Post by rileym2010 on Jan 30, 2015 14:33:12 GMT -5
We are doing great right now. We had a rough patch when Evan was a newborn and I am assuming at this point that we will have another one with Claire, especially since he is leaving me alone with both of them and will get to sttn.
The funny thing about this discussion is I think two couples could have almost identical relationships, and they'd still rank them different. One might say awesome and one might say good/okay.
is a very glass half full/half empty way of looking at it.
Like I a reading through these benchmarks and thinking "Well that isn't even attainable for a long term relationship. I don't think it is a big deal that we don't do that." But to others it is a sign that they are just good not great. It is very interesting.
I don't post mushy stuff on FB (much), but I do fall into the camp of everything is pretty much perfect. We don't fight, we're very affectionate, we laugh together all the time, we have very similar but complementary interests, we've been deeply in love for the entire time we've been together. I don't at ALL feel that I'm in a position to judge other marriages or to say how things SHOULD be. But not everyone is bullshitting when they gush about their relationship.
some months more downs that ups some months more ups that downs
we have been together so long and watched each other change along the way. Some of the changes are for the better others take more time to come around to.
I would say we have always been slightly dysfunctional but I think our differences are what attracted each other to one another in the first place. We are night and day day and night different but I am not sure I would change that.
Every day is an adventure. I am pretty excited to be able to take this journey with my best friend, my partner in crime and my main confidant.
We obviously have flaws and issues and our fair share of horrific problems. I think it takes a strong foundation and a bit of delusion to go through a lot of the things we have faced over the past 10 years. I am not in denial that I think this marriage will work but I am going to do everything I can to give it all I have so I know at the end of the day we tried.
I know people look at me like I am an idiot or a coward for staying in a marriage that is so turbulent. I wish I could say you don't know my life!, ha! But in all honesty I think it took the last straw to really wake us both us and realize what was on the line and not take for granted what we have because tomorrow it might be taken away.
Post by thedahliharpa on Jan 30, 2015 15:35:20 GMT -5
If we existed in a bubble everything would be grand. But we don't. I can't separate our marraige from all of the other stress. We are both individually very strained most of the time. The core "us" will always be strong but I don't see the bullshit in the peripheral calming down for a long time. That's what wears us down. And no, we don't always rally like a team. We turn on each other sometimes and then do our best to do better the next time.
I wish H could stay at home. Seriously. I think that would probably be my ideal situation and would free up time on the weekends for us to do things together as a couple and as a family.
I haven't really found the right time to say this on the board, but MH actually just finished out his last two weeks at his job. This week has been awesome, we have had a lot of time as a family, and I'm very much looking forward to our first family weekend in years. I kind of always want him to stay home, lol.
This is where I am too. Â My husband is a great guy: fun, loving, romantic, successful, attractive, interesting, etc. Â I just have trouble remembering this when I'm home alone for the fourth night in a row and am still discovering errant socks. Â
No one on this board could be married to me. Â I am always the dirty, disorganized husband they describe. Â My DH constantly finds half drank water glasses and coffee cups everywhere. I just don't think to put them in the sink. Â
I know, I'm the annoying husband too. Cut them some slack ladies :-) it's not meant to piss you off.
I wish H could stay at home. Seriously. I think that would probably be my ideal situation and would free up time on the weekends for us to do things together as a couple and as a family.
Things were so good when he stayed home PT with H. He's an excellent father and house husband. It made him really happy and he catered to my limited time home happily. Now, he still caters to all of us but it wears him out.
Post by playswithsquirrels on Jan 30, 2015 15:50:10 GMT -5
It's a lot better after our huge blow up we had a while ago. We're both putting in much more effort and it's very noticeable. I like the place we're in now, but there's definitely still room for improvement.
Things were so good when he stayed home PT with H. He's an excellent father and house husband. It made him really happy and he catered to my limited time home happily. Now, he still caters to all of us but it wears him out.
Same for E. He makes such a great SAHD. I really wish our lifestyle could afford it.
Same, but I think it's made some things harder for him. He took over so much so that I could do what I needed to do and I've never been at a point since where I've had the ability or desire to take some of those things back. But, I had another baby and I am a high intensity parent ages 0-3. I've also acquired new stresses like being miss Kindergarten's personal assistant, scheduler, chauffeur, and tutor. I probably never will GAF again whether or not the bathroom garbage is overflowing or that he's taken it out 99 of the last 100 times. I wish he would just embrace this as me being me rather than those moments where he feels I'm acting entitled or unappreciative. It's more because I'm overwhelmed and oblivious.
Post by breezy8407 on Jan 30, 2015 16:27:17 GMT -5
My H is an amazing SAHD. He does it in the summers and rocks it. Way better than I would ever be at it. Actually, our life in the summers is so much better. We don't have the stress of daycare drop off/pick up, it's summer(!), H does general household stuff when the kids nap like laundry, dishes, etc so they don't pile up.
omg, thedahliharpa, I had been putting Thad's pull ups and diapers in a garbage can with no bag for days because I can't remember/am too lazy to grab a new one. My DH was like, UMMMMMMM THADSMOM THIS IS SO GROSS!!!!!!
I answered 'coexist needing the spark' but it's really more between there and good overall. Like many of the PPs, we have our ups and downs. If I'm looking at this impartially, I know it's because we're stressed financially right now. Our pending move should improve the situation dramatically but it sucks juggling this stupid IVF debt when we're up to our eyeballs in mortgage and daycare payments. So, it's temporary but when we're both looking at the light at the end of the tunnel (instead of one or both looking at the bottom of a pit), we're doing pretty darn good but...looking the same direction is easier said than done.
I do worry sometimes that we "trade" time too much on weekends - switching off with DD instead of spending time all together (outside the house). We've been making an effort not to spend the whole weekend like that and it's helped but again - long "to do" list at home and it's easier to get through it quickly when one person is out with the kiddo.
Post by browneyedhunni85 on Jan 30, 2015 17:11:21 GMT -5
Our marriage is good. We bicker sometimes but who doesn't? I sometimes wish we did more but we are both such homebodies. We try to do date night often without C. After working all week we are so exhausted. We are TTC so we are having more sex and he is very involved with that and my girl issues lol. I can't imagine being without him. We are both so ready to complete our family.
Dh has two days off and when the kids are in be we watch our shows and play cards and I cook. That's about the extent of our time together otherwise he is at work. Hopefully when they kids are older we'll be able to go out together, we're going to Belize or Costa Rica this fall and I'm excited
Where in Belize?
I hear Liberia is the nicest so maybe there. Not sure yet. Costa Rica has better deals though.
I haven't read through this whole thing but I didn't mean to hurt feelings. I think I was talking about when people have conversations with their spouse on Facebook... IDK it just makes no sense to me and seems odd and AW.
Eh, we're okay, but we're headed in the right direction. We've dealt with some pretty heavy issues over the last few years and are still trucking along. He drives me nuts, but he's my nut.
oh my gosh, my husband would be a TERRIBLE SAHD/SAHH. He's great watching them and keeping them fed/alive/putting to bed when I leave them with him for a couple of hours, but the house would always look like a bomb went off when I got home, he would never cook, would have no idea how to shop, would probably get really irritated with the kids when he couldn't just be on his computer or phone for 95% of the day and not understand that he can't take 30 min to take a shit when 3 people are depending on you. I don't have anywhere close to his income potential with my background right now anyways, but it's almost absurd to think about our roles being reversed. Which is NOT ideal, I'd love it if he cared or knew more about the domestic areas of life. Like I've said before, both my boys are absolutely going to be taught how to take care of themselves and their future families.
AndyCohen I get the same burnt out feelings. Sometimes, on the weekend I want to check out and have alone time. My H has a hard time juggling both kids, so it's hard.
Post by rainbowchip on Jan 30, 2015 19:55:59 GMT -5
I fall between 5-7. It's a lot of things. We started dating really young. At this point I think I have changed and he is basically the 18 year old kid I started dating. There isn't anything wrong with either of us but we just don't have a ton in common anymore. We also have had financial difficulties for the past 4 1/2 years which has really taken its toll on us.
I thought that the type of love you find in a book was just fiction but after hearing real stories from people here, I know it does exist and it makes me feel cheated.
oh my gosh, my husband would be a TERRIBLE SAHD/SAHH. He's great watching them and keeping them fed/alive/putting to bed when I leave them with him for a couple of hours, but the house would always look like a bomb went off when I got home, he would never cook, would have no idea how to shop, would probably get really irritated with the kids when he couldn't just be on his computer or phone for 95% of the day and not understand that he can't take 30 min to take a shit when 3 people are depending on you. I don't have anywhere close to his income potential with my background right now anyways, but it's almost absurd to think about our roles being reversed. Which is NOT ideal, I'd love it if he cared or knew more about the domestic areas of life. Like I've said before, both my boys are absolutely going to be taught how to take care of themselves and their future families.
This to an extent for my husband. He would have to work on his attitude towards the kids (he is a great dad just not used to being around them all the time and that makes a difference) and what needs to be done around the house. He is usually our cook though so no concerns there.
Part of the reason I am home is the former since I don't feel like I am a good parent being stressed out by work and he is not either.
Our marriage is very solid. We are best friends and enjoy each other immensely. If we had the chance to get away together more all would be perfect. We certainly don't have the spark we had when we first met but if we had more time just us it would come back along with more sex I am sure.
I fall between 5-7. It's a lot of things. We started dating really young. At this point I think I have changed and he is basically the 18 year old kid I started dating. There isn't anything wrong with either of us but we just don't have a ton in common anymore. We also have had financial difficulties for the past 4 1/2 years which has really taken its toll on us.
I thought that the type of love you find in a book was just fiction but after hearing real stories from people here, I know it does exist and it makes me feel cheated.
Sorry.
I really do think it only exists for certain personality types. Like, I could probably never feel that way long-term. Maybe early on, before I actually had to live with the person. lol
I've also been where you are, and we've kind of come back around to being in a similar place again. I've lightened up some, and H has matured some.
It got a little better when I was working from home but we work opposite shifts so we don't see each other and he doesn't communicate well in text message. I think the lack of communication is another huge factor. So I haven't pulled the plug completely yet.
Things are great. We were great before, but having a kid has brought out good things. But we're both super stressed with work, so the sex is lacking and we don't see each other a lot.