Why has no one mentioned just talking to the neighbors? Leaving a note?
I'm old-fashioned, but I think I'd just say, mom to mom "Sally, your daughter is so adorable! I'm not sure if you know...but you can get a ticket for not having your kid in a car seat and they are really strict around here - it's so awkward to bring this up, but one day, I think you forgot to put her in. My friend was in a bad accident and the car seat totally saved her kids! I'm expecting my second baby and wanted to know if you have a good infant seat recommendation?"
Update: We just talked for like an hour. I know I am a very difficult and exacting person to live with. I get that that is stressful.
I also get that her working for me on every single weekend is starting to wear on her - we live together, she works for me - and she has a regular 9-5. It's just hard.
Family is tough sometimes. The industry we're in is tough sometimes and the schedule is tough.
We will get through it.
I have agreed I will let shit go or I have her permission to move it myself after a few days. She admits she doesn't "see" all the messes I see and that she forgot while doing the laundry and went on to do the sweeping, just like some ppl here said they do. She forgets to finish stuff.
So I am just going to do all the time-sensitive stuff (trash, snow shovel) and leave her the less time-sensitive stuff - bathrooms I don't care when they get cleaned, etc.
I don't want to give up on living together over chores. It probably isn't really about the chores - it's about our lives and how things aren't as either of us hoped or expected and it is the hardest time of year for the business.
She is a very good person and an excellent decorator for this house I bought and incredibly hard worker for my company who has made my work 10x better. I'm not making excuses for her - just that I know I've become increasingly controlling and can't trust anyone to do anything, probably a manifestation of something going on within me since my husband died. Because that shit screwed me up and took away my carefree attitude and has thrown me for a loop.
We're both going to try to do better. I am going to try to let shit go. And I'm raising her pay at my company so she feels more appreciate and therefore can pay me rent.
I talked to her about making a chore chart and she is agreeing to that. I in turn am not going to wash my towels all together anymore.
Now here's the thing - what kind of penalty would you put on each person if they don't do the chore? I'm thinking $2 for every chore skipped, put towards cleaning lady? I know there has to be an incentive or we will skip doing stuff we don't want to do.
Sorry, but I think the chore chart might perpetuate your issues. It is still you taking charge and giving assignments and I suspect that you sister has an issue with this and it causes tension.
What is her reason for living with you? Can she afford to live on her own?
Like PP, I think you shouldn't live together, but if you are insistent, then you should address rent first. In addressing chores it would probably be more successful to address one at the time and find solutions that work best for both of you. Like in the laundry room designating a place that her clothes can remain down there. And agreeing that if the dryer is done then either of you can move the clothes in it to a laundry basket.
She probably can't afford to live on her own. She'd probably move back to my mom and dad's - and admittedly, she didn't have chores there. She went from living with them to living with me.
I told her to pick what chores she wanted to do and she said vacuuming and bathrooms, so I'm not dictating it to her.
Last winter, we got in a lot of fights about shoveling. She let the ice build up so badly that we couldn't get the car in the driveway and I was shoveling outside at midnight while she went in and went to bed (I had to work at 7am the next day) - we BOTH were being lazy with the shoveling and the ice build up was really bad - I started making myself pay $10 every time I missed a shoveling so I would have money to pay a neighbor kid to do it - if I don't put a penalty on myself (I will say "no internet until dinner is cooked" or "no going to sleep until clothing is ironed") then I won't do my chores either.
I talked to her about making a chore chart and she is agreeing to that. I in turn am not going to wash my towels all together anymore.
Now here's the thing - what kind of penalty would you put on each person if they don't do the chore? I'm thinking $2 for every chore skipped, put towards cleaning lady? I know there has to be an incentive or we will skip doing stuff we don't want to do.
We do have a cleaning lady I hired and paid for - I wonder if I could solve this problem by increasing her to every week/every other week and asking her to strip beds, do laundry, put stuff away, polish woodwork. That might help. (I know she will not like the cleaning lady touching her stuff but general chores)
Wait, wait. ::Record scratch sound:: You have a cleaning lady and you are still having these issues?
This (plus the term "polish woodwork") makes me think your standards for cleaning are very different than mine. And probably than your sister's.
The cleaning lady comes once a month and does bathrooms, kitchens, floors, etc - but I still feel like the microwave needs to not have splatter, trash still needs to go out, recycling out, dishwasher, laundry, keeping surfaces generally clean, wipe floors, water plants - just daily stuff, I guess.
I do shine the floors up - soft wood floor and a dog lead to a lot of scratches.
OMG I would be fighting the urge to murder my roommate. I could NOT live with a vacuum being out for any period of time when not in use or with laundry piling up in the laundry room.
Are there any chores that your sister does well? Can you allocate household work based on her strengths rather than trying to keep everything fair/equal? Since this is your sister and you don't seem to want to alter your living situation, I'd be looking for some solution that results in keeping my home clean to my standards but also keeps the peace.
When she finishes stuff, she does do it well.
She does vacuum and that is her chore (I never ask her to do this - she does it fairly often on her own and I will occasionally fill it in by vacuuming myself too). She also can load and unload a dishwasher well. If I'm really being truthful, I think those are the only 2 chores I have ever seen her do and finish. She also does the snow shoveling well - but we tend to have disagreements over whose turn it is and how often that needs done too.
She does like to do yard work, but I prefer she not do it because it creates a bigger headache for me - she will talk about ripping all the rocks out of an area but won't have a plan for getting rid of them, it will sit half finished for weeks, she tore out half the mulch the day my friend from out of town was coming and didn't budget enough time to finish, etc. So I don't really want any intensive yard projects done, admittedly.
Your roommate sounds just like my H and I really do suspect that he has ADHD. We were arguing about this exact thing when getting ready for my son's birthday party this weekend. All I wanted to do was vacuum and my H had piles everywhere because he was "organizing", except at this point, he was cleaning the toilet and was getting ready to move on to laundry. I'm trying to learn to just let it go. He'll finish it eventually, I just need to wait it out. It's frustrating, and yes we do still argue about it sometimes, but I know that I need to learn that this is just who he is, and after my first marriage, I'm grateful just to have someone who helps around the house.
Will he actually finish it? I think I would be more understanding if I knew she really would finish it in 2 or so days. I have tried as an experiment and made it eight days (only reminding/nagging once) before I finally caved and put away a box of hers that sat on the ground at the top of the stairs.
I really believe, truthfully, that some things could go months.
You've been complaining about each other since you moved in together. You both sound kind of difficult to live with, and very incompatible.
Why doesn't she pay rent or utilities?
At first, she said the house wasn't done enough - and I admit that it wasn't - things weren't unpacked for several months, we didn't have a usable living room or dining room table/place to eat, etc. She said she'd start paying when it was finished and she wasn't confined to just her one bedroom. It is now finished but I haven't brought the subject back up again. I don't like to be alone so I was okay just having someone live here and chip in with work.
I feel like I can't talk to her sometimes or have a reasonable discussion. It always ends with yelling. I dread having to say "Hey, can I take your clothes out of the dryer to use it?" because sometimes it is fine, sometimes I get a big huff and attitude and yelling. So I say nothing and just silently seethe, then that builds up, then I try to get beyond it, then I finally say something when I am in the midst of a stressful work week and step over the same pile of clutter for the 10th time.
I also think my feelings get hurt - she will say "You are so freaking nasty and gross - I never see you pick up the vacuum" or "I told you I won't wash towels because of how gross and disgusting you are and I don't know where they have been" versus the way I try to approach it "I don't feel you do enough chores."
I am sad because she is furious at me today and gave me the silent treatment and stormed out after overfilling the recycling bin this morning, so I was taking recycling down. She then called me crying because I complained to our mom via text and she read it - and now my mom said I shouldn't have written that text because my sister took her phone and read it. And I just feel bad - I can't express things, I can't ask for help - so I just have to deal with it.
This isn't what I wanted for my life - to be thirty years old and arguing over chores with my sister. I admit that I struggle with depression and can barely take care of myself some days, so I don't want the responsibility of taking care of another person.
Since it is bothering you so much, it sounds like you may need to reconsider your living arrangement. I'd hate to ruin a relationship with someone as close as my sister over disagreements about vacuuming.
In the meantime... can you pick maybe two things that are big issues with you (and ask her to identify some too) and then each try to put forth some extra effort on those things, and let the rest go? (In my house my husband hates clutter on our kitchen island, but it doesn't bother me as much, but I still try to keep it contained to keep the peace. Meanwhile I want the bed made and he could care less about that, but we get it made each day.)
My big things would be not leaving items laying around (put things back where they go) and splitting the recycling/garbage duties.
I guess my other thing would be either don't go to bed until the chore is done or don't start something you know you won't have time to finish.
Non-snarky question, but why do you seem to make all the rules? If you are going to be roommates that can actually live together in harmony, the balance of power needs to be evened out a bit.
I think you should both sit down, with a bottle of wine, and discuss. Take each of the hot buttons, and dissect them a bit to see if you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.
As an example, I consider vacuuming "done" when I have vacuumed all the main living areas. My idea of vacuuming does NOT include doing anything with the filter (which gets done maybe every other/every third time?). If I don't get to an area that is not used very often (therefore probably not in much need), I am cool with that. And I keep a pretty neat house. If someone, anyone, were to tell me I am doing it "wrong", I am not sure how keen on vacuuming I'd be in the future. KWIM?
As for laundry, while I mush everything together like you, I hate putting it away and tend to procrastinate that part for days as well. Can she have a bin IN the laundry room that allows her to keep her stuff in there but also looks neat and tidy? I think the key is to discuss it, not for any one person to lay down the law.
I make the rules because it is my house and she doesn't pay any rent.
I also feel like, when we have come to an agreement about something, she constantly goes back on it - like we agreed no clothes in laundry room, yet her clothes are in there daily because she "hasn't gotten to it yet."
We agreed we would take turns making dinner - she skipped her turn several times and would frequently start making food at 9:30 at night, leaving me hungry and having to cook every night anyway or go find something to eat. So then I took over the cooking.
She was supposed to make arrangements with the lawn care guy - yet he comes and knocks on the door repeatedly while I am home and she is not to get the money or chitchat - and I just feel like it's not my job.
I guess I feel like, if she had to do 50% of the daily chores, I would have more free time and be able to do things I would like to do as well instead of just working and housework.
Oh and in her defense, she absolutely hates the way I do some chores and is disgusted by me. [brsee]I throw all towels (except bathtowels) in the wash together.
So I will throw a cleaning rag and a dish towel in together, hot water, detergent, Oxyclean. I have to or I will literally never get a full load.
I do NOT do this when the item is very heavily soiled - like dog vomit or motor oil or something.
I also have some towels I use interchangeably for the kitchen or for cleaning which is gross, I get that.
I just am too lazy to remember and have a separate stack of towels for say "bathroom cleaning" only versus "kitchen cleaning" or "stove wiping"." I feel like if it's been washed and cleaned in hot water with soap, it is okay. I'm not wiping a toilet seat and then taking that wet rag and wiping the table. But it's possible that rag could be washed and used the next week on the table, yes. She feels it should be separate towels at all times - not even in the same hamper while waiting to be washed.
I also will wash a bathtowel and a sheet together or something.
maybe it would help if you looked at her as your teammate instead of the opposition it would help? Like does she do things to help you that aren't her job? Or maybe she could do more chores but you would be responsible for finfinishing them to your satisfaction.
At the end of the day though you need to compromise. You said about yourself that you are "too lazy to remember" some things. Well so is she. And what would it take for you to stop being so lazy?
There is nothing wrong with leaving clothes in the laundry room or stuff around the house. You simply don't like it. And no matter what your sister verbally agreed to she is showing you what she is capable of. You need to deal with reality and come to a compromise.
She doesn't do extra work to help me that I can think of - every once in awhile, I will notice the kitchen trash has been taken to the garage or the plants have been watered, - she also doesn't pay rent or utilities. She does work weekends for my company, which I know is difficult and very time-consuming. I would be in favor of me just finishing things - but sometimes I get a huff and an eyeroll if I ask her to even start things. She won't do a chore chart.
I guess I feel resentful when she gets home from her 9-5 and I still have 4+ hours of work that night, then she takes her dog to the dog park, hits the gym, and then goes to bed while I feel I don't have time to do those kinds of fun things and am silently stewing while I get a meal cooked, drag trash to the curb, etc. I am sure she feels the same way though when she leaves for work and I can sleep in.
We do have a cleaning lady I hired and paid for - I wonder if I could solve this problem by increasing her to every week/every other week and asking her to strip beds, do laundry, put stuff away, polish woodwork. That might help. (I know she will not like the cleaning lady touching her stuff but general chores)
About the towels - I should change this. I guess I just feel like hey, I'm the only one that washes towels - I'm also the only one that uses towels or rags to clean - so why make more work for myself when I know I am the only person going to be washing/using/cleaning. When we first moved in, I did keep all the towels separate by her request - she was supposed to wash them. She never did one load - they piled up over the container and onto the shelf. She said she never even noticed them and had no idea how they were getting washed and put away. At that point, I just took that chore back over.
Oh and in her defense, she absolutely hates the way I do some chores and is disgusted by me.
I throw all towels (except bathtowels) in the wash together.
So I will throw a cleaning rag and a dish towel in together, hot water, detergent, Oxyclean. I have to or I will literally never get a full load.
I do NOT do this when the item is very heavily soiled - like dog vomit or motor oil or something.
I also have some towels I use interchangeably for the kitchen or for cleaning which is gross, I get that.
I just am too lazy to remember and have a separate stack of towels for say "bathroom cleaning" only versus "kitchen cleaning" or "stove wiping"." I feel like if it's been washed and cleaned in hot water with soap, it is okay. I'm not wiping a toilet seat and then taking that wet rag and wiping the table. But it's possible that rag could be washed and used the next week on the table, yes. She feels it should be separate towels at all times - not even in the same hamper while waiting to be washed.
I also will wash a bathtowel and a sheet together or something.
I don't have any advice but I just googled "calling a vacuum a sweeper" because I had never heard that before.
I think I may have seen this on Mad Men, before.
My husband is like this, but he doesn't even recognize that he didn't finish, which is even worse *sigh*.
She doesn't realize it either.
Me: "Hey, are you done with the vacuum? I'll take it downstairs - it's been sitting there for three days."
Her: "Oh, yep, I'm done....I just didn't do the office but I will."
Me: "Hey, I noticed the sweeper filter is still hanging in the laundry room? I will put it back."
Her: "Oh, it is there drying. I had to wash it and it wasn't dry."
Me: (Internally - that was 6 days ago - it's totally dry) "I think it is dry now - it's been a week."
Her: "No, it hasn't...it was Thursday...wait, I guess it has been like 6 days but I was going to do it, I swear. I'll do it when I get back from the gym."
Me: (Doing it because it takes literally 4 seconds)
I have done this. I felt like it was really childish and I know I shouldn't touch her stuff.
Like if she leaves clothes in the laundry room for more than 3 days and I need to hang my things, I will put her things in her room - and that usually causes a fight and her to rightly say I shouldn't touch her things.
Growing up, my mom and dad, I love them so much, but they didn't finish some things. I can't have stuff hanging over my head like that - so I developed a "must get it done at all costs" mentality - which is wrong. I admit I sometimes rush through things - it's like we are all one way (hasty) or the other (procrastinators).
what would she propose you do in this situation? i cannot see in any world how you putting HER stuff in HER room is wrong. she can do (or not) what she wants with it once it's in there, but she can't just leave stuff around and get pissy because you dared touch it.
She feels this is "confining her to her room" and not letting her enjoy the common spaces.
She would say "Just leave it there! It isn't hurting anyone. You are so controlling. Who cares if my stuff is in the laundry room - I made room for you!"
Meanwhile, we agreed previously that we would *not* keep clothing in the laundry room permanently - it's a basement, it doesn't really dry well down there, and it looks junky.
She left her clothes down there for 7 days until it was time for the new load, ugh.
Previously, we've tried a system where we agree on a time frame for something and if she doesn't meet that time frame, she owes me $.
Her dog, for example, ruined 2 items of mine and we agreed she would replace them in a month's time (this was a sweater and a yard decoration) - I wanted them replaced that week, but we negotiated it to a month, with a penalty after that month . It took her OVER 3 months.
And the thing that really irked me is, in the end, I had to nag her on a weekly basis to get the items replaced, and the sweater - I had to find one online, send her the link, etc. The yard decoration, she claimed wasn't her fault - someone was fixing it for her and it isn't her fault they were taking so long.
So somehow, these things became *my* responsibility and that I get annoyed by - I want less responsibility and not more. I often feel that if I lived alone, I would have FAR less chores (no dog hair, way less dishes, less messes/general cleaning, less trash/recycling, no clutter laying around). I sometimes feel like a mom doing chores, making dinner, etc.
I put the unfinished stuff on H's bed or in his clutter box or somewhere else to make a point. I'm sure it annoys him, but it drives me insane to be surrounded by half-done stuff. Unfortunately, I can't put the fence on his pillow.
I have done this. I felt like it was really childish and I know I shouldn't touch her stuff.
Like if she leaves clothes in the laundry room for more than 3 days and I need to hang my things, I will put her things in her room - and that usually causes a fight and her to rightly say I shouldn't touch her things.
Growing up, my mom and dad, I love them so much, but they didn't finish some things. I can't have stuff hanging over my head like that - so I developed a "must get it done at all costs" mentality - which is wrong. I admit I sometimes rush through things - it's like we are all one way (hasty) or the other (procrastinators).
My H does this and it drives me up the wall. I don't have advice on how to get it done because I usually just finish it myself.
Of course sometimes I am your roommate as well. But whatever I left doesn't bother me
I will finish it myself but it just really bothers me because I start feeling like I do everything. (My late DH was not like this - if he said he was doing it, it was done - full stop. That's my attitude too and the way I do things).
I start blowing it out of proportion but I say "I can't believe you can't even finish putting away towels, the simplest of chores. How can you be trusted to do anything?" It's mentally exhausting.
We have had so many fights over chores - it's terrible - my roommate won't accept a chore chart and I'm tired of feeling like I do everything.
Sorry kwynn, I'm this person. I get easily side tracked.
I'm not this person at all - I literally get twitchy and can't stop thinking about something until it is done. I set a timer on my phone to run and get the laundry. I love crossing off something on my list.
I don't consider vacuuming done until I have done every room and rug, then empty the sweeper, wash filter, put filter away, and put the sweeper away. Then I consider it done.
Is there a word for this? Is this a symptom of ADHD?
I currently live with someone and they cannot seem to finish a chore. There is always some part of it left undone. It really really annoys me.
Like they vacuum every room of the house but one (for whatever reason, meaning to get back to it), then leave the sweeper sitting there for 2 days.
Or they fold the towels but then leave them sitting on the washer for two days - because they weren't sure where a few of them went - finish it. Figure it out and do it and cross it off!
We've had a few fights over this - I have a really hard time with loose ends not being tied up and it really bothers me.
What side are you on? Am I the only one out there dealing with this? Anyway to encourage the person to just get it done?
(They'll say "Oh, I did put the laundry away - I just have to put away 10 more towels" or "I did run the vacuum - I just have to do the office still and you were in there but I'll get to it")
Update on page 3 - I think we worked it out. Family stuff is tough.
I am so glad you are going to see your friend. Please be honest with him/her. Also, tell them NOT to leave you alone. If you need to go to the ER, go to the ER - I get that you have no insurance, but if you were bitten by a shark and your arm got cut off - you'd go to the ER and deal with it later. Same thing - depression is a life threatening shark bite sometimes and you gotta go get bandaged up - there's no shame/stigma in that.
Hey, bliss. I wanted to tell you that I have loved following your journey and you remind me of so many other young single women who are getting into their careers and building their life.
I'm worried for you in reading this post - are you thinking of hurting yourself or taking your own life? Don't. We care about you. The current job situation is just temporary - don't come up with a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I too have felt worthless and hurting - just get through this next minute and the next one after that. Distract yourself - I have go-to's of funny videos or podcasts I watch to distract me to get through the next minute.
I recommend a funny podcast to everyone - it's called Go Bayside if you like making fun of that old 90's show, Saved by the Bell. Or I listen to Howard Stern or I watch clips of Maury on YouTube - something mindless and funny.
We're here for you. My husband's suicide ruined my life - I'm not afraid to say that. He felt it was for the best and that he was doing everyone a favor - he felt he was a burden but he was incredibly wrong. Suicide ruins lives in ways you can't even imagine.
I keep thinking about this. I am moderately tech-savvy. I have a housecleaner as well from time to time.
I have opened both my desktop and my laptop cases before. Desktop was much easier. For both, I needed a screwdriver. For my laptop, I had to remove the battery, unscrew some stuff on the back, take the keyboard out, pop a piece out that covered the hinges, and I had to watch YouTube to do this.
It probably took me 20 minutes to get to the hard drive and I didn't remove it - that would take more time. Maybe their laptop is different than mine? But you need a screwdriver. I had my hard drive replaced by a technician that I paid for my desktop and it took him probably 25 minutes - it wasn't a "pop this out, slide it in and done" thing.
How big is your parents' home? Could one cleaner have done this while the other cleaner(s) were oblivious?
Also, this is totally, totally stereotyping...but are the cleaners young people with the latest phones and they refer to their scheduling app, etc, or is it like my cleaning lady, where I have to call her and she only takes checks, not square, etc. My cleaning lady and the previous two others I have had were not tech-savvy at all (and they stated this). I'd think someone who can get a hard drive out of a laptop and get the case closed up and put back in a short amount of time is fairly competent with electronics and I'd be surprised they were working in the cleaning field and not doing computer repair work at Best Buy, etc.
Is there anyone else in the home living with your parents? Siblings?
How much do your parents trust each other? Is either one of them tech-savvy?
Did they let anyone else look at the computer? Was your mom there the entire time with them at Best Buy?
I have several theories...
1 - Best Buy removed the hard drive, laid it somewhere. Bracket had fallen out previously (if your mom worked on it herself) or somehow fell into say, the bag she was carrying it in, etc. She brought that home and then found that bracket.
2 - Inside job....someone with access to your parents' computer removed the hard drive, and it was either your mom herself, your dad, or someone close to them. The reasons why they removed it are really uncomfortable to think about - evidence of cheating or something illegal, etc.
3 - Cleaning company took it for nefarious purposes (unlikely to me - so much work and they HAD to know they would get caught but maybe for passwords, etc), they took it to cover a mistake (they dropped the laptop while cleaning, employee says "my brother works on computers and he can get me another hard drive/fix it" - again, unlikely), or an employee using the HD to download something illegal, etc, at your mom's house and then felt they'd get caught or needed that HD to access they stuff. So gross and disgusting.
I'm a wedding photographer, so very few ethical situations...
There have, on occasion, been times when I didn't support the marriage, but obviously still photographed it.
There have been times I've witnessed people using illegal drugs or saying truly terrible things that made me feel icky.
The things I get "pressured" about the most are to trespass to do a photo - even yelled at to do it (I will NOT do railroad tracks, but many people think I should just suck it up and do it when it comes to sneaking on random properties, etc) and to take tasteless photos I don't agree with (ppl exposing themselves to the camera).
This makes me so angry and sad. Fuck them. Honestly, I don't think I could maintain a relationship with them. They should be happy for you and supportive of you moving forward. Buying a car or a house is an issue? What will happen someday when you are ready to date? I think we should all only surround ourselves with people who are positive influences in our lives and are happy for our happiness. If they can't be supportive or at least SENSITIVE toward you, I don't think they have a place in your life anymore.
Weirdly, I think they *want* me to date. I am not dating and yet, they have brought it up about 5x, starting with just a month or so after he died. They say things like "We know you will move on and get married again" or "You will find someone else"
I think they have been saying these things all along to mentally prepare themselves for it. I sort of wonder if they think that by me eventually dating and then remarrying, that he will again be all theirs because you can't ever replace a son the way they feel I can replace a husband (you cannot, but you know what I mean) - I feel like they would like me to move on and essentially return his memory to them, all to them.
I'm not ready to date and not sure when/if I will be. I don't believe in soulmates - just one person for you - but he was the love of my life and I knew from our first date that that was it, this was my husband - we were so much alike and he made me a better person and I have never clicked with someone so well. It is big shoes to fill and I just am not ready. I cry even thinking about meeting someone else, I still wear my rings. I'm in no rush.
I think me and my IL's, we all need some distance - unfortunately, I moved to their town about a year ago. I regret it right now and wish I could go back to Florida where they couldn't "get" to me, at least not at this level.
Something else that bothers me is, they want to start a scholarship and memorials for my DH and if I don't stay involved with them, I can't really be involved in it. And that saddens me because how will it look if his widow isn't there? Don't I support the scholarship mission, etc? (I do support it and want to be involved)
I've been through two therapists - one I lost when I moved (but he was my fave because he knew me from before my husband passed for my anxiety issues so it was great that he knew how I used to be) and one because the grief program I was in ended.
I have to start over again and find someone new. I've been procrastinating doing it because I absolutely hate going into everything all over again - that's the worst part is telling everything all over again.
Hugs. I can totally see how it would be difficult to start over again. Does your old therapist offer skype sessions? I know some do, especially for clients that have moved away.
I feel like he was old school and not too tech-savvy But it's worth asking.
I agree with you that for me, FB isn't a place for stuff like that, but I think it's pretty BS to tell someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do because of how it might affect you. I think kwynn should post whatever she wants on her own FB page, and if it bothers someone for any reason then that person can hide/unfriend/block.
Seriously. No one else should be telling anyone how they should be grieveing.
kwynn, do what you need to do. Post what you need to post. Check in with a therapist if you're not already, if you feel the need.
Hugs.
I've been through two therapists - one I lost when I moved (but he was my fave because he knew me from before my husband passed for my anxiety issues so it was great that he knew how I used to be) and one because the grief program I was in ended.
I have to start over again and find someone new. I've been procrastinating doing it because I absolutely hate going into everything all over again - that's the worst part is telling everything all over again.
Move on - don't let them bring you down. I would ask your sister not to fight your battles and to not put herself in the middle. I understand she means well - but you can see how things get out of hand.
These people are not good for your mental well being.
I know about my sister (and heck, my MIL's sister is the aunt)- so if all these sisters just didn't jump in the mix, things would be more or less fine. Once hurtful things are said, they can never be taken back.
I told my sister not to respond. She did anyway and she knows I am not happy about that but I can't control her actions. She wants to respond again and I have told her not to, but if she does, I don't want to hear anything else about it as I can't stand any more hurtful things.
However, I do want to urge you to avoid posting sad things about widowhood on Facebook. My cousin in law posted those things and I'd be going about my day totally happy and it would be like a punch in my stomach, and it would make me spiral into a dark place that was hard to shake. When you do that it makes it that much harder for everyone who loved your H to make it through their day.
I agree with you that for me, FB isn't a place for stuff like that, but I think it's pretty BS to tell someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do because of how it might affect you. I think kwynn should post whatever she wants on her own FB page, and if it bothers someone for any reason then that person can hide/unfriend/block.
I can see it both ways...it's hard to find the balance there, just as it is hard to find the balance between remembering him and moving on.
I decided to move my thoughts to a blog because I thought maybe it was getting a little too sad/doom and gloom, especially on certain days/certain times of the year. So ppl going to the blog would actively be seeking it out...but I don't know, I don't want to write in it anymore because I don't have a thick enough skin for opening myself up to criticism that way.
I love writing - it's what I would do for a living if I had more skill in it. I guess it is a hobby of mine.
I have friends that do post a lot about ppl that have passed and I don't mind it - but I'm very open with that stuff now, versus before I would have felt awkward reading it.