@damnation, may I ask a serious question? I'm asking without snark, I promise.
Why did you and your H move her here? Did her grandparents pass away? Also, if not, how often does she speak with them?
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
Be honest, then. Right now. Own it. Let's break this down.
You expected a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL to come from Po'SpanishCountry to AMURCA and be all "Ayudame! Aydame!" and "Gracias por la ropa!" because you gave her a new roof over her head (with all the awesome trimmings like RUNNING WATER, a TOILET, and a BED to herself!) and she hasn't fallen over herself to kiss your feet everyday since her arrival. She acts like a ... what's that word? Those people who are young and moody and developing... A TEENAGER.... and you cannot understand how she acts toward you! She prefers the clothes that are similar to her home country (= tight and therefore judgeworthy by you ^o)) and she seems moody and sad. But you guys RESCUED HER! She should be weeping with tears of joy.
Coem on now. There is only one person acting like a childish fool in this household, and it's not the teenager. You are pissed that your happy household of 3 has been RUINED by your husband's firstborn. I assure you, language barrier or not, your step-daughter knows you cannot stand her. Keep it up. Really. It's going to get so much better with your attitude.
And for Christ's sake, learn spanish. It is not THAT hard. There are apps for that. And I cannot fathom in NINE YEARS of marriage, neither you nor your husband could have made more effort to communicate efffecively. WTELF?
For at least the next six months, all this girl needs to do each day is put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Everything else she manages to accomplish is just bonus.
@damnation I am repeating these wise words from sparky, because of how On Point she is! Please strive to have some empathy for this poor girl. We're not "picking her side" or "ganging up on you;" it's simply become too obvious that it's YOUR issue (not step-daughter's issue) to not put up a fight for this poor girl who doesn't seem to have anyone (@ least anyone in The States) in her corner!
Please realize there is a reason that a bunch of Internet strangers are on her side, & try to nudge yourself a little farther that way. I'd love to see an update next week that you've scheduled your first family counseling appt. I really don't see it happening though
Post by hopecounts on Jan 30, 2015 16:09:42 GMT -5
FB post just reminded me, one of my sorority sisters was a 2nd generation Spanish Speaker. She volunteered at a program in our school's language department that did free tutoring for ELL students in the community (elementary on up) If you live near a College it might be worth contacting the language department and seeing if there is something similar or if there is a student who would be a good option for tutoring her.
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
And for Christ's sake, learn spanish. It is not THAT hard. There are apps for that. And I cannot fathom in NINE YEARS of marriage, neither you nor your husband could have made more effort to communicate efffecively. WTELF?
Throwing some serious shade your way.
I realize there was much more to your thread in which to respond but I just can't with this. My H and I have been married 5 years. And I do speak Spanish. Again...not well, but I get by.
@damnation, has your SD made any friends? Are there any clubs or groups in your area that she's involved with? I can't imagine how isolating all this must feel to her. Also, what does she do in her free time? Does she mostly hang around the house or is she out and about?
She has a couple of girlfriends at school and is signed up to play on the girls softball team beginning in Feb. She is also involved with our church.
ETA: I just asked her if she wanted to invite her girlfriend over this weekend and she said no, that she's not used to inviting friends to her home and she's not ready. H suggested we have a get together when the weather warms up to invite her friends and their parents to our house for a cook out. She seemed amenable to that.
It has always been our intention to bring her to live with us. She is my husband's daughter and she needs her father. Because, like he, she has infinitely more opportunity here for everything from a loving, solid home foundation to healthcare, safety, education, career and self-independence (read: not having to care for her ailing GPs). I'm not sure what you're looking for. Her GPs are living and they speak almost daily. At least 5 times a week.
So he waited until she was a teenager to actually do it? WHY? And you say, "It was always our intention". Why wasn't it always your HUSBAND'S intention? The more you tell us, the more it sounds like you wanted to be some white knight, pushed your husband into bringing her here even though he wasn't terribly motivated on his own, and now you regret it and resent her because it's not the fairytale ending you thought it would be because she's a real person, with real feelings, and real history that doesn't include you OR her father.
OMG. OK. H came here 9 years ago. Illegally. Unless he wanted to sneak her across the boarder illegally, she could not join him. Once we married, I, as an American citizen and his wife, could petition for her to come live with us legally. For the first 3 years, we saved money, secured loans and obtained an immigration lawyer. The last 2 years have been spent navigating the immigration process for her and for H. The last step in the process is H receiving his legal residential status visa. Our interview is in March, thank God. ~90 days after the interview, he should become a legal resident.
Post by EmilieMadison on Jan 30, 2015 16:48:00 GMT -5
Your whole life is very tumultuous. You have struggled with finances, legal issues, depression/anxiety, IF, your husband's immigration issues, your stepdaughter's immigration issues, your son acting out at her arrival, and dealing with a new family dynamic. That's a LOT.
GET HELP NOW. Stop making excuses. Stop putting it off. Stop blaming other people or circumstances. GET HELP NOW. You owe it to these kids who haven't asked for this.
Your whole life is very tumultuous. You have struggled with finances, legal issues, depression/anxiety, IF, your husband's immigration issues, your stepdaughter's immigration issues, your son acting out at her arrival, and dealing with a new family dynamic. That's a LOT.
GET HELP NOW. Stop making excuses. Stop putting it off. Stop blaming other people or circumstances. GET HELP NOW. You owe it to these kids who haven't asked for this.
@damnation, has your SD made any friends? Are there any clubs or groups in your area that she's involved with? I can't imagine how isolating all this must feel to her. Also, what does she do in her free time? Does she mostly hang around the house or is she out and about?
She has a couple of girlfriends at school and is signed up to play on the girls softball team beginning in Feb. She is also involved with our church.
ETA: I just asked her if she wanted to invite her girlfriend over this weekend and she said no, that she's not used to inviting friends to her home and she's not ready. H suggested we have a get together when the weather warms up to invite her friends and their parents to our house for a cook out. She seemed amenable to that.
So he waited until she was a teenager to actually do it? WHY? And you say, "It was always our intention". Why wasn't it always your HUSBAND'S intention? The more you tell us, the more it sounds like you wanted to be some white knight, pushed your husband into bringing her here even though he wasn't terribly motivated on his own, and now you regret it and resent her because it's not the fairytale ending you thought it would be because she's a real person, with real feelings, and real history that doesn't include you OR her father.
OMG. OK. H came here 9 years ago. Illegally. Unless he wanted to sneak her across the boarder illegally, she could not join him. Once we married, I, as an American citizen and his wife, could petition for her to come live with us legally. For the first 3 years, we saved money, secured loans and obtained an immigration lawyer. The last 2 years have been spent navigating the immigration process for her and for H. The last step in the process is H receiving his legal residential status visa. Our interview is in March, thank God. ~90 days after the interview, he should become a legal resident.
You said she'd always lived with her grandparents. Where was he the first several years of her life? You've make it sounds like you're barely holding it together normally. You have to be honest with yourself- did you really do this in her best interested, and in a WAY that was in her best interest?
She has a couple of girlfriends at school and is signed up to play on the girls softball team beginning in Feb. She is also involved with our church.
ETA: I just asked her if she wanted to invite her girlfriend over this weekend and she said no, that she's not used to inviting friends to her home and she's not ready. H suggested we have a get together when the weather warms up to invite her friends and their parents to our house for a cook out. She seemed amenable to that.
Again.
REARRANGING DECK CHAIRS.
Do you get that? Like, even a little bit?
If it's a reference to something specific, no. I'm assuming you mean something about missing the point of getting into family therapy. I answered the question to try to say she is integrating into social activities.
If it's a reference to something specific, no. I'm assuming you mean something about missing the point of getting into family therapy. I answered the question to try to say she is integrating into social activities.
You are prattling on about shit like friends and clothes. You would rather talk about those than addess that you apparently had several years to figure out your coverage for therapeutic services for you, your stepdaughter and your family and did not do so. This is why everyone who is responding to you has a headache as well as dents in their keyboard.
OMG. OK. H came here 9 years ago. Illegally. Unless he wanted to sneak her across the boarder illegally, she could not join him. Once we married, I, as an American citizen and his wife, could petition for her to come live with us legally. For the first 3 years, we saved money, secured loans and obtained an immigration lawyer. The last 2 years have been spent navigating the immigration process for her and for H. The last step in the process is H receiving his legal residential status visa. Our interview is in March, thank God. ~90 days after the interview, he should become a legal resident.
You said she'd always lived with her grandparents. Where was he the first several years of her life? You've make it sounds like you're barely holding it together normally. You have to be honest with yourself- did you really do this in her best interested, and in a WAY that was in her best interest?
Up until her age of 4, he lived with her, SD's mother, H's brother and H's parents in his parent's (her grandparent's) house. Years 4-13 he was here in the US. He could not go back to see her. She could not come here to see him. Because, illegal.
If it's a reference to something specific, no. I'm assuming you mean something about missing the point of getting into family therapy. I answered the question to try to say she is integrating into social activities.
You are prattling on about shit like friends and clothes. You would rather talk about those than addess that you apparently had several years to figure out your coverage for therapeutic services for you, your stepdaughter and your family and did not do so. This is why everyone who is responding to you has a headache as well as dents in their keyboard.
Friends and clothes are a little easier to talk about than try to even form a response to the myriad of cries why the fuck I haven't secured counseling. Not that it matters at this point but my H and I have a meeting with the therapist next week to talk about options for family counseling.
You are prattling on about shit like friends and clothes. You would rather talk about those than addess that you apparently had several years to figure out your coverage for therapeutic services for you, your stepdaughter and your family and did not do so. This is why everyone who is responding to you has a headache as well as dents in their keyboard.
Friends and clothes are a little easier to talk about than try to even form a response to the myriad of cries why the fuck I haven't secured counseling. Not that it matters at this point but my H and I have a meeting with the therapist next week to talk about options for family counseling.
Poor AutumnRose25 has asked this question so many times she probably can't respond because her head has straight up exploded off of her neck. This post has been online all afternoon. You waited until page 8 to mention this? So, you made the appointment fifteen minutes ago? Again. Your application process for your stepdaughter's visa was apprently years in the making. I don't really think you get that the reson why you are being shredded so hard here is that you should have had this lined up, ready to go from day 1 and yet here you are, three months later, and it still hasn't happened. Because it was not important to you to do so. You wanted it to be a Lifetime Movie special where the credits rolled as she stepped off the plane and lived "happily ever after."
Please read it. Retention is associated with awful outcomes for students. I would never recommend it as a school counselor unless there was no other choice!
You said she'd always lived with her grandparents. Where was he the first several years of her life? You've make it sounds like you're barely holding it together normally. You have to be honest with yourself- did you really do this in her best interested, and in a WAY that was in her best interest?
Up until her age of 4, he lived with her, SD's mother, H's brother and H's parents in his parent's (her grandparent's) house. Years 4-13 he was here in the US. He could not go back to see her. She could not come here to see him. Because, illegal.
So in essence he left before she was old enough to really remember him, didn't get to see him for 9 yrs and has now been ripped from the only stable parental figures she had and is living in a country where she doesn't speak the language, with completely foreign customs/behaviors, and is living with two adults who are basically strangers and being expected to fall in line immediately. SERIOUSLY? You're surprised that she is struggling and bucking the rules?
You are prattling on about shit like friends and clothes. You would rather talk about those than addess that you apparently had several years to figure out your coverage for therapeutic services for you, your stepdaughter and your family and did not do so. This is why everyone who is responding to you has a headache as well as dents in their keyboard.
Friends and clothes are a little easier to talk about than try to even form a response to the myriad of cries why the fuck I haven't secured counseling. Not that it matters at this point but my H and I have a meeting with the therapist next week to talk about options for family counseling.
Seriously, damnation. Please read this and pay attention.
Your stepdaughter has spent the entire first 12 years of her life living someplace else. She doesn't remember living with her dad. Her grandparents are her world. Central America is her world.
She doesn't care about flush toilets and greater educational or employment opportunities down the road. She doesn't care if your house is nicer or she has more clothes or that she doesn't have to wash her clothes in a bucket.
What she cares about is that she is 12. Which - let's face it - is a supremely shitty age to begin with. And now she is living with people she doesn't know in a place where the language and customs are very different from everything with which she's familiar.
Many 12-year olds... fuck, many PEOPLE, including your son and YOU... need counseling even without all of these other factors.
I know it's hard for you. I know that this has been an emotional roller coaster for your entire family.
But please know she's not acting out. She doesn't need to be held back in school. And she isn't trying to wreak havoc in your household.
She is 12. And she needs someone she can talk to and to feel loved and welcome and that it's okay if she doesn't love it there yet and that she can take all the time she needs to get comfortable.
I've been in this thread all afternoon trying to figure out how to articulate my thoughts.
I'll just leave it at this: Your SD's adjustment is going to take time. Lots and lots of time. And patience and consistency. And LOVE. She needs to know people will be there for her - her father, you, her half-brother, her friends (classmates), her church. You cannot try something out and if it doesn't work within a couple of weeks, change it. She needs time to adjust.
Friends and clothes are a little easier to talk about than try to even form a response to the myriad of cries why the fuck I haven't secured counseling. Not that it matters at this point but my H and I have a meeting with the therapist next week to talk about options for family counseling.
Poor AutumnRose25 has asked this question so many times she probably can't respond because her head has straight up exploded off of her neck.
I know. I'm a huge dick because I was enjoying watching her head explode.
OMG. OK. H came here 9 years ago. Illegally. Unless he wanted to sneak her across the boarder illegally, she could not join him. Once we married, I, as an American citizen and his wife, could petition for her to come live with us legally. For the first 3 years, we saved money, secured loans and obtained an immigration lawyer. The last 2 years have been spent navigating the immigration process for her and for H. The last step in the process is H receiving his legal residential status visa. Our interview is in March, thank God. ~90 days after the interview, he should become a legal resident.
If your husband is not yet a legal resident why did you say he got his Green Card in November?
On what status is your step-daughter currently in the US?
i made a mistake that I later corrected. He received his work permit in Nov. Why are you so confrontational with the questions? What does her status have to do with anything? She is legal, if that's what you're wondering.