It sounds less like the fact it's a kid free wedding that's a problem and more she is a disorganized mess.
But I also had a kid free wedding with kids in the wedding. We offered a nanny service in the room next to the ballroom for dancing, so the kids could run around, eat food, watch movies and play. No one took us up on it. Out of town people somehow figured out a way to leave their kids at home? In town people found babysitters. So the out of town kids who did come ended up being invited to the reception too. (Initial guest list there was something like 14 kids. We ended up having 4 kids there.) People had a year notice.
I'm here.
I had ZERO interest in children at my reception. And if everyone invited to my wedding had brought all of their kids to my reception I would have had TWENTY SIX CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 12. That I had to pay full price for. So they could eat chicken fingers. No.
We booked a conference room one floor down from the reception. As we had a lot of out of town guests with kids, we hired my sister's graduate students as childcare. We threw the kids a kiddie party with kid food, games, toys, movies, etc. The kids got goodie bags, etc. The kids also received their own invitations to said kiddie party so that there would be no mistaking what our plans were for kids.
Since the room was only one floor down, parents could check on their kids if they needed. The childcare folks had a card with each kids name, any allergies and the parents cell phone in case of issues.
AND I STILL had people try to somehow skirt around this. The one exception I willingly, joyfully and happily gave was to the wife of one of our groomsmen who asked if she could bring her six week old still nursing newborn with her to the reception. Which I of course said yes to because I'm not an asshole.
And I also had no problems with kids at my ceremony, which I viewed as them seeing a family member get married. To me it was different than them being up late at a fancy reception.
I did not have any kids in my bridal party though, so maybe that's different.
She gets to say no kids. You get to choose whether or not you will attend.
It sounds less like the fact it's a kid free wedding that's a problem and more she is a disorganized mess.
But I also had a kid free wedding with kids in the wedding. We offered a nanny service in the room next to the ballroom for dancing, so the kids could run around, eat food, watch movies and play. No one took us up on it. Out of town people somehow figured out a way to leave their kids at home? In town people found babysitters. So the out of town kids who did come ended up being invited to the reception too. (Initial guest list there was something like 14 kids. We ended up having 4 kids there.) People had a year notice.
I'm here.
I had ZERO interest in children at my reception. And if everyone invited to my wedding had brought all of their kids to my reception I would have had TWENTY SIX CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 12. That I had to pay full price for. So they could eat chicken fingers. No.
We booked a conference room one floor down from the reception. As we had a lot of out of town guests with kids, we hired my sister's graduate students as childcare. We threw the kids a kiddie party with kid food, games, toys, movies, etc. The kids got goodie bags, etc. The kids also received their own invitations to said kiddie party so that there would be no mistaking what our plans were for kids.
AND I STILL had people try to somehow skirt around this. The one exception I willingly, joyfully and happily gave was to the wife of one of our groomsmen who asked if she could bring her six week old still nursing newborn with her to the reception. Which I of course said yes to because I'm not an asshole.
And I also had no problems with kids at my ceremony, which I viewed as them seeing a family member get married. To me it was different than them being up late at a fancy reception.
I did not have any kids in my bridal party though, so maybe that's different.
She gets to say no kids. You get to choose whether or not you will attend.
This isn't a random person, though. Its her step sister's child, WHO IS ALSO IN THE RECEPTION AND IS TRAVELING FROM A DISTANCE. Yes, people have a right to have a kid free wedding, but there should really be some common sense here.
I had ZERO interest in children at my reception. And if everyone invited to my wedding had brought all of their kids to my reception I would have had TWENTY SIX CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 12. That I had to pay full price for. So they could eat chicken fingers. No.
We booked a conference room one floor down from the reception. As we had a lot of out of town guests with kids, we hired my sister's graduate students as childcare. We threw the kids a kiddie party with kid food, games, toys, movies, etc. The kids got goodie bags, etc. The kids also received their own invitations to said kiddie party so that there would be no mistaking what our plans were for kids.
AND I STILL had people try to somehow skirt around this. The one exception I willingly, joyfully and happily gave was to the wife of one of our groomsmen who asked if she could bring her six week old still nursing newborn with her to the reception. Which I of course said yes to because I'm not an asshole.
And I also had no problems with kids at my ceremony, which I viewed as them seeing a family member get married. To me it was different than them being up late at a fancy reception.
I did not have any kids in my bridal party though, so maybe that's different.
She gets to say no kids. You get to choose whether or not you will attend.
This isn't a random person, though. Its her step sister's child, WHO IS ALSO IN THE RECEPTION AND IS TRAVELING FROM A DISTANCE. Yes, people have a right to have a kid free wedding, but there should really be some common sense here.
Neither of my nephews attended the reception. One stayed home with grandma, one went to the kiddie party.
And see my comments above about many of our guests traveling with kids. Kids went to the kiddie party.
I had a kid free wedding but the flower girls came to the reception. I also paid for a babysitter (including pizza for all of the kids) to stay with them at the hotel that the wedding and reception was at. It was my bridesmaids sister and the kids were all older, but their mom didn't want to take them to the reception. She needs to let you bring your child, that's just crazy.
This isn't a random person, though. Its her step sister's child, WHO IS ALSO IN THE RECEPTION AND IS TRAVELING FROM A DISTANCE. Yes, people have a right to have a kid free wedding, but there should really be some common sense here.
There are definite issues w/ the OPs situation. There are a few things where I totally get her annoyance.
BUT her step sister is still allowed to have a kid free wedding, even if that means that people traveling have to figure out what to do w/ their kids. Most people these days have family in other parts of the country. that doesn't now automatically mean that you MUST include kids.
Again, her step sister isn't handling this well. But I still don't think that means that having family travel means she must include kids.
And I'll also say that while I'm a proponent of a bride and groom being able to have the wedding they want, they have to do so knowing that their choices may affect who can come to their wedding. If the OP decided not to go because of this issue, the step sister doesn't have a right to be mad about it. Choices do have consequences.
I'll see if she comes up with a reasonable approach to this whole mess.
Thank you, you're so kind! (heart)
It's 30 min from me! Cora would just LOVE IT.
I feel like you should just come here and we can GTG instead of going to this rude wedding!
I would honestly ask what she wants you to do with Piper for the reception since she's not invited and you're not leaving her with a stranger. It may seem rude, but it's nowhere near as rude as uninviting a wedding party member to the reception.
Maybe we can figure something out so they could play at least! WE'll be in that area most of the weekend.
I did say to her "i'm really not sure what I could do with her". I'm pretty blunt.
This isn't a random person, though. Its her step sister's child, WHO IS ALSO IN THE RECEPTION AND IS TRAVELING FROM A DISTANCE. Yes, people have a right to have a kid free wedding, but there should really be some common sense here.
There are definite issues w/ the OPs situation. There are a few things where I totally get her annoyance.
BUT her step sister is still allowed to have a kid free wedding, even if that means that people traveling have to figure out what to do w/ their kids. Most people these days have family in other parts of the country. that doesn't now automatically mean that you MUST include kids.
Again, her step sister isn't handling this well. But I still don't think that means that having family travel means she must include kids.
And I'll also say that while I'm a proponent of a bride and groom being able to have the wedding they want, they have to do so knowing that their choices may affect who can come to their wedding. If the OP decided not to go because of this issue, the step sister doesn't have a right to be mad about it. Choices do have consequences.
I 100% agree with this, she should be allowed to have that. I'm trying to make it work, what I'm really frustrated about is the lack of notice and how she told me. Via text. In the same text she asked me if she can be the FG.
I 100% agree with this, she should be allowed to have that. I'm trying to make it work, what I'm really frustrated about is the lack of notice and how she told me. Via text. In the same text she asked me if she can be the FG.
Trust me, despite the other discussions at play here - I TOTALLY get your frustration at this situation. She isn't thinking this through/ handling it well at all.
Did you talk to your SS about wedding plans before buying plane tickets? I mean, the whole "flower girl but not at the reception" thing sucks, don't get me wrong, but you were making the assumption that your dd would be invited when you bought tickets, yes?
I did talk to her a few times and she made no indication that Piper wasn't invited.... except that she is invited, as a flower girl! Her text said they'd just decided to have no kids because they'd have "6 kids under 2 running around."
It sounds less like the fact it's a kid free wedding that's a problem and more she is a disorganized mess.
But I also had a kid free wedding with kids in the wedding. We offered a nanny service in the room next to the ballroom for dancing, so the kids could run around, eat food, watch movies and play. No one took us up on it. Out of town people somehow figured out a way to leave their kids at home? In town people found babysitters. So the out of town kids who did come ended up being invited to the reception too. (Initial guest list there was something like 14 kids. We ended up having 4 kids there.) People had a year notice.
I'm here.
I had ZERO interest in children at my reception. And if everyone invited to my wedding had brought all of their kids to my reception I would have had TWENTY SIX CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 12. That I had to pay full price for. So they could eat chicken fingers. No.
We booked a conference room one floor down from the reception. As we had a lot of out of town guests with kids, we hired my sister's graduate students as childcare. We threw the kids a kiddie party with kid food, games, toys, movies, etc. The kids got goodie bags, etc. The kids also received their own invitations to said kiddie party so that there would be no mistaking what our plans were for kids.
Since the room was only one floor down, parents could check on their kids if they needed. The childcare folks had a card with each kids name, any allergies and the parents cell phone in case of issues.
AND I STILL had people try to somehow skirt around this. The one exception I willingly, joyfully and happily gave was to the wife of one of our groomsmen who asked if she could bring her six week old still nursing newborn with her to the reception. Which I of course said yes to because I'm not an asshole.
And I also had no problems with kids at my ceremony, which I viewed as them seeing a family member get married. To me it was different than them being up late at a fancy reception.
I did not have any kids in my bridal party though, so maybe that's different.
She gets to say no kids. You get to choose whether or not you will attend.
Absolutely yes. Again, totally not disputing this. I have a problem with being told less than 2 months out, coming in from out of town, after I was invited, RSVP'd, etc.
Technically, one could argue, that daycare were strangers at first but that was a necessary thing to you know - work.
I don't think this is fair, though. Disorganization aside, if your step sister wants a kid free wedding, she's allowed to have a kid free wedding. It's not on HER that YOU aren't comfortable using 'strangers' except for in a situation where you have to work.
That statement basically makes it sound like you're someone who expects that your child will ALWAYS be invited where ever you go and if not, you're going to be pissed. If that's your take, then so be it, but people are still allowed to have adult only events even if it doesn't line up w/ your comfort.
It is not my take, again, she can have her kid free wedding. Totally fine. I'm frustrated by the lack of notice and asking to have my daughter in the ceremony as well. It's just a difficult thing to navigate after already having planned a lot of our trip.
Post by yourmother on Mar 22, 2016 11:41:41 GMT -5
Like a few pp's have said, I would go to the wedding ceremony with my kid (not as a FG) and then peace out for the reception. Let her know now that you're changing your RSVP to her reception to not attending.
100% team Sessalee here. What's done is done, the plane tickets are purchased and now you and SS can hopefully work out what to do with DD amicably and without drama.
However, if I were you, I would have had a conversation with SS about whether I could bring DD to the wedding, what day/time the first event (rehearsal dinner?) was, etc., so that we could plan accordingly. I would not have bought plane tickets without talking to her, first. If you had, it's likely she would have asked if DD could be flower girl at that point and you could have made arrangements to get there for the Friday night event, that is, if you wanted her to be flower girl.
ETA - I specifically would have asked if DD was invited to the wedding. Around here, lots of people have no kids. I wouldn't have assumed, even if she didn't specifically say no kids, that kids were invited.
You're right, I should have asked and not assumed. Now I know to do that.
There are definite issues w/ the OPs situation. There are a few things where I totally get her annoyance.
BUT her step sister is still allowed to have a kid free wedding, even if that means that people traveling have to figure out what to do w/ their kids. Most people these days have family in other parts of the country. that doesn't now automatically mean that you MUST include kids.
Again, her step sister isn't handling this well. But I still don't think that means that having family travel means she must include kids.
And I'll also say that while I'm a proponent of a bride and groom being able to have the wedding they want, they have to do so knowing that their choices may affect who can come to their wedding. If the OP decided not to go because of this issue, the step sister doesn't have a right to be mad about it. Choices do have consequences.
I 100% agree with this, she should be allowed to have that. I'm trying to make it work, what I'm really frustrated about is the lack of notice and how she told me. Via text. In the same text she asked me if she can be the FG.
I will agree that her entire approach is complete bullshit. She needed to have her shit far better together.
Like a few pp's have said, I would go to the wedding ceremony with my kid (not as a FG) and then peace out for the reception. Let her know now that you're changing your RSVP to her reception to not attending.
The downside to skipping the reception is that's a few hours with family I never get to see. My family is complicated, spread out across the US, and we rarely get together. Once my brother gets hitched, I don't know when I'll see all 4 of my stepsisters again. I really don't.
I don't think this is fair, though. Disorganization aside, if your step sister wants a kid free wedding, she's allowed to have a kid free wedding. It's not on HER that YOU aren't comfortable using 'strangers' except for in a situation where you have to work.
That statement basically makes it sound like you're someone who expects that your child will ALWAYS be invited where ever you go and if not, you're going to be pissed. If that's your take, then so be it, but people are still allowed to have adult only events even if it doesn't line up w/ your comfort.
It is not my take, again, she can have her kid free wedding. Totally fine. I'm frustrated by the lack of notice and asking to have my daughter in the ceremony as well. It's just a difficult thing to navigate after already having planned a lot of our trip.
And again, her approach sucked
I'm wondering though, what would more notice would have done for you? If your concern is "I will not leave her with a stranger," would more notice really have solved this problem?
And, it is common for a couple to let people know in the invitation that an event is kid free. Six weeks out is not totally unexpected for this type of notice.
It is not my take, again, she can have her kid free wedding. Totally fine. I'm frustrated by the lack of notice and asking to have my daughter in the ceremony as well. It's just a difficult thing to navigate after already having planned a lot of our trip.
And again, her approach sucked
I'm wondering though, what would more notice would have done for you? If your concern is "I will not leave her with a stranger," would more notice really have solved this problem?
And, it is common for a couple to let people know in the invitation that an event is kid free. Six weeks out is not totally unexpected for this type of notice.
Her child is in the wedding ceremony and she is a relative, so yeah, I don't think sessalee is totally out of line in assuming her child would be invited to the reception. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
Like a few pp's have said, I would go to the wedding ceremony with my kid (not as a FG) and then peace out for the reception. Let her know now that you're changing your RSVP to her reception to not attending.
The downside to skipping the reception is that's a few hours with family I never get to see. My family is complicated, spread out across the US, and we rarely get together. Once my brother gets hitched, I don't know when I'll see all 4 of my stepsisters again. I really don't.
Are close at all to your step sister? Can you have a heart to heart with her? Take it from there.
FTR - I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my toddler with a complete stranger.
Like a few pp's have said, I would go to the wedding ceremony with my kid (not as a FG) and then peace out for the reception. Let her know now that you're changing your RSVP to her reception to not attending.
The downside to skipping the reception is that's a few hours with family I never get to see. My family is complicated, spread out across the US, and we rarely get together. Once my brother gets hitched, I don't know when I'll see all 4 of my stepsisters again. I really don't.
I'm getting more and more irritated by your ss. Your family will likely want to see and spend time with your dd at the reception. I'd be tempted to text her back and say, Um, flower girl gets to go to the reception. Eff her. She can't have it both ways.
It is not my take, again, she can have her kid free wedding. Totally fine. I'm frustrated by the lack of notice and asking to have my daughter in the ceremony as well. It's just a difficult thing to navigate after already having planned a lot of our trip.
And again, her approach sucked
I'm wondering though, what would more notice would have done for you? If your concern is "I will not leave her with a stranger," would more notice really have solved this problem?
And, it is common for a couple to let people know in the invitation that an event is kid free. Six weeks out is not totally unexpected for this type of notice.
H would have stayed home and she'd not be the flower girl. So yes, more notice would have helped.
I think that 6 weeks notice on a change like this for out of towners for a wedding is out of line with reality. But I don't think we're going to come to an agreement on this (and that's ok we don't have to agree on all the things, just look at uncrustables), so I'll leave it there.
Like a few pp's have said, I would go to the wedding ceremony with my kid (not as a FG) and then peace out for the reception. Let her know now that you're changing your RSVP to her reception to not attending.
The downside to skipping the reception is that's a few hours with family I never get to see. My family is complicated, spread out across the US, and we rarely get together. Once my brother gets hitched, I don't know when I'll see all 4 of my stepsisters again. I really don't.
Afterparty or brunch the next day. My mom's best friend flew in for my wedding and while it was a nice wedding and all, I know the real reason was so she and my mom could go get slizzered by the pool and gossip.
But I think if you point out in a nice way that the "no kids" rule has some real consequences, she might backtrack, at least for P.
I'm wondering though, what would more notice would have done for you? If your concern is "I will not leave her with a stranger," would more notice really have solved this problem?
And, it is common for a couple to let people know in the invitation that an event is kid free. Six weeks out is not totally unexpected for this type of notice.
Her child is in the wedding ceremony and she is a relative, so yeah, I don't think sessalee is totally out of line in assuming her child would be invited to the reception. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
Because being a relative is not actually an issue to someone not attending a wedding reception.
I'll even say that I'm a bit surprised the bridal party kids are not at the reception. But the bride is under no obligation to invite children to her wedding, any children, period. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
The downside to skipping the reception is that's a few hours with family I never get to see. My family is complicated, spread out across the US, and we rarely get together. Once my brother gets hitched, I don't know when I'll see all 4 of my stepsisters again. I really don't.
Are close at all to your step sister? Can you have a heart to heart with her? Take it from there.
FTR - I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my toddler with a complete stranger.
We're discussing further. I think at this point P will be allowed at the reception b/c she's the flower girl, but they're still 'looking at options' whatever that means. She's a total scatterbrain as it is so none of this is super surprising