Post by Doc_Lobster on Mar 3, 2013 23:58:32 GMT -5
Maybe you should start small, like not going to their house.
Also, my mind is blown by his wife. I mean, I get that he was her son and she loves him even if he did something terrible. I would never expect a mother to stop loving her son. However, it seems like she doesn't even care that he did something terrible. It would kill her to be a little damn sensitive?
Maybe you should start small, like not going to their house.
Also, my mind is blown by his wife. I mean, I get that he was her son and she loves him even if he did something terrible. I would never expect a mother to stop loving her son. However, it seems like she doesn't even care that he did something terrible. It would kill her to be a little damn sensitive?
i finished trying to figure her out finally last year when she hung a picture of him as a child in their house. and i asked her to take it down and she was all "ok, i'll take it down sara, but he is my son."
I have been in a similar situation and it sucks to have someone you love choose your abuser over you. It definitely ruined my relationship with the person.
I haven't dealt with anything as awful as your experience w your stepbrother, but went through a very, very similr thing w my dad this year over his long time gf(14 years) and our relationship. Mourning the dad I THOUGHT I had and accepting who he actually is. We are not close anymore in the way we were but I feel freer and healthier putting the boundary there to deal w the reality of who he is and the reality that he puts her before me. HE does that, not her. It's hard, but honestly dealing w the truth is...., at least honest. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's not easy re just the parent stuff, let alone on top of abuse, etc.
I'm so sorry. I think PPS have a point, maybe you could be more open about it, if it helps. I understand your apprehension in cutting your dad out, and I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. GL, any choice you make will be the right one, as everyone else involved is way out of line, know that.
Post by montereybride on Mar 4, 2013 0:44:23 GMT -5
Snips said everything that is in my heart, Sara.
You deserve to have a father who protected you and didn't fail you and is on your side 100%. But the flip side of that coin is that his wife deserves to have a husband who supports her 100%. But he at least needs to be upfront and honest with you that he cannot give you what you need so that you will stop expecting it and so that you will stop being blindsided by his betrayals. Expecting that much from him is not too much.
Your step-mother loves the monster she carried for nine months, gave birth to, and raised. She's allowed to do that. She's allowed to hang his pictures in her home. And it's not fair. And it sucks. And you absolutely have the right to be angry at the fucked up hand you've been dealt. You're allowed to be angry with your father for betraying you and for failing to protect you time and time again as you were hurt by this monster he brought into your life.
The only person you can change in this situation is you. You can lower your expectations. You can love your dad but be angry that he let you down. You can be angry that he's choosing to stay married to this woman and continues to put her and her needs above yours. You can be angry that you will never have the relationship that you want and need with him. But you can't change him. You can't make him choose you over his wife. And I know that's not fair.
If you can't lower your expectations you may have to decide if you can have your dad in your life at all. I know that's not a choice you want to make and I really think a therapist can help you work through everything you're feeling, including all of the contradictory feelings you're dealing with. Burying everything doesn't make it go away. That's not how PTSD works.
I know that cutting him out of your life will have an effect on all of your other relationships and that's not fair either and I'm so sorry. You are only responsible for you and your happiness, not how your actions and how you need to protect yourself will effect others. Your husband and your children need you to be a whole person. They deserve that. Please be kind to yourself. Please take the steps that you need to take to get well. Burying the pain doesn't help. I know compartmentalizing is helpful for a time, but it is not a long term solution.
You are in my thoughts and I'm sending so much love your way. (((Sara)))
Oh Sara, I am so sorry. So so sorry. It's always hard when a parent disappoints you, even over trivial things, so I can't even imagine your pain over this. I'm sure the hurt is magnified as now it's like he is forcing your hand to have to have a different relationship with him (if at all), when NONE of this was your fault in the first place.
Please do talk to someone, and let me know if you ever need an ear.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Mar 4, 2013 0:59:26 GMT -5
Monterey has wise words here.
I am so sorry your father is letting you down here. But I have to wonder what kind of relationship you have with him at this point anyway? Does he call? Participate in your life voluntarily? Visit the boys? I have a hunch at this point you are doing 85% of the heavy lifting in this relationship anyway. Which makes me wonder: What would happen if you just stopped? Stop making the extra effort and let this relationship fade away like a bad friendship you read about on these boards.
Yes. You will miss out on stuff. But what you are missing isn't the "great fun" or these "great bonding times." What you are missing is this brief sensation that you can pretend, for a little while, that everything is peachy keen and you guys are one big happy family. But you're not.
And where are your sisters in this mess? Why are they not having your back?
You are good people, Sara, and I am sorry this is happening to you.
if i could punch that stupid pig fucker in the fucking jaw, I would! I would totally kick his ass up and down the goddamned appalachian trail but that selfish prick would probably LIKE it!
Post by melindafelinda on Mar 4, 2013 2:47:01 GMT -5
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I have a very complicated relationship with my own father.
As far as wanting a relationship with him and for your kids to have a relationship with him, I think that you want a relationship with who you WANT him to be and not who he really is. He is not someone that is dependable and responsible with your feelings. So why would he be any better at taking care of your children's feelings?
I'm so, so sorry. I just feel sick for you right now. I wish he hadn't done this. I wish you'd put your feelings first. I don't understand how he could make that decision, knowing how it would hurt you.
(((hugs))) You deserve better than this from him. I'm so sorry.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Mar 4, 2013 8:14:29 GMT -5
I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I wholeheartedly agree with Monterey. Please don't go to their house, ever again.
I'm so so sorry you don't have the dad you thought you did. I'm sorry your sisters will have to be uncomfortable for a little while as they figure out the new normal. But you're right, this is fucking unfair and shitty. I love you a lot. Call me if you need me, I'm on spring break this week
Have they ever really acknowledged that they believe you when you say that he raped and molested you? Does the mother?
I don't know what to tell you other than to think about if you are really ready to have your dad out of your life for a while and maybe forever. Let him know exactly how he has failed you, because that is what has happened. He has failed you at the most basic of parenting jobs, protecting your children.
I am so sorry. Unfortunately I can relate to your pain and it really does hurt. I'm sorry that he continues to put your needs aside and make his stupid wife and her son the priority. I know that you love your father, but clearly he is not who you need him to be. It's hard to open the delicate part of yourself to someone and bear your soul-only to feel like they weren't listening or didn't take it to heart anyway. Clearly he doesn't understand how much all of this has affected you.
I am so sorry. You have every right to feel the way you do.
I had so many thoughts going through my mind but in the end, monterey said exactly what I wanted to say. I don't think there will ever be a middle ground here and you certainly don't have to keep caving in to keep the peace.
It seems like your best bet here is to set new expectations with your father. He clearly will not budge for you and I can only imagine how much that hurts. It just isn't fair to feel like you can't move on peacefully because as soon as this time of year comes around you are forced to remember this fucker all over again.
My suggestion is to remove anyone in the wife's family, including your father from FB (if your father or SM are even on it). Explain to your father that it has to be this way because you don't need to see that creep's picture pop up everyfuckingfebruary.
I wish I had something more helpful to say I just wish peace for you. I really do