Co-existing. We're not in a bad place per se, like we don't fight or anything, but we also just don't connect really. We're both so hectic with work, he travels all the time, neither of us has slept sufficiently in years, etc. so we just kind of go through the motions at home, like platonic roommates. I have zero tolerance (forget desire) for physical touch this pregnancy, so sex, cuddles, even hugs goodbye are nonexistent.
When we actually hang out, we have a great time together, but usually we're operating in our own spheres. We need to make more time for each other, but I just don't know when. Having a kid who never sleeps means we never have any adult time together. By the time we finally get Carter down, I'm passing out myself.
ETA the kid thing has been such a huge adjustment for us. We spent the first seven years of our relationship jetting off every weekend, partying all night every night, and generally basking in being incredibly social and responsibility-free. Now the fun people we fell in love with are playing adult, and it's a totally different dynamic.
I'll delete the quote if you would rather I not quote.
I think the bolded is so so true for us as well and its been harder for me to adjust than it has been for H. Well, minus the all night partying every night. We kept that to the weekends I was happy with our kid free life and wasn't looking to change it.
I often find my husband EXTREMELY annoying. Especially when he plays video games, or farts, or eats all my ice cream, or decides to go for a beer after work.
But I really admire him as a person. He is a very interesting, educated, funny man. He's great with kids. So if I step back I know that he's a great catch. We are well matched. I try to think of this when I want to murder him in the night for snoring and farting while I nurse the baby for the millionth time in a sleep deprived haze
This is where I am too. My husband is a great guy: fun, loving, romantic, successful, attractive, interesting, etc. I just have trouble remembering this when I'm home alone for the fourth night in a row and am still discovering errant socks.
No one on this board could be married to me. I am always the dirty, disorganized husband they describe. My DH constantly finds half drank water glasses and coffee cups everywhere. I just don't think to put them in the sink.
I love my husband. He is a great man and a great father. We just don't have that spark anymore. The interesting thing is that I think that is okay. I don't subscribe to this belief that there has to be a spark for the entire life of marriage. However, social media and other such avenues make it seem like people should remain madly in love and ready to jump each other at any given time. I think this places a huge amount of stress on people. It sure does cause me to have a lot of guilt and anxiety over my feelings.
I truly feel that no relationship can remain in a state of bliss for long periods of time and I sometimes want to punch people who claim it's possible.
oh I think it's ok too! I certainly have no desire to jump my husband for sex, lol. We don't walk down the street then randomly make out. I mean, unless I'm really drunk then maybe.
I mean, what is love but mutual dependency and respect. I can't imagine my life without him, he's my rock. He's my world. He's my best friend. We created children together and we are keeping them alive and they love us! Just because I'm not like "mmm I'd love to have sex with that man right now!" when I see him doesn't mean I think our marriage is ruined. We have a great marriage. Screw you social media and lying people!
I picked we co-exist. I have wondered if we are going to make it many times. We will have a couple good weeks after I have a come to Jesus talk with him about everything. Then it will fall back to the old ways, like it is this week. 100% of my patience and energy goes to Lillian and I feel like I don't have any left for him. I need to balance that better and I do hope as she gets older it will get better. Our parenting is also very different and that is a huge issue for me. I used to be the one to apologize just to get things back on track but I do not and will not apologize for how I feel about parenting. He used to be a very laid back guy and still is with certain things, life is just different now with a child.
Post by DesertMoon on Jan 30, 2015 10:42:33 GMT -5
Coexist need to relite the spark. We bicker an obscene amount but he is my best friend And when he's actually home and I'm not worn out from the kids we are quite happy together, even when we're just alone. I just don't really see him much so we aren't part of each others daily lives.
It's very good. We argue occasionally but that's how we've always been. He really is my best friend and he completely gets me. I do look forward to when the boys are older so we can have more one on one time and dates, since it rarely happens now.
Glad to hear this, Cara! Weren't you guys having a rough patch recently? (Or maybe I'm thinking of someone else??) Glad to hear things have turned around!
Post by DaphneStrauss on Jan 30, 2015 10:44:03 GMT -5
It's wonderful right now. But it has recently gotten a lot better and we are reconnecting a lot more. Having a baby in our first year of marriage was very trying on our relationship, it was such a huge shift and we quickly lost that honeymoon phase. I was also very stressed with med school and pregnancy and then a newborn. But deciding to sahm allowed for a huge positive shift in our lives and marriage. Plus once he moved to a separate bedroom because of his snoring I seemed to like him more during the day because I didn't want to clobber him in his sleep.
Oh, if frequency of sex is the deciding factor, then I'd have to rescind my vote! We haven't had sex since the night before Taj was born. And look where THAT got us!!
We coexist right now. I don't know. When we were dating, we had great sex, great fun, and talked all the time. I feel like we fight A LOT right now, life is stressful, and he doesn't know how to handle it. And because of that, I shut down, and he wants to talk EVERYTHING out. Interestingly, this pregnancy is shifting things a bit. He's been super attentive, and I've allowed him to take some control of random things, because I've been feeling so poorly. This has lifted some stress from me, and he's feeling more like a caretaker, which makes me appreciative. So it's weird right now, but seems to be improving.
I am not completely miserable lol although it sounds like I am. But it's hard when you aren't on the same page with parenting. Not sure if anyone can relate. We do love each other and there is no one I would rather be with, it's just been rough.
It's better than pre-kids, but I think my standards are lower. lol. I don't really need a spark right now or for things to be perfect. Rather than looking at a marriage, I'm looking at a family. I'm happy with my family.
This is kind of me. I think as a family we are awesome and I'm competely happy. As a marriage, not perfect but that's mainly due to lack of time for just the two of us. I don't think having an "awesome" marriage is possible when we spend 95% of our waking time tending to kids, work and household crap.
I don't count frequency of sex at all in saying we have an amazing marriage lol. I am realistic about what life should look like with two working parents.
But we are both happy with each other and accept this time in our lives. And when we jet away to a beach vacation we can still get to that "let's have a lot of sex" place. So I figure we are all good.
Post by lauranicole91 on Jan 30, 2015 10:47:15 GMT -5
We aren't anywhere near as lovey dovey as we were when we were dating, but we definitely still enjoy each other's company, share lots of laughs, and show affection.
We just don't see each other as much as we'd like because we work opposite schedules. And on the rare occasion we have a morning or whole day off together we take turns sleeping in or are running around doing a million errands.
Post by breezy8407 on Jan 30, 2015 10:52:43 GMT -5
PDQ.
I am in the coexist boat.
Having kids has totally changed our marriage. At first it was because TWINS and the first year was insane. I barely remember it. Before I joined this board, that winter prior was one of the hardest times for us. H was coaching and gone all the time and I grew bitter and resentful towards him.
I used to get upset at how different things were compared to before kids. I don't want to say I've settled, but I know my expectations were unrealistic. Unfortunately he gets the brunt of my stress from work and the kids. I know I am not nice sometimes, but he doesn't go out of his way either. We definitely both need improvement. I bought a book that was rec'd here a while back (Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work) and haven't had time to read it....there's just no time for anything. I think that's one of the biggest problems. No time for each other. As an example, this week I was on my computer for work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. He was grading papers. So we weren't even in the same room after the kids went to bed. I was up later than him working, so we didn't go to bed together either. This past weekend his parents were here, so of course no alone time then. I just feel like we are so busy just maintaining the home, the kids, and our jobs that there is not a second left. And now we are taking on buying a new house and selling ours. And sex? ha ha. Maybe once a month right now. Not that I don't want to...again with the time, going to bed at different times, one of us being sick... We had a big blow up on New Years Eve. Since then things have been a little better, but we both
The thing is he is so amazing as a father. He does more than half of the house work and parenting. He is always getting recognition at work. He really is great in so many ways. I really can't say one thing that bugs me about him, or that I can nag him for.
I know we will make it through this, but I worry there will always be something. I honestly think a lot of our stress comes from our living situation. We are always on top of each other and I think I get claustrophobic. Plus the commute...
Uggh I am rambling. Clearly we need some change. My parents are taking the kids the 13th - 15th, so I hope we can do some reconnecting.... in the few moments we aren't working on the house.
You guys know this, but I hate the societal pressure that places the frequency and robustness of sex life as a major determining factor in the wellbeing and health of a marriage. IMO it isn't always an accurate gauge of these things. It makes me really irritated.
Also, sometimes I think people that overly portray a perfect and picturesque life or marriage on social media are doing so because it probably isn't really that perfect or blissful.
Post by breezy8407 on Jan 30, 2015 10:59:25 GMT -5
fryjack2 and bigapple I agree with the contrast in how we were pre-kids. I loved our relationship before kids and was scared they would change it. Well they did.
I really hate the pressure that is placed on people to be happy and blissful all the time. I think the inadequacy and guilt it makes people feel can be the fault of a failed marriage. I think if more people accepted that it doesn't have to be perfect at all times and that lulls are okay, some failed marriages may not have to fail.
totally.
I mean a lot of the time I feel somewhere between "meh, who are you again?" and "can you stop putting dirty bowls right NEXT to the sink instead of IN the sink or I will smash one in your face" towards him. But I mean, I KNOW there isn't a perfect man out there and I sure as hell am not perfect or that easy to live with. I feel like we are compatible and during this the most stressful and expensive time of anyones life (young children) we are doing fine.
There is nobody in the world I'd rather sit with for hours in a bar just drinking and talking than my husband. It's just that... with work and kids and a house and not having money and chores and etc. well, life is hard? We do well for what we have going on right now I think.
Post by laurensmomma on Jan 30, 2015 10:59:39 GMT -5
Right now, we are in between the top two choices. As @therealmc is alluding to, our relationship has definitely fluctuated over the 7 1/2 years we've been together. I would say the most difficult time we've ever had was the year after Lauren was born, but we've adjusted. It's not as good as it was pre-kids, but it is still pretty terrific most of the time. I also don't equate having sex to having a good marriage. We've done it twice this week, which is amazing compared to lately. I think about more how we are communicating, how we take care of each other, how we choose our time together, etc as a gauge for where our marriage is at.
fryjack2, you just gave me great perspective. My dh is the opposite of your dh. He is very outgoing, VERY talkative and likes to crack jokes all. the. time. It's gotten to the point where it's driving me mad, like just be quiet and serious for a moment, dh!!! LOL But I could see how not having that at all would be frustrating at times as well. Maybe we could mesh our dhs so that they both get what we're looking for? ;0)
It's very good. We argue occasionally but that's how we've always been. He really is my best friend and he completely gets me. I do look forward to when the boys are older so we can have more one on one time and dates, since it rarely happens now.
Glad to hear this, Cara! Weren't you guys having a rough patch recently? (Or maybe I'm thinking of someone else??) Glad to hear things have turned around!
Thank you. Yes, somewhat. I just wasn't feeling appreciated or like a team but things have improved drastically. I told him exactly how I was feeling, he understood.
I also rarely/never want to have sex. Children living in me and feeding off me and not sleeping like they should have killed my sex drive. If I could just NEVER have sex again I feel like I would be cool with it.
I mean when we are having sex I'm fine with it/enjoy it. But the IDEA of sex is just so... tiring, boring, seems unnecessary/pointless, etc...
I really hate the pressure that is placed on people to be happy and blissful all the time. I think the inadequacy and guilt it makes people feel can be the fault of a failed marriage. I think if more people accepted that it doesn't have to be perfect at all times and that lulls are okay, some failed marriages may not have to fail.
totally.
I mean a lot of the time I feel somewhere between "meh, who are you again?" and "can you stop putting dirty bowls right NEXT to the sink instead of IN the sink or I will smash one in your face" towards him. But I mean, I KNOW there isn't a perfect man out there and I sure as hell am not perfect or that easy to live with. I feel like we are compatible and during this the most stressful and expensive time of anyones life (young children) we are doing fine.
There is nobody in the world I'd rather sit with for hours in a bar just drinking and talking than my husband. It's just that... with work and kids and a house and not having money and chores and etc. well, life is hard? We do well for what we have going on right now I think.
I'm rarely in the mood for sex but then once we're doing it, I think "I really like this, I should make it happen more often!" Then comes the next day and I'm back to feeling like I'd much rather be watching tv and eating ice cream than initiating sex. But I mean, it's not like my H is hurting. We do it plenty.
we aren't really adventurous and never were and I feel like we are/were both fine with it. The frequency has certainly gone down a lot since the children. We probably used to have sex a couple times a week. Now it's like.. twice a month. less maybe. But that's totally normal I think. Especially with bad sleeping children. By the time both my kids are locked in their room its 930pm. I don't want to have sex then, I'm too tired.
I feel like too much emphasis is often placed on sex/physical connection being the most important part of a relationship. No, it's finding a person you can actually LIVE with, who is generally nice to you, who loves his children, who isn't a jerk.
If sex was the most important thing I'd have married that hot muscular bonehead I had a lot of fun with when I was 20 or whatever.
I really hate the pressure that is placed on people to be happy and blissful all the time. I think the inadequacy and guilt it makes people feel can be the fault of a failed marriage. I think if more people accepted that it doesn't have to be perfect at all times and that lulls are okay, some failed marriages may not have to fail.
Yes, this creates such an internal struggle and it constantly has me second guessing myself! It's so hard to change my thought process.