Post by happyholiday on Mar 30, 2016 5:21:42 GMT -5
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I have to say, I agree with a pp that your H sounds selfish, but he also sounds depressed. Not doing much about his health, feeling so lonely that he apparently feels its ok to put crazycakes before his wife, etc. Has he gotten any therapy after what went down? While I'm sympathetic if he has depression, it in no way excuses this fuckery. He is still an intelligent, grown man who should know better.
Yup, I also came to check/ am sending you vibes of success. I truly hope this thread gave you the confidence you needed to call your H on his unspeakably BS move. (And I hope you felt the obvious love from this board!) Thinking of you this am, frkls.
I just caught up. I agree with everyone that said that remaining calm in light of ALL the shit that came with him, is a feat I know I couldn't do. I also agree with cleo29 that your husband is selfish for thus and other actions he has done. I hope no matter the result of your conversation with your h, you find peace.
Post by mrsukyankee on Mar 30, 2016 6:31:34 GMT -5
I wasn't awake while this all went down but it does seem like a watershed moment. If you need help with this conversation, get in touch with your therapist. This would be something I'd be happy to work through with a client.
frkls I'm thinking of you this morning. I understand wanting to empathize with your husband here, but it doesn't seem he does that for you. To me this feels like a real sign of disrespect, and I hope when he came home he admitted as much, apologized profusely, and immediately cut all ties with this stalker.
You deserve to be the ultimate priority in his life. You have sacrificed a ton for your husband and I hope you both are at a point where you realize he needs to put you and your family first.
I don't know the back story and I have no idea what bunny boiler means, but just with the hints dropped here, wtf? This is insane. Why would he hang out with this person? I was also thinking of @sloanpeterson's situation. It's like exactly the same problem. I hope you were able to have a productive discussion with your H last night.
I hope your conversation went well, frkls. I know we kind of go off the rails here sometimes, but it's only because we're so wholly on your side! I hope your H was able to see reason and you didn't have to murder him.
Post by ginandjucie24 on Mar 30, 2016 7:46:34 GMT -5
I am so sorry to hear this.
To be handed a betrayal by your H, is crap. This person ruined your life and has caused so much pain. If your H can't understand why his actions are wrong then he needs professional help.
You are putting and have put so much into your marriage and for your h not to even have the slightest bit of respect, shit, even common courtesy to think of you once and put you first makes me sad and angry on your behalf because it doesn't seem to happen often.
I can't imagine what your are feeling. We are all always here for you.
How did you your H think you were going to respond to this?
It sounds like he really didn't care about how you felt and put his desire for a friend (??) above you. There are billions of other potential friends out there in the world that haven't attempted to ruin your life and marriage.
I really really hope your talk resulted in him apologizing profusely and ending contact with this guy.
I don't know the back story and I have no idea what bunny boiler means, but just with the hints dropped here, wtf? This is insane. Why would he hang out with this person? I was also thinking of @sloanpeterson 's situation. It's like exactly the same problem. I hope you were able to have a productive discussion with your H last night.
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. She boiled Michael Douglas' daughter's bunny in a pot on their stove because she was pissed at him.
Post by Captain Serious on Mar 30, 2016 8:27:53 GMT -5
Frkls, I just want to let you know that I agree with all the many others about your husband's behavior, but mostly, I'm just baffled. I honestly can't think of a single motive that would make a man who loves you do something that so clearly pushed not just your feelings, but your physical and mental health aside. The only motive I can come up with would be if there really were really some kind of attraction other than friendship. Is there any chance?
If not, I can't imagine how a rational, caring husband could react poorly to your asking him to not see this man again socially.
Please tell us your conversation went well and was enlightening last night.
My XH still maintained a friendship with someone who was detrimental to our marriage and ended up being one of the reasons we split. He kept putting her before me and while it took me years to do so, I finally had the strength to say "No more."
I remember a little of your backstory and on top of all of what has already been said, I'll say this: I wish you peace and strength.
Post by Saint Monica on Mar 30, 2016 8:46:50 GMT -5
Listen frkls, you have two kids that depend on you. Now your H is not only hurting you he is hurting the primary caretaker of the children. You need to look in your truth mirror and take a stand.
To stalker guy: YOU DONT EVER WANT TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE SO DAMN PSYCHO. STAY AWAY FROM ME, MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY
Post by sparkythelawyer on Mar 30, 2016 8:58:38 GMT -5
You know, I woke up this morning still too pissed to buy potatoes at Target (Thank you capscapscaps, for that excellent phrasing). All I keep thinking is that if this "friend" were a woman, we'd be telling you to check his phone for signs of an affair. I hate that he is doing this to you.
Post by mariafromnj on Mar 30, 2016 9:08:00 GMT -5
I didn't post last night but it sounds like people gave you some good advice. Your husband needs to support you and this is not ok. I hope you guys got to talk and that he came to his senses.
Frkls, I read your post last night, then had other stuff to do so I couldn't post. But it got me all worked up, so I told my H the basics of it this morning, just to check what a completely neutral person would do. He said, "So in this scenario, we're assuming I'm still alive?"
We all want the best for you. We want you to be happy. That's why all the jokes about killing our husbands and riding around town with their heads on stakes (which an awesome image, Eagles). We are not making light of your situation. We just can't believe that any H in their right mind would do this. This couldn't happen in real life, could it? It should. not. happen.
I think maybe one thing that is great about you is that you can see other people's pain, you can empathize, and you can go over to "their" side of things. It's probably why you are so amazing with teenagers. It might be why you are feeling for your H, who has been through a lot and just wants a friend.
But today, your H needs to give a little bit back to you. He needs to come over to your side. Maybe he's been used to you understanding him, and has come to take that for granted, but today, he needs to understand you, and your point of view. I hope that he already has, and this psycho guy will be put behind you. (And probably that's why the psycho guy picked your H in the first place; people like that prey on those who are vulnerable.)
I hope this is what happened. I hope today, he is standing by the wife who has stood by him through so much. Sending you huge hugs, Frkls.
I'll say too- someone earlier called him selfish. This feels like more than "selfishness", though. He has exhibited a lot of behavior over the years that shows something deeper. Perhaps narcissism? He really doesn't seem capable of thinking of others - especially you.
And there is NO WAY, at least for a normal person, to know that this behavior is OF COURSE going to upset you. If he claims shock, then really, he's either got some defect and/or he's gaslighting you.
It's been alluded too and I have to agree- I feel that there is more to this relationship than just run of the mill friendship. to what degree, I don't know. But there is just no way someone would really let a person like this back into your lives all in the name of "but I want a good buddy to hang out with!".
GOod luck. I hope the talk went ... o.k., whatever that means in this context. And I'll say this too- you need to not be afraid of being painfully honest and MAD with your DH. The fact that you feel you have to be "productive" sounds like you feel you need to coddle your DH on this, that you need to be nice. I think you need to be HONEST. Honesty is going to matter more here than being nice.
I'm confused by this guy. They've been best buds since forever? So when you lived in TN? So did he move as well? Or did this friendship happen when you moved to the east?
It blows my mind that you got a text from this guy and your husband got angry, but then broke the deal in cutting him out of your lives. Did he think since you broke it first (by responding to his text) that it gave him the green light to hang out again? STILL, not productive. I'm sorry. I'm trying to piece this together. But I agree with what others have said, telling him about your appointment is alarming. All of this is just so, ugh. I'm sorry.
By chance have you talked to your therapist with this new information?
I hope the talk went well frkls, but I gotta say this is a situation where being rational when discussing this is not going to get your point across. Swear, cry, yell, do whatever--but you need to be brutally honest about how this makes you feel. If, after all of that, he disregards your feelings or turns it back on you like you're choosing his friends then you have a much larger issue to deal with.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}
If you need us to mobilize the brute squad, just let us know.
You know, I woke up this morning still too pissed to buy potatoes at Target (Thank you capscapscaps , for that excellent phrasing). All I keep thinking is that if this "friend" were a woman, we'd be telling you to check his phone for signs of an affair. I hate that he is doing this to you.
I need an update on that by the way. Did you ever make it into Target? capscapscaps
frkls Just hugs. Sometimes I know I find myself in situations everyone here and any reasonable outside observer would say, "WTF are you thinking?! Handle this!" And, living inside it, it just seems like there are so many other factors and it seems easier to let it wash over me. I hope you were able to talk to your H and that you know people here care about you.
Post by friendz4eva on Mar 30, 2016 10:48:36 GMT -5
I don't know anything about your (his) history, but I am assuming the relationship came about through a religious affiliation? If you cut ties with this religion (cult? and I don't mean that to be sarcastic) is he having a hard time cutting ties as well? Maybe couples therapy could help? But, maybe since I don't know anything about it I should just shut up...but regardless, hope it all works out.
ETA: Clearly I was completely off base...ignore my comment, but I still hope it works out!