Oh, and he's also sent/received pictures from another girl friend of mine. My life is seriously fucked up you guys... HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS BEFORE??
Whoever said I was in denial was pretty dead on. And no worries, I'm getting myself into counseling stat. I'm not even seriously considering leaving him. Maybe I'll feel differently after I talk to him/a therapist.
I deleted my last post, because I was worried it wasn't going to be helpful to you.
Listen, I think the MOST important thing is that right now you have decided what you are and are not ok with and you're learning to express that. It doesn't matter (for today!) that you haven't done that in the past. Agreeing (or not disagreeing) to something once doesn't mean you agree to it for life.
Please, really really do go to counseling. I think you need to learn to take care of yourself (physically and emotionally). ((hugs)) I'm sure this is really hard to be going through.
((sunshine ray)) I can only imagine the range of emotions you are dealing with, please get to a counselor and try to work through your next steps and choices. Please take care of yourself.
I don't know why everyone is mad at the sister. She may have been a minor when this started making her husband a predator and maybe she should have protected her sister better from this asshole.
Op this marriage is not worth saving.
OP's age according to her profile is 29, she said sister is 5 years younger, so 24. It sounds like the skinny dipping happened 3 years ago, which would make the sister 21. You could have at least tried to figure it out before blaming this on the OP
So she was all of 21 when she was plied with drinks and encouraged to get naked by her older sister's creepy boyfriend. Still sounds like something I would protect my sister from rather than take part in. Counseling for everyone!
Sunshine, you mentioned you spoke to your other sister about this. I'm curious what her response was, and how much she knew about prior to your conversation. I'm having such a hard time wrapping my head around how anyone can be okay with any of this (you, husband, sister(s)).
It sounds like you are starting to get some perspective, and I'm glad you are seeking counseling. Only you can decide what you want your life to be, but I really hope you can find the strength to make whatever changes you have to, even if it means ending relationships, so you can get the respect you deserve.
OP's age according to her profile is 29, she said sister is 5 years younger, so 24. It sounds like the skinny dipping happened 3 years ago, which would make the sister 21. You could have at least tried to figure it out before blaming this on the OP
So she was all of 21 when she was plied with drinks and encouraged to get naked by her older sister's creepy boyfriend. Still sounds like something I would protect my sister from rather than take part in. Counseling for everyone!
She wasn't 12. Jesus Christ. She was legally able to drink. We weren't wasted and as fucked up as this scenario is, I would never have encouraged her to do something she didn't want to do. So, get off your fucking high horse and stop making assumptions.
Post by partiallysunny on Jun 11, 2013 12:33:55 GMT -5
First, all of the "sister is shady" stuff should really read "husband is shady".
Second, I think divorce is the likely outcome here. I'm not going to knock swinging or anything like that. I'm just going to say it's obvious you and your H have two very different ideas of boundaries in a marriage and you've been going along with his ideas (while not agreeing with them) for FAR too long.
Third, I agree you need counseling. The fact that you have gone along with this and haven't spoken up... it makes me so sad. I hope you figure out that you are worth more.
Edit: I see you are going to counseling. Good luck! I wish you nothing but the best and I hope counseling helps you sort everything out.
Honest question, was your father around much when you girls were growing up?
It's very obvious to me that neither of you have much self esteem. I really hope you get some counceling. I hope your sister does too.
Is there something in the past that would maybe make you and your sister think you don't deserve better than this? You do. It's a little bit more than just your husband's interests being outside the mainstream. Involving your sister (and friends?) it just to much like playing puppet master. Don't waste time feeling stupid about the past, just take care of yourself now!
Kuus is right that this isn't about monogamy, it's about respect. And your H has precious little, nor does your sister. This is a nightmare. A shitstorm.
I'm so sorry. I hope that counseling helps you to realize that you deserve so much better than this, and that your subsequent relationships are ones where you feel comfortable making your feelings known from the jump.
So she was all of 21 when she was plied with drinks and encouraged to get naked by her older sister's creepy boyfriend. Still sounds like something I would protect my sister from rather than take part in. Counseling for everyone!
She wasn't 12. Jesus Christ. She was legally able to drink. We weren't wasted and as fucked up as this scenario is, I would never have encouraged her to do something she didn't want to do. So, get off your fucking high horse and stop making assumptions.
I'm not on a high horse, and I made no assumptions. This is what happened according to you. You're really not seeing what others see as far as appropriate behavior and boundaries.
Counseling. For you. ASAP. Not the marriage kind but the individual kind.
You need to spend some time focusing on you and why you allow yourself to be surrounded by people who are not good for you/to you. As well as figuring out why you think it is OK to have someone you call shady and a lying liar who lies as your BFF. This is not normal and definitely not healthy. You need to identify what happened to you in your past to make you think that these types of behaviors are OK. Because you do know that your sister sending your H naked photos is not normal right? That him asking for them is not normal (especially for ones of the 2 of you together)? That her escalating from sending them when asked to just randomly sending them is not normal?
I think you know, deep down, that your marriage is over. Between the inappropriate behavior of your H toward your sister, the possibility that they are having an physical or emotional affair, his wanting to explore the swinger lifestyle - all of which you are not comfortable with but you seem to go along with because you don't want to rock the boat - points to this not being a healthy relationship. Add your not wanting to make your own voice and wants heard and this is not a relationship that is headed in a positive direction.
Getting another divorce and, after counseling, ending up mentally and emotionally healthy? I would think that is worth it. Much better than spending the next however many years just going along to get along with whatever your H wants because that is easier than actually speaking up and getting what it is that you want.
Honest question, was your father around much when you girls were growing up?
It's very obvious to me that neither of you have much self esteem. I really hope you get some counceling. I hope your sister does too.
I suppose he was around as much as any other working parent. He wasn't an asshole, an alcoholic, drug addict, or any other awful thing. My mom was a bit of a loose cannon.
My other sister really didn't know anything about this until last night. And actually she was the one to sort of bring up their relationship after I mentioned something that seemed rather innocuous to me. Obviously, I'm too close to the situation to fully grasp what a mess it all is. She was able to point out things that I don't realize are manipulative. (Sister texted me Saturday not to look too amazing because she didn't feel like getting dressed up to go out, etc.)
H and I had lunch and he was all la de fucking dah, like he didn't know that I was on the phone with my sister for two fucking hours and that he walked in and saw me crying. I am mad at myself for being so passive and pretending like everything is fine, and I'm not raging on the inside. Obviously, lunch isn't a great time to bring it up, since we both have to work, but it felt like lying to not say anything.
Wait. Your sister sends naked pics of herself TO YOU as well?
Yeah.. I guess I didn't make that part super clear. The whole damn thing is a disaster/inappropriate/fucked up/offensive/abnormal.
yeah...
honestly this thread, and your reaction to this whole ordeal, makes me really, really sad for you.
the incestuous sharing of nude photos, the manipulation, the lack of response to you crying in your bedroom, the bulldozing over your feelings, your inability to communicate with your husband or "best friend"... it all is disgusting and abusive. the fact that it didn't cross your mind that this relationship needs to end pronto? holy hell.
Post by jojoandleo on Jun 11, 2013 12:39:15 GMT -5
You know what works really well with drunk 21 year olds? Telling them what to do. They always listen and easily comply. The sister totally could have put a stop to it all. i am sure she was completely sober and not at all influenced by her manipulative H. Seriously. Some of you need to STFU.
Leave him, get counseling, then sort out if you want a relationship with your sister. I can't tell you if she is an asshole, or if she is just as manipulated and controlled by your H as you are. The whole thing is not something I can understand. I would never send naked pictures to my BIL. Hell, I never send ANY pics to my BIL.
Ok, seriously guys, throwing out "I'm getting the vibe that your H is a pedophile and your daddy raped you..." is like, WAYYYY over the line here. Calm yourselves, can we?
Post by shopgirl07 on Jun 11, 2013 12:49:04 GMT -5
I'm not trying to shame you, I'm trying to IMPLORE you to get help. And tell your therapist everything.
The fact that your sister also sends you nude pics is so far beyond acceptable human behavior. The fact that this didn't occur to you is so, so troublesome. You need serious help. And so does your sister. Your relationship is incestuous.
I have to ask, are you guys planning for kids in the future?
Fair question. Long answer? I have an DD from my previous marriage. H and I have discussed having one together. We recently decided to wait until maybe next year to try. A few weeks ago I decided (mentally) that I don't want any. I have not said this to H because I guess I didn't see the point. Maybe I have already mentally checked out of this marriage and just didn't realize it. We aren't having much sex and I'm kind of over it.
And I know I'm about to catch a lot more shit about what kind of parent I am. Honestly, save it. My H is not a fucking deviant. Any sexual shit (appropriate or not) is away from DD. Just like we wouldn't have sex in front of her, she isn't exposed to any of this either.
I know I sound like every other abused woman when I say this, but for all his faults my H isn't an asshole. He does asshole things, sure. On the surface, and to everyone else, he is a stand up guy who has his shit together. You would never ever know that this kind of shit goes on.
Ok, seriously guys, throwing out "I'm getting the vibe that your H is a pedophile and your daddy raped you..." is like, WAYYYY over the line here. Calm yourselves, can we?
For real, people.
sunshine, you are in a dysfunctional situation. There are a lot of different issues to sort through, and I am glad to hear that you're going to seek out a professional's help to start to sort them out. Know that you are not alone, you're not broken beyond repair and you're not the dysfunction that you've been living in. You're more and you deserve more.
I'm not trying to shame you, I'm trying to IMPLORE you to get help. And tell your therapist everything.
The fact that your sister also sends you nude pics is so far beyond acceptable human behavior. The fact that this didn't occur to you is so, so troublesome. You need serious help. And so does your sister. Your relationship is incestuous.
She already said she is going to see a therapist, no IMPLORING nec
I am fully aware of how disgusting the whole situation is. I wish I could go back and say something when it started. I didn't, which is why I am accepting my share of the blame here.
This is so naive, since I've been around here long enough to know the answer already, but I didn't think about leaving over this. The picture thing doesn't happen constantly. She will sometimes just send one via text to both of us, so we both know we got it. I don't remember how exactly it started, it's been too long. I don't remember her being weirded out by it or anything. She used to live with us up until recently.
I wasn't really planning on talking to her. Yeah, it's idiotic of me to continue to refer to her as my best friend. I guess I can make this more fucked up and add that she has a boyfriend. He has no idea about any of this. She's had lots of boyfriends since all this started and I guarantee none of them have known. I mean, why the hell would you ever admit this to anyone...
OP, forget the husband, you and your sister need some intense therapy. Not saying this in a snarky way.
Why havent you consisdered leaving? Do you have some hope that if you can address these issues everything will be normal? Or are you just scared of being divorced, again, i take it?
Thats not snarky, either but since im new i thought id add the disclaimer.
Kind of this. No one ever plans on getting divorced. I don't want to let anyone down. I know I have shit I need to work through. It's very possible I'll stop caring so much about what other people think..
The armchair psychology/wild assumptions are disgusting and completely unhelpful.
Everyone agrees Sunshine needs personal counseling STAT. Most agree the marriage is not likely to be salvageable. Its up in the air as to whether the relationship with the sister is salvageable.
sunshineray - I hope you can get in to see a counselor ASAP. Just take that first step and hopefully they will be able to offer you professional help to figure out the next step(s) to take.