I reserve the right to DD this due to a lot of personal info.
I'm struggling to find a place that fits my budget for renting that's not a mess and is suitable to run a business (I work out of my home so I am there 99% of the time).
I really wanted to find a townhouse, condo, or single family home to rent.
That's proving hard in my price range and town I'm looking in, and some of these places are not in good shape at all for renting (very loud wallpaper, very dirty old carpet, outside looks run down, no appliances)--these were Grandma's house, and they can't sell it, so they're renting it out, but it's not like a long-term thing and they're unwilling to change most things, which I totally get (when you rent an apartment, on the other hand, you seem to get more neutral decor, lawn has been kept up, etc).
Is it normal to not get use of a garage or workshop or shed? Saw a GREAT house, but there is tons of stuff in the yard, and it appears the large workshop and garage are going to be used by the owners still for their side business (I wanted to use it for my business)--and the lawn didn't look very presentable for my clients to come. I worry that I can't control some things like that if I rent and the owners are still coming by with their things.
I found a TINY house for rent and looked at it. It's cute. Very clean. Small, only one bathroom and I wanted two. It's a bungalow and from 1915. I like that old style. WELL below my budget--might be tight with a roommate and existing furniture.
It's also for sale. It needs some updating (no dishwasher, no second bathroom, a few small broken railings and a crappy looking porch). It's cheap but I could fix it up and pay less than the rent every month for a mortgage.
Am I crazy to even consider for a moment buying? I wouldn't consider it, but it's below my means. It isn't what I wan forever-it's a starter place.
Longterm goal is to own several houses and rent them out as a source of income, for the record, as I grow out of each one.
I could pay cash for the home; it would drain my liquid savings and reduce my total monetary assets by 10%. Also, would have a roommate there to pay *me* instead of us both paying someone else.
Sorry for the long text--don't have anyone else to ask about this and you ladies always bring up such good points and give great advice.
Stay dressed, change only when going to bed or, if it's a young married friend/young married mom my age, I'll put on yoga pants when she does, but still with a nice top. I wear full makeup every day even when home alone. I always wear a bra, even to bed.
Kwynn, sorry for your loss. But when you say all people with mental illness are unpredictable it is untrue, incredibly stigmatizing and cruel.
I'm sorry.
You're right, not all people with mental illnesses are unpredictable. I stand corrected and amend my statement-that did come off as harsh and overgeneralizing-*some* people with mental illnesses are unpredictable especially if untreated and it is hard to predict (for the layperson) who will become mentally ill and at when since it can affect anyone. How can someone be totally fine and be dead three days later? It was very unpredictable to me.
Like with the OP's situation, I doubt the wife could have ever predicted that he would act that way. I could have never predicted my husband would have killed himself. Sometimes the symptoms (at least to me, a totally untrained person---you have much more insight, obviously) are *not* what they tell you in health class or those simple brochures.
I have anxiety, and I don't think I'm unpredictable, so that does make sense, but some disorders may have unpredictable behavior if not treated, right?
I don't know--I've been very hurt by what I feel was a very shocking, completely unexpected, out of character behavior from my husband, and so it takes a lot for me to trust someone, and I just don't trust people and their behavior anymore-I feel like anyone could do something totally unexpected at any time, and I'm talking anyone-not just those with mental illness.
I hope that doesn't seem cruel that I don't really trust people's behaviors or what they seem like on the outside. I only have my own experience to base it on with my late husband and then a few mentally ill family members and that is not really any experience at all compared to someone that is a doctor in the field.
Thank you for all your kind words. I'm not a regular on this board. Just my whole perspective has changed on things since April. My family, all our friends, and I--we all thought you'd *always* see warning signs and that ppl that said they didn't were oblivious, dumb, or lying. And now, I believe them.
Here's the really scary thing I think about relating to AL: Are some people born sociopaths? Psychopaths? Is this something that may be born into you and nurturing may not help? Or it may be born into you and some ppl can overcome it with nurturing and some cannot and will always be "evil"?
I read the book "Columbine" which presents the theory that Eric Harris was a complete sociopath from a young age (gives examples) for which punishment, nurturing, parenting, rewards, etc, did nothing on him, and therapy only made him a better liar. Dylan was a more normal kid growing up according to the author and was following Eric, got mixed in with a bad person, and was already a weak individual and therefore easy prey for a psychopath like Eric to bring in this horrible plan. The unspoken message (I interpreted) was that something was fundamentally wrong with Eric, probably from birth, his parents attitudes and emotions/reactions were always a bit off and didn't help the situation, and when he entered a rough period, being arrested, it became a catalyst for him, while Dylan was probably depressed and a follower. (NO excuses for what they did--just a theory on them)
Both Columbine murderers have older brothers, I believe, just a few years older, and both are relatively well adjusted, married, normal guys, although one *may* have had a drug problem previously, cannot remember. Certainly not mass murderers, raised in the same household.
Someone above mentioned that when kids do poorly, parents want to pass the buck, but when a kid achieves, they want the credit. I find that different than my experiences. My parents never considered my achievements a product of their raising. I have a way I was raised and it did mold me, but it also cannot change some fundamental aspects of my personality that was born into me. I think your home life can alter the way you behave, but not often how you truly feel. It can guide a normal person normally, but not a person with a disorder that affects their whole personality. Good parenting can raise your grades but not the level of ability you were born with. I see the same thing with sociopaths/psychopaths---very little short of DRASTIC intervention at the first sign of problems at a very young age (probably toddler or preschooler) can be done.
Mental illness is not always apparent to those interacting with the person. As has been mentioned many times on these boards (it kind of affects everything in my life, obviously, so I do bring it up a lot and I apologize for that), my husband took his own life completely unexpectedly in April.
You would never, ever, ever have seen it coming, not up until the day he died--he was the nicest, sweetest man I've ever met (hence why I married him). He never even once yelled at me; I'm not saying that with rose-colored glasses on, he seriously never lost his cool or even got a tiny bit mad in the 8 years we dated and the 17 years I've known him (since middle school). So you are not alone in that shock. People hide it well, some people have psychotic breaks, and it's sometimes the ones you never saw it coming that complete suicide versus attempt.
I think something to remember is (my opinion): it was *not* about the text messaging. Not really.
It's a perfect storm of issues and mental illness. The CAUSE is not the catalyst. The catalyst is the straw that broke the camel's back, and if it wasn't the texting, it could have been a dirty dish in the sink or getting a flat tire on the highway or a holiday coming up or someone getting smart with you at work. It isn't a cause--it's just the last little thing.
The cause is: your whole life and your mental illness combined with this usually stressful but could be happy/exciting period of time in your life for whatever reason. A perfect terrible storm of things that comes together in one way that, if it only came together in a different way, might never have resulted in suicide.
It hurts so much to be questioned by police, even kindly, about "What happened between you two yesterday? What set him off?" as though you did something even inadvertently. I still don't know my husband's catalyst. I know the overall causes in his life, vaguely, due to his note he left, but I have no idea what made him decide he was doing this now. When he wrote the note (in advance we believe due to references in it), it doesn't appear the catalyst had happened yet. We had no fights, no disagreements, no troubling issues come up---our life was better than it had ever been, actually---we had celebrated an anniversary, went to Disney recently, had the best Valentine's day in a long time right before, and it was a slow month at work, less stress, so more time to spend together. The day he died, we watched funny movies all day and I started cooking a big dinner--it was so calm and relaxing and I replay it in my mind a hundred times of what I did or said, even innocuously, that could have triggered this in his mind.
Was it reminding him we had to do laundry? Was his life feeling mundane? Was it asking him to call if he was going to be late from work that night? Was that nagging? Was it asking him to go for a hike earlier rather than watch movies (if he wanted) and he just felt so depressed he didn't want to go? Was it us talking about a doctor's appt he was making with his primary because he felt down and tired? Like the fear of telling someone he felt depressed or someone finding out?
I'll never know. That's what's hard about suicide--you will never have the answers.
My husband didn't harm me like your friend did his wife, but I often think about that. He didn't have the means and I have no reason to believe he would have hurt me, but some people with some types mental illness can be unpredictable (depending on treatment and of course it varies by individual) that I can't say for 100% certainty how he would have acted. It's truly so horrible.
I think David Bach's Smart Couples Finish Rich actually recommends this? It talks about putting your minor children on your payroll doing some general chores and then doing the IRA for them. I have no idea the legality---couldn't they be possible doing some consulting or something and get paid that way?
But if AL's mom knew he was in trouble and, although she didn't ever anticipate this magnitude, what could she have done?
Search his stuff to see if he was preparing to do something? Yes, but he was a 20 year old kid, and he didn't have bombs, etc, laying around his room the way the Columbine killers had suspicious notes and items in their homes. He apparently left no notes, so mom couldn't have read his diary, etc. (Only goingon what media has reported thus far) He probably had stuff on his computer, but he was good with computers, so I doubt there was a folder or something easily readable. He also was home all the time, no job, no friends, so when could she have gone through his stuff?
I DO question how he got so much ammo. Where did he buy it? Where did he get the money? He didn't work, I don't believe. So that I would like to know if it was being shipped to the house and how come NL didn't see it or even gave the kid access to money of any kind.
She could and should have gotten rid of the weapons--that much I agree with, especially if her son had threatened suicide or violence before. For the record, my late husband and I had no weapons in our home and he did still take his own life and took what I consider to be a lot of work to do so. So possibly AL could have still gotten his hand on guns, though not as easily...could have used the Internet, an acquaintance, broke into a home to get access to weapons, or possible his brother's ID (what ever came of that rumor that he had that on him? Possibly to try to use to buy a weapon?) Maybe he would have built a bomb, as it is my understanding that ordinary things can be used to make explosives, sadly, and they always say it's on the Internet or in books in the library for anyone to read.
Secured her weapons better? Yes, absolutely. I know nothing about gun safes, etc, but can't you be forced to open one at knifepoint yourself? This kid was clearly intelligent and knew how to get it open.
Not taking him to the shooting range? I agree with that--if that happened recently, when his mental state was deteriorating. But it could have been years ago when he was just a quiet, weird kid and not as symptomatic.
Could she have committed him? I think she was trying, reports are saying. It's hard when the person is over 18.
Could she have called the police on him? It appears the police may have been called out a few times to their home, but not much is known about that. Obviously nothing was really done since AL had no criminal record. I think there has to be a specific credible threat and not just "My son is weird and quiet and has a mental disorder and I'm scared." They won't act on that if he's not a danger to himself or others then.
Leaving him alone? I heard that---but I also heard she may have been looking at institutional care for him. I don't know how that goes--I'd imagine you have to go and check those places out first, and I don't know if you can bring the person with mental illness with you or could she even get him out of the house? Who should she have called to babysit him? Sounds like most people also didn't want to be around him, frankly. And he's an adult. Should she never, ever have left him alone? What about doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, seeing relatives, seeing her other son?
It must have been exhausting caring for someone you have raised to adulthood with major mental illness when you have no experience or training in that. The keeping a constant watch would wear you out---heck, he could have gotten into the weapons or something while she was using the bathroom or showering if he wanted to so badly.
It seems to me like he may have gotten into the guns while she slept from the reports. Is she supposed to have round the clock care there for him? How and who would take on that job?
It is a terrible tragedy and what's so scary about it is, your hands are so tied when someone's mentally ill. I'm not saying NL is parent of the year (or the child's father either). I'm sure she made mistakes. I'm sure we all would make mistakes in dealing with someone like this, a person that you raised that became, frankly, a monster.
We always hear in hindsight how "clearly ill" people were. We have ZERO idea what mental issues he struggled with, what the diagnosis were, when the onset of those issues started, how much was blamed on Aspergers. We don't know how the guns were stored. Yet without all of this info, people want to place more blame a woman shot 4 times in the face by her own son, than they do the son who not only did this but then massacred 20 children and 6 other adults. There are a ton of leaps made here with no real facts.
I agree. It really sickens me to see people rush to blame his mother. Especially when we don't know much. It's gross.
Because of events in my life (my husband took his own life this past spring), I am VERY sensitive to ppl blaming others for the actions of the mentally ill. I hate when people say "the system failed him" or "his family failed him" or "his home life messed him up."
In my eyes, you are an adult. You need to be responsible for getting your own care. You need to be an active participant in that treatment.
Do issues emerge in childhood? Yes, and you have a responsibility to have your child treated, just as you would with any other disease. From all accounts I have read, Nancy was trying to get him treatment and exploring in-patient programs, but he was an adult.
Do we blame people if their spouse/adult child dies of cancer, especially if it is found late? Well, they should have been more in tune with what was going on, more responsive to the family member's concerns/symptoms. They should have pushed harder for medical care, right?
I realize I'm very sensitive because of my own personal situation, but some ppl with mental illness hide it unbelievable well, and even when they don't, there is very, very little you can do for an adult.
My husband completely hid his mental illness. I never believed it before when I'd see stuff on TV about someone committing suicide or doing some other terrible act---I'd always think "yeah, well, there were signs and you would know--I would have done X, Y, and Z to prevent this."
But I'm living proof that there is sometimes very little warning or things can be totally unpredictable with ppl--you never think someone you love is capable of something so terrible.
Lanza's older brother seems to be a productive member of society and he was raised by the same parents...so I am not going to blame the parents/the victim for Adam's behavior as he is an adult.
Sorry for the overshare, just wanted to put my two cents' worth in.
Since you are fairly reliant on him for income, please yes do get life insurance (I speak as someone that had a DH with very high earning potential while I myself came in broke and didn't earn much money). I would also consider getting married as well since finances are so co-mingled.
I think you (alone) could afford by to $500 for rent/utilities. So I would look for apartments at or under $1k. I hope you find a great place!
ETA: Would you and your sister consider a 3rd roommate? I'm not sure what the market is like around you, but it might be an option if you are finding nice 3 bedrooms and could take in another young professional.
We would definitely consider a third! But we're mainly finding 2BR for $1100-1200 and not many 3 bedrooms. The nicer parts of town where the younger ppl want to live (Mt Washington, South Side Flats, Shadyside, Sq Hill, Lofts by Consol/Strip District) are very, very far above our budget.
But in the future, if we found someone, absolutely!
Could you do budget billing for the natural gas? I live in MN (ie cold!) and we only pay ~$40 a month in the winter for gas because we don't use anything in the summer but still pay ~$40. It's LCOL but it may not be too much more for you? I have no idea, I've always lived in a LCOL area.
I'm not sure how much it is anymore...when I was in college, 2006, we had electric heat. We kept the house bitterly cold and our electric bill would *still* be $150-200 month. It sucked. I've always felt heat was really expensive.
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says average Equitable Gas bill (that's the gas company in most neighborhoods I'm looking at) is $82.64.
Kwynn, I can see feeling that way - but if you invest it, it can grow until you're ready to utilize it (be it for your business, travel, a home, whatever). You could also use the proceeds to fund a Roth annually, etc.
Yes, I do plan for it to be my retirement savings. I can't save for retirement on my income, so I want to rely on my investments for that.
When you guys say $800, that's $800 total right, so me and the roomie would each pay $400 plus utilities? I think everything from $350-800 has been suggested and I'm thinking that's looking at a place of $700-1000 or so total if my sister and I split it 50/50.
That's right in the range I'm looking for---I really don't want to go higher than $1000 total, but it's been a challenge.
Some of you seem to know the area well. I really don't want to go into Norwin/Westmoreland/Irwin because it's way cheaper but gives me a long commute, avoids the ability to have clients meet in my home, and it's far from my sister's workplace.
I think Penn Hills, Monroeville, Murrysville, White Oak, Forest Hills, Churchill, Edgewood, Plum, etc would all be perfect. I just am not having any luck in my budget.
pitterwoo, my friend lives in a 'hood in Plum where townhouses are going for my budget each month, but it's my understanding that Plum is huge and certain parts of it are really far out and certain parts are close? Any opinion on that? I don't know Plum well at all.
cookiemonster, I see what you are saying about the life insurance. I honestly have no desire to do anything fun--maybe in a few years I'll feel better. It's hard-the person I loved to travel with is gone so I just don't care anymore about that.
peggy, I'd love your opinions about Brandywine. They own three apartment buildings I'm looking at and one I thought was a little overpriced?
I felt like $800 would be good too...but man, pickings are slim in that range. I feel like it's changed a lot since I last rented in 2007, when I had a 2/2 for $725 and included water! I also run my business from my home, so there has to be a base level of presentability (I would at least like it to if possible but realize that might be wishful thinking).
Hmm. Walnut Capital might be worth calling. They have a bunch of apartments around Shadyside, Squirrel Hill, etc., and I think they manage some places like homes that have been converted into apartments.
Greenbriar Village Apts were good for us, but they were a bit older, so might not be what you're looking for.
You can always do a lot of your meet & greets at coffee shops (Coffee Tree Roasters, yum) if you need to. Our photogs lived north of the city & so rarely met people at their homes, so I don't think it's unheard of.
Even further from the city in the east would be better since my sister's job is further out, anywhere in the East would be great...like up to 20 miles from the city in the east.
Right now, I do my meet and greets in coffee shops and Panera, but lately it's been super busy and unruly in Panera and I'd like a little more calmness.
I would try to keep it a bit lower until you see how things go in the new place.
You're from Pittsburgh, right? Is that where you're moving back to? You can definitely find something decent, but not new, in the $800 range there.
I felt like $800 would be good too...but man, pickings are slim in that range. I feel like it's changed a lot since I last rented in 2007, when I had a 2/2 for $725 and included water! I also run my business from my home, so there has to be a base level of presentability (I would at least like it to if possible but realize that might be wishful thinking).
How about Roth IRA's for each of you? That would be a good thing to have.
You have 5k saved, but you make $3300 a month, so you have less than 2 months of savings. I would beef that up and at more than $300/month. It will take you 6 years at that rate to save just 6 months of expenses.
If you save at your current rate for a house, in 3 years, you will have 18k. How much are homes in your area? Would that be enough for a good downpayment? Too high, too low? If you wanted to stay at 20% down payment (traditional style), the house would be in the 90k range, and for your income, that would seem like a good buy.
Great job being debt-free!
I think you could consolidate the following into one lower budget category: Entertainment, Fun, Work, Eating Out
Your DH, at $275 with Fun/Work, over 12 months is actually eating (pun intended) a whole month of income. Maybe that would help him compromise.
ETA: Would your DH at least consider bringing his drinks from home? So he can hit up the dollar menu or something and save $2/day on a Coke. So now he's saving $60 or so a month off Work snacks.
I'm so sorry, kwynn. I would be most comfortable keeping rent and utilities under $700 based on what you've written.
I am glad you decided to try to collect on your husband's life insurance and I really hope you receive the proceeds. I'm sorry that you feel negatively about that aspect of this and hope that you can make peace with it.
Thanks so much for your advice.
Would that be $700 for me and my roommate or $700 total for me and the roommate?
$700+utilities was originally my budget for both myself and the roommate (like we'd each pay $350 and then probably another $150 each in utilities) but that's proving to be hard.
I pay $670 myself right now plus utilities of around $200 but that's total ($870 coming out a month), no roommate. And it's a squeeze, so I was hoping to get it lower, like rent a place that's $800, we'd each pay $400, plus $150 or so each in utilities, which would actually *save* me $200/month and the place would be a little nicer.
But everything I like is $1200+ utilities and you have to do all lawn care and snow removal and many of those places didn't have all the appliances, like I'd have to buy a fridge or washer, so that gets pricey
You all know my situation in that I was widowed and my income is obviously drastically, drastically lower, 1/10th of what we previously earned. I do not know yet if I will get life insurance (I do not want it and it makes me feel sick to even file for it, but recently applied at the urging of this board---but still I want to stand on my own two feet and not touch it if at all possible). I decided not to make any major changes for a year following my husband's death, so I am moving in April at the one year mark to be near our families even though I loved living here and will be sad to leave.
If you made $2000/month, had no debt, and did not need to save for retirement out of this, how much rent would you feel comfortable with? Is that with or without utilities?
I'm trying to keep my budget based on a 24k/year income as I am 100% commission-based. You know I know how to stretch a dollar.
I realize this is ridiculous low compared to most of you ladies. I'm doing what I can--I moved cross-country to support my husband's job and I was the trailing spouse, so I did not have great earning power. It's been a major life change and I need to do the best I can.
I'm planning to save money by having a roommate (my sister), not having cable TV, no data on cell, no home phone, no car--I can borrow one short-term as I work from home and will have lots of family in the area, including one with an extra car I can borrow.
I also wanted to update and tell you ladies I am in the process of dropping my COBRA and getting an individual health plan which will save me $300/month. I could have gotten a lower plan but the one I got (I'm waiting for approval) but I got some mental health coverage, so that's good. I am thankful for all the advice here that helped me get on the right track with that.
I originally had an amount budgeted for rent and have raised it up twice but am not finding anything near my roommate's job in that range at all that's decent. Just wondering if I need to rethink things...
ETA: These are my *current* expenses...they could change when I move and I've noted some categories. This is a fast ballpark budget.
Current rent: $670/month (no roommates right now) Electric: $60/month on average Water: Included right now in rent (may not be in new apartment) Sewage/Trash: Included now in rent (may not be in new apartment) Natural gas: Don't have right now (may have in new place and can be $150+ in northeast for winter) Internet: $47.12/month Phone: $10/month Gas for car: $55/month (Work from home) Groceries: $200/month including all toiletries, cleaning products Travel (to include my travel to move, scout a place before I get there, parking at airport): $45/month Gifts and Clothing: $20/month Car maintenance and repair (it's old): $50 Eating out/Entertainment/Fun/Housekeeping/General as needed help (computer repair, a grocery delivery once, parking, some needed items like printer cartridges, random): $75 Health Insurance: $160/month (just reduced it from $450/month and Rxs and copays will stay the same as they were) Dental: $40/month Copays/Prescriptions: $170/month Car insurance: $75/month Renter's insurance: $20/month Umbrella insurance: $24/month Savings for Emergencies or any little things that come up: $278.88
That's pretty spot on and as you can see, there's not a lot of wiggle room.
I see you are from Newtown and that you mentioned your wedding photographer's daughter passed in the shooting in a previous post. I'm a professional wedding photographer myself and I thinkour professional photographer community would like to support one of our own at this hard time. When I was suddenly widowed in April of this year, I experienced a huge outpouring from professional photographers, and I wanted to see about giving back.
If you are comfortable, could you PM me the person's website? I'd like to approach a few of the photography boards I'm on and see about organizing something if it isn't already in progress.
If you aren't comfortable or feel this request is inappropriate, please feel free to ignore me. Just a thought I had about giving back to another photographer after I was so blessed by their help earlier this year.
No judging and I know that heartbroken feeling. We had to rehome our beloved dog of almost 9 years in November. He bit our 1 year old in the forehead requiring 2 stitches. It was over a piece of food that I dropped. They both went for it. The whole thing was terrible. I had literally saved this dog from death (he was in the middle of being euthanized at the shelter when we showed to adopt him) and he was very important to us. I cried for days and felt so helpless and terrible for our poor son with the torn up head and for our family pet. Most people thought we should have him put down. Luckily, my parents, who dog sat him often, took him in. It is still weird not having him here.
It is a terrible, terrible situation to be in. My heart breaks for you. You did what was right, though. You really did.
OP's is not flameful, this one is. It sounds like it was a complete accident where you were not watching your child or the dog enough. The dog saw some food and went for it, your kids head was too close. Many dogs get excited around food. A total accident that would be unlikely to happen again if you were more vigilant. Did you try keeping them separated with baby gates? Did you try working with a trainer? Or did you just give the dog who was part of your family for 9 years to your parents the instant your baby got a scratch.
As a child who was bitten horribly by her dog at age nine, a dog who had *never* shown any signs at all, even once, sorry, this mom absolutely did the right thing.
My parents kept the dog. Imagine how that made me feel as I sat around with a reattached lip that had been torn off. They kept him because they didn't know what to do and I felt like crap they were choosing him over me. I was never comfortable again if the dog was in the same room.
You wouldn't allow a dangerous person in your household with your children, why would you allow a dangerous animal?
Stitches on a baby isn't a scratch.
In my area, CPS will investigate this now and animal control may take the dog if this happens. If it happened a second time, parents would be considered negligent and how could they live with themselves?
To this day, I have scars (it's been 20 years) and I'm afraid of dogs. I would NEVER mess around with safety and animals myself. Just saying.
A recent widow here too...I want to tell you one other thing that hasn't been mentioned:
Do NOT have the thing on your accounts where it has to text you a number to your phone to get access to your bank account.
Because, when your spouse goes missing or doesn't come home from work and you call the police, they will want you to log in and see if he's used his credit card, etc. And by missing, I mean car accident, abduction, accident/illness when he or she is out somewhere for the day...it took 14 hours for the police to finally notify me of my husband's death and he was only in the next town over.
Seriously, your spouse could pass on the way to work and, just due to the chaos, it might be 7pm before you are notified.
And then, if the phone was with your spouse when they died, it will go to the police/coroner/hospital with them and you may or may not get it back for days or weeks. This happened with me and I can think of many other situations where it could happen like a texting and driving accident that needs investigated, or it just gets misplaced from hospital to funeral home, or it flies out of the car on the side of the road, etc.
So yes, please please, do NOT put that texting thing on your accounts. It's annoying and has created so many headaches for me.
Thank you so much for that list-it gives me some ideas on what I can do for her without "bothering" her. She said she might want me to come over today and be with her-I told her to let me know-I don't want to just go barging in there if she doesn't want to see people or talk.
I'm still so very sad and heartbroken.
Thanks everyone for being so sweet to me.
You're a good friend. Does she have family with her?
The first 5-7 days are a blur. You get overwhelmed with two much help, and it isn't even help--it's ppl just hanging around and calling and wanting to know the details.
After the first week, there is no more help, and that's when you can best help her.
You can do a lot of things remotely for her if you don't want to feel you are barging in---her emails (I own a business so I had to have someone help me for awhile), handle all the phone calls that will be coming in, make travel arrangements for any out of town family, etc. She doesn't know what she needs right now--it's so, so hard.
Thanks guys. What do you do when this happens? I asked her if she needed me to come and she said she's still in shock and husband's parents were on their way over. She's trying to figure out how to tell the girls.
I don't want to constantly bother her by calling. I don't know what to do for her.
I am not a regular on this board, but I was lurking. I was very suddenly widowed in April at the age of 27. It's terrible and horrific. I am so sorry for your friend's loss.
Having been through this recently, I do have some suggestions on what to do for her if you want them. This is what I would have wanted (ppl didn't know what to do for me and I had to try to help them help me so that was hard) but every person is different, so these are just my suggestions:
What you can do following a death to help (especially for unexpected deaths):
1. Gather the names of good funeral homes, especially important if the widow is not from the area. Don't be afraid to ask her “What are you looking for?” as far as burial, cremation, location, transporting a body to her hometown, whatever. Gather the details, and then ask around for personal recommendations or provide yours. If the widow wants cremation, find out what places do on-site cremation for her, since this was difficult for me to find. When you have them, call and get basic prices and availability. Present it all to her on a typed piece of paper as soon as possible. Even getting on email can be too much right now, just hand it to her and say “I just wanted to offer some help.” If she uses it, great. If not, she might pass it along to someone else. Funeral cards need to be made, obituary needs written---there's so many tasks when someone passes.
2. Ask her “Do you have clothes to wear to the funeral?” If she wants to wear something she already has, ask her for a description of it, get it out, press it, get the shoes, etc. If she doesn't have anything appropriate or isn't sure or just feels like crap, ask her for her sizes. Go buy a bunch of stuff, a variety. Bring it to her house. Tell her you will take back whatever she decides she doesn't want and do it. I know this seems vain and silly, but how many of us really have appropriate funeral clothing in our closet? This goes double for new moms, women with weight changes recently, or any of us that don't work in an office. We already feel like total garbage—we will have to see everyone and their mom at the funeral home. We don't want to look like garbage. When you look better, you feel a little better. Same for the kids---get the clothes together, shoes shined, etc.
3. If she mentions anything like “It would be nice to have his favorite music at the funeral home, but oh well” or “I kind of want that pasta salad he liked for the luncheon after but I don't even know where to start,” do it for her. Or "It would be nice if Johnny could have a one of those t-shirt quilts made for him, but I just don't have time..." She's mentioning it to test the idea, because she feels helpless, because she can't possibly get everything done she wants. Just do it in some way and if it's not perfect, she will still appreciate it.
4. If you have access to his Facebook or a place online you can get photos from, even if they are lower-res than you'd like or on a blog or something, put some together in a book or make prints or a slideshow on a tablet or laptop and bring them to her on a display, all ready for the funeral home. You only have like two days to get things together and it's impossible to ready all the displays yourself. It's something you can do remotely, and it's really easy.
5. Ask if she wants to wear his wedding ring around her neck. If so, get a chain for it, bring the chain over to the house and put it on the chain. If you have any other ideas for something like this, ask and then do it, like print a photo and put it in a locket for her. If you have ticket stubs from a date night you all did together, frame them. If you have a specific memory (i.e. remember that one time we went to the fair and he got so sick on the roller coaster?) no matter how silly, write it down and give it to her. Memories start to fade so, so fast and it sucks.
6. Buy her a blank journal and a few smooth, nice writing pens for recording memories.
7. Hold off on the food for now. In a month, she will need it. She will have nothing. Bring it then.
General tip: As far as food, etc, try not to make bringing it more of a hassle than her just making the food. Don't bring it on a fancy plate that needs returned. In any gift/card/anything you do, write "Do not write me a thank you note." Don't call/text to see if she got your XYZ, she got it. She's just overwhelmed.
If you are making food, for example, don't call and say "What do you like? Chicken? Should I make soup? What time should I bring it? Oh, well, there's a dressing to the salad so i need to bring that by on Wednesday when you're home..."
Just say: "I made extra soup. I'm bringing it by today and will put it on your porch." Bring a cooler or whatever---just help them, try not to make more work for them by arranging times to meet to get the food and then another time to get the containers back and all---it's just too much right now.
If you are a take charge person, she needs that. Go to work. Do it---tell her "I will take care of you right now." Because the person that took care of us is gone.
8. Bill paying and general stuff---handle the practical NOW so you can later handle the emotional with her. Ask what bills are due now and get her log ins and pay them. Are you good at insurance? Get her some health insurance now if he carried it. Are you good at cleaning? Come clean the house. Have your husband change her oil, inflate her tires, cut her lawn, etc. or whatever he is good at. Use your own talents to help.