I'm rarely in the mood for sex but then once we're doing it, I think "I really like this, I should make it happen more often!" Then comes the next day and I'm back to feeling like I'd much rather be watching tv and eating ice cream than initiating sex. But I mean, it's not like my H is hurting. We do it plenty.
Haha this is me. Except we do not "do it plenty". We've pretty steadily been on a once a month schedule for a long time now, minus TTC obviously. I seriously just much prefer sleep over the idea of sex.
There is nobody in the world I'd rather sit with for hours in a bar just drinking and talking than my husband. It's just that... with work and kids and a house and not having money and chores and etc. well, life is hard? We do well for what we have going on right now I think.
This is how I feel! Is it sad that we are at our best when we are at the rail drinking beer? We stopped for one last Friday after work before going home (the kids were with the inlaws), and that 45 minutes was the best time we'd had all week.
We're in a good place right now. Much better than before baby. He's my best friend and we still very much enjoy each other, but work schedules have not allowed for a lot of quality time together lately. That and our sex drives are not in sync right now, so there's some strain on the relationship right now.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Jan 30, 2015 11:21:37 GMT -5
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
There are a lot of people I'd rather sit in a bar drinking with .lol
I mean, my H and I are friends. We've always been friends, long before we were a couple. But.. idk. We're just comfortable with each other, but it's not like "he's my best friend, I respect him so much, there's no one else I'd rather spend time with!" Then again, I am not really that kind of person. I don't have big feelings like that.
This is sort of off topic, but my sister has been posting all kinds of gushy things about her baby on FB, and my H was like "is she serious with all this?" and I'm like "how embarrassing for her :?." It's even uncomfortably gushy compared to my posts about E here (which I feel can be pretty sappy), much less my FB posts.
I think this is something I've been recognizing about myself recently. I grew up with a mom who was very cold and discouraged feelings which I think didn't help.
Sometimes I feel like I'm faking feelings. Like, I didn't love the boys for a long time after they were born. I love H, but I think its a more rational love than emotional now. That sounds bad. I mean that I love him, but I don't expect the constant butterflies.
I agree with @therealmc that marriage and life is not always high. There are the lulls and stagnant times that the highs carry you through. I mean, H watched me wipe my butt while I was in bedrest in the hospital and I cried to him about being mortified that my hemmies might leave a poop mark on the c-section table. That was a pretty low point for me, and he's still here
Post by autumnfire on Jan 30, 2015 11:24:58 GMT -5
PDQ
I'm falling in the good days and off days category? Lately, well since buying our house it's been a tough adjustment. We have so many boxes to still go through 7 months later and I think we're feeling a bit like failures because we haven't unpacked so much of our home. The feeling of being unfinished is something that bothers us both sometimes to a point we don't realize our underlying issues when we get upset at odd things.
We had a CTJ talk just this past weekend because we've been in many respects disrespectful to eachother in how we talk to one another and how we act. Not all the time but to me and him it shouldn't be that way with someone you love. I also deal with anger issues due to childhood abuse that I've been working on for a while. Not lash out angry but I find I get upset at the most absurd things (only after I've calmed down do I realize this.) I am a big part of our problems and I know this. So since our CTJ talk I've been really putting a foot forward to deal with my own emotional issues and make him feel loved.
The one time I feel like we're our relaxed selves, is at work. We know we have to be professional and that's pretty much when our co-worker hats go on. But I find we are both, especially myself more relaxed. I also think that DH needs a hobby? I would love for him to go out with his buddies. We spend so much time together I don't want it to become our only identities. Me I love having me time so I'm okay if I'm not going out with friends. DH is a social butterfly and I really think he'd be so much happier if he could get out with friends. Hopefully the spring/summer now that we've moved will prove to have more opportunities for him to go fishing with friends.
I don't feel our daughter adds to the stress. So I can't really say that 'kids' are a 'factor' in our problems. If anything she helps alleviate the stress with her upbeat and loving nature.
There is nobody in the world I'd rather sit with for hours in a bar just drinking and talking than my husband. It's just that... with work and kids and a house and not having money and chores and etc. well, life is hard? We do well for what we have going on right now I think.
This is how I feel! Is it sad that we are at our best when we are at the rail drinking beer? We stopped for one last Friday after work before going home (the kids were with the inlaws), and that 45 minutes was the best time we'd had all week.
I agree but I think it's normal. I mean, pre kids ALL our time outside work was just us you know. Now NONE of it is. I relate to a lot of what you wrote too. None of our "issues" seem big now and I feel like our marriage will survive but I do worry that things will get worse or we won't try to make them better. I feel like, I'm tired all the time I don't have the energy to be all rah-rah lets do marriage-y things! really I just want to go to bed so I can get as much sleep as possible before I get up and start the whole thing over again. Up-commute-sit at desk all day-commute-get kids-try to scramble a dinner together-begin bedtime routine-hours later kids are actually asleep-get clothes and lunches for next day-bed.
there is NO TIME. However I also don't want to SAH with my kids so I'm not sure what the solution is really besides weather the storm and hope our marriage is strong enough to survive.
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
Us too. Binge watching a show then sleeping in until noon the next day. Those were the days!
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
the thing I miss the MOST is watching shows with my h!
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
TV used to be our thing. Now, we each sit on our own couch and hack on our phones. I need to implement a "no phone" policy in the evenings.
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
That's what we do, too. We watch ALL the shows and then talk about them (most of the time!).
Before kids, I remember watching an obscene amount of episodes of Sopranos in bed one weekend. Even in college we would watch shows together in bed in his tiny apartment.
This is how I feel! Is it sad that we are at our best when we are at the rail drinking beer? We stopped for one last Friday after work before going home (the kids were with the inlaws), and that 45 minutes was the best time we'd had all week.
I agree but I think it's normal. I mean, pre kids ALL our time outside work was just us you know. Now NONE of it is. I relate to a lot of what you wrote too. None of our "issues" seem big now and I feel like our marriage will survive but I do worry that things will get worse or we won't try to make them better. I feel like, I'm tired all the time I don't have the energy to be all rah-rah lets do marriage-y things! really I just want to go to bed so I can get as much sleep as possible before I get up and start the whole thing over again. Up-commute-sit at desk all day-commute-get kids-try to scramble a dinner together-begin bedtime routine-hours later kids are actually asleep-get clothes and lunches for next day-bed.
there is NO TIME. However I also don't want to SAH with my kids so I'm not sure what the solution is really besides weather the storm and hope our marriage is strong enough to survive.
You said this so well. I hate being all "I am SO BUSY YOU GUISE!" But besides not sleeping at all, I really don't know what else I can do at this point. Weather the storm it is!
Post by DesertMoon on Jan 30, 2015 11:33:04 GMT -5
Dh has two days off and when the kids are in be we watch our shows and play cards and I cook. That's about the extent of our time together otherwise he is at work. Hopefully when they kids are older we'll be able to go out together, we're going to Belize or Costa Rica this fall and I'm excited
I love my H and we have a great marriage however we pretty much never spend time alone just the two if us. We could use some spark and time together but I'm really happy with our family. Hopefully we can focus more on each other as the girls get older.
I also have to say that I feel defensive when people say all they do with their husband is sit around and watch TV. We do that and that really is our bonding time! Pre-kids, we'd stay in bed, watch entire seasons of TV, order food, be complete slobs and play rock/paper/scissors over who had to walk the dog. That scenario still sounds perfectly romantic to me. TV is our thing!
Us too. Binge watching a show then sleeping in until noon the next day. Those were the days!
Throw in some scrabble and crosswords and music and shower/morning sex.
16 years until the boys go to college and we have that back.
Post by musiclover on Jan 30, 2015 11:37:41 GMT -5
We are a great team and we have a great family. We laugh a lot and respect each other. Making the move last year definitely changed a lot for us though, good and bad because of the financial shift and me being home for now. We definitely need more time out alone , we might get out once or twice a year. I wouldn't say we are perfect, but we are good.
Dh has two days off and when the kids are in be we watch our shows and play cards and I cook. That's about the extent of our time together otherwise he is at work. Hopefully when they kids are older we'll be able to go out together, we're going to Belize or Costa Rica this fall and I'm excited
It's good, but it was much better pre-kids. I think a lot of our problems right now are because I SAH. Charles misses us when he's at work all day so when he gets home at night and on weekends he wants family time 24/7. Since I'm with Audrey all day by myself I want to just chill and have alone time, or when we hang as a family, I want to be able to check out and let H do some solo parenting but he doesn't get that and wants us both to be engaging Audrey all weekend. It will be interesting when number 2 comes along since we will have to split up the parenting a little and I will probably get even more burnt out during the week.
Post by charlielove on Jan 30, 2015 11:46:45 GMT -5
We really have an amazing marriage. He's my best friend, equal, and a great father. He is so kind and considerate, I think our personalities are really well matched.
The only real "issues" in our marriage is we need more sex now that I'm pregnant. We also love doing so many things together that are just hard or impossible with young kids. Traveling, hiking, road trips, etc are are favorite things, and they are just really hard to do now.
it really does make things so different. We used to do such different activities on the weekends!
My H does not express his feelings. I get an "I love you" maybe once every 2 or 3 months and everytime I cry. I am the kid of person that can't hang up with my mom without saying I love you so that's really hard for me.
The TV thing is funny, because DH and I have never watched shows together, but that used to be my thing when he'd go on work trips. I'd order pizza and sit in bed all night watching Lost. I always missed him but I loved his work trips for that alone time. Now I'm like OMG PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THESE CHILDREN. I would love for him to take a work trip that required him bringing the boys along.
My weekday answer is good but somewhat coexisting. My weekend answer is awesome.
Our weekday lives are just so systematic right now. Toddlers aren't that flexible, and 7 month olds are definitely not flexible. We both have demanding jobs and the weekdays just need to run like a well oiled machine in order to work. He is much more a big shot at work than me, and his work comes home almost every night. When his stress is high, tensions in the house are high. There is just No time! Never any time! We'll never get into Stanford!
But weekends we can chill out and enjoy time together. We both still really love hanging out with each other, which is the most important thing, I think. We are good company and really great at making mundane tasks a SuperAwesome time.