you before you're ready I would tell him that you're processing and dealing with a lot of things and the implications are serious. Hopefully he will respect that and you can have the conversation with him when you're ready.
I am the type of person that gets off topic and so frustrated during serious conversations like the one you will (inevitably) have to have, can you write down some of the most important things so he can't re-direct you into other areas of conversation? From what you've said about him it sounds like something he might try to do.
I hope you get into your therapy soon. You are strong and smart and now that you're realizing all of your strengths you will get yourself into a better place.
You've gotten some really good advice here. I just want to reiterate that you are strong enough to get through this and remember, YOU did nothing wrong here. Don't blame yourself or feel bad that you didn't bring anything up earlier regarding your H and your sister. The point is that you are NOW uncomfortable with it and that should be all that matters.
I called EAP, she is emailing me a list of providers.
dont worry about running out of sessions under the EAP. the way mine works is i get a set number under a certain category. so, say 6 for "stress". once i have run through all of them, then i can call and get another 6 under "marriage". i have found that everyone involved with the EAP is more than happy to work with you to get you what you need.
I will chime in here, most of the providers that works with our EAP will also offer reduced rates on their services after the EAP freebies run out. Or, they can refer you to someone else to take over your case that insurance will cover.
Do you carry a card for your H's insurance? Call them for details, they won't disclose to your H. Or even call his HR department, they will also not tell your H. (Our HR department has in the past helped spouses who were getting ready to separate from our employee, and gotten them what they need without notifying the employee, not saying this is your scenario, but just showing that you can have confidence in the HR department if you find a benefits specialist)
Post by wrathofkuus on Jun 14, 2013 6:25:40 GMT -5
Can you ask him to stay with a friend or a family member for a week or so, maybe just until after your first therapy appointment?
You know this is change-back pressure from him to get you to fall back in line and go along with whatever so that you don't cause a fight. You know that anyone you told what you told us wouldn't think you were the bad guy for leaving (anyone SANE, that is). You can know it, but not feel it, and that's normal, too.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jun 14, 2013 10:55:00 GMT -5
OP should've protected her younger sister? Dafuq??? So OP has an obligation to police her sister from sending her naked ass to her husband but the younger sister has NO obligation to protect her sister's marriage? Her own dignity?
That is fucked up.
Get out of this situation now, OP. This is not ethical non-monogamy. This is straight emotional infidelity at BEST.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
By law, anyone over 18 is entitled to privacy regarding their doctors and services received. There should be settings on your medical care provider's website that allow you to set your info to private or choose to share it with your H. You should not have to forgo needed/wanted care for fear of him knowing about it. Not sure if this point is still an issue, but it should not stop you from getting what you need.
OP should've protected her younger sister? Dafuq??? So OP has an obligation to police her sister from sending her naked ass to her husband but the younger sister has NO obligation to protect her sister's marriage? Her own dignity?
That is fucked up.
Get out of this situation now, OP. This is not ethical non-monogamy. This is straight emotional infidelity at BEST.
:^) Didn't read?
I was referring to the earlier poster who said the husband was a predator and the sis should've protected her. I completely and utterly disagree. Husband is a douchelord, but sis is a grown-up and has NO respect for the marriage.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I was referring to the earlier poster who said the husband was a predator and the sis should've protected her. I completely and utterly disagree. Husband is a douchelord, but sis is a grown-up and has NO respect for the marriage.
I was referring to the earlier poster who said the husband was a predator and the sis should've protected her. I completely and utterly disagree. Husband is a douchelord, but sis is a grown-up and has NO respect for the marriage.
I appreciate your passionate response. Unfortunately, since we've been discussing this for DAYS, this portion has absolutely been dissected and discredited.
I finally got the list today from EAP. I knew exactly who I wanted to schedule an appointment with after seeing it, since this therapist has been in our office on several occasions for seminars and such and I have always felt really comfortable with her.
I called the office and left a message, so hopefully they'll get back to me quickly and I'll be able to get in next week.
I finally got the list today from EAP. I knew exactly who I wanted to schedule an appointment with after seeing it, since this therapist has been in our office on several occasions for seminars and such and I have always felt really comfortable with her.
I called the office and left a message, so hopefully they'll get back to me quickly and I'll be able to get in next week.
I'm so glad there's someone you feel comfortable with. You mentioned earlier and in another post that you feel like you're lying to your H by not telling him what's wrong. I think it's perfectly fine to tell him that you're upset but that you are still processing and can't talk about it yet. Ask him to please respect your need for time. You deserve to have the time to work through your feelings. You aren't lying at all, so please don't beat yourself up over this.
I was referring to the earlier poster who said the husband was a predator and the sis should've protected her. I completely and utterly disagree. Husband is a douchelord, but sis is a grown-up and has NO respect for the marriage.
I appreciate your passionate response. Unfortunately, since we've been discussing this for DAYS, this portion has absolutely been dissected and discredited.
Sorry, I'm slow and got stuck there. Good luck finding a therapist!
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I was referring to the earlier poster who said the husband was a predator and the sis should've protected her. I completely and utterly disagree. Husband is a douchelord, but sis is a grown-up and has NO respect for the marriage.
Hey, like I said, I'm sorry. I got stuck on one response and was fired up. Feel free to rub your forehead at me all you want.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by sunshineray on Jun 14, 2013 22:22:23 GMT -5
Thank you. I've posted several times today on TIP and just haven't bothered to update over here. It's not pretty, but I think that in the long run it'll be good for me to know everything that's gone on. I'm sure there's tons more I don't know about, but I don't think I need to.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 14, 2013 22:37:03 GMT -5
Not yet. I just feel like I need something else to confirm. And if that's the case I want all my ducks in a row first. Because if it's true, he's fucking out of here.