Post by OHMBLEEGOHHHHH! on Aug 22, 2012 20:41:24 GMT -5
I have no doubts he is remorseful. I'm sure he hates that side of himself and what it does to you and your marriage. But he still chose to do it. And I think the fact that he continues to choose to do it, after hearing how much it hurts, after being told it is in fact rape, real, honest, arrest-able rape, and the therapist telling you he wants to work out an escape plan with you, should really tell you everything you need to know.
Wildflower, you've hit it dead on. He didn't see it as rape. Even when I told him it was. He didn't actually believe me until the therapist also used the word rape, and told him that he could be prosecuted.
OK, but NOW HE DOES ... and he still did it - this is an issue you have to see - I'm sorry but this is not fixable
This past time when I woke up, I was in the middle of a dream about sex and woke up slowly to the realization that it wasn't a dream. I just let him continue. I don't know why. In the past, I have stopped him. Except once when I was drunk, I let him keep going then, too.
.
Omg, no. My heart is breaking for you. He thinks he's won (he has, he got exactly what he wanted). He's not going to stop doing this to you, no matter how hard you will it.
You need to get out now. NOW. Seriously, this is only going to get worse.
You also need a new therapist.
I'm so sorry for being harsh. I just want to shake you and then hug you and cry for/with you. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Post by notmyrealusername on Aug 22, 2012 20:45:02 GMT -5
Floyd, I don't know. I don't think it's a fetish. I don't know if he knows. The therapist asked him many of the same questions trying to get at why he enjoys it. It's not about not wanting me to say no. Most of the time that I'm conscious I'm pretty willing.
It seems like you are still asleep right now! Even with the word rape and prosecution warning, he did it again. Wake up. Look at what's happening. You need to make a plan. Pack your stuff, get your kiddo, and leave. Forget about your "marriage." What about YOU and your kid?
Post by Mrs.Beagle on Aug 22, 2012 20:53:33 GMT -5
There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said.
Any competent therapist would not tell a victim of spousal rape to stay with her husband while he "gets help". This therapist should be reported to their licensing board.
I'm so sorry.
ETA: I had to add quotes around gets help because while he is going to appointments, he doesn't want to get help.
Post by catwithspots on Aug 22, 2012 21:18:17 GMT -5
I have to echo the others in you needing to leave.
My concern, above the concern for you, is that your H will seek an outlet for his need to rape. If you are locked in another room, that leaves your child exposed. I get that you are committed to your "marriage", but you need to consider all possibilities, including the effects on your child.
There is no marriage without trust. You can't possibly trust him again. Be honest with yourself. Do you really see yourself feeling safe sleeping next to him again? You can't save what isn't a true marriage. Save yourself instead.
Post by sunflower22 on Aug 22, 2012 21:26:16 GMT -5
If he has no reason or explanation for raping you, what other horrible things could he do if he just felt like doing them?? Keep yourself and your child safe.
I'm just going to say it- I wouldn't leave my husband over this. I am clearly in the minority. It is horrible he did it again when he knew her feelings. She should absolutely throw him out of the bedroom. But I wouldn't leave my husband over this. Not if he was in therapy and working on it.
This is probably a big jump, but I would be worried about your kid in the future. Your husband knows he is raping you and continues to do it so I can't imagine that he would go further.
Post by thedutchgirl on Aug 22, 2012 21:41:10 GMT -5
I actually sort of get the therapist's suggestion in the first instance because it had been two years. But the fact that your husband raped you again after two years on the very day of your therapy session speaks volumes, I think. He doesn't, at his core, take your feelings seriously. He is exerting power over you. And he isn't going to change in this relationship. I'm so very, very sorry.
I literally gasped out loud. Fuck him and that asshole therapist in the face with a shovel and get out of there. This is unacceptable for you to be going through. Will he leave? Do you have a place to stay if he doesn't?
I don't often pull the DTMFA, but in this situation, I don't believe he is fixable. Like SMACE said, this is just torture for you.
Post by saraandmichael on Aug 22, 2012 21:46:34 GMT -5
Stop. This is not fixable. You tried. He fucking raped you again. AGAIN.
Look yourself in the mirror and say that.
"My husband raped me. And then I gave him the chance to work on this. I was willing to work to get past it. And he raped me again."
There is nothing to save here but the idealistic view you have of a marriage and family that will never, ever exist.
You are not going to be able to heal yourself if you continue to be in this.
You deserve more. Your child deserves more.
Now repeat that in the mirror to yourself:
"I deserve more. My child deserves more."
I am so very sorry for what you have and are going through.
Please, do yourself a favor and find a new therapist. Preferably one that works with rape victims. Because that is what you are, and you would benefit from speaking to someone that can actually help you instead of advise you to go have consensual sex with your rapist.
Post by happyteeth on Aug 22, 2012 21:55:52 GMT -5
I am really sorry you are dealing with this. If you want to work on it, if never ever hurts to get another Dr's point of view/ideas. If you want to leave, then you need to really, actually, leave. But you have to decide, it sucks
Do we know if he is awake and aware when he does this though? I feel like there is so much more we don't know before we all jump in and condemn the advice she is getting from her therapist. Getting an individual therapist is a good idea. Throwing him out of the bedroom is a given. But divorcing him? I don't know. Especially when the therapist isn't on board.
Post by Jalapeñomel on Aug 22, 2012 22:12:45 GMT -5
I cannot read all the responses, but all I can say is that I really really hope you can find the strength to save yourself and your child. And I wish that you can eventually find happiness, wherever that may be.
I'm just going to say it- I wouldn't leave my husband over this. I am clearly in the minority. It is horrible he did it again when he knew her feelings. She should absolutely throw him out of the bedroom. But I wouldn't leave my husband over this. Not if he was in therapy and working on it.
You'd be upset with your DH raping you several times, but because he is getting therapy, you are willing to work on it?
Elle the therapist is on board, but he is not just her therapist. He is their therapist. So he is in an unfortunate position of validating both their feelings individually and also committing to help them as a couple.
She needs her own therapist for sure.
If the Therapist feels she is in danger, or their kids are in danger, he has an ethical obligation to warn her and stop counseling them both. He obviously doesn't feel it's there.
My view on this is nuanced. One, first and foremost, their therapist has more information than we do and he isn't advising divorce. Two, she doesn't seem to want a divorce. Three, I do not actually agree that because he has engaged in non-consensual acts with his spouse (which, depending on where you live, may or may not legally be called rape) he is an inherently violently controlling person. Frankly, I think it is possible he was raised in a horrible environment that didn't teach him this was wrong . . . And then more recently after she was into consensual sex, he thought he could "prove" the prior sleep rape wasn't really rape by making her like it this time. And fourth, I guess I can't put aside my own feelings that I wouldn't care if I woke up and DH was having sex with me . . . Even though I know that it would be rape.
Do I think he is a douche? Absolutely. Do I think she should share a bed with him? Absolutely not. Not for a long time. If she decided to leave him, would I say that was a bad call? No way. But do I think we, strangers on the Internet, who haven't heard how far it progressed, what he was thinking, why he did it, and how he acts the rest of the time, should be telling her to ignore their therapist, and what she wants herself, and leave him? No, I don't.