Quite simply, your H has lost his goddamned mind. When mine does dumb shit, and I can't muster the energy to explain basic concepts to him, I use these exact words. Then I stare at him menacingly. It's so supremely satisfying and it's the best way to open up the conversation. I don't allow him any space to think he may be right.
I am sitting in the parking lot at Target too mad to get my damn potatoes after reading this bullshit. Too mad to Target. You tell your dumbfuck husband he's making people too goddamn mad to Target, that's how stupid his life choices are.
"H, I need to talk to you about Damian. this person has caused a lot of troubles in our lives. So much trouble that I am in therapy with diagnosed PTSD (right? I think I remember you saying that) due to all the damage he has done.
It hurts me to my core to see you do anything with him. Talking, hanging out, anything. This person has harmed me to the point where I need (or needed) medical help to deal with the fallout. He is a cancer to my life. To our life. And we need to cut the cancer out in order to have a nice and happy life.
I really need this from you. I NEED you to be with me on this. A united front. A team."
And maybe offer to talk to him and your therapist about all this bc sometimes we can't see what the other person is saying without a translator, so to speak.
and I apologize if I missed the mark on some of this bc somehow I missed some parts of the early issues as to what caused this from the beginning.
thanks! you're right about all of it. the ptsd, the medical stuff, the therapist, the fallout. i will tlak to him tonight
Frkls: don't just 'talk' to him; let him know how much he hurt & betrayed your trust! He made a choice that made his wife feel like a speck in his daily evaluation of befriending others. C'mon man!!
Sorry- you're right in staying calm & rational, but I wanted to make sure you're properly relaying your undue stress caused by his decision(s).
I'm still having a hard time wrapping me head around the fact that your husband wants to hang out and be friends with a psycho that mentally torments you.
Like, of all the people on the earth. That is who your husband just has to have a relationship with. Not only that, divulges personal information about you to said psycho.
Fuck. Ditch them both at this point. What the fuck.
I have no more words that don't include fuck.
tell me how to say this to him in a PRODUCTIVE way when he gets home. i don't want any "i'd scorch the earth!! bye felicia! dtmf!" answers. i need help with a way to say this in a way that makes him understand but leads to a conversation about it instead of slamming doors and yelling about me controlling who his friends are.
The thing is, you shouldn't have to explain any of this to him because he should have the judgment and empathy not to do it. Which is why you are getting no calm rational responses. This is a burn shit down situation.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 29, 2016 19:19:19 GMT -5
WTeverlovingF? Does he feel some sort of Godly obligation to this guy?
I think I would start with something like, "What compels you to spend time with him?" followed by "Let me tell you how that affects me" and then some "What do you think we should do about it?" That last one should be a thinly veiled "if you pick anything but my needs you are a dumb fucker.
Honestly, after all of the shit you and your family have had to go through because of his job, the VERY LEAST he could do is not be friends with a mother fucking psycho.
we didn't get a chance to talk about it because he came home from work, told me about his plans, ate dinner with us and then left. we'll certainly talk about it when he gets home.
Step 1: advise mr. Frkls that he is not welcome at home tonight. You will deal with his ass tomorrow.
Step 2: block that fucking freaks number. If he shows up at your home do not answer the door and call the police. A nice policeman or policewoman will explain that he is not welcome. He will become better acquainted with the police and a judge if he continues his visits.
Step 3: Calmly explain the following to Mr. Frkls, "honey, I have followed you over gods green earth, acted like a lady and on top of that I did not shanked you or your trifling bitch assed ex wife for the 8 year custody battle. Now I'm just asking ONE FUCKING THING FROM YOU-NOT CONSORT WITH PSYCHO DUDE
Seriously frkls, follow this advice. What you have tried hasn't worked.
Lol forever. I can't even get on a rational level with this bullshit.
for the love of christ, you have made your opinion on this matter crystal clear.
Honestly? You've tried calm. You've tried rational. It got you the two of them on some weird-assed bro date.
I would be setting shit aflame. There would be no calm. There would be some specific questioning about what the actual fuck needs to happen for me, his wife, to finally. Fucking. Matter. To ask exactly what do I need to do to rank in his life as worthy of his best efforts. Because between this and his continuous advocating to move y'all back to BFE Tennessee I really have to wonder where you rank in his life.
I'd probably end it with an ultimatum that he could have Mr. Netflix and Chill, or he could have his wife and children, but he cannot have both.
And, I'm just saying, we have great schools, that are hiring, and people who know you and think you're awesome up here :-)
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 29, 2016 19:23:57 GMT -5
Me again. Apparently I can't confine my responses to one post. I actually wouldn't address it tonight if you think it's too raw and will lead to a fight. Do you think it would be beneficial to write it out? He can't argue with a letter until he'd done reading it and it will allow you to organize your thoughts and feelings. I'm just so angry for you.
The situation reminds me of the poster whose H had a "friend" who gave him personal gifts and created a rift in the marriage. Then he invited her over for breakfast or some shit. Who was that ML'er?
At any rate, I'd be so incredibly hurt if that was my H. How much do you want to bet the "friend" has made you a topic of their conversation? "Dude, what's wrong with your wife?" "Dude, I don't know. I think she's cray-cray, bro."
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm sitting with capscapscaps on this one. I cannot form a coherent response to your husband's asshattery. Maybe your H needs to be yelled at to get the point across that hanging out with a creepy stalker asshole who played a part in ruining your careers and causing you to have PTSD is not a good decision.
we didn't get a chance to talk about it because he came home from work, told me about his plans, ate dinner with us and then left. we'll certainly talk about it when he gets home.
Step 1: advise mr. Frkls that he is not welcome at home tonight. You will deal with his ass tomorrow.
Step 2: block that fucking freaks number. If he shows up at your home do not answer the door and call the police. A nice policeman or policewoman will explain that he is not welcome. He will become better acquainted with the police and a judge if he continues his visits.
Step 3: Calmly explain the following to Mr. Frkls, "honey, I have followed you over gods green earth, acted like a lady and on top of that I did not shanked you or your trifling bitch assed ex wife for the 8 year custody battle. Now I'm just asking ONE FUCKING THING FROM YOU-NOT CONSORT WITH PSYCHO DUDE
Seriously frkls, follow this advice. What you have tried hasn't worked.
((hugs))
all of this. God when I think of what you've gone through for this guy.
tell me how to say this to him in a PRODUCTIVE way when he gets home. i don't want any "i'd scorch the earth!! bye felicia! dtmf!" answers. i need help with a way to say this in a way that makes him understand but leads to a conversation about it instead of slamming doors and yelling about me controlling who his friends are.
He is really putting this man ahead of your marriage.
This is what it really boils down to. It's more important that he goes to the movies with this guy than respecting your feelings? That's bullshit.
The thing is, you shouldn't have to explain any of this to him because he should have the judgment and empathy not to do it. Which is why you are getting no calm rational responses. This is a burn shit down situation.
And seeing a movie is such a leisurely activity so it's pissing me off even more that her H is at the movies with BunnyBoiler than if they were just hanging out and talking. Even though any contact is a betrayal.
But Frkls is at home upset and we're here all angry and he's at a movie. WTF is that about?!
smiling and tossing back popcorn like that Michael Jackson gif. No chill whatsoever. Just egregious line stepping.
The only thing I can think of is that bunny boiler is the last thread your DH has to his old life, his career and his old identity.
That being said, the rational thing would be to say "Having a relationship with this man literally ruined our lives. Literally. I cannot support continuing this relationship."
If it were me....I mean when my DH screws up bad I talk like everyone up there with a billion "fucks" thrown in and yelling. And hand gestures. And talking slowly like he needs to take some damn notes so I don't have to repeat myself.
So, your H WANTS to hang out with the man who you are frightened to have show up at your house? The same man who was part of the church thing that you are trying to move past? I am feeling crazy here, frkls. I just don't understand.
This is burn shit down time. All of it. Burn it all the fuck down. Scorched earth because motherfuckers think you're playing or some shit and it is time to put the fear of the 8 pound 6 ounce black baby Jesus into your husband with this utter and complete chucklefuckery this motherfucker has cost me my damn punctuation marks I'm so heated right now
Yes. This is CRAZY BEHAVIOR, FRKLS' H.
Also, lol that there are people who didn't figure out who you were until today. Lol.
does mr. frkls have no other guy friends? why is THIS friendship so important that it's been allowed to ruin your lives going on twice now?
it just doesn't make sense.
I'm furious for you.
i think this is exactly it. this guy was dh's first bestie in yeeeeeeeaaars. i don't think it's THIS guy, i think he misses having ANY guy. he likes the guys he works with now, but he doesn't hang with any of them outside of work. i think you hit the nail on the head.
the REALLY crazy part is that dh was OVER him so much sooner than i was. he was so needy and so clingy and dh was so frustrated and resentful and i was the one who was all, "it's not his fault....blah blah blah." i truly wasn't angry at him until he wouldn't leave me alone.
I don't know the original issue you had but I can glean it from your post. But he sounds a lot like the c*nt that broke up my marriage. Not to mention that my husband was completely not on my side. He continued to hang out with her. And I am sorry this isn't that far off from that.
Your H knows the amount of pain this person has caused you, you are in therapy, you have PTSD yet hes all "sure lets grab a movie". I am sorry I think your H is being a jerk in all of this. But take that with a grain of salt bc I lived through VERY RECENTLY my husband not listening to me and ignoring my feelings on an issue and now hes moved out.
I don't know the original issue you had but I can glean it from your post. But he sounds a lot like the c*nt that broke up my marriage. Not to mention that my husband was completely not on my side. He continued to hang out with her. And I am sorry this isn't that far off from that.
Your H knows the amount of pain this person has caused you, you are in therapy, you have PTSD yet hes all "sure lets grab a movie". I am sorry I think your H is being a jerk in all of this. But take that with a grain of salt bc I lived through VERY RECENTLY my husband not listening to me and ignoring my feelings on an issue and now hes moved out.
I am sorry I would be so pissed and hurt
you know, i thought of our situation when you were going through yours. i actually almost PMed you to defend them because it sounded so much like our situation and we really all were just friends. that bitch who broke up your marriage sounds exactly like this guy, down to the use of the "brother" thing. this guy used to say that to dh all the time. needless to say, you were completely right and i feel so stupid.
flex , I was thinking about her too. She was fucking irate, and we were irate for her. She made her husband leave and they are now living apart. And with no disrespect to her, in my mind, this is almost worse.
Frkls, I'm in awe that you have any sense of calm and rationality in your body right now. I don't want to dislike your husband - I know you love him - but fuck. This is ridiculous.
i'm calm now because i'm 100000000000% positive that he is going to be shocked that i'm upset. he's stupid, but he would never do this to me on purpose. i should have told him before he went that i hated it.
flex , I was thinking about her too. She was fucking irate, and we were irate for her. She made her husband leave and they are now living apart. And with no disrespect to her, in my mind, this is almost worse.
Frkls, I'm in awe that you have any sense of calm and rationality in your body right now. I don't want to dislike your husband - I know you love him - but fuck. This is ridiculous.
i'm calm now because i'm 100000000000% positive that he is going to be shocked that i'm upset. he's stupid, but he would never do this to me on purpose. i should have told him before he went that i hated it.
No. Don't even start taking ownership here. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE ANYONE WITH OPPOSABLE FUCKING THUMBS WOULD KNOW THIS WAS A BAD MOVE. He knows. He just wants what he wants more.
Post by snipsnsnails on Mar 29, 2016 19:57:44 GMT -5
Ugh, frkls, I'm sorry. I discovered the hard way that working in ministry is almost a guaranteed road to dys-freaking-functional relationships.
Your DH sounds like he doesn't have any sense of wise relational boundaries and I hate that that has caused so much pain for you. I hope he listens and apologizes and understands.
i'm calm now because i'm 100000000000% positive that he is going to be shocked that i'm upset. he's stupid, but he would never do this to me on purpose. i should have told him before he went that i hated it.
Okay, you are literally in therapy over shit that went down involving this dude. Your H knows this. I'm sorry, no man is this dumb without trying to be.
flex , I was thinking about her too. She was fucking irate, and we were irate for her. She made her husband leave and they are now living apart. And with no disrespect to her, in my mind, this is almost worse.
Frkls, I'm in awe that you have any sense of calm and rationality in your body right now. I don't want to dislike your husband - I know you love him - but fuck. This is ridiculous.
i'm calm now because i'm 100000000000% positive that he is going to be shocked that i'm upset. he's stupid, but he would never do this to me on purpose. i should have told him before he went that i hated it.
He might appear all doe eyed and surprised but he is not a dumb man. He knows this upsets you (he was annoyed that you weren't rejecting this guy properly so he knows). HE KNOWS! FOR HIM TO CLAIM IGNORANCE IS INSULTING AND A BLATANT AND WILLFUL LIE.
He may feel that he misses having guy time and may feel that this isn't fair. Those are both okay and feelings to have. BUT GUESS WHAT I CAN NAME LOTS OF THINGS THAT ARE/WERE UNFAIR THAT HAVE BEEN THRUST UPON YOU INDIVIDUALLY, MR.FRKLS INDIVIDUALLY, AND THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.