why would she say that? because she was raped by her dad for years and she figured that her son was messed with too.
Ooooook. This explains a lot. Did she ever get help?
I don't think you can expect any kind of a reasonable response from her, she is pretty well fucked up on her own.
she did. i was pretty young when things came to a head for her about this, so i don't remember much. but you know what i do remember? my dad, saying that he wished he could kill her dad for doing that to her.
oh, i'm sure there is blame somewhere. i'm not sure of it since i've never been told, but i would imagine there is.
i have never really had a conversation about what happened. when my dad first told her about it she came outside crying when i pulled up in the driveway after work. she was crying and hugged me and said she was sorry and the very next thing she said was 'this must mean that (nameofpigfuckerhere) was molested too."
why would she say that? because she was raped by her dad for years and she figured that her son was messed with too.
She was probably immediately looking for some reason he would do that. She can't fathom someone she raised would do this, if it wasn't done to them.
I wonder if you should ask both of them to counseling with you. Then your dad would have to witness your stepmom being set straight about her blaming (outwardly or more subtle) and fuckery.
my dad called me this afternoon and asked if i would go to a counselor with him. i declined.
eh...i'm sure anything is possible, but that would be like saying its possible i would do that to either of my kids because it happened to me. and i don't like throwing that kind of thing around, because the thought of ever touching my children like that makes me sick.
It's unfair that the people who do this shit never seem to have to pay for it.
absolutely.
its funny, i have heard a few times how i am so lucky that he's dead and i don't have to deal with him anymore. and all i can think of is that he created all of this, and left it without having to deal with shit. AND! there is no way i deal with what he did less than what i did before he died.
my dad called me this afternoon and asked if i would go to a counselor with him. i declined.
have you guys ever tried counselling together?
have you considered the fact that any counsellor worth $2 would rip your dad a new one for the way he has handled this particular situation? you may not want that to happen. or maybe you do. idk. i just know that that's how it would probably go down.
i have considered that, yes. but at this point, i have no desire to share any personal feelings with him. i do not want him to hear or see me cry. i do not want to be vulnerable to him.
and there is that little part of me that thinks i would probably hear the "well, thats his wife" bullshit and i'd just not be able to deal with that.
She was probably immediately looking for some reason he would do that. She can't fathom someone she raised would do this, if it wasn't done to them.
I wonder if you should ask both of them to counseling with you. Then your dad would have to witness your stepmom being set straight about her blaming (outwardly or more subtle) and fuckery.
my dad called me this afternoon and asked if i would go to a counselor with him. i declined.
i have considered that, yes. but at this point, i have no desire to share any personal feelings with him. i do not want him to hear or see me cry. i do not want to be vulnerable to him.
and there is that little part of me that thinks i would probably hear the "well, thats his wife" bullshit and i'd just not be able to deal with that.
i can't imagine that a counsellor (a normal, non-crazy one) would be like, 'well that's his wife and so you just have to deal'. i just can't. one other option if you ever want to consider this further is having a few sessions with the counsellor by yourselves (you alone and he alone) before you merge to doing it together. this is how i approached the probs with my parents many years ago (we didn't speak for over 3 years, remember, granted, the reasons were nothing compared to this) -- and i needed that reassurance that i wouldn't just be told 'oh well' in our family counselling sessions. it was a good approach and it ended up working the way i had hoped.
but aside from my personal experience, it is of course your prerogative to decline and i do understand why you did. just wanted to give you that added perspective b/c of what quesara just said.
and also - you want to maintain a relationship with him, which would be really hard to do under these circumstances. you can't bury this forever, sara. at the very least, i hope that you consider talking to someone. i can't imagine how hard this would be to work through in your head. love your guts, saget.
I like this suggestion. Give yourself a bit of time to warm up to the idea. Make the counseling on your terms. You pick the therapist, go a few times before you invite him to join you, make it a safe place for YOU.
Your response has essentially made me out to be a heartless bitch. Thanks. I'm hoping Sara has more sense than that.
I'm not saying that Sara needs to be sensitive to her step-mom. But the fact is that the step-mom is allowed to love and remember the child she gave birth to. And Sara gets to be angry about that. It's fucked up and not fair. But it is reality. Sara can only control herself, not the actions, desires, thoughts, and feelings of others. I don't want to see her to continue to be hurt. But these people are still allowed to live whatever fucked up lives they choose to live. And Sara has to figure out how to deal with that. They aren't going to change. They are going to keep hurting her. Her dad is going to keep failing her. Her step-mom is going to keep expecting her husband to support her.
eh...i do feel like you have an expectation that i am to accept that this is how marriage is. and that it isn't about me, as a person or a daughter, but about supporting your wife. but i am used to hearing that, so maybe i am a bit desensitized.
however, what i think you fail to understand, is that at the end of the day i am left to shoulder the burden of thee past while my stepmom can act as though it never happened and my dad can appease his wife and not really have to deal with it either. and at the end of it all my dad will continue to attend celebrations in honor of the person that raped his daughter. in her room. at the age of 10 and 11.
by not standing up to his wife, he is silently validating each and every time his wife's son snuck into my room and masturbated at the edge of my bed while he fondled me. he is allowing the physical and emotional pain i felt and continue to feel from being forced to have sex when i was barely old enough to have my period silently be understood. by not standing up to her, he is saying that i do not matter. he is saying that the life of the person that did this is something that deserves to be remembered, even after his death.
and by doing this, he is most certainly not showing me the definition of marriage.
Have you ever told him this, in these exact words? Precisely this? Not some watered down, polite version of it, but precisely this?
I'm almost of a mind that you should print this and hand it to him the next time he wants to talk about counseling, or why you two aren't as close anymore.
eh...i do feel like you have an expectation that i am to accept that this is how marriage is. and that it isn't about me, as a person or a daughter, but about supporting your wife. but i am used to hearing that, so maybe i am a bit desensitized.
however, what i think you fail to understand, is that at the end of the day i am left to shoulder the burden of thee past while my stepmom can act as though it never happened and my dad can appease his wife and not really have to deal with it either. and at the end of it all my dad will continue to attend celebrations in honor of the person that raped his daughter. in her room. at the age of 10 and 11.
by not standing up to his wife, he is silently validating each and every time his wife's son snuck into my room and masturbated at the edge of my bed while he fondled me. he is allowing the physical and emotional pain i felt and continue to feel from being forced to have sex when i was barely old enough to have my period silently be understood. by not standing up to her, he is saying that i do not matter. he is saying that the life of the person that did this is something that deserves to be remembered, even after his death.
and by doing this, he is most certainly not showing me the definition of marriage.
Have you ever told him this, in these exact words? Precisely this? Not some watered down, polite version of it, but precisely this?
I'm almost of a mind that you should print this and hand it to him the next time he wants to talk about counseling, or why you two aren't as close anymore.
not that graphically, no. but i have said those words to him, yes.
Have you ever told him this, in these exact words? Precisely this? Not some watered down, polite version of it, but precisely this?
I'm almost of a mind that you should print this and hand it to him the next time he wants to talk about counseling, or why you two aren't as close anymore.
not that graphically, no. but i have said those words to him, yes.
its not because of him. its because of me. it is very difficult for me to talk about it like that. it hurts. its embarrassing. its shameful. its gross and i just don't like to lay it out there like that. it just sort of typed itself earlier.
Post by textbookcase on Mar 4, 2013 23:22:40 GMT -5
Sara, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was molested by my stepbrother from the ages of 12 - 16. When I finally told my parents, he was kicked out of the house and I haven't seen him since I was about 17. I know my stepfather visits him once a year or so and of course I understand, he's his son. I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if my parents hadn't fully supported me and backed me up. I don't think what your dad is doing is fair to you. Ugh. I'm sorry
I'm so sorry you have to deal with the abuse, still, so many years later. I didn't read all the replies, but of those I read Sue Sue's makes the most sense to me. You dad is absolutely not helping, he is hurting you still.
I'm thinking of those countries where great war crimes have been committed. If they go through those reconciliation and remembrance tribunals, healing takes place and the country can move forward. The important thing is that the crimes are brought to light and recognized for what they were.
As things stand, you're not getting that, you're bearing the burden of a family's denial of your pain. Yet you have to find a way to put this to rest, to get closure somehow. Your dad has offered to go to counseling with you. That seems like a step in the right direction. Not having been through something like this, I can't tell you OH YEAH, DO IT. I'm sure it will be searingly hard, maybe too much so. But from an impartial outsider's view, it seems like this might be the way through your pain to the other side.
its not because of him. its because of me. it is very difficult for me to talk about it like that. it hurts. its embarrassing. its shameful. its gross and i just don't like to lay it out there like that. it just sort of typed itself earlier.
You have no reason to feel embarassment, shame, or grossness.
Your Dad does for not supporting you.
That assholemonsterpigfucker abuser, yea, he is deserving of feeling gross, shame and a whole lot fucking more.
If a friend came to you and said she was abused as a child and feels gross, embarassed and ashamed your heart would break because you would want to roar with pride because that person is a strong and beautiful woman and protect your friend from those feelings.
Post by Saint Monica on Mar 5, 2013 7:41:22 GMT -5
Your Dad. He should hang his head real low in fucking shame. I have read your posts about him. You love him so much. I am seething with anger. I want to shake him and yell. Draw diagrams. Something. Something that will help him even obtain a minimal grasp of common sense so he can understand how lucky he is to have you as his daughter.
not that graphically, no. but i have said those words to him, yes.
Maybe its time to get graphic
People much wiser than me have given you fabulous advice in this post, but I just wanted to add that when I read the words you wrote above that you say are too graphic, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Maybe you need to say them in just those words to your father. You should not be ashamed, you should not feel guilty, it happened to you and is not "gross" - it's your experience. And your father is in denial about it. If he can ignore you when you explain in just these terms, then I don't know what you can do to maintain your relationship. What I want to do on your behalf is hand him a photo of you as an angelic innocent 10-year-old with your description of what happened. And say "your move fucker."
The more I read and think about this, the more upset I am getting.
If it were any.other.man (and I use that term loosely) who did this to you, I am betting your dad would have strung him up by his balls. Clearly, that's how he feels about the person who abused his wife.
And yet he has no compassion that I can see towards you. He's making an exception because that sonofabitch was his wife's child and that is complete and utter bullshit. You are HIS CHILD - your feelings, your hurts, your sorrow should be his #1 concern and the specter of that piece of shit who committed unspeakable acts against you shouldn't even take up head space in your dad's mind except to think what a piece of shit he was.
Only until your dad truly GETS IT and shows that he gets it, lip service is not enough here, do I think counseling or even much interaction with him at all, much less his wife, would be a wise idea because every time he says something or does something to disregard your feelings or she does and he condones it, this post-mortem birthday party wtf-uckery worst of all, he is essentially telling you he doesn't give a shit about your feelings or that it even happened at all.
Until then, I say fuck him and his wife.
To do otherwise, for me, is teaching him that what happened to you was ok and how he and his wife are responding to it is ok.
I've actually been trying to figure what good a person could do to overshadow/negate raping a child.
I haven't come up with anything.
I just don't understand all the excuses being made for this guy (by your dad/stepmom) or how YOU are the problem (side eyeing your sister) for not 'letting it go'
I mean - really? How do any of these people who try to blame you now live with themselves? Which is what they're doing by saying "he wasn't all bad, he only did one thing wrong" It was a pretty big horrible thing he did. A good person WOULDN'T hurt a child, no matter WHAT had happened to them. They just don't!
Am I the only one wondering when the stepmom's father's birthday is, or whether there exist any pictures of him anywhere?
there is only one that i know of, though i thought it had been taken down (though my dad told me otherwise when the whole stepmom's sons picture debacle from last year).
there is no celebration of the dad, and no talk of him that i can really recall.
this story just gets better...holy fuck, i feel like i come from a trashy family (but really, its just the my dad's wife's family is trashy). you see, the stepmom's dad also molested my alcoholic stepsister. and i remember when she was at her worst with the drinking, she called my stepmom's mother (who knows nothing of the abuse that happened to my stepmom) and told her all about what he did to her in a drunken stupor. and my stepmom told me about it when we were out together shopping and i remember her saying "i am glad she was drunk and incoherent, because my mom didn't need to know any of that."
and it took me a few hours, but then i thought that maybe she told me the story and made that comment as a way to let me know that she wished i hadn't ever told my dad what happened.
also, i don't know if my stepmom knows that i was raped by him (not that it really matters at this point). i first remembered the abuse when i was 15. i was in that weird state between being awake and asleep and bam! my mind just opened up this flood gate. it took weeks for me to try and forget it, but eventually they came back. i started going to a counselor who told me that i should let my parents know, since at the time he was still coming to my house (i lived with my dad and stepmom). so i told my dad, who then told my stepmom (i was 17 at the time).
then when i was 25ish i was getting ready to go to my sisters house for a party. i was drying my hair in the bathroom (tmi alert) without any clothes on and had my leg propped up on the counter to stretch my inner thigh muscles. and again, bam! there came the memories. and it was so weird, because it was sort of like watching myself as a child and these things happening and not know what the fuck was going on.
i can't remember how long after that i spoke to my dad about it, but it came out over a long conversation that entailed much crying and screaming about feeling let down about something he did regarding this. and feeling like i have never been important and that his wife is and he always picks her over me, blah blah blah. you know the rest. and i never did ask him if he told her about it.
i'm sorry this thread is so long and isn't dying...but it feels kind of nice to get this out of my head.