Updated: I'm PISSED

[Deleted]

Update 2: Piper is no longer the flower girl, they decided she was too young. Fine with me. Now she's not invited to the entire event, so we're thinking of leaving H home and cancelling his ticket (Southwest is awesome about this btw), and I'll change mine to fly down the day of and home the next morning. I'm honestly tempted to not go, but it would create massive drama.



Updated: So I slept on this and it still bothered me greatly, so I asked if we could chat. She called me and I learned that the request for no kids is coming from her soon to be H. The issue is that his family has a lot of young kids and he doesn't want them there, so he doesn't want to make an exception for Piper in case that upsets them. She's really on the same page as me that having her in the ceremony really means she should be 'allowed' at the reception. She's going to talk to him tonight.

I have a 'babysitter' lined up, my other step-sister from my dad's current marriage. She's 12, loves Piper and is great with kids. She'd be able to watch her in another room or area of the B&B nearby. I told my sister I can bring her, but she'd then also be at the ceremony and would need to be fed somehow. Overall I think my SS is totally on board having Piper there, but is trying to compromise with her STBH. 



My step-sister is getting married in early May, she just got engaged over Christmas so this is fast. She just texted me that kids aren't allowed at the reception.

I don't know what to do. We already have plane tickets, and don't live in the area so it's not like I can just whip up a babysitter. I don't trust strangers so I'm not going to just ask someone randomly. They also just asked me in the same damn text if she can be the flower girl! 

AAARGH. 

Mad. Real mad.

[Deleted]

wtf step-sister.

[dulcemariamar]

I would be pissed too. Can you go to the ceremony and then leave to do something cool or touristy?

[Deleted]

What did you text back? I would say "do you think I can leave Piper with the coat check?"

[ECB]

LONNNNNNG sigh from me.

So, it's one thing if she wants to go kids free. I know it's an inconvenience, especially as she didn't bother to tell you before you made travel plans. But it's her wedding, her choice.

BUT BUT BUT - it honestly annoys me when people do what she's doing - "no kids", oh, but wait, I do want cute kids in my ceremony! So you have to (conceivably) juggle what to do with your child after the ceremony but before the reception.

She needs to go one way or the other. not this half and half crap.

[linz]

I would TELL her DD will be at the reception. Especially if she is a flower girl she should be an exception. 

[jeaniebueller]

She wants your child to be in the ceremony, but not at the reception? And you already bought plan tickets? Nope, nope, nope. Can one of your parents talk to her?

[smock]

That's irritating, for sure. We're in a similar situation for an out-of-state wedding this fall, and my mom is flying to the wedding location to help us with childcare (and to see the kids, since it's much closer to where she lives). Another option is to split your time at the reception (one of you does childcare while the other is at the reception, then switch or not depending on how easy that would be). You could also ask your step-sister for babysitter recommendations; my bride-friend is putting together a list of trusted babysitters from her local friends with kids (since she doesn't have kids), so it's not quite the same as a stranger.

[karinothing]

Can you stay at the reception and have your husband take the kids wherever

[ECB]

Oh, and if you want ot say "no" to the flower girl request, you're free to do so! She can ask but you can say "As we don't even know what we're going to do w/ her during the reception, I can't commit to having her in the ceremony".

[pinotgrig]

Not cool, step sister. Not cool.

I would be tempted to not go at all. Are your tickets refundable?

My rationale self would text her and ask her if she's providing childcare at the reception since you and H are traveling alone. Would you be comfortable with that set up?

Alternately, I would be rude right back and say "I presume that since P would be FG that she could attend the reception? Because we obviously won't have childcare since we're flying cross country for the wedding."

The more I think about this the madder I get. So rude!!

[ssmjlm]

Uh whut? ^o)

We had a child free wedding except for DH's niece and nephew who handed out programs for us.  So they were at the ceremony and reception.

If she's the flower girl she should be allowed at the reception.  I mean, it's not like she's going to eat a bunch of food and run up a bar tab?  Reality check step-sister.

[pinotgrig]

Mar 22, 2016 9:09:41 GMT -5 ECB said:

LONNNNNNG sigh from me.

So, it's one thing if she wants to go kids free. I know it's an inconvenience, especially as she didn't bother to tell you before you made travel plans. But it's her wedding, her choice.

BUT BUT BUT - it honestly annoys me when people do what she's doing - "no kids", oh, but wait, I do want cute kids in my ceremony! So you have to (conceivably) juggle what to do with your child after the ceremony but before the reception.

She needs to go one way or the other. not this half and half crap.

Yes! You don't get use kids as cute props for 1/2 of the wedding festivities and then refuse to deal with the second half. All or none.

[humpforfree]

Any chance you are headed my direction? We'd love to have another toddler for a day!

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2016 9:10:35 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oh, and if you want ot say "no" to the flower girl request, you're free to do so! She can ask but you can say "As we don't even know what we're going to do w/ her during the reception, I can't commit to having her in the ceremony".

This is what I would do. Maybe step-sister is so obtuse she didn't think the logistics through? But I agree with the other posters, you don't get to have a cute kid in the ceremony then dump them like a bad boyfriend afterwards. Hell no.

[laurenh]

Yeah, nope, I'd totally turn down that flower girl request unless she's allowed at the reception. I get the no kids at a reception thing, but not when you also want them in your wedding! It also would have been nice for her to share that before you made travel arrangements.

Is it possible for one of your ILs to travel with you by chance as a babysitter?

[Ashley&Scott]

Whoa, who the heck asks a kid to be in the ceremony & then doesn't invite them to the reception. I would be pissed too!So this is your step sister, can you talk to your mom or dad about this?

I don't blame you about not leaving your kid with a stranger. We have attended one out of state wedding, M was about 2 at time. The reception was at a hotel so we booked adjoining rooms & brought MIL along. She stayed in the room with M. (she wasn't invited to the wedding) Then we were able to slip upstairs to check on them, put M to bed. Do you have anyone you could bring along to do something like this?

Also, I completely agree with ECB you are totally fine to say no the the flower girl request.

[nomad]

This is happening to me. My girls are in the wedding and yet the wedding is basically at bedtime. I've been told they could go to the reception but wouldn't you like to get a babysitter?. There are 5 kids in the wedding and we are all expected to get babysitters. None of us are local. People don't think.

[Deleted]

LOL - "can she be at the rehearsal, it's 4:30 on Friday"

I booked tickets already, we get in at 6. I'd loved to have been there, I just wish she'd given me ANY of this information sooner.

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2016 9:15:00 GMT -5 humpforfree said:

Any chance you are headed my direction? We'd love to have another toddler for a day!

Soooomewhere nearby?

It's in Hamilton, VA.

[mrshandy]

That's bullshit. Really?!?

I would at least ask her for babysitting recs.

[humpforfree]

Mar 22, 2016 9:27:38 GMT -5 @sessalee said:

Mar 22, 2016 9:15:00 GMT -5 humpforfree said:

Any chance you are headed my direction? We'd love to have another toddler for a day!

Soooomewhere nearby?

It's in Hamilton, VA.

Yes! That's only an hour or so away! The offer will stand if you'd like!

[Deleted]

Every kid free wedding I've been to, the FG and RB have been at the reception.

[cheeseandcrackers]

if you want my kid in the ceremony you better expect her at the reception.. sorry stepsister!

[osulori]

Mar 22, 2016 9:34:35 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Mar 22, 2016 9:08:02 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I would be pissed too. Can you go to the ceremony and then leave to do something cool or touristy?

I'd do this.

same here.  

[redheadbaker]

Mar 22, 2016 9:27:03 GMT -5 @sessalee said:

LOL - "can she be at the rehearsal, it's 4:30 on Friday"

I booked tickets already, we get in at 6. I'd loved to have been there, I just wish she'd given me ANY of this information sooner.

Duuuuude. No, step-sis. No.

[cjeanette]

I would either tell her your kid is attending the reception and you can't be there at 4:30 or I would see if you can't switch those tickets somewhere more fun and skip the wedding.

[simpsongal]

Does she know you bought tickets already? I mean, what does she expect you to do?

I'd be very tempted to be passive aggressive and just skip the wedding completely (sending your spouse, or visa versa).

[nessness]

Since she seems pretty clueless about kids, you should probably explain that a 1-year-old is not likely to calmly walk down the aisle throwing flower petals before agreeing to have her be the flower girl.

[imojoebunny]

This makes me glad that my family has yet to have a child free wedding, much less a child at the wedding, but not the reception. No way would I be paying to fly my kid in for that.

Do you have any other family in the area or friends of SS who will have a sitter you could share? That might be an option.

I know you are not into it, but we have had really amazingly good experiences using hotel baby sitters. They are background checked, bonded, and insured, so better than I typically do with sitters (I picked one up at Starbucks, where she was a barista, I figured they at least did a criminal background check). We have had them bring toys, crafts, books, and other fun things with them, so our kids really enjoyed having them watch them. It is pricey though, about $25 an hour, and a tip for the hotel staff who organizes the sitter.

Sorry for your SS thoughtlessness.