I feel weird about public emotions. I also hate to cry in front of anyone except my husband. It makes me uncomfortable when other people cry/get emotional. I never know what to say. I also don't particularly like hugging people or being touched. Like casual touches. MIL will just rest her hand on my leg and pat it when talking and I really want to recoil/run away screaming. I'm beginning to sound weird haha
I'm with you. My ILs are very touchy and it makes me so uncomfortable.
Another issue is the respect thing. I feel bad when people talk about mutual respect being the cornerstone of a good marriage, because .. while I respect some things about my H, there are other things that I absolutely do not respect. He's human, I'm human. Whatever. I guess maybe it means treating the other person like an individual and respecting that they have their own feelings about and approaches to stuff? I do that, but it can be hard. lol. This is not limited to my relationship with H, though.
yes I think it's like... treating people with respect. I don't always do it, but I feel like I SHOULD. He's better than me really. I sometimes think I'm just not the nicest person.
I mean there are many things about him I'd change. MANY THINGS. But knowing that there isn't a perfect man out there, I feel like, I've done ok. I'm generally happy with our life together. I feel like I've found a good match for me and a good man overall, given the fact that humanity as a whole is flawed.
I guess it's strange that I feel weird posting anything about my feelings on facebook yet here on this PUBLIC FORUM I appear to have absolutely no boundaries.
We just never get any time with each other. Our only date since the twins were born, actually before they were born, was my friends wedding in October. And that wasn't exactly a date. Before that, our last date was when I was pregnant with the twins. So, it's hard to feel great in your marriage when you never have time for just each other and it isn't about you guys anymore.
I am really excited about valentines weekend because I might get my mom to babysit so we can go eat and see a movie. And then I have plans for his birthday in April that my mom requested off for work, so hopefully we can get some time for ourselves then.
Post by creamsiclechica on Jan 30, 2015 12:57:44 GMT -5
It bothers me that if you have a different emotional makeup/expression that people can make assumptions about whether your expressions of those emotions are genuine.
My marriage is in an excellent place. It has taken a lot of work to get here, and it's a lot of work to maintain it. But I am very proud of it, just like any othe accomplishment, because to me, it is one. And my nature of to let people know, all the people in my life, how deeply and articulately I love them, and now that's shallow.
Nobody operates the same as anyone else, and my marriage advice wouldn't work for yours. But because I put on facebook how overwhelmed by love I ammy husband or my kids, I'm an asshole? Or it's not real? Or should be kept private? If people kept deep love in all forms between the subjects, we'd have no songs, no shows, no literature, no art.
I guess between this and the other threads the past couple days, it is making ME look too personally into it. And that's on me, for sure.
Post by BunnyLola919 on Jan 30, 2015 13:01:12 GMT -5
I think we are in a good/very good place in our marriage. Almost all of our tiffs stem from us being tired and/or hungry (we are trying to be more fit and active = eat less sweets and carbs). We also resolve conflict faster bc we really don't have time for that. Haha.
I actually asked my husband a few days ago what did we used to fight about pre-kids? We probably both had less patience back then. The children taught us something
These kind of threads are always goofy to me. I am incredibly secure and confident in my relationship, but I read some responses and think "wait, I don't really feel that way! My husband doesn't do that! should we?". I love him dearly, but he is kind of inconsiderate, and he sometimes isn't the nicest guy when he is stressed out, and he puts batteries back in the tapes/adhesives bin instead of the battery bin.
But MY priority for my relationship is somebody who I love being with and makes me laugh. That's why I married him. Not because of good father potential, or extreme kindness or *list your favorite attribute here*. (of course, if those things came with the package, great!). Comparison can be a bitch.
Post by Regina Philange on Jan 30, 2015 13:07:00 GMT -5
Marriage is work guys. Despite how happy you are.
I did find myself earlier this week missing the thrill of being young and desired and carefree. Everything is easier then. But that's not a realistic life.
I love my husband. He is a great man and a great father. We just don't have that spark anymore. The interesting thing is that I think that is okay. I don't subscribe to this belief that there has to be a spark for the entire life of marriage. However, social media and other such avenues make it seem like people should remain madly in love and ready to jump each other at any given time. I think this places a huge amount of stress on people. It sure does cause me to have a lot of guilt and anxiety over my feelings.
I truly feel that no relationship can remain in a state of bliss for long periods of time and I sometimes want to punch people who claim it's possible.
Post by monarobinson on Jan 30, 2015 13:10:47 GMT -5
I can honestly say that my husband is my very best friend. We don't have nonstop fireworks but we do have a damn good time together. He makes me laugh pretty much on a daily basis. We have been together since we were 19 and I really feel like we grew up and evolved together. There are times that I get so frustrated with him or even feel....complacent? But I know that I'm with the right person and feel like we make a pretty good team. I think everyone's marriage changes after kids. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not. For me, I went from loving my husband to loving my husband AND the awesome Dad that he became.
I think it's weird that it's not considered "okay" to make a lovey post about your husband, boyfriend, kids, whatever. If you're feeling happy with them, thankful for them, etc, at that moment and just want to share those happy feelings, why is that a bad thing? I can see that if it's something you're doing constantly that it can get old, but I don't assume they're just trying to "prove" something or that it's a lie.
It seems like there are so many rules now about what's okay and what's not okay to put on Facebook. No food pics, no workout pics, no "braggy" love posts, no selfies, no complaining, but no overly happy posts... What's left? Literally only pictures of your kids and pets. And then all your childless friends think you're annoying.
I did find myself earlier this week missing the thrill of being young and desired and carefree. Everything is easier then. But that's not a realistic life.
So true. I find myself day dreaming of my past life a lot lately. And then I have to remind myself to wake the F up.
Post by PatBenatar on Jan 30, 2015 13:24:09 GMT -5
We're somewhere between great and coexisting. I feel like there's constantly something going on and we haven't been taking enough time to connect as a couple. Work has been stressful lately and I feel shutting my brain off after K goes to bed. We need to plan more dates even if they are at home. I also think a weekend away, just the two of us, would do us a world of good. I love him and he's my best friend, but I'm not feeling much like a couple lately. We're in a lull for sure. It happens.
I genuinely don't care what people post on Facebook nor do I find it disingenuous if someone does post their love for someone. The only thing I find disingenuous is the belief or insinuation that a marriage is fireworks all the time or that it should be or that it isn't okay when it isn't. I'm sorry if anything I said made anyone feel differently.
Are there people who really feel like marriage is fireworks all the time? I honestly don't know any. Or maybe I start tuning it out. I feel like most people know that isn't realistic.
And my response isn't just about what was said in this thread, but I've seen a lot of posts lately on my fb, not from you guys, about people who post lovey things about their BF/H and how it's annoying/must not be true, and it seems to be a popular thing that it's not okay to show or post gushy things like that. I honestly am not really a gushy person either, but I have just noticed it seems like it's something that's viewed as not okay if you ARE. And again, I have noticed this in my own feed so not particularly directing this anyone here, it's just something I have noticed in general lately.
I don't care what people post on Facebook. But my lack of these big feelings for my husband makes me feel like (1) a freak show and (2) an asshole.
Yes, this is what I was trying to say up above about posting on facebook. You said it better than I did
Not so much about facebook, but about big feelings. I had big feelings about a guy once, way bigger than the ones I have for DH. But it was a really volitile relationship, with really high highs, and equally low lows. He was like a drug for me, I knew it was bad for me, but I couldn't stop. With DH it isn't like that at all, we are more smooth sailing. DH and I are very compatible, and have been since we met. I am thankful I grew up enough to not need those extreme emotions to be in a relationship, and thankful I waited to marry the right guy. But a part of me misses those highs (not the particular guy, but the emotion and drama even).
Are there people who really feel like marriage is fireworks all the time? I honestly don't know any. Or maybe I start tuning it out. I feel like most people know that isn't realistic.
I don't know if people really feel that way but there are certainly people who insinuate perfection and that anything less is grounds for divorce.
I probably just don't pay attention to those people, haha.
I would say really good. We are best friends and I feel that we are equal partners. We work really hard at maintaining a sense of respect and appreciation. He is so patient with my overly sensitive nature and knows I what I need to feel loved. I know he needs to be told how I'm proud of him and I know he needs physical connection (more than me). I sometimes miss our pre-kid days but I love our family we've created more than anything. We've been a couple for 14 years and we pretty much grew up together. Of course I get annoyed at times with him and frustrated, I cry sometimes because I get hurt easily. But, overall in our busy life I feel like he is my constant.
Marriages are so unique, just like children, and I feel like we should never compare our feelings or relationships. Rather, look at them in a healthy way to relate to other's experiences and to support eachother. No one should feel lesser than because of someone else's place in life but just take it as a different perspective or experience. I like being a part of this community because of this. It gives me more perspective.
Post by melmon0417 on Jan 30, 2015 13:39:54 GMT -5
creamsiclechica Thank you for what you wrote - I was thinking the same thing and couldn't formulate it into proper sentences.
I am totally vocal about how I feel about my husband, my daughter, my whole family. Just because I express that on FB (or anywhere, for that matter), doesn't mean my feelings aren't genuine. Yes, I brag on DH on FB. Why? Because I am a pain in the ass, and he is amazing to me, and I like to tell the world that. We do have an amazing marriage, one that I am truly proud of. My early 20's kicked my ass, and I worked really hard to get where I am personally, professionally, and as a wife and mother. I'm proud of all of those things and will tell the FB world that all day. If people roll their eyes at me, so be it.
I'm not a big emotions person but I do require a ton of reassurance that I am loved. I must ask my DH 10 times a day "Love me?" just to hear the response.
I could never put lovey dovey words on facebook because it is foreign to my personality. BUT, being married to my extremely emotional DH has taught me that just saying the words can give me a jolt of that butterfly feeling. It is nice and lovely and I enjoy the little high I get.
creamsiclechica I think that facebook statuses are a lot like love languages. I may not speak the language of public emotion very well, but that doesn't make it less valid.
I probably just don't pay attention to those people, haha.
I should probably do the same but instead I take it personally. . One of the few things in life I take personally.
I can see how it's easy to take personally if you feel like they are insinuating a marriage is supposed to be the way they are showing, but I guess I just don't read into it that way unless they are flat out saying "This is how it should be" I just think "oh they're happy today" or something, lol. But there are definitely things I do read into or take personally, but not so much that stuff. I guess because I can't believe that people really think a marriage should be perfect all the time or fit into a set type of standards
I don't post super mushy stuff on fb because it isn't ME. I have friends who do and it's very much them. It doesn't make me blink.
Like creamsiclechica, you are such a loving supportive person on here, I wouldn't be surprised or bothered to see a mushy fb post by you. It's who YOU are.
If I posted something like that, people would wonder if I was hacked.
I hope that makes sense.
Now, the mushy posts with a one upping quality are another story.
I don't post super mushy stuff on fb because it isn't ME. I have friends who do and it's very much them. It doesn't make me blink.
Like creamsiclechica, you are such a loving supportive person on here, I wouldn't be surprised or bothered to see a mushy fb post by you. It's who YOU are.
If I posted something like that, people would wonder if I was hacked.
I hope that makes sense.
Now, the mushy posts with a one upping quality are another story.
VERY well said!
I'm mushy... DH is not. If I post something mushy, it's just whatever. If he ever did, I might roll over and die. I don't think he has ever typed the words I love you on FB. lol
Post by sunshineluv on Jan 30, 2015 13:52:40 GMT -5
creamsiclechica, I had posted something about the fb emotions earlier this week, and you responded. Just to be clear, my fb judginess was not directed at you. It was directed at a girl I went to HS with who married a guy, cheated on him, left him, then dated a guy for a few years and had a kid with him (gushing all the while on fb). Then they broke up, since then she has had at least 3 boyfriends she gushes how amazing they are. What sparked my judgement of her feelings being disenginuous, is she is now engaged to a guy I sort of dated in high school. They are the last two people I would ever put together. He has never been married and is a good guy, if a little dorky. I am judging that she may just be taking advantage of him, and I should just be happy for them and hope they live happily ever after and that he is a good stepdad to her child.
Whew that got long winded, but please don't take what I said personally. I can remember you posting something recently about how proud you are of your DH, I thought it was really sweet (honestly!). He is a man to be proud of!!
The funny thing about this discussion is I think two couples could have almost identical relationships, and they'd still rank them different. One might say awesome and one might say good/okay.
I honestly think we are better and better together as we age. We've been together about 9 years now. We are nowhere near perfect and he can be super annoying like any guy can be, but we love each other and the family we are creating and work well together.