i'm sorry this thread is so long and isn't dying...but it feels kind of nice to get this out of my head.
Don't EVER feel sorry about ANY of this. Ever ever ever. You have NOTHING to feel ashamed of and if this alone is helping relieve any of the hurt and anger, it's worth fucking thirty, fifty, a hundred pages.
Please, Sara, go back to see a counselor. At some point, I think, you need to bring your dad in and tell him, in the words you've told us, how his treatment of you, his wife, and her son has affected you and still affects you - and your relationship with him to this day.
I so want to pet your hair. You deserve none of this.
sara, you go right ahead and post your heart out as much as you want, as often as you want.
Having gone through sexual abuse in my past, once I decided to reveal what had happened, as painful as it was and still is, somehow talking about it helped, it's like purging toxins in my system every time I do talk about it and it helps me reinforce that I did nothing wrong, I didn't deserve it, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of or sorry about and the same is true for YOU.
We are all here for you and want to help you with the hurt.
It sounds like your stepmother never addressed or dealt with the issues of abuse in her childhood, so why would she want you to process feelings about yours? Don't you know that shit needs to be buried? (NOT!) This is classic denial that her boy could never do these things. She didn't have the ability to stop the cycle of abuse in her family (I do believe it is strongly suspect that your stepbrother was probably molested by her father). Not that this excuses ANY of the behavior. Not at all. There really are just some people out there who think that if you bury the bad stuff and just don't think about it, then it never happened (this is totally my family). It does not work that way, and that kind of thinking is what keeps the cycle of abuse continuing.
Good for you for putting yourself and your family first. Sue's post above rings true to me as well. For so long I've put so much effort to keep my stupid abusers happy to keep the peace, not realizing the damage that it was doing to ME, but also to my husband and children. So much anger, sadness, and energy has gone to people who really don't deserve any attention.
It's bullshit that your father continues to go along with her despite knowing how much it has hurt you. I really like the PP idea about going to counseling and then bringing in your dad when you are ready, then you have someone supportive there who will protect you.
Post by mrlittlejeans on Mar 5, 2013 11:22:33 GMT -5
Ok, another lurker with some thoughts. First off, I know you don't know me, but I am just so saddened by what happened to you. It is such an awful situation and I'm not sure that you can ever be rid of that pain.
Second, if I were your father, there is NO WAY I could have that rapist's pictures up in my bedroom. I feel sick just thinking about having to look at someone's face that hurt my child. I know how important marriage is, but I just know that I would not have been able to stay married to your stepmother if I were him. I know he is your father and you love him, but I just have to think he is in denial or something to be able to live with her and to look at the stepbrother's disgusting face/pictures all of the time.
How about you let this post go on for as long as you want, and we keep talking with you. Then when you want it to stop, we all just shut up, okay?
this is making me cry. and i haven't cried all day, dammit! thank you. i will. i guess i need to talk about it more than i realised.
and @gypsy i am going to take booby's advice. i thought about it a lot last night and today and think that it will help me to talk to someone in order to figure out things with my dad. and i don't know when i'll ask him to come and talk with me there, if i ever even do, but i need to settle this in my own head for my own sake. and i don't want to feel like i am going to a therapist to appease him or help him in any way.
and honestly, i'm not sure that therapy would be for any purpose other than dealing with this shit about my dad. i have spoken about the abuse to several different counselors and kind of feel that its run its course as a main issue for me. i will always have residual effects because of it. it will always have happened and i will never get to the point of forgiveness. and i think that right now i am alright with that.
sara, whatever you need. talk as long as you need to talk. with us, with someone else, whatever.
i know that you're getting this message here through all of the responses, but i'm just going to say it outright: nothing you are feeling, nothing you are thinking, nothing you are thinking of doing is in any way weird or wrong or abnormal or any other negative qualifier you might put on it. you have been asked to deal with more than anyone should be on numerous levels, and you've done it so far. that you need a little reset right now, well, we all do sometimes over far less. you are a remarkable, thoughtful person. you can come out of this feeling better. we all know it. we have faith in you.
((hugs)) Your father should absolutely be supporting you, the fact that he doesn't understand that is HIS issue not yours. I have a similar story involving a half-sibling, I've had no relationship with this person for more than a decade and seriously, fuck the person who thinks I should get over it or that they would be caught between a rock and hard place.
I wonder how much he truly believes you and I hate to say that. I don't see how he can have the protective reaction to his wife, but not for his own child. How is that possible?
Perhaps therapy, not necessarily about what happened, but really about the aftermath. About you and your dad. I don't think you need to dredge up the memories again at this point if you don't want to, but it seems like you are struggling to find a way to make this work with you and your dad, not just for you but I also imagine for the sake of your boys.
I can tell you, if my parent reacted this way, it would tell me that they don't believe me. They think I dreamed it, imagined it, something.
Oh sara, I'm sorry and I'll just reiterate that everything you are feeling is normal. I just can't believe he is still is not supporting you, I am amazed you have kept it together and have still been able to have a pretty decent relationship with him for so long. I don't want to go off on a rant so I'll just stop here.
I think therapy is a wonderful idea, bring him, don't bring him. Just go for you. Big hugs.
I can tell you, if my parent reacted this way, it would tell me that they don't believe me. They think I dreamed it, imagined it, something.
Dude, 1000 percent. I was abused in college and when I finally came partially clean to my parents my dad called him and told him if he ever so much as called me again he would be dead, in a ditch. I've talked to them about it since than and they said at that point they figured I had been raped but I didn't actually tell them until years later. His reaction may have been a bit extreme but I knew they believed me and were going to do anything they could to help me get in a place where I felt safe again.
i'm alright. i hung a couple of things in my bedroom that required power tools and hammering, so that was kind of nice. and i think i'm going to make a mojito with dinner.
i am going to sit down in a bit and look for a therapist and then call tomorrow.
my husband asked me if i thought it would do me some good to write my dad a letter. i'm not sure that i want to or not. the idea of getting to tell him what a fucking asshole coward he is has a great appeal, but i just feel unsure of whether or not i want to share any thought or feeling i am having with him. though i did think that it would be nice to throw a picture of my 10 year-old self in with that letter so he remembers how small and undamaged i was.
and then i keep thinking about how he tried to manipulate me yesterday with the 'treat me like shit' comment and i get mad all over again.
of course, my head has also been floating back to the dozens of things he has said and done in the past to make me feel bad. its not feeling productive. i was thinking of writing a list of them all to remember and just have them out of my brain, but that just feels painful too.
and then i think to myself 'what if he died today? how bad would i feel? how angry would i be that i didnt get to tell him that his actions are inexcusable? would it even matter? will it make it worse? will i even have the strength to redefine how i relate to him or will i just cave and go back to repressing everything just so i dont have to deal with it?'
in summary, i just feel mindfucked.
and as far as the idea of him not believing me, i'm not sure. i always thought that he did and he has never said otherwise to me. i can't remember if it was my sister or my stepmom that brought her son's mental health issues into the equation once. maybe he thinks that played a part in it and uses that as an excuse. i don't know. it wasn't until several years later that he had problems anyway.
Post by coribelle26 on Mar 5, 2013 18:56:46 GMT -5
Sara, I was just thinking about this today, do you think that since your dad offered to go to counseling with you, that he would go WITHOUT you? If you said to him, listen, I'm not ready to talk all of this through with you again but I wish you would get some objective help to understand why our relationship is the way it is?
Obviously the effectiveness of this is completely dependent on what version of things he gives to the therapist, but it's possible that someone would be able to help him see the problem with the way he's behaved even if you're not there, reliving everything with him.
i'm alright. i hung a couple of things in my bedroom that required power tools and hammering, so that was kind of nice. and i think i'm going to make a mojito with dinner.
i am going to sit down in a bit and look for a therapist and then call tomorrow.
my husband asked me if i thought it would do me some good to write my dad a letter. i'm not sure that i want to or not. the idea of getting to tell him what a fucking asshole coward he is has a great appeal, but i just feel unsure of whether or not i want to share any thought or feeling i am having with him. though i did think that it would be nice to throw a picture of my 10 year-old self in with that letter so he remembers how small and undamaged i was.
and then i keep thinking about how he tried to manipulate me yesterday with the 'treat me like shit' comment and i get mad all over again.
of course, my head has also been floating back to the dozens of things he has said and done in the past to make me feel bad. its not feeling productive. i was thinking of writing a list of them all to remember and just have them out of my brain, but that just feels painful too.
and then i think to myself 'what if he died today? how bad would i feel? how angry would i be that i didnt get to tell him that his actions are inexcusable? would it even matter? will it make it worse? will i even have the strength to redefine how i relate to him or will i just cave and go back to repressing everything just so i dont have to deal with it?'
in summary, i just feel mindfucked.
and as far as the idea of him not believing me, i'm not sure. i always thought that he did and he has never said otherwise to me. i can't remember if it was my sister or my stepmom that brought her son's mental health issues into the equation once. maybe he thinks that played a part in it and uses that as an excuse. i don't know. it wasn't until several years later that he had problems anyway.
Treat me like shit comment? Did my mind literally reject this?
You know, you could potentially write the letter, and then take your time deciding whether or not you want to actually give it to him. I have no idea what that's supposed to do, but people always talk about writing letters and not sending them with the indication that this is a good thing, so...?
i'm alright. i hung a couple of things in my bedroom that required power tools and hammering, so that was kind of nice. and i think i'm going to make a mojito with dinner.
i am going to sit down in a bit and look for a therapist and then call tomorrow.
my husband asked me if i thought it would do me some good to write my dad a letter. i'm not sure that i want to or not. the idea of getting to tell him what a fucking asshole coward he is has a great appeal, but i just feel unsure of whether or not i want to share any thought or feeling i am having with him. though i did think that it would be nice to throw a picture of my 10 year-old self in with that letter so he remembers how small and undamaged i was.
and then i keep thinking about how he tried to manipulate me yesterday with the 'treat me like shit' comment and i get mad all over again.
of course, my head has also been floating back to the dozens of things he has said and done in the past to make me feel bad. its not feeling productive. i was thinking of writing a list of them all to remember and just have them out of my brain, but that just feels painful too.
and then i think to myself 'what if he died today? how bad would i feel? how angry would i be that i didnt get to tell him that his actions are inexcusable? would it even matter? will it make it worse? will i even have the strength to redefine how i relate to him or will i just cave and go back to repressing everything just so i dont have to deal with it?'
in summary, i just feel mindfucked.
and as far as the idea of him not believing me, i'm not sure. i always thought that he did and he has never said otherwise to me. i can't remember if it was my sister or my stepmom that brought her son's mental health issues into the equation once. maybe he thinks that played a part in it and uses that as an excuse. i don't know. it wasn't until several years later that he had problems anyway.
Treat me like shit comment? Did my mind literally reject this?
You know, you could potentially write the letter, and then take your time deciding whether or not you want to actually give it to him. I have no idea what that's supposed to do, but people always talk about writing letters and not sending them with the indication that this is a good thing, so...?
yes. he called me yesterday and asked if i would go to counseling with him. i told him 'no thank you' and his response was something to the effect of 'so you're just going to keep treating me like shit?'
the more i think about it, the more manipulative i realize it is. so weird.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Mar 5, 2013 19:19:45 GMT -5
My whole body just hunched at that. I saw that he had asked you to go to counseling, but... oh man, what an awful person. And for so long he had you convinced that the little crumbs of fatherliness he gave you were above and beyond.
Treat me like shit comment? Did my mind literally reject this?
You know, you could potentially write the letter, and then take your time deciding whether or not you want to actually give it to him. I have no idea what that's supposed to do, but people always talk about writing letters and not sending them with the indication that this is a good thing, so...?
yes. he called me yesterday and asked if i would go to counseling with him. i told him 'no thank you' and his response was something to the effect of 'so you're just going to keep treating me like shit?'
the more i think about it, the more manipulative i realize it is. so weird.
This is when I would want to say, "Well, as long as you keep treating me like a liar who doesn't deserve your protection, I guess so!"
yes. he called me yesterday and asked if i would go to counseling with him. i told him 'no thank you' and his response was something to the effect of 'so you're just going to keep treating me like shit?'
the more i think about it, the more manipulative i realize it is. so weird.
This is when I would want to say, "Well, as long as you keep treating me like a liar who doesn't deserve your protection, I guess so!"
Oh, I get burned up about this.
i was pretty aghast when he said it. i just laughed and said "oh, thats really nice dad." and then told him i had the boys in the car and couldn't talk.
Writing a letter may be painful. But dude, you're already in pain. At least you have the POTENTIAL to get some benefit out of it, instead of in this turmoil with no light to see out.
I wrote a few things in a letter to my xh, who sexually, mentally and emotionally abused me for years. It did help. I never sent the letter, I just threw it away. But that situation was different. It's up to you whether to give him a letter or not, but the release may be good for you.
If your dad is now resorting to petty manipulation to make HIMSELF feel better about YOUR misfortune, then jesus.
This is when I would want to say, "Well, as long as you keep treating me like a liar who doesn't deserve your protection, I guess so!"
Oh, I get burned up about this.
i was pretty aghast when he said it. i just laughed and said "oh, thats really nice dad." and then told him i had the boys in the car and couldn't talk.
No.
He does not get to continue saying shit like this and get away with it while you laugh it off and quickly hang up. You need to write that letter, in as much graphic detail as you can handle, and detail for him exactly all the ways he failed you as a father. And continues to fail you to this day. And if you want to call him a giant fucking asshole, that would be appropriate too.
This is when I would want to say, "Well, as long as you keep treating me like a liar who doesn't deserve your protection, I guess so!"
Oh, I get burned up about this.
i was pretty aghast when he said it. i just laughed and said "oh, thats really nice dad." and then told him i had the boys in the car and couldn't talk.