Post by fivechickens on Apr 10, 2018 18:29:42 GMT -5
I am sorry this happened to your daughter. I think you are handling this well. The school is not and sucks.
I do not think pulling her is being dramatic at all but I also like the suggestion of taking her out for a week. Call for a meeting with the director/head teacher and lay it out for them. At that point, if their attitude doesn’t change about the situation pull her. I have never had anything like this happen but I have learned that, around here anyway, schools tend to listen/act more appropriately when parents push.
Post by Miss Phryne Fisher on Apr 10, 2018 18:33:04 GMT -5
Holy shit. I am stuck on questioning them in the same room. I would pull her if you can at all swing it.
I might also consider finding out where to go beyond this director. If there is any governing body, etc. (I know about the Montessori philosophy, but don't know how their schools function). Someone needs a shitton more training.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I find the school's response even more concerning than the initial event. I would not feel safe at all in that environment.
I am not an expert on this so feel free not to take my advice. But I just wanted to throw this out there - does she like school? Does she have friends and connections there that she loves? My fear is that pulling her will seem like a punishment to her if she loses things that are important to her and that she cares about. I guess I'd be a little concerned that that would send the wrong message - that reporting sexual assault will mean you get punished and lose the things you care about.
Which is, actually, unfortunately true much of the time, but I have some small hope that this is changing for her generation and that won't be her future experience.
I am not suggesting you shouldn't pull her because of this, just wanted to mention that in case it's something you want to consider. Regardless of whether you pull her out or not, I hope you do continue to push the administration on this. I know they can't watch every kid every second, but this sounds like something that didn't happen in a split second and that's really not at all acceptable that nobody was paying enough attention to stop him.
Post by notsopicky on Apr 10, 2018 18:47:35 GMT -5
Parent and teacher, here--I'm just going to hop on the train here and say BURN THAT SHIT DOWN. Your daughter was sexually assaulted, and your HUSBAND is being fucking DRAMATIC? Oh hell no, director, honey.
I do agree w/ wildrice, though, would removing her be like a punishment to her? I'd guess that's not the message you want here...
And GTFO w/ this 'moving him up to 1st grade' bullshit. Fuck that.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I find the school's response even more concerning than the initial event. I would not feel safe at all in that environment.
Agreed.
Also, how old is your daughter? You mention the boy is 6 and there’s a 3 year spread in the classroom. It’s even more problematic to me if there’s a natural mismatch in maturity (and thus power) that further contributed to your daughter’s reaction to the boy’s demand. I don’t think I could get past the school’s reaction regardless. but if the school is outright dismissing a power imbalance that may have contributed to the violation? I think I’d be on a warpath.
Who the fuck is this director to be demanding that you make your decision of whether to withdraw her by “first thing in the morning”? No. You make your decision in your own fucking time.
Jesus. I think tell her again and again that no one has the right to touch or her private parts. That she did nothing wrong. I am heartsick for your daughter.
That school would be facing a wrath the likes they have never known.
I am so sorry for your DD, but hats off to you and your husband for your handling of things. I want to echo others - please escalate this to any licensing office, the department of education, accreditation, etc. Their position of defensiveness tells me they probably know they messed up (not supervising the kids for a long period perhaps?) and are obviously not handling that well.
Jesus. I think tell her again and again that no one has the right to touch or her private parts. That she did nothing wrong. I am heartsick for your daughter.
That school would be facing a wrath the likes they have never known.
from what my H has told me he blew them up. They continuously tried talking over him and to downplay it and he was not having any of it. He even told the you are the reason victims dont come forward to which they responded well we are women too. And he said well then why are you so blind to what is going on here and handling it so backwards? he said they just looked at him.
what the hell? This is getting worse and worse. Your husband is awesome for handling this immediately and not backing down. You both sound like great parents. hugs to you.
Post by coltsfan85 on Apr 10, 2018 19:37:09 GMT -5
I’m on team burn it down. As a teacher, I would be rethinking my job choice if that happened in my classroom. Like basically assuming I would be fired instantly. Because at my school, I absolutely would. That is unacceptable.
I’m not a parent but I would contact a victim advocate and probably a lawyer. The lawyer can contact licensing boards, etc. People in charge need to know that this school is not looking out for the best interest in their kids.
I think you’re approaching everything right with your DD. I’m glad she has parents willing to stick up for her and teach her how to advocate for herself in a very difficult situation.
Just FTR for those that have concerns about the age spread, that's 100% normal in Montessori schools. 0-3, 3-6, etc., are how the children are grouped.
OP, I'm so so sorry your daughter is going through this. No reaction is over the top, IMO. If the director's response tomorrow is still so lackadaisical, I'd inform her that you're going to let the other parents know what happened.
Jesus. I think tell her again and again that no one has the right to touch or her private parts. That she did nothing wrong. I am heartsick for your daughter.
That school would be facing a wrath the likes they have never known.
from what my H has told me he blew them up. They continuously tried talking over him and to downplay it and he was not having any of it. He even told the you are the reason victims dont come forward to which they responded well we are women too. And he said well then why are you so blind to what is going on here and handling it so backwards? he said they just looked at him.
Women without any sense, it seems. it is frightening how early this kind of behavior starts and how early it is dismissed, covered up and excused. I even tell my daughters, when they are fighting or even when horseplay goes too far, when someone tells you to stop, you stop. Immediately. Do not put your hands on someone when they do not want it and you certainly stop when they tell you to. Be they family, friend or stranger. No one gets to do that to your body without your say so.
I am so happy your daughter got to witness her dad fighting for her and I imagine that helped her tell him exactly how it made her feel. I want to hug all of you and then I want to go rip a new one to all those people in the school who have failed your daughter.
Post by formerlyak on Apr 10, 2018 20:04:46 GMT -5
Sorry I don’t have time to read the whole thing and this may be a repeat, but I’d go above the director and talk to either the owner or the board (it’s very rare the director is also the owner).
I read your follow-up. YOU SHOULD NOT BE THE ONE FINDING ALTERNATIVE AFTERCARE. If they cannot be separated during that time then he should be the one that isn’t allowed to be at aftercare.
Post by NewOrleans on Apr 10, 2018 20:11:56 GMT -5
oh my.
I am so incredibly sorry for your baby girl and you/H.
I'm sorry if I'm repeating others.
Regarding your child, I would reaffirm a talk about bodily agency, good touch/bad touch, and using your voice. After Penn State, I remember reading that sometimes children are abused because they fear being rude, so practicing loud "no, don't touch me!" messages might be important.
Re: the other child and the school... I bet they are mandated reporters, and I think this might fall within the realm of mandated reporting, as that child may be re-enacting sexual abuse he has received. (I don't know how old he is?)
Post by starburst604 on Apr 10, 2018 20:27:26 GMT -5
I don’t have any advice that hasn’t already been given but I didn’t want to read and not let you know that I am sick over this for you.
My mom friends at our daycare call me the laid-back one about things they get riled about, but I’ll tell you one thing that would send me straight into burn it down mode - something like this. I have ZERO tolerance for children being put in situations like this. I would completely lose my shit. This director is wrong, wrong, WRONG. I hope she ends up losing her job. She shouldn’t be managing the well-being of any children anywhere.
I just read this and not only did they handle everything so poorly but I really don’t like the director telling you to call them “first thing in the morning” with your decision. I feel like that is trying to pressure you to decide something quickly. I think you should take your time and let them squirm for a bit. You have every right to be upset and they should not be trivializing you or your husband’s feelings.
I am really sorry that your daughter had that experience at school, a place she likely really loved. It's just disgraceful that the school isn't supporting her (and her family), that's heartless- and just SO stupid (with social media/news being what it is).
Public school will usually have a very short turn around for admittance, so, if you decide to move her early, it's probably your best option.
I hope, after a night to dwell on it, the people at that school get their heads out of their asses, but, I imagine it will be too little/too late. I also hope tomorrow is a much better day for your daughter, and that she's proud of herself for having such a quick response (that "get an adult" thing can be really tough)!
I really can't get past the fact that there were 3 teachers in the room and NO ONE saw this happen. If they needed to be having a group discussion they should have arranged for alternate coverage for the class.
I would demand that the boy be separated from your DD during after care. It is their responsibility to keep her safe. The boys parents need to be the ones making alternate arrangements.
Post by ThirdandLong on Apr 11, 2018 8:57:03 GMT -5
On the topic of empowering your daughter - perhaps you might think about allowing her to take a karate class (or something similar like judo or tae kwon do, depending on what's offered in your town). I know in these classes they emphasize that you use karate in defense, and you can let your daughter know that she can defend her privacy, her body with what she learns in karate. This could be empowering, and she isn't too young for a beginners class. It's also good exercise and socialization.
I also cannot believe the ages range from 3-6? Absolutely report. I hate that this happened, but god forbid another issue happens at this school they need training on how to handle it - they did everything wrong! The school cannot function like this and escalating will hopefully help.
I am so sorry for your DD. I know the other little one is young, but I do wonder how much it actually takes to be suspended/expelled? Seems to me like he should at least be suspended, especially so your daughter can feel safe there while you decide on next steps.
Post by mrs.jacinthe on Apr 11, 2018 9:27:23 GMT -5
Look, I'm not a parent, so I don't have a right to speak here, but there is not a single step of this process that they have handled well. I would go back in today, in person, probably during drop off. And I would refuse to leave until a) I had assurance via a concrete action plan/steps that this will not happen again to my child OR any other and b) I had an actual apology, to my child, from the adults in question because they let her down. And then I'd look her in the face and ask her if she'd like to stay there or if she'd like to go somewhere else for the rest of the year.
I feel like shuffling this kid off to the 7-9 year old class is doing nothing beyond moving this issue to a different group of children. And I'm also concerned that they didn't attempt to evaluate the kid for a home abuse situation before they called his parents. "You have to" sounds like something one learns from a family member. I mean, he could just be a bully. But it sounds like there's something more icky at play here.
I didn't want to read and not respond. So sorry this happened to your DD. It sounds like you're handling things really well for her. Dramatic, my ass. This happened in a CLASSROOM. JFC. I'm not a teacher or parent but would it be legal for them to install cameras? I would be livid.