Oh girl, I'm sorry your feeling conflicted and overwhelmed. My cousin had a similar scenario with her third baby and she was really open and honest that it took about 6 months into the pregnancy to not just break into tears over it all. Just know that you're allowed to feel however you feel, don't hold any guilt over it.
Big hugs. My mom went through very similar emotions almost 40 years ago. I have 3 older brothers, the oldest is my bio brother, and the two in the middle are adopted, and then me (the complete surprise) I'm very close with my next oldest brother (I'm close with all 3, just closest to the one closest in age to me) he has never felt like an outsider and he knows how very much my parents wanted each one of us. It took giving birth for my mom to get over her feelings of guilt. She told me that even then she still felt like my next oldest brother would be jealous. But we are so close in age, we tended to be inseparable and kind of off in our own world at times. We even shared a room until middle school.
My youngest great aunt and her husband adopted after years of infertility, they then got pregnant a few years later. The boys were teens when I was old enough to know and they were very close. Now as adults their families have Sunday dinner together every week (barring illness or what have you) and are still very close. My aunt and her husband made sure that both boys knew they were loved and valued and how they joined the family didn't matter. They loved their parents and are happy and successful men now, one is a principal and the other is an accountant. It is clear how very loved L is and that isn't going to change with the new baby, and IME that's all kids need to feel safe and secure, L knows and will know how,loved she is no matter what happens and that will make her feel very much a part of her family.
Post by Monica Geller on May 16, 2016 9:46:00 GMT -5
Holy shit, Rex! Lots of love to you!!
Eta: now I've read the whole thread...to echo others, L will never feel like an outsider! She is and was so very wanted and loved. You are entitled to every feeling you have! So much love to you!!
She will not feel like an outsider. Ever. You're her mommy. That is all that matters.
I am here because of IVF with a combo of my dads sperm and donor sperm. So my dad may not be my biological father. My brother is here the same way. My brother and I are so different that the chance we are only half siblings is pretty strong. My parents have been open about this since we were old enough to understand. But we have no desire to do genetic testing to find out for sure. My dad is my dad. He was there when I was born and has been there my entire life. That is all that matters to me.
That is all that will matter to your daughter. A nurturing, supportive, loving parent is most important, not genetics. I wish you peace.
I'm sending big hugs RexManningDay! I totally understand how you feel right now.
We tried to get pregnant for years and then chose adoption. Our daughter is the most amazing person and we had no desire to ever have a biological child. We didn't plan to have another child, adopted or bio, so we were just living our lives and enjoying the girl who was perfectly placed into our family. During an argument about our sex life (or lack of) one night, I said that I was worried about ever getting pregnant (unexplained infertility diagnosis, so it was always a possibility, but I truly felt like our family was complete) and never wanting to experience that. DH offered to get a V, which I said was silly. Two days later, we had sex ONCE that month, which was all it took. Needless to say, I was completely shocked and upset. I was extremely negative about the whole thing, because I didn't want a biological child and I immediately started worrying about DD feeling like less of a part of our family than this baby. It took me quite a few weeks before I truly became excited about this experience. I am still in disbelief that this is really happening, and will probably feel that way until I am holding the baby.
DD is 4 and she is absolutely thrilled about becoming a big sister (I am due in June). We have a very open adoption and see her birthmother frequently (birthfather less frequently). She has a strong grasp on how she became part of our family and calls her BM her tummy mommy. She says all the time that she grew in BM's tummy, not in Mommy's tummy. Last week, she looked at me and said that she wishes she grew in my tummy like her brother. I was a disaster, because I freaked out that she was already noticing the difference between the two and didn't want her to have any sort of negative feelings about how she came to us. Am I scared that she will someday be mad at us for having a biological child? Absolutely. I worry about her feeling like less of our child than this one, but everyone keeps reassuring me that she won't feel that way. We have poured every ounce of love into that girl for four years and she is 100% our child. I am hoping that she always feels that our love is no different for her than it is for this baby.
That was long, but I wanted you to know our story. I have no idea what the future will look like for our family, but I am trusting that the love we have given to DD will overshadow any negative feelings she might have about being the adopted child vs the biological child. I couldn't imagine our family looking any other way now. I hope this gives you a little hope that it will all be okay. Please feel free to PM me anytime! Hugs!!!
I will tell you this dumb little story. A friend of mine came over last week to borrow my Doppler (and effff I just gave three friends who are having babies in the fall all my maternity clothes) and she was talking to Lydia. She was pointing at her stomach and saying "there's a baby in there!" And L looked at her of course like she was crazy. Then pointed to MY stomach and goes "baby! Mama baby!" Of course I was like "oh noooooo, no babies in my tummy, just Aunt Sally!" BUT NO. :/
I had a similar with this pregnancy. We were trying but I still went into denial and tried to avoid testing. So I can only imagine how you feel.
and your feelings are yours, what other people would do, feel, think is irrelevant. And you do have other options - if it would be that bad for your family this doesn't have to be.
If your only/ main concern is you DD, I think every person who added the second child goes through worries that the first will adjust and how they'll have enough love for both and it works out.
Hugs, Rex. I absolutely can't imagine all the feelings you're processing and I'm sending some peaceful vibes your way. But try not to worry about your daughter's feelings. Families come in all shapes, sizes, and configurations these days, and all that matters is that there's love, laughter, and kindness. And it sounds like you've got that 100% covered.
and let me know if you need anything, obviously we can't go get drinks, but if you need to cope with greasy Mexican food or ice cream or anything just let me know and I can assemble the local crew.