Do not say anything. Limit or entirely cut your in-laws out of facebook. They aren't your family and it seems as if you were not close and that they're toxic right now. You have no children so cutting ties shouldn't be that hard.
Possibly consider if your FB posts have been read in a way that you did not intend. I don't "do" facebook much but I don't generally see a lot of stories about loved ones that are dead on my feed except on milestone days (birthdays,annual memorial) so that might something to consider IF and ONLY IF you think you are doing this too much.
I will admit that I do/did post too much on FB in general. I work from home (as do most of my other friends in my field) and I enjoyed the convos we would have on there as a form of social interaction - like "Anyone have any good crockpot recipes?" and "XYZ Town neighbors, why did trash not get picked up today?"
I would share things about my DH on an especially sad day or if I saw something that really reminded me of him. Not too often, but maybe too often for some ppl. Maybe oversharing.
I actually, in the past 2 months, created a widow blog to put my feelings on to move from FB. I won't be writing in it now because I'm afraid they will find it and it isn't a "safe space" for me anymore.
This is awful, and I'm so very sorry. Please don't believe the horrible things that this woman has said to you. To take a small example (and I can DD if it's too much detail to keep up), your late husband probably did at some point say something negative but totally unimportant about you to his dad - we all do that kind of thing. It doesn't mean that there were underlying issues or that he thought that negative thing was always true, just that one a particular day he happened to be frustrated and made a comment. Don't let the twisting of a minor thing like that somehow make you doubt your memories of your relationship. Everything she's written is her problem, not something you've done.
As far as whether or not to respond, I don't think there's a right answer. Some people would need the say something like what you wrote at the end of your post. I probably would, although I think I would leave off the last sentence because I wouldn't really care about our relationship moving beyond it. But considering that she will almost certainly not change her mind and might continue to send you messages that could just keep upsetting you, it may be better to leave it and just never speak to her again.
Does your MIL know about this email?
Yes, my MIL does know about the email. She did not know what was going to be written in it. She claimed (to my sister - I have been unable to even talk about it) that some of the things were untrue or that "I don't know where M is getting that from" - I think she agreed with the email on a few points. She did say that my late DH would never have confided in his dad.
But I don't know if she did say those things and is now not telling the truth - saying you wished he married my sister is pretty darn specific. (And I believe part of that because they always said my sister and my BIL should get together in a joking way - again, they do not know each other well). Or maybe MIL said those things once in anger/grief and they made their way into Aunt's opinion.
I admire everything you've done over the last couple of years to move on and make a life for yourself. You may not want to hear this but maybe it is time to unfriend, or at least block, your H's family and move on. While I know some widows who have continuing relationships with their ILs, I'm not sure that is achievable here in a way that keeps you sane and healthy. MIL/FIL like to hear stories about their son on your FB. Aunt doesn't. You are never going to win with them and keep all of them happy. Just like you, they are grieving their son/nephew every day, and clearly they have warped that grief into an alternate reality with you as the bad guy. There is nothing you can say or do to unhear their comments and their version of the events. Time to move on and focus on yourself, your grief and your ability to move forward with your life. Time to stop caring what they think and how they perceive you. Take care of, and protect, yourself. GL!
I did block them. I think part of this is a generational thing - they told me they hated seeing photos of someone's baby on FB during our discussion and that "Why do they have to post that everyday? Save it for Grandma." I think the whole incident started because they are not very familiar with FB and that ppl share:
"just went for a run!" or "look at my daughter's school play!" or "just put in the new fireplace!" or whatever - they see that as boasting/bragging.
I think you should post the name an address so mm can post mean things on their fb pages.
Only halfway kidding.
I mean WTF.
Defriend and block these people. From FB and your life.
After the original FB message (I blocked the IL's from my page as soon as I saw it), several ppl did write on their FB pages things like "You are a C***" totally unsolicited because the original FB message was just that mean/rude/out of left field.
I live here again after a few years away (I moved back reluctantly after my husband's passing to be here near family) and you know what? I love Pittsburgh again after all.
It has changed. It is beautiful. We are friendly. We have more transplants coming in from other areas. Our houses are cheap.
What if the wife and husband were both home and they talked about the WashPo article? Then she Googled that night and he googled from work...that's totally possible.
I'd like to know how long ago these things were Googled, etc.
“During an interview with Justin, He stated that he recently researched, through the internet, child deaths inside vehicles and what temperature it needs to be for that to occur,” according to search warrants obtained by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “Justin stated that he was fearful that this could happen.”
My mom has it. She realized she had it when, after a routine foot surgery, she just was not recovering well at all. She spent 5 days in the hospital.
She likely had it for several years, but it really got serious after the foot surgery. She was vomiting and felt she was going to pass out in bed. She went to the hospital (my dad took her) and she is doing just fine now, ten years later.
But I have no doubt that, had she waited, she would have died. Heart rate very low, etc.
It took him TEN years to save 10k. Dude does NOT make a lot of money. I'd be so nervous and worried if I were 26 with only 10k in the bank. Assuming 10k is all he has, he BARELY has an emergency fund. His car dies and he's completely broke - I think he's being smart.
Team brother here. He got her a $15 Starbucks card and you said your mom deserves something nice. Well, that's great - you buy the nicer item and let him do his thing. The kid is living in a shared housing situation and spending $80/month on food - a $15 gift seems completely in line with that.
Hell, if it were my brother, I'd THANK him for doing his best and saving so much and, if he wanted, I'd continue to throw his name on the card. Heck, I'd probably feel bad when we had shared gifts - let's say the cost was $60 for the gift. Me and my sister, who have jobs, would likely only ask my own brother for $10. He doesn't make a lot of money. Not everything has to be even Steven all the time.
I don't know - I've had to MAJORLY cut back on gifts etc in the past two years since my husband died. We used to be able to be much more generous but now yes, I do keep my gift giving very cheap. I think we tend to "overgift" and I really don't even believe in holidays or think we need to give a gift to our siblings/parents for every Hallmark holiday AND their birthday AND Christmas.
Soo, team bro here.
ETA: Last year, I got my parents nothing for Mother's Day/Father's Day. This year I got cards. I will try to go over to their house to see them that day if I don't have to work. Two years ago, I didn't buy any Christmas presents. We don't go to restaurants for family events - we eat at home as none of us kids makes a lot of money. I don't celebrate anyone's birthday with a gift. This thread makes me feel bad - but there's just no way I could do all this keeping up with the Joneses, pricier gifts, and restaurant meals.
OP said he saved $10k in 3 years, right after college, not sure why you think it took him 10 years? That's pretty damn good if you ask me, especially in HCOL. LOL at being super nervous to only have $10k in the bank at 26, that is really great and totally respectable, IMO.
I don't care if he wants to not do gifts or celebrations, but IMO, that should then go both ways. It's pretty shady to let his mom buy his clothes and let other family members pay for dinners for him and buy him presents, but not reciprocate.
I saw that he had been working since he was 16 and he's 26 now - so in 10 years, he's saved 10k. I didn't realize that he had saved most of the 10k in 3 years. I still don't think that's great on savings assuming that's his only savings (no Roth, etc) - that just seems skirting pretty close to the line for someone in a HCOL area whose (presumably) on his own - aka not living with spouse or parents.
So let's say he is saving $3300 a year on average. That's $275/month. Considering the holidays:
Mom's Day Dad's Day Birthday for mom Birthday for dad Birthday for OP Birthday for sister Christmas
That's seven times a year there is a gift-giving - at $100/pop (dinner, gift, honoree's meal split 4 ways) - he's spending $700 a year. That's a huge chunk of his savings.
It took him TEN years to save 10k. Dude does NOT make a lot of money. I'd be so nervous and worried if I were 26 with only 10k in the bank. Assuming 10k is all he has, he BARELY has an emergency fund. His car dies and he's completely broke - I think he's being smart.
Team brother here. He got her a $15 Starbucks card and you said your mom deserves something nice. Well, that's great - you buy the nicer item and let him do his thing. The kid is living in a shared housing situation and spending $80/month on food - a $15 gift seems completely in line with that.
Hell, if it were my brother, I'd THANK him for doing his best and saving so much and, if he wanted, I'd continue to throw his name on the card. Heck, I'd probably feel bad when we had shared gifts - let's say the cost was $60 for the gift. Me and my sister, who have jobs, would likely only ask my own brother for $10. He doesn't make a lot of money. Not everything has to be even Steven all the time.
I don't know - I've had to MAJORLY cut back on gifts etc in the past two years since my husband died. We used to be able to be much more generous but now yes, I do keep my gift giving very cheap. I think we tend to "overgift" and I really don't even believe in holidays or think we need to give a gift to our siblings/parents for every Hallmark holiday AND their birthday AND Christmas.
Soo, team bro here.
ETA: Last year, I got my parents nothing for Mother's Day/Father's Day. This year I got cards. I will try to go over to their house to see them that day if I don't have to work. Two years ago, I didn't buy any Christmas presents. We don't go to restaurants for family events - we eat at home as none of us kids makes a lot of money. I don't celebrate anyone's birthday with a gift. This thread makes me feel bad - but there's just no way I could do all this keeping up with the Joneses, pricier gifts, and restaurant meals.
so far, I've only contacted her once, through fb pm.
A little back story - dh did this as a "side job". He is a tradesman, and a great one, but has been very lazy about getting his license. Since he is working under his boss's license, he doesn't want to put anything in writing. He does not have his own business and this is just an extra avenue of income. At the end of the day, it only cost him a 1/2 hour of his time.
If it doesn't work out in our favor, we're just going to have to chalk it up to a lesson learned; don't take checks! Thanks again for all the great info; I appreciate it!
The thing is, to the IRS, this IS a business. To the local government, it is a business. And when things go south on payment, etc, it is nice to be a legitimate business - so many more avenues open to you as far as payment. I wouldn't even sweat it one drop if a client bounced on me because I have a ton of options as a licensed biz.
Also, don't do business through FB - trust me, it just gets sticky. Email, phone, and letters only - someone contacts you through FB, you direct them to your business email. Someone bounces a check, you send a letter and an email with the info - FB is not a professional tool and too casual.
Thanks for the replies. I haven't heard from her yet via facebook pm. I grabbed her number from dh's cell this morning and am going to call her today. While she lives in our neighborhood, I don't know this woman from Adam. I told dh he is not to take checks from people he doesn't know anymore. Wouldn't her bank also charge her, btw? If so, chances are that she knows she bounced it. Ugh, this is just such a PITA. Of course, dh is doing nothing at all to track the money down and this is a hellish week at work.
That's part of running a business. I run a business and take checks from hundreds of people I don't know every year. Never had an issue.
If you set up a business bank account and keep a decent chunk in there, the bank is SO much more willing to work with you. I've had them attempt to run a check for me from a client I thought was maybe *right* on the edge of bouncing and they told me if it was okay or not before I did it!
I think maybe business accounts have more protection on bounced check fees - look into it.
Not sure where you are, but in ca you xan file a claim with the district attorneys office. They will pursue the bad check writer. You will get your money and she will most likely have to pay additional fees to the da as well as attend a diversion class. (If its her first offense). I had to do this once at work - it was a fairly quick process.
This seems a touch harsh to me - it's a neighbor. I'd personally try to just talk with the person and get cash and cash to cover the fee before using the court system. It just seems harsh to do this over a few bucks. I don't know - I own a business and I'd try to talk with the customer first. No one wants the reputation of "they turned me into the cops" as a business owner. Bank errors do happen.
Yes, young widow checking in here - it sucks. I was widowed very suddenly and unexpectedly at 27. I'm 29 now.
I am so sorry you are here but glad you found us small grouping of widows on here. I'm so sorry for your loss. What was your husband's name (or initial if you are more comfortable using his initial online)? What was he like?
My husband's name was Steve and he was incredibly smart and mature and funny and easygoing. What I miss most is how he was so kind - I have never met another person as great as him, ever.
It's very unfair to be widowed and it's very difficult. You are in my thoughts.
I can't speak to what's normal but most of my friends have a full gallery for you to see online that's unlocked, plus several more that they can give you the passwords to.
As a matter of fact, we dislike when couples *won't* allow their images to be shared with anyone as it really limits our ability to show our work and market ourselves.
I'd be happy to take a look at your choices, or, if you give me the area where you are having your wedding, I'd be happy to tell you who I'd use there - I spend all day, everyday looking at wedding photos
I did HI for two years, then Duo Interp for a year - went to states 2x, placed at states, went to Nationals in ATL in 2003 where we did Duo and then I also did Expository and did better than in my real, actual event.
Anyone else go to Nationals in ATL? I loved it - awesome memory from HS!
April I believe is the highest month for suicides. My husband also took his life in April so it is something I'm very alert to now. It's a terrible, horrible month and I wish we could skip it every year.
Hmm, good point - I figure they *are* income but I can't touch them yet?
What does your contract say? If it does say 'refundable' deposit, then it's not earned income yet until the wedding/service takes place, which is the next year, as it sounds like.
Also, are there insurance companies for your gear(s)? $35K is a lot to hold back to replace them. Transfer the risk somewhere and use that $35K for expense items like advertisements/marketing, instead of just keeping them as reserves. Or pay yourself more.
I agree with PP that it sounds like you're getting double-taxed re: employer/employee. That to me, is a big chunk right there. And incorporating also transfer the risk somewhere else. It's worth checking into.
Good luck! And congratulations on growing your business
Deposits (technically termed retainers) are NOT refundable or transferable unless I breach the contract. So if I would break both my arms, I'd likely need to refund. If a bride and groom get cold feet, no refund (according to my attorney that drew everything up).
I do have gear insurance. I would need to bridge the gap between losing the gear and getting the insurance check, which can take months. I do not have a high enough limit on any of my credit cards, nor all my credit cards combined, to tide me over. Also, my insurance probably wouldn't cover everything (every single memory card or battery) and when I bought my gear, I bought a lot used/looked around for years for the right deal. If I replaced, I'd have to replace everything outright new and that would be more. Knock on wood this never happens! Nightmares, I tell you...
I guess I need to get with a CPA and become an S-Corp.
Did you deduct business-related expenses for your car? Tax prep and attorney fees? Phone, internet? Education and training? Expenses you incurred if you did something charitable? For instance, if you photographed an event for a local charity, but had to drive 30 miles there and back, that is deductible. Meals and travel (half deductible)?
You can deduct a portion of landscaping services, if your home serves as an office, which yours does.
The wages and taxes you pay for an employee are deductions from your Schedule C income.
Yes to car, tax prep, and attorney fees Phone and internet - I didn't know this was possible - I think it is included in the home office deduction? My phone is only $10/month and partially personal.
Education and training, yes Charity expenses, yes (and I also gave charitably and did that on my personal return) Meals and travel - yes, this is one of my biggest categories!
I didn't have any landscaping for my home office because it was December when I opened it, but next year, yay!
I did all my employee and independent contractor wages too.
Now I understand why some ppl use up some money at the end of the year on gear, etc!
So what does the other $43K go towards then? Forgive if I am being basic here, but if you are reinvesting that into the company shouldn't there be some way to account for that as a business expense? Even if its scheduled property or something...
ETA: and I came up with $43K because I was thinking $68K - the $24K that you pay yourself (so I really meant $44K).
I keep that 44k ish just sitting in my account as a cushion. It also represents deposits for weddings that have not occurred yet, so I don't take the money out until I actually do the whole job because, heaven forbid something really bad happens to me - I feel I have to be able to refund those folks.
I also have to keep a huge cushion because of gear. Let's say my gear is all stolen or I get in a car accident with it or something - I do have insurance but in the mean time, I'd need to replace everything and that would be over 35k!
I've had lens repairs cost 1k. So I guess I just like to keep a big cushion, haha.
Because I'm a SP (and LLC), I believe it's "flow through" income. So it doesn't matter that I don't take it out - if I made it, I get taxed on it.
I think I'm going to have to change my tax structure.
Note - this is not a bragplaint, like oh, I make so much. That's not it at all. I do not make a lot of money - it's just that it seems like on paper that I do. It's not all mine/immediately available/put in my personal checking account.
Is your business incorporated? Incorporating helped me save a lot in taxes. I pay myself a small salary. The balance is paid as a distribution. I don't have to pay social security taxes (which as you know are extra high for the self employed) on the distribution portion.
Also, are you making sure to include all your business expenses?
I am an LLC and file as a sole proprietor. I never thought I would get to the point where I might need to do S-Corp. I have always made around 30kish or so over the past 5 years (and have always made around 30kish my entire life - that's my comfort zone, I guess).
I am going to talk to a professional this next year and see if they can set it up.
As far as expenses, I keep very, very good records - no "shoebox o' receipts" for me. I categorize everything. I'm just wondering if there's something I missed.
I deducted my health insurance premiums (but not my dental as I still have COBRA dental from my late DH's job and that's not allowed).
I deducted all my travel expenses, etc.
I *did* take a home office deduction which does raise risk of an audit. My office and meeting space is actually about 25% of my home, used exclusively for business (we literally do not go in there if we're not working)...but I only deducted 10% because I didn't want to red-flag for an audit. Also, I didn't move in until December, so I only got like $62 for my home office for last year. This next year will be better for that.
Hmmm...what else could I be forgetting?
The panic as I saw that "owed" number rising higher and higher and higher.
I do contribute to my Roth IRA fully and I have a traditional too, but I thought I couldn't do more than $5500 in ALL IRA's for the year.
I have toyed with doing a Simple IRA - my concern is, I think I'm doing "okay" for retirement due to my crappy life circumstances (I have my late DH's 401k, plus he did Roths aggressively for us since we were in college) - I have about 5x my income in retirement.
I feel like I need more money on a daily basis to live. And that sounds sickening to me to even say that. But I have some things I need more income for on a monthly basis - it's sometimes tight with my utility/property tax bills, I'd like to be able to pay a part-time employee to ease my work stress, I'd like to be able to get a little household help during the busy season - like pay a grass cutter or to have my driveway plowed, and to be able to get a phone with email/web on it. All huge FWP and not a big deal - but something I'd like more cash flow for!
Last year, the first year filing after my husband passed in 2012, I owed 10k. This was because they did not take out tax of his final check with his vacation payout, etc. I understood that. Also, we were taking out taxes from his checks to cover both his salary's taxes and my business, so I knew I would owe some.
So last year, total tax, was 14k on about 60k worth of income. I paid quarterly estimates this year to try to make sure I didn't owe again. I thought I was maybe even going to get a refund (haha, very naive).
This year, I made about 68k. I owe another 10k. 10k. Is it reasonable/possible that someone who makes 68k (and I use this term loosely - I'm self-employed and therefore I actually only pay myself 24k a year - the rest is reinvested in the business - I "get" about 2k a month to live from) could be paying 25k in federal taxes?
I am widowed, no kids, no mortgage, no nothing. It just seems high.
And I am bummed that, even though my income only went up 8k, I owe 10k more. I need to adjust my estimated payments so I don't owe next year!
Okay, just a vent - I do my own taxes and maybe I messed up somewhere?
Would this be a labor and employment attorney? Or would this be a small business attorney? I have a local attorney who did my LLC filing, reviews my contracts, but he doesn't do employment law he said.