I have a sense of deja vu about the photo scenario. Perhaps I'm mistaken. If not and you were here posting about this a year or two ago when you all lived together, good for you for separating the living arrangements. I hope you can do what you need to get to a healthier, happier place.
Sunshine, you have done a great job listening and taking in the input you've been given. I wish you luck with all of this and with the counseling for yourself. I hope whatever decisions you make from here forward will bring you closer to happiness.
I have a sense of deja vu about the photo scenario. Perhaps I'm mistaken. If not and you were here posting about this a year or two ago when you all lived together, good for you for separating the living arrangements. I hope you can do what you need to get to a healthier, happier place.
That wasn't me, but we did all live together for several months up until about a month ago. I think the distance has helped, but I still see her several times a week which means H does too.
Sunshine, you have done a great job listening and taking in the input you've been given. I wish you luck with all of this and with the counseling for yourself. I hope whatever decisions you make from here forward will bring you closer to happiness.
Thanks polka. Apparently I'm good with constructive criticism!
Huge hugs, sunshineray. I have no more advice, since what you have been given seems to be sinking in. Please keep reminding yourself that you are worth more and deserve better than this.
Also, I'm mostly horrified at how many grown-ass women can't spell COUNSELING.
I am so sorry that you're going through this. I'm not surprised that things have gotten worse over time, because it seems like he's been grooming you for this since the beginning. It's really hard to see how fucked up something is when you're in the middle of it - kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I'm glad you're pursuing counseling. Divorce is inevitable. Get your affairs in order.
Oh, and he's also sent/received pictures from another girl friend of mine. My life is seriously fucked up you guys... HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS BEFORE??
Whoever said I was in denial was pretty dead on. And no worries, I'm getting myself into counseling stat. I'm not even seriously considering leaving him. Maybe I'll feel differently after I talk to him/a therapist.
I am just so so so sorry. I feel very sad for you and your situation. You deserve 10000000 times better. I hope you can get help.
Hey, good luck. And don't beat yourself up over not saying no or not seeing how crazy this all is - it's the nature of the beast that with a guy like this, things get weird along a continuum until you no longer are able to tell what is and isn't acceptable. It can happen to pretty much anyone.
This is what I came in here to say, but Kuus said it much better.
Sunshineray, you're already well on your way to healing. Hell, I know you're in control here because you didn't mouth off to some of the posters in this thread who rightfully deserved it. Right now you couldn't be doing it any better than you are, and that's what matters from here on out.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 11, 2013 20:08:05 GMT -5
I really appreciate the encouragement. Most everyone has been helpful or at least insightful. I received some very nice PMs as well apologizing for possibly offending me. I kind of avoided being home after work. I hate just pretending that I'm fine, now that I realize how not fine I am. This sort of feels like lying. I think I will go to some counseling sessions before discussing anything with H. I don't feel emotionally equipped at this point to do it on my own..
Really no reason to get defensive. I was merely wondering if maybe you act on board with this guy and then chickened out but you say you didn't. It sounds like you feel like you are lucky to have him.
Believe me I think everyone has been in some relationship where we go along with things we dont' want to to keep the peace or make someone else happy. that is what I was getting at.
I think you are smart to try counseling. Good luck!
What? How exactly does she imply that she feels lucky to have him? I'm not following this line of thought Sloan. Enlighten?
I was wondering why she was still with him does she feel lucky to have him. she mentions a bad divorce etc. I was just asking if she felt that way and was that why she allowed some of the stuff that she allowed to take place.
Really no reason to get defensive. I was merely wondering if maybe you act on board with this guy and then chickened out but you say you didn't. It sounds like you feel like you are lucky to have him.
Believe me I think everyone has been in some relationship where we go along with things we dont' want to to keep the peace or make someone else happy. that is what I was getting at.
I think you are smart to try counseling. Good luck!
There's just something about you referring to my husband as "this guy" that rubs me the wrong way. I have discussed far worse things today, and have no reason to make up reasons as to why I didn't go to the club that night. But thanks for that.
I apologize. I have a very close friend that is in a similar situation (no sister involved) that maybe I projected that onto you. Please accept my apology
I will admit that I stopped reading after a few pages originally. I have continued to read on and I am sorry.. I shouldn't have said what I did. I am sorry OP.
ETA: I originally read the first six pages. I stopped after that. and now I have read it all. i was out of line. I am sorry
I am so sorry that you're going through this. I'm not surprised that things have gotten worse over time, because it seems like he's been grooming you for this since the beginning. It's really hard to see how fucked up something is when you're in the middle of it - kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I'm glad you're pursuing counseling. Divorce is inevitable. Get your affairs in order.
Jermys is wise.
((Hugs)) You are doing awesome, and making great first steps.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 12, 2013 10:11:09 GMT -5
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
But THIS thing is not healthy and it's not ok and it's not something you can live with. Just because someone doesn't physically assault you doesn't mean that they're a good partner. Please continue to work this out in therapy.
No. No one is overreacting. This is SO wrong. It easier when an abuser is outwardly horrible and everyone can see it. That isn't the case here. Please listen to Inara - she has been exactly where you have. She knows.
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
But THIS thing is not healthy and it's not ok and it's not something you can live with. Just because someone doesn't physically assault you doesn't mean that they're a good partner. Please continue to work this out in therapy.
Oh, I know. I am mad at me too, because I feel like I'm too smart for this shit. I KNOW better than this, especially having been through it before. I'm so angry that I allowed it happen again, just in a different form. This behavior (mine, his, my sister's) is the opposite of healthy. I have spent many many hours at this point thinking about what I am going to do, how I'm going to approach it, etc. I know I am strong enough to leave. I've done it before and can do it again.
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
You are so.not. overreacting. A "thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person" would not look at naked pics of his wife's sister. Period.
You're not overreacting. It may be only one thing, but it's a really, really huge thing. Your sister. Your friend. Punishing you for not wanting to go along with things anymore. Not making any attempt to comfort you when he saw you crying. This all boils down to him having absolutely no respect for you. All of the marriage counseling in the world isn't going to change that. The very fact that he thinks that this is ok, regardless if you didn't speak up, speaks volumes about the kind of person he is.
Sunshine, I think it's natural to feel a whole range of emotions when faced with people dissecting your life and relationship, even if you did bring it up. That said, just yesterday, you read a description of abuse and its characteristics, and it brought you to tears because it hit too close to home. Somewhere, even if it's subconsciously, you know that this is not ok. Wanting to examine that more and seek counseling is not over-reacting. I really hope you continue with that plan.
No. No one is overreacting. This is SO wrong. It easier when an abuser is outwardly horrible and everyone can see it. That isn't the case here. Please listen to Inara - she has been exactly where you have. She knows.
Any luck finding a therapist?
I am looking as we speak. My health insurance is through H's job, so I'm debating using my work EAP. But I don't know how that would work once my free sessions are up. I am also concerned with him being able to log in and see any info about my appointments and all that. Tell me I'm being paranoid?
Also, he was freaked a month or two ago when I went to my PCP and was given a Rx for Adderall. He also did not react well when I said I was considering individual therapy for some other shit I've been dealing with. His first question about the meds and therapy was "How much is that gonna cost?" So yeah..
But THIS thing is not healthy and it's not ok and it's not something you can live with. Just because someone doesn't physically assault you doesn't mean that they're a good partner. Please continue to work this out in therapy.
Oh, I know. I am mad at me too, because I feel like I'm too smart for this shit. I KNOW better than this, especially having been through it before. I'm so angry that I allowed it happen again, just in a different form. This behavior (mine, his, my sister's) is the opposite of healthy. I have spent many many hours at this point thinking about what I am going to do, how I'm going to approach it, etc. I know I am strong enough to leave. I've done it before and can do it again.
Yes, you ARE strong enough. And please try not to beat yourself up too much. Extricating yourself from this marriage and this situation is going to be emotionally tough and you're going to have a lot of ups and downs and good days and bad days. But you will come out stronger and better and happier, it will just take time. Hang in there.
No. No one is overreacting. This is SO wrong. It easier when an abuser is outwardly horrible and everyone can see it. That isn't the case here. Please listen to Inara - she has been exactly where you have. She knows.
Any luck finding a therapist?
I am looking as we speak. My health insurance is through H's job, so I'm debating using my work EAP. But I don't know how that would work once my free sessions are up. I am also concerned with him being able to log in and see any info about my appointments and all that. Tell me I'm being paranoid?
Also, he was freaked a month or two ago when I went to my PCP and was given a Rx for Adderall. He also did not react well when I said I was considering individual therapy for some other shit I've been dealing with. His first question about the meds and therapy was "How much is that gonna cost?" So yeah..
.... <----- terrible things written about your H, now erased and re-thought out. Suffice it to say, I want to throat punch him. A LOT.
Do not worry about what he thinks/wants right now. Use your EAP. Its what it is there for. Worry about the "now what" after your free sessions. Speak to the counselor about that aspect.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 12, 2013 10:34:04 GMT -5
THERE ARE SO MANY KINDS OF THERAPISTS!! I have no idea what I'm looking for. Someone who specializes in sexual/marriage issues? I feel like that may be more geared towards couples. Just a "licensed professional counselor?"
There are just way too many options and I am overwhelmed.
No. No one is overreacting. This is SO wrong. It easier when an abuser is outwardly horrible and everyone can see it. That isn't the case here. Please listen to Inara - she has been exactly where you have. She knows.
Any luck finding a therapist?
I am looking as we speak. My health insurance is through H's job, so I'm debating using my work EAP. But I don't know how that would work once my free sessions are up. I am also concerned with him being able to log in and see any info about my appointments and all that. Tell me I'm being paranoid?
Also, he was freaked a month or two ago when I went to my PCP and was given a Rx for Adderall. He also did not react well when I said I was considering individual therapy for some other shit I've been dealing with. His first question about the meds and therapy was "How much is that gonna cost?" So yeah..
I would start with your EAP and go from there, just so you get this ball rolling without extra obstacles. If you don't want to use his insurance, whoever you see through EAP might have suggestions, maybe programs for assistance? idk.
I hope you can see how just these descriptions about the Rx and you seeking therapy completely contradict with your image of him as considerate and generous, too.
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
This swing of emotions and self doubt are totally normal. he has trained you to doubt your own feelings and emotions. he has trained you that what you feel is wrong/unimportant. Focus on the fact that not ONE. SINGLE. PERSON. has said this is okay or normal. Not one person here thinks you are overreacting. This is 9 pages of people. nine. Your H is manipulative and charming, of course he is. The thing is, he is emotionally abusive. He treats you poorly when you don't want to perform certain sexual things, even if you have a legitimate reason. This is not okay. What if a man did that to your daughter? What would you tell her?
Even if he was a totally nice guy-and he thought you were okay with the sister pictures and friend pictures and swingers clubs-the fact is, you aren't. You are not okay with that, and that is okay. You cannot keep pretending you are because he doesn't hit you, or treats you well most of the time. You have to be comfortable sexually with your partner and you aren't. You shouldn't have to live feeling the way you feel.