everybody's fine. except for me.

[saraandmichael]

my heart is breaking. i haven't felt such stress and pain, most especially like this, in a very long time. and in the interest of the preview function, i am not divorcing, e is fine and nobody is dead.

i am a little shy to talk about this and i've been sitting here for over an hour trying to deal with this on my own, but i am so damn deep in my head and its just so sad and lonely.

i have written from time to time about my past with my stepmom's son molesting and raping me when i was a young girl. i've talked about several things that have been done in the past by my dad and his wife that have been unsatisfactory with regard to the whole situation, but that i love my dad and want very much to maintain a relationship with him.

i don't think i posted about this last year when it happened, but my dad sort of let it slip that he was going out to dinner with his wife and whoever else on her son's birthday to his favorite restaurant. i stewed over it for days, not knowing if i wanted to say anything to my dad about my upset and disappointment that he would take part in such a thing (and had been taking part in it for however many years they have done so, though this was the first i ever knew about it). i ended up calling him a few days later telling him how disgusted i was that he would celebrate the life of the person that raped and molested his daughter multiple times and that it was such an incredible punch in the gut to know that he did this.

he, of course, gave me a song and dance about him not celebrating but being there for his wife, and thats what it was about for him. i called bullshit and said that he can try and spin it any way he wants but that it was absolutely taking part in a celebration of him. after a long three hour conversation in which i, again, bared my soul and dealt with feelings, memories and emotions i prefer to keep buried way down deep, he asked what i would like for him to do. i told him, with absolutely no uncertainty, that i wanted to feel important to him and i wanted to feel like i mattered and that i would like it if he never went to dinner like this again.

fast forward to two weeks ago where i was blissfully unaware of the date. i'm looking through fb thursday night (the 21st) and a picture of the rapist shows up in my newsfeed (from my stepmom's sister) saying 'happy birthday!' and some other nonsense that i am unaware of, as i quickly closed out of the tab. and then i remembered that i spoke to my dad about an hour earlier and he was just leaving my sister's house after having spent most of the day there. i got so excited that he had listened to me and not taken part in something that meant so much to me. i was so thankful and just felt important. i wanted to thank him, but that felt sort of weird. but then i decided i would send him a text, since i had made such a big deal of him not going being so important to me.

the next morning my dad texted me saying he didnt understand what the text meant. i checked the date and realised that the rapists birthday was tuesday, not thursday. so i texted back saying 'sorry, i had the wrong date.' a couple minutes later my dad called me, saying he still didn't understand. i said that i thought thursday was the 19th, to which he responded 'oh' with a tone in his voice that made me realise there was no thanks necessary.

i told him i didn't want to discuss it and got off the phone. i haven't really felt like talking to him since, though have pretty superficially (which is not our norm). i didn't want to know if he went or not, because i just wasn't prepared for the reality of that pain.

this past weekend was our annual family camping trip and it came out in a conversation with my little sister that he did go to dinner (as i had figured) and i am just crushed. beyond crushed.

i am so angry at him. i feel so small. so fucking insignificant. i have worked hard for years to overlook the things my dad does in order to "support his wife" in order to still have a relationship with him. and i just don't think i can do it anymore.

i don't know how i can ever respect him. i don't know how i can ever feel like an important, valued person to him. i don't know how i can ever look him in the eyes and not see a fucking heartless douchebag that is more concerned with his wife's happiness than his daughter's own well-being.

i am really shattered. i know several of you have questioned how/why i have a relationship with him at all. and i always defended it because he is a great dad. but i can't even feel like that anymore. i want to, but i just don't know that i ever can again.

i am having a very tough time keeping it together. i vacillate between anger, hurt, sadness and mourning of a relationship that was once so completely important to me. i keep crying. i cannot stop thinking about how totally and completely small i feel and how hollow the words that he has spoken to me about this in the past feel.

and my heart honestly aches. like that real, physical hurt when you lose someone so close to you.

and i'm not sure what i hope to gain from this, other than that i need to talk to someone about this, and right now you're all i've got.

[janiejones]

I just want to hug you so hard right now.
I think you did post about the conversation with your dad RE:the celebration and how it makes you feel.

Have you had counselling? It might be time to start working through how your relationship with your dad is affected by this history.

[alzi]

I am so so sorry Sara:( you deserve so much more than that.

You know I'm here if you need me. Xoxo

[luvvy]

I'm so sorry Sara.

[papie]

I am so sorry Sara. I don't have any advice or words of wisdom. I wish I could hug you and make that pain go away.

[fuckyourcouch]

ugh i cannot even try to have advice for you, but i am so sorry that you are going through this. hugs.

[Doc_Lobster]

I'm really sorry.

Not even close to the same magnitude, but my dad has never made a secret of the fact that our general happiness and well-being is waaaaay down his priority list, and I know how much it can hurt.

Hugs.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry Sara. I don't know what to tell you.

[margotmacomber]

omg I am so sorry.  big huge hugs.

[lagom]

(Sara)

This is the kind of thing that doesn't go away. I would really suggest talking with someone about it.

[nahoku]

I'm so sorry, Sara Lots of hugs to you.

[muffin0]

I'm not really sure what to say, but I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You don't deserve it. I'm not sure if this has been done/suggested or if it's even realistic, but have you guys gone to counseling?

Would your dad even be willing?

[mudslide]

((Hugs))

I'm so sorry. All of that is so horrible. Have you been in counseling recently? If not, I think it would be good for you. ((Hugs))

[DotAndBuzz]

I am so so sorry.

You deserve better than this. Truly.

((((hugs))))

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation you are in. <<<hugs>>>

[speckledfrog]

Ugh. I'll get in line to give you a big hug. I wish I had some magic words that would take away the pain. You deserve so much more than this.

[2boys2danes]

I'm really sorry Sara... that is some tough stuff for sure. Hugs to you...

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you.

If it were me in your situation, I don't think I could continue a relationship with him. I couldn't deal with the emotions you go through after the disappointment.

Please take care of yourself

::hugs::

[girlfriday11]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry.

[hisno1girl]

Mar 3, 2013 22:58:12 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oh Sara, I'm sorry:( I would feel the exact same. The person who is supposed to protect you and make you feel safe in this world is passively condoning the person who did the unthinkable to his daughter. I can't imagine how deeply that cuts. He should want to kill this guy, not celebrate his fucking birthday and fuck his wife while I'm at it.

Mofongo said it perfectly.

Your Dad should be on your side.  I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is to now he's not.

((((sara)))
 
I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[saraandmichael]

i have been to counseling in the past, yes. several times. i'm not interested in going right now. its too emotional and painful and i'm just not up for it.

and i don't want to go with my dad. i don't want to share anymore of how i feel about this part of my life with him. i have been very clear about my feelings, the ripple effect it has had on my life in almost every aspect of who i am, and what i expect and need from him. and he has made it abundantly clear with his actions that i am not a priority. speaking to a third party is not going to change that.

[daisyheadmaizie]

I am so sorry, Sara. You father should 100% be on your side and offering you comfort and support. I cannot even imagine how it makes you feel that he continues to brush it aside. There is nothing wrong with cutting someone out of your life, because the relationship is too toxic or causes so much pain. Big ((hugs)) to you.

I am going to PM you in a minute.

[Doc_Lobster]

I don't blame you. If he hasn't gotten it by now, he isn't going to.

[Deleted]

I can't imagine how badly this hurts you. If it was me I would be done with him and the relationship. Please go talk with a therapist about this. My heart aches for you, this is heartbreaking on soo many levels. ((Hugs))

[snipsnsnails]

I'm sorry, Sara. I really am. It is ok to mourn the relationship that you once had with your father. It is cruel and painful that the actions of her son are still robbing you of relationships now. I think you need to mourn this loss of a relationship with your father so that you can move on. I am always hesitant to say something so declarative, but I don't think your father could remain with his wife as she is and still maintain a respectful and compassionate relationship with you. I think he's tried and it is impossible to navigate between his wife and you and this is 100% not any fault of yours. It is still painful to face the reality of the circumstances, though. I am so, so sorry.

[saraandmichael]

Mar 3, 2013 23:25:52 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

I am always hesitant to say something so declarative, but I don't think your father could remain with his wife as she is and still maintain a respectful and compassionate relationship with you.

this is exactly what i have been so afraid of. i have given up so much to make this work. i have tried to bury the hurt my dad creates/perpetuates/causes/doesn't pay attention to about all of this for so long and it is exhausting.

and i hate the term unfair, but to bear all of these burdens is unfair. to not talk about when it bothers me is unfair. to have to avoid certain parts of my dad's home when i go there because i know i will see the rapists picture if unfair. to have to hear my dad's wife talk about the rapist is a favorable manner is unfair. to have to ask that the person who raped me not be a celebrated person in any capacity in my dad's life is fucking unfair.

[wrathofkuus]

Well. You know what I think, and it's all good things about you and hateful things about the people who should have protected you, and shouldn't be violating you over and over by making you live with this bullshit.

If you don't want to cut your dad off, you could try making life really fucking uncomfortable for him by being super, super open about this, all the time, and making him face what he did and continues to do surrounding this issue. I don 't know whether that would be better for you than cutting him out of your life, though.

[jayded]

I can understand your deep hurt with regards to your father. My perpetrator was a family member as well and some of my "family members" continued a relationship with him after everything was out in the open. I found it was better for me if I cut them out, I felt utterly betrayed by people who were supposed to protect me. I went through a couple years of counseling and came to the realization that there was nothing "wrong" with me, and that they were the sick ones. I am so sorry that your father is hurting you. Do what feels right for yourself and know that you are important. ((((Sara))))

[Doc_Lobster]

Mar 3, 2013 23:38:41 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Well. You know what I think, and it's all good things about you and hateful things about the people who should have protected you, and shouldn't be violating you over and over by making you live with this bullshit.

If you don't want to cut your dad off, you could try making life really fucking uncomfortable for him by being super, super open about this, all the time, and making him face what he did and continues to do surrounding this issue. I don 't know whether that would be better for you than cutting him out of your life, though.

Kuus has a good point here. Why should you be the one to walk on eggshells and not rock the boat?

[saraandmichael]

Mar 3, 2013 23:44:49 GMT -5 Doc_Lobster said:

Mar 3, 2013 23:38:41 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Well. You know what I think, and it's all good things about you and hateful things about the people who should have protected you, and shouldn't be violating you over and over by making you live with this bullshit.

If you don't want to cut your dad off, you could try making life really fucking uncomfortable for him by being super, super open about this, all the time, and making him face what he did and continues to do surrounding this issue. I don 't know whether that would be better for you than cutting him out of your life, though.

Kuus has a good point here. Why should you be the one to walk on eggshells and not rock the boat?

i don't know. maybe i have made it that way, feeling like i am the child and should be respectful of my dad's wife. i still feel shame over what happened, even though i know logically that i shouldn't.

and the very idea of cutting my dad out of my life is just too great to even entertain right now. and its so very multifaceted and would cause so much hurt to so many people. my kids wouldn't get to know him. holidays would be different. my sister's would not be understanding, and put very much in the middle.

i wish it were easy. i almost sort of feel like in a way he died. he's just truly not the person i chose to see him as. and i wanted him to be that guy so badly. hell, i still want it. and that just breaks my heart. that i have to choose me or him. and it just feels like such an impossible choice.