Post by EmilieMadison on Aug 22, 2012 20:18:34 GMT -5
I am SO incredibly sorry that you are in this situation. But now it's time to not be in this situation anymore. Your husband has raped you in the past and shrugged it off. Then a therapist (aka: QUACK, please report this guy to the licensing board or something) told you that you should have sex with him to HEAL...after which your husband raped you again. I think this is the point where you say "enough is enough".
I want to scream and cry and yell for you. Please, find a new counselor for yourself, file for divorce, and start your process of healing. You deserve to be loved, and to trust the one you love. That's not what you have. Please dont settle for abuse. (((HUGS)))
I think Mary is right about this being about exerting power over you.
I totally get the instinct to fight for your marriage, to try to "fix" your husband. I did this with a cheating husband (not comparable to your situation, I know). I thought if I just fought hard enough, I could make it all better. But I couldn't do it alone, and you can't either. My biggest regret is that I stayed too long, and the long-term effect that has had on my self-esteem.
My advice is that you have more than met your wedding vows. It's time to save yourself.
What did your h say when you woke up? What did he say to the therapist?
Is this a fetish? Is he asleep when he starts?
Im so sorry this is happening. I hope the individual therapy helps him, and until then you sleep in another room with the door LOCKED.
I have missed some of your posts, I think. Is he awake or asleep when he begins? I guess only he knows for sure. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm starting to get angry on your behalf. It is not your job to make your H better and honestly, a man who thinks it is ok to rape women I'm not sure can get better. He needs serious fucking help and it is not the job of the victim to provide it.
This is not love. Not by any stretch. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it because you should expect more and better. you deserve it. Get the fuck out.
What did your h say when you woke up? What did he say to the therapist?
Is this a fetish? Is he asleep when he starts?
Im so sorry this is happening. I hope the individual therapy helps him, and until then you sleep in another room with the door LOCKED.
I have missed some of your posts, I think. Is he awake or asleep when he begins? I guess only he knows for sure. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Post by sunflower22 on Aug 22, 2012 20:21:09 GMT -5
I'm so sorry What does your husband have to say for himself after he does this? He sounds like he has a serious mental problem, do you want to spend your life being the one trying to fix him? Life is short, you should live it happy and free of abuse.
Another thing to think about - he heard your therapist tell you that getting mad at him isn't fair and then he chose to violate you and your trust.
Oh, no. The therapist was very clear that it is absolutely fair for me to be mad. just that it doesn't help H get any better. And really, that is my goal. I want so badly to help him get better.
What would I advise someone else? Honestly, I don't know. I feel very very strongly that divorce is an absolute last resort.
It's not YOUR JOB to make him better. You shouldn't have to hold back your anger at being violated and it's unfair (and dare I say unethical and certainly unprofessional) for a therapist to actually lay this responsibility and blame on YOU.
Yes, divorce should be a last resort. But how many more times should he rape you before you're at that point? You owe it to yourself to take this last resort and get out.
I have missed some of your posts, I think. Is he awake or asleep when he begins? I guess only he knows for sure. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Post by speckledfrog on Aug 22, 2012 20:26:33 GMT -5
Okay, another thing to think about - he is sitting in therapy listening to you say how his actions make you feel and how it damages your relationship and then he looks at you, asleep and defenseless, and chooses to do it again. He chooses to break your trust, to violate your body, and to damage your relationship. I know you want to fix this. I know you want to save your marriage. The person you want YH to be isn't the person he actually is. You may love every other single thing about him, but that's not all there is to him. He's not the guy you want to love. He's the guy who hurts you when he knows it hurts.
I'm glad you feel like you can lay things out here because you need a place to go with this stuff.
I don't know you and I love you. I want you to be happy and safe. And I want you to want those things too.
Oh, no. The therapist was very clear that it is absolutely fair for me to be mad. just that it doesn't help H get any better. And really, that is my goal. I want so badly to help him get better.
What would I advise someone else? Honestly, I don't know. I feel very very strongly that divorce is an absolute last resort.
It's not YOUR JOB to make him better. You shouldn't have to hold back your anger at being violated and it's unfair (and dare I say unethical and certainly unprofessional) for a therapist to actually lay this responsibility and blame on YOU.
Yes, divorce should be a last resort. But how many more times should he rape you before you're at that point? You owe it to yourself to take this last resort and get out.
0 more times. None. He understands that.
The therapist was also very clear that I can leave at any time, and people have done so for a lot less. He said I would absolutely be justified. But that if I WANT to try counseling and WANT to allow H to work on it, then I shouldn't expect it to be all better* after one session, that it will take time and multiple individual sessions with H (hence the sleeping apart for the time being).
*meaning that I feel comfortable, not that he stops raping me. 0 more times. if it happens again, that's the end.
You don't deserve to live this way. You are a human being worth much more than what your h sees you as. To be honest, at this point I would not care one bit about fixing someone who cares so little about you that he uses you when you can't react. Using you when you are asleep shows how spineless and pretty scary he is. I would also start wondering about other things....if he allows himself to do this, what other deranged things does he do that you aren't even aware of?
This is so so wrong. I'm so sorry that you feel torn at this point, and I wish (as do you I'm sure) that it was an easy decision to leave or to stay. But that doesn't seem to be the case and it makes me so sad for you.
I'm sure you know that you shouldn't be with someone who disrespects and abuses you in such an extreme way, but I understand that leaving is easier said than done.
If he feels he needs this power over you for going to a therapist and talking about his feelings, this makes me scared for you if you do leave. What is he going to do to try and make you stay? What is he going to do out of anger or feeling like he's losing that control?
I know you want it to work, it is very strong of you to want to work it out but in the long run this is the start of a bigger picture. And that scares me because right now you are being strong and you don't need him to cut you down or hurt you anymore then he has.
Okay, another thing to think about - he is sitting in therapy listening to you say how his actions make you feel and how it damages your relationship and then he looks at you, asleep and defenseless, and chooses to do it again. He chooses to break your trust, to violate your body, and to damage your relationship. I know you want to fix this. I know you want to save your marriage. The person you want YH to be isn't the person he actually is. You may love every other single thing about him, but that's not all there is to him. He's not the guy you want to love. He's the guy who hurts you when he knows it hurts.
I'm glad you feel like you can lay things out here because you need a place to go with this stuff.
I don't know you and I love you. I want you to be happy and safe. And I want you to want those things too.
This is probably hard to read, but dead on. I can't imagine him hearing you share like that and then choosing to do it again. I'd also read MWoS's posts a few times, and then Cleo's.
Post by wildfloweragain on Aug 22, 2012 20:32:11 GMT -5
This doesn't change anything, but I'm really trying to picture this happening and you not calling 911 upon waking up to him raping you again:
What happened when you woke up? Did he stop, did you try to make him stop, did he apologize right then? Say he thought you wouldn't wake up, try to continue?
Also, if this somehow happens again before you get out, using the word "rape" can sometimes smack him in the face enough to snap him out of it. I read an article that has always stayed with me about the 3 main types of rapists. Of course it stayed with me because it's what I SHOULD have done. One type, usually on a date rape, doesn't see themselves as raping. They think you're asking for it, really want it, whatever. And if you look them in the eye and say "I don't want you to rape me." it is more successful than other protests and pushing away.
Even if the therapist one day declares him "cured," won't you always be worried about whether it will happen again? Nobody deserves to live that way. The trust is gone and you're never going to get it back.
Therapy is going to go well. This last time was going to be just what your H needed to change his ways. In a couple months, you will move back into the bedroom. In six months you will quit therapy because things are resolved. You will have a good six months of marriage after that. He needs to build up the good times for you. Because when it's good, it's such a good relationship.
But a year from now or whenever you step out of line, he will do it again.
This is the cycle of abuse. He is an abusive rapist.
Post by notmyrealusername on Aug 22, 2012 20:38:03 GMT -5
We have one kid, pre-school aged.
He has no explanation. He is extremely remorseful.
This past time when I woke up, I was in the middle of a dream about sex and woke up slowly to the realization that it wasn't a dream. I just let him continue. I don't know why. In the past, I have stopped him. Except once when I was drunk, I let him keep going then, too.
Wildflower, you've hit it dead on. He didn't see it as rape. Even when I told him it was. He didn't actually believe me until the therapist also used the word rape, and told him that he could be prosecuted.
Why is he doing it? Is it a fetish thing? Does he not think you're going to wake up? Does he not want you to say no, so he tries to do it without you knowing?
I keep coming back in here because this strikes a chord with me. I was raped in the same fashion by a guy I had just started dating. I remember being a bit disoriented and confused when I woke up with him on top of me just going to town.
I'm not trying to make this about me, and I hope you don't think that, but it makes me so mad that someone who vowed to love and honor you, to protect you, support you, be there in good times and bad, is violating you in one of the worst ways possible and somehow, you are made to feel like it is justifiable or at the very least, he should be given chance after chance to change.
he doesn't deserve anymore chances. not one. I can see that and want more for you. please, seriously think about leaving.
This doesn't change anything, but I'm really trying to picture this happening and you not calling 911 upon waking up to him raping you again:
What happened when you woke up? Did he stop, did you try to make him stop, did he apologize right then? Say he thought you wouldn't wake up, try to continue?
Also, if this somehow happens again before you get out, using the word "rape" can sometimes smack him in the face enough to snap him out of it. I read an article that has always stayed with me about the 3 main types of rapists. Of course it stayed with me because it's what I SHOULD have done. One type, usually on a date rape, doesn't see themselves as raping. They think you're asking for it, really want it, whatever. And if you look them in the eye and say "I don't want you to rape me." it is more successful than other protests and pushing away.
I understand what you're saying, but someone shouldn't have to have a plan on how to get their husband to stop raping them AGAIN while in the act. Besides, he's already promised to stop, understands that what he's doing is wrong, but chooses to do it over and over again. He's not a date rapist who thinks she's asking for it. She's unconscious and he knows that he's hurt her deeply by doing it already, but that hasn't stopped him yet.