I am looking as we speak. My health insurance is through H's job, so I'm debating using my work EAP. But I don't know how that would work once my free sessions are up. I am also concerned with him being able to log in and see any info about my appointments and all that. Tell me I'm being paranoid?
Also, he was freaked a month or two ago when I went to my PCP and was given a Rx for Adderall. He also did not react well when I said I was considering individual therapy for some other shit I've been dealing with. His first question about the meds and therapy was "How much is that gonna cost?" So yeah..
I would start with your EAP and go from there, just so you get this ball rolling without extra obstacles. If you don't want to use his insurance, whoever you see through EAP might have suggestions, maybe programs for assistance? idk.
I hope you can see how just these descriptions about the Rx and you seeking therapy completely contradict with your image of him as considerate and generous, too.
I know. You are all right. I apologize that I'm dragging this fucking thread out. I'm really not trying to use you all as a replacement for counseling. I haven't talked to anyone else (besides my other sister, and I didn't give her the entire picture) IRL. So, I'm mentally working through it and getting to where I need to be to even just tell him I'm going to counseling. Maybe his reaction to it before is because he's scared of what will happen?
Calling EAP. I'm ignoring my tendency for procrastination.
THERE ARE SO MANY KINDS OF THERAPISTS!! I have no idea what I'm looking for. Someone who specializes in sexual/marriage issues? I feel like that may be more geared towards couples. Just a "licensed professional counselor?"
There are just way too many options and I am overwhelmed.
I think either of these would be fine. You can always call the one for sexual/marriage issues and tell them you want individual therapy and confirm that that fits with their model (I'm sure it does) before you go in.
I would start with your EAP and go from there, just so you get this ball rolling without extra obstacles. If you don't want to use his insurance, whoever you see through EAP might have suggestions, maybe programs for assistance? idk.
I hope you can see how just these descriptions about the Rx and you seeking therapy completely contradict with your image of him as considerate and generous, too.
I know. You are all right. I apologize that I'm dragging this fucking thread out. I'm really not trying to use you all as a replacement for counseling. I haven't talked to anyone else (besides my other sister, and I didn't give her the entire picture) IRL. So, I'm mentally working through it and getting to where I need to be to even just tell him I'm going to counseling. Maybe his reaction to it before is because he's scared of what will happen?
Calling EAP. I'm ignoring my tendency for procrastination.
The bolded sounds very likely.
And don't apologize. Anyone who isn't interested will just not read it. The internet can so often be anonomously hateful and cruel, so if it is doing anything positive for you, you might as well take advantage.
Post by mariafromnj on Jun 12, 2013 10:47:57 GMT -5
I just read through most of this and I am so sorry. The situation sounds like a painful one to be in. I think you have gotten some great advice here. Your DH may not be abusive like your ex but that doesn't mean he is a good husband. What has been going on with your sister is not right. My first thought when reading about that asks for and gets naked pics from your sister was just "gross". That is not normal. He shouldn't be asking for or getting naked pics from anyone. They way he has made you feel isn't right. I hope you find a therapist and can get yourself to a better place. Good Luck.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 12, 2013 11:02:51 GMT -5
FastHands - It is helping. I knew this board was incredibly supportive, but to experience that first hand has been a tremendous push in the right direction.
I called EAP, she is emailing me a list of providers. I will cross reference them with my health insurance and go from there. I know I have a LOT of shit to work through. It's terrifying to realize just how much. I've been in denial for a very long time about the health of my marriage and other relationships. I have no idea why I thought that these women were my friends. I need better friends. And a better perspective on how people who actually love and respect you should treat you. I need to do this not only for me, but so that DD doesn't grow up thinking it's ok for anyone to ever treat her this way.
I called EAP, she is emailing me a list of providers.
dont worry about running out of sessions under the EAP. the way mine works is i get a set number under a certain category. so, say 6 for "stress". once i have run through all of them, then i can call and get another 6 under "marriage". i have found that everyone involved with the EAP is more than happy to work with you to get you what you need.
i just want to give you hugs. this is probably the hardest part. when i knew i wanted to get dh and i in couples therapy, just the thought of mentioning it to dh made me sick to my stomach. i felt like i was going to throw up working up the nerve to say to him we needed help. i practiced what i would say all day and i was still sick over it. but i got through it and he shocked the hell out of me by agreeing and then participating.
so again, this is probably the bottom. this is the worst part. it will be better going forward.
Exactly. I don't WANT to say anything just because I am dreading his reaction. I really think though, that if I ultimately decide I want to pursue counseling together that he would be on board. I know he would probably do anything I asked in order to salvage our marriage. We've discussed this in the context of other people's relationships, and he has said that if I ever gave him an ultimatum that he would do whatever it took. That doesn't mean that this isn't ultimately my decision though.
Right now though, I'm only concerned with me and my therapy. I'll decide later down the road if I want to do marriage counseling. My marriage could only survive if I'm in the best place I can be emotionally anyway.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jun 12, 2013 13:21:38 GMT -5
You don't actually have to tell him about your individual therapy if you don't want to. You could just tell him you're somewhere else, or make your appointments for lunch hours at work, or tell him you're setting aside some "me" time every week at this time, or some other way of hiding it, if you don't feel up to explaining yourself to him (and I can see why you wouldn't).
You don't actually have to tell him about your individual therapy if you don't want to. You could just tell him you're somewhere else, or make your appointments for lunch hours at work, or tell him you're setting aside some "me" time every week at this time, or some other way of hiding it, if you don't feel up to explaining yourself to him (and I can see why you wouldn't).
I could. I just don't know that me lying about it is going to do any good in the long run. Especially since I was pretty adamant before that I was going to do it regardless of how he felt about it. He knows I've been having some other things going on that I want to discuss with someone, so it wouldn't be totally out of the blue for me to start going. I just wasn't planning on telling him my specific reasons at this point.
Of course, of course. You know what you're doing. I just didn't want him to pressure and guilt and gaslight you out of it.
Oh I hear you. The last time I brought it up (like a month ago?) he got frustrated and basically told me "If you're going to do it, then stop talking about it and just fucking do it."
So maybe I will just keep it under my hat for a bit..
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, I think the therapy is such an important next step for you. What you said above (the bolded), is a contradiction to other things you are telling us. For example, don't you think that someone who adores you would have asked you why you were crying and upset? Wouldn't someone who would do anything for you, support your need for therapy instead of saying "If you're going to do it, then stop talking about it and just fucking do it"?
Despite what you think, the man you married is not a nice person. He doesn't adore you the way you deserve to be adored. He doesn't respect you. You have a daughter to think about. Just because he may be sweet and fluffy around her, she will one day see the small, subtle ways he disrespects you. Trust me.
I think it takes a lot of courage to break from a cycle like this and I commend you for reaching out to get help with therapy. I really hope you can work through this and make some major changes in your life for the positive.
Post by UMaineTeach on Jun 12, 2013 17:57:34 GMT -5
I would call your insurance and ask what YH can see about your use. Somethings MH can see when I use his insurance and some things have my name, the doctor's name, and the location redacted.
I've come back to read everyone's responses again today. I'm so torn between feeling incredibly sad and incredibly enraged. I know I made some very, very poor choices. What @sloanpeterson said about my other divorce kind of pissed me off, since ironically, I left my first H to set a better example for my DD. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive. But he wasn't subtle about it, and DD had seen him hit and scream at me. This is so, so different in that sense. I went to counseling to try to figure out what the fuck would make me stay in a relationship that was so obviously toxic. When I met H, I thought I had finally met someone that was good for me.
I agree with @jermys that this has probably been in the works for quite some time in his mind. I just never put all the pieces together until my other sister questioned the nature of my sister's relationship with H. It's crazy because I feel like I'm the one that got blindsided. Like, all of a sudden my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I do feel like he legitimately adores me. He never raises his voice, he fulfills all my other needs/wants, etc. It's just THIS thing.
So I guess my issue right now is that I am concerned that I am overreacting. That we're all overreacting. He's not a bad person. He's a thoughtful, smart, and crazy generous person. This is literally the only red flag. He would do anything for me, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if he can control this apparent urge he has. So I guess the rational part of me is angry at him for so sneakily bringing this shit into our marriage.
Maybe today I will hulk smash the shit out of something. Writing this has made a little fiery.
And squirrelymom - I think you are an incredible human being and mother. I appreciate your kind words. I am praying daily for you and your family.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, I think the therapy is such an important next step for you. What you said above (the bolded), is a contradiction to other things you are telling us. For example, don't you think that someone who adores you would have asked you why you were crying and upset? Wouldn't someone who would do anything for you, support your need for therapy instead of saying "If you're going to do it, then stop talking about it and just fucking do it"?
Despite what you think, the man you married is not a nice person. He doesn't adore you the way you deserve to be adored. He doesn't respect you. You have a daughter to think about. Just because he may be sweet and fluffy around her, she will one day see the small, subtle ways he disrespects you. Trust me.
I think it takes a lot of courage to break from a cycle like this and I commend you for reaching out to get help with therapy. I really hope you can work through this and make some major changes in your life for the positive.
I fully recognize that I'm contradicting myself. It's the rational vs. emotional parts of me that are at war right now.
I am attempting to allow the rational and intelligent side of me to win this current battle. I have sought out a therapist and bared a lot of my soul here over the last few days. I don't know what will ultimately happen, but I do know that I am a very strong willed person. If I want something I will absolutely get it, and if I don't want something it will be gone from my life. I quit smoking cold turkey about a week ago because I was just fucking ready.
I am trying to be totally honest with myself, and everyone here. That includes my indecision and fear. So. Here it all is. Judge me, flame me, it's ok. I can handle this. I want to be the best version of me that I can, even if that means a major upheaval in my life.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 12, 2013 23:33:51 GMT -5
He's breaking me down you guys. I feel like an asshole for even suggesting that maybe he's handled this all badly. I haven't even brought up the picture/swinger thing. He brought up tonight that he's felt like something was "off" lately. And now I feel like I'm just fucking defending myself. I do desperately wanted to bring up other things, but we'd both been drinking and it just seemed like a bad idea.
I really tried standing up for myself. I swear. I just didn't know how else to tell him that I didn't feel like he cared enough to ask me the other day what was wrong. His excuse was that he made the decision not to ask because he thought I'd bring it up when I was ready. I called his bullshit and told him straight up that it made me feel like h didn't care. He obviously disagrees. This is one of the worst fights we've had. He went to bed. I think I'll sleep on the couch.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 12, 2013 23:51:03 GMT -5
I really don't know how else to approach this with him. How am I supposed to go through counseling these next few weeks and avoid these awful, earth shattering conversations?? I don't want to make any actual decisions before going to counseling. Wtf am I supposed to tell him?? @wrath0fkuus. Where are you? I need your help here cause you're so smart. He's going to avoid the shit out of me tomorrow. I know it. He's so mad. I'm obviously not hiding this as well as I thought..
((((((((HUGS)))))))) Lots and lots of hugs. My heart breaks for you. No matter what happens, what you decide to do, how you decide to handle things......you have a really large group of people here for you.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 13, 2013 0:08:35 GMT -5
I'm on the couch crying my eyes out. I don't know how to continue handling this and I am clearly not doing a very good job of lying to him directly or indirectly about what is going on in my head. It hurts so, so much you guys. I am feeling so incredibly alone tonight.
((hugs)) sunshine. I read through the entire thread. I'm really glad you are choosing to get some counseling. I think it will be a great help to you in deciding how you want your life to be. Is there anywhere you can go stay? Can you write him a letter to say what is going on? Would that be easier for you than talking about it? Good luck.
I'm on the couch crying my eyes out. I don't know how to continue handling this and I am clearly not doing a very good job of lying to him directly or indirectly about what is going on in my head. It hurts so, so much you guys. I am feeling so incredibly alone tonight.
These internet strangers are here for you. I know in the grand scheme of things that isn't much, but it has helped me and others in the past. Stay strong, you are already on the right path.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 13, 2013 0:16:33 GMT -5
I don't really have anywhere that both DD and I could easily go. I just feel if I took that drastic of a step I'd always be the bad guy. Is it so awful that I fantasize about him leaving? It would make my life so much easier if he did something and I could make him move out. I know I'm being totally passive aggressive but this is where I'm at right now.
We live together. We're fucking married. How am I supposed to live with him avoiding me?? We have never had so much as an extended disagreement.
That's because you have always given into his wants and not stood up for yourself. Now you are standing up for yourself and he is being a manipulative asshole. HE is being the jerk here and making you feel bad-that is on him. HE will be the one ignoring you because you had the audacity to tell him how you feel-that is on him. You just giving into his wants so he will treat you like a decent human being does not make him a good person.