@damnation I've said this before. You should not be part of making these decisions. Put this on your H, and support him in what he decides.
You're right. Last time you said it, I took it to heart and have let him take the lead. It's a load off me. He, like me, is interested in looking into holding her back. I wouldn't make that decision "unilaterally" as PPs suggest. We both feel that repeating a grade and doing well (both academically and socially) is better than advancing a grade and struggling. Not saying it's right, but our reasoning really is coming from a place of good.
I think you need to do some reading and have some understanding of how ELL students learn English. Based on your replies, you do not have any clue. Google social vs academic language. You and your H both need to understand how this works. The ESL specialist can help you and they can provide an interpreter for your H. Your desire to hold her back due to her status as an ELL student is a red flag that your assumptions of the situation do not match the reality of the situation.
I am honestly getting angry thinking about how much time and effort you had put into wanting throw her a "welcome party" while it is becoming more and more obvious you aren't willing to put in even HALF the effort to actually get her the help and services she needs to adjust.
Well, the welcome party was about patting herself and her H on the back. Look at what good people we are bringing H's daughter here from the land of no running water and sleeping with her grandparents! We have AC! We have a washing machine! She has her own bed!
It was never about the best way of helping her SD adjust to life in a new country.
I seriously almost didn't open this post, because I'm still so pissed about the last post she made. I feel so incredibly sad for this poor girl who has had their world turned upside down, and instead of getting support and love she is forced to deal with step mommy dearest.
I am honestly getting angry thinking about how much time and effort you had put into wanting throw her a "welcome party" while it is becoming more and more obvious you aren't willing to put in even HALF the effort to actually get her the help and services she needs to adjust.
Well, the welcome party was about patting herself and her H on the back. Look at what good people we are bringing H's daughter here from the land of no running water and sleeping with her grandparents! We have AC! We have a washing machine! She has her own bed!
It was never about the best way of helping her SD adjust to life in a new country.
But she has her own bed! Well she does now that she started locking her door to keep 4-year-old DS out. Now she just needs to work on getting into it on time.
Oh yeah, and is it weird that she sleeps with the light on? I'm assuming she's sleeping ok, because I hear her snore as soon as her head hits the pillow. I'm right outside her door cuddling DS to sleep when she heads to bed (LATE, I MIGHT ADD), so you can just trust me on this.
But on topic: it's high time this child learned to respect our home and rules. What arbitrary, nonsensical punishment can I come up with to show her who's boss?
@damnation I've said this before. You should not be part of making these decisions. Put this on your H, and support him in what he decides.
You're right. Last time you said it, I took it to heart and have let him take the lead. It's a load off me. He, like me, is interested in looking into holding her back. I wouldn't make that decision "unilaterally" as PPs suggest. We both feel that repeating a grade and doing well (both academically and socially) is better than advancing a grade and struggling. Not saying it's right, but our reasoning really is coming from a place of good.
Funds are very tight. We are in month 3 living on one salary that is paltry. I am working with a bilingual counselor to begin family therapy after insurance coverage has been verified. I honestly don't mean to be non-responsive in this thread but I'm between laughing and crying at the responses. I'm not sure how to respond.
So......what insurance coverage needs to be verified if you are already using it for therapy for like, over a year?
And if you are already seeing a therapist yourself, why haven't you asked to do a family session?
Expect it to take a few sessions before you see a plan forming to address what it is you want to talk about.
The therapist should be at least a PhD so I would call him/her Dr. So-and-so.
$45 is my copay for a specialist. I used to have limits but my therapist would always request more from my insurance company and they (insurance co) never said no.
Your initial session will cover stuff like other physicians offices do: your medical history, family history. Also you'll probably talk about insurance and the therapist's billing practices. Often the therapist will open the first session by asking you why you are there/what you are looking to achieve.
I...Wut? She doesn't do family therapy and does not speak Spanish, so...
You are really showing your ass in this thread. I get the hate on me and my decisions in here but yours is really over the top bordering on laughable. But go on...
I seriously almost didn't open this post, because I'm still so pissed about the last post she made. I feel so incredibly sad for this poor girl who has had their world turned upside down, and instead of getting support and love she is forced to deal with step mommy dearest.
Post by hopecounts on Jan 30, 2015 14:53:17 GMT -5
She needs a Spanish Speaking tutor to assist her with keeping up, it's clear that she can do it based on the homework grade she just needs assistance to overcome the language barrier. And frankly she sounds like 95% of 8th graders I know, most don't want to go to school they do it because their parents make them. I certainly went through that phase in Middle School and still went on to do APs in HS and do great at College. She is doing amazingly well for the short time she has had to adjust. I would 100% not hold her back over this, it isn't going to help and will likely do harm.
Funds are very tight. We are in month 3 living on one salary that is paltry. I am working with a bilingual counselor to begin family therapy after insurance coverage has been verified. I honestly don't mean to be non-responsive in this thread but I'm between laughing and crying at the responses. I'm not sure how to respond.
So......what insurance coverage needs to be verified if you are already using it for therapy for like, over a year?
And if you are already seeing a therapist yourself, why haven't you asked to do a family session?
Expect it to take a few sessions before you see a plan forming to address what it is you want to talk about.
The therapist should be at least a PhD so I would call him/her Dr. So-and-so.
$45 is my copay for a specialist. I used to have limits but my therapist would always request more from my insurance company and they (insurance co) never said no.
Your initial session will cover stuff like other physicians offices do: your medical history, family history. Also you'll probably talk about insurance and the therapist's billing practices. Often the therapist will open the first session by asking you why you are there/what you are looking to achieve.
To be fair to the therapist (lol) they might not be qualified to perform family therapy (It's a whole different certification).
But the other stuff? She's full of it. 100%. Because her individual therapist would be able to refer her to someone to help her whole family. Even the bilingual part.
Post by snipsnsnails on Jan 30, 2015 14:56:03 GMT -5
I want to agree with everything that redheadk has said in here. You and DH need to utilize the resources the school has in place, while being the best advocate possible for your DSD.
As an aside, my parents have recently taken in my teenage niece to live with them. It has been a very tumultuous transition, and they don't have nearly the added layers that are in place within your own family dynamic. It has been almost 6 months of growing pains for all of them, but they are getting there. While the situation is not ideal for anyone, most of all my niece who has had a very difficult childhood, there is love there and a lot of work and some progress.
I hope your DH finds employment soon and it frees up some of the budget so that it can be moved toward some additional resources for your DSD and your family as whole.
To be fair to the therapist (lol) they might not be qualified to perform family therapy (It's a whole different certification).
But the other stuff? She's full of it. 100%.
Her own therapist could give references.
She obviously has insurance that covers therapy, finding one after the multiple times it has been suggested to her is not impossible.
Even if her own therapist doesn't do it, or she needs to go through other resources, she clearly IS capable of finding help when she feels it is worth it.
I have also told her MULTIPLE times (including before today) how INS can help her with resources that don't even require insurance.
@damnation, may I ask a serious question? I'm asking without snark, I promise.
Why did you and your H move her here? Did her grandparents pass away? Also, if not, how often does she speak with them?
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
@damnation, may I ask a serious question? I'm asking without snark, I promise.
Why did you and your H move her here? Did her grandparents pass away? Also, if not, how often does she speak with them?
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
So he waited until she was a teenager to actually do it? WHY? And you say, "It was always our intention". Why wasn't it always your HUSBAND'S intention? The more you tell us, the more it sounds like you wanted to be some white knight, pushed your husband into bringing her here even though he wasn't terribly motivated on his own, and now you regret it and resent her because it's not the fairytale ending you thought it would be because she's a real person, with real feelings, and real history that doesn't include you OR her father.
@damnation, may I ask a serious question? I'm asking without snark, I promise.
Why did you and your H move her here? Did her grandparents pass away? Also, if not, how often does she speak with them?
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
But you aren't giving her any of those things. You are setting her up to fail. Your posts here do not look like you are giving her a loving, solid home foundation at all. You took her away from the only family she knows and are expecting her to poof be the perfect Americanized daughter. You have given her none of the foundations she needs to be successful here.
Disclaimer, haven't read all the response. I'm going through something similar with my step kids that came from another country. Please don't hold her back. My stepdaughter got held back when we register her for school and she was really upset and depressed by it. Holding her back is not going to do any good. My step son is getting c and d on his report card and we have not considered holding him back. Is going to take TIME for everyone to adjust. My steps kids have been in the US since July and we are still adjusting.
We've done family counseling and it help some. You all need to go to family therapy, no excuses. All decisiĆ³n that pertain to her need to be made by the father. Being a step parent is really hard and it seems you are making it unnecessarily harder on all of y'all.
Someone sujested that INS can help but that has not been the case for us. We had better luck looking for help through local spanish organization. If your in NOLA by any chance I can give you some names.
It was the reason SD just now came to the US. Damnation has been clear in the past that she would delete after explaining so I assume that's why pants deleted it as well.
@damnation I've said this before. You should not be part of making these decisions. Put this on your H, and support him in what he decides.
You're right. Last time you said it, I took it to heart and have let him take the lead. It's a load off me. He, like me, is interested in looking into holding her back. I wouldn't make that decision "unilaterally" as PPs suggest. We both feel that repeating a grade and doing well (both academically and socially) is better than advancing a grade and struggling. Not saying it's right, but our reasoning really is coming from a place of good.
You are rearranging deckchairs on a sinking ship. Focusing on how clean the house will look when the firemen arrive, so you're washing dishes in a burning kitchen. The stuff you keep posting about? REALLY doesn't matter. Like at all.
Your family should have been in therapy MONTHS ago. And. You're. Still. Not. And sorry, the Insurance verification thing sounds like total crap. You should have been verifying coverage for that during all of those months that she was not living with you but getting ready to so that on day 1 you could hit the ground running. You did nothing on this front, and you continue to do nothing on this front, because you want this to be about having a difficult stepdaughter instead of what the issues actually are for all of you involved.
Whether or not this girl repeats eighth grade, whether her clothes are too tight, whether she sleeps with the light on, right now? Doesn't mean shit. Can you please, please try to wrap your head around that? For at least the next six months, all this girl needs to do each day is put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Everything else she manages to accomplish is just bonus. Can you please, please try to understand this? So every time you post here about her (which you should really stop doing), unless the issue is "She went on a killing spree and ground the dead bodies into lovely hamburger patties" just stop. Because it is not important. What is important is getting her, and you, and your entire family, into the hands of a skilled mental health provider. Nothing short of that is sufficient.