That sounds super frustrating. I hope you can figure out a solution.
BTW, I've used a "stranger" babysitter in a hotel once before. It was a former student of my H's though, so she wasn't a total stranger, but DD had never met her (though we did talk about her, show her a picture, etc.). We had a suite and put her to bed before the babysitter got there. The babysitter chilled in the living room and was instructed to go in if DD cried or woke up and text us if she was upset, but as it happened, she never had to (DD is a very reliable sleeper, even when traveling). We did this for two nights and the babysitter never actually met/saw DD. We were always very close and ready to drop whatever and rush back to the hotel if we got a text, because I wasn't sure that DD would be all smiles to wake up to a stranger. It wasn't ideal, but a compromise that I was willing to make.
Her child is in the wedding ceremony and she is a relative, so yeah, I don't think sessalee is totally out of line in assuming her child would be invited to the reception. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
Because being a relative is not actually an issue to someone not attending a wedding reception.
I'll even say that I'm a bit surprised the bridal party kids are not at the reception. But the bride is under no obligation to invite children to her wedding, any children, period. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
Everyone on this board who is team OP has said that they have no problem with brides choosing to have kid free weddings.
It is relevant that this person is a relative because presumably they have had discussions about said wedding prior to receiving the invitation, especially since her child again, is in the ceremony. Why are you digging in on this?
I'm wondering though, what would more notice would have done for you? If your concern is "I will not leave her with a stranger," would more notice really have solved this problem?
And, it is common for a couple to let people know in the invitation that an event is kid free. Six weeks out is not totally unexpected for this type of notice.
H would have stayed home and she'd not be the flower girl. So yes, more notice would have helped.
I think that 6 weeks notice on a change like this for out of towners for a wedding is out of line with reality. But I don't think we're going to come to an agreement on this (and that's ok we don't have to agree on all the things, just look at uncrustables), so I'll leave it there.
I might still tell the bride this and try to cancel the tickets, or let her know that husband won't be there either.
Other posters are right here, point out some of the consequences of your daughter not being able to go and the bride may back down.
Because being a relative is not actually an issue to someone not attending a wedding reception.
I'll even say that I'm a bit surprised the bridal party kids are not at the reception. But the bride is under no obligation to invite children to her wedding, any children, period. I don't know why this is hard for people to understand.
Everyone on this board who is team OP has said that they have no problem with brides choosing to have kid free weddings.
It is relevant that this person is a relative because presumably they have had discussions about said wedding prior to receiving the invitation, especially since her child again, is in the ceremony. Why are you digging in on this?
Why are you digging in on this?
My point has been the same throughout: Bride is under no obligation to have kids, even cute little flower girls, at her reception. Bride should have communicated this as soon as was practicable, and should understand that this may mean that the child won't be at the wedding and won't be a flower girl.
It is relevant that this person is a relative because presumably they have had discussions about said wedding prior to receiving the invitation, especially since her child again, is in the ceremony. Why are you digging in on this?
This kind of made me laugh. I don't think I've been to one relative's wedding where I personally had a discussion with them about the wedding ahead of time!
Post by oceanstbride on Mar 22, 2016 12:32:12 GMT -5
Definitely a frustrating situation. How was the invitation addressed?
I had a great experience asking here for a sitter in the general area that my cousin was getting married. She and I emailed a few times and she was fantastic with DS. It sounds like a few people here live nearby where she's gettingn married so maybe that's an option. karinothing gave me the rec for a sitter in the NOVA area. Good luck!
Post by CheeringCharm on Mar 22, 2016 12:34:14 GMT -5
Sorry I would be too. I haven't read all the responses but I hope she's like "oh duh, you're totally right, I just wasn't thinking, of course she's welcome at the reception" etc. etc. when you point out the problem with the logistics.
Well, I think you have a right to be pissed, at the very least. She has the right to have no kids at the reception, not tell anyone til 6 weeks out, etc...but you still get to be pissed. More so because your DD is supposed to be in the WP and because it is OOT and you have already bought tickets. I would be pissed for sure.
Honestly at this point (if she doesn't make an exception), I'd have my DH spend the day (wedding) & night (reception) with DD and just attend both alone.
Say no to the FG thing. My girls have been FGs a few times and no way would my 1yr old cooperated for FG duties especially without a sibling or someone she knew VERY well escorting her. Hell my 2.5yr old wouldn't do any of it just this Fall and myself, my older 3 kids were all in the wedding with her. My 3yr old spent her nap time getting dressed & hair done for one wedding and did fine in the ceremony...but then by pictures she was exhausted (hence a mess & uncooperative) & finally passed out. The bride(SIL)'s Mom tried to wake her up for pictures and was PISSED she wasn't picture perfect. I was pissed she tried to wake her up because DUH, she's not going to be happy & posing after getting awakened a few min after falling asleep. Some people have unrealistic expectations of kids and I bet your Step sister has no real clue what it'd be like to have your very young DD as FG. Save yourself the hassle.
Anyway then you guys could spend the rest of the days doing fun stuff together & hopefully have a meal or gtg with the family where my DD was welcome.
It's really not about whether the bride wishes to have a child free wedding or not, it's the fact that it's less than two months out, she's clueless on what she wants for her wedding and guests have already booked flights and hotels. Not ok. The couple should have figured this out months ago.
Maybe they did figure it out months ago, and thought they indicated their choice by the wording on the wedding invites... I had no kids except bridal party kids (so again, team Sessalee), but my invitations said "Mr and Mrs John and Jennifer Jones" and not "the Jones Family." I was honestly shocked by the number of people who asked if their kids could come. No. I don't want kids, which is why they are not invited. I didn't say no kids, I called out the names of invited people. Would you ask to bring a date to a wedding when you are invited with one? I would not. Nor would I ask if my kids could come or assume that they could if they weren't listed on the invitation.
endvent.
The invitations were addressed to H and myself, but the entire wedding was described as a fun, casual, wear-your-sundresses-and-flip-flops affair. So I didn't think about it. Besides that, her text today indicated that they'd just decided to exclude kids.
I agree with declining your DD to be FG. Especially if they are not going to allow her to be an exception to being at the reception. But yeah all that drama won't even be worth it.
I honestly would be looking into getting cancellation of the tickets and to see if I can get a full refund. But it bugs me a little when people don't allow kids. I mean I get it. It's their wedding. But family coming in from out of town and already buying a plane ticket. I would be grumpy.
It's really not about whether the bride wishes to have a child free wedding or not, it's the fact that it's less than two months out, she's clueless on what she wants for her wedding and guests have already booked flights and hotels. Not ok. The couple should have figured this out months ago.
Maybe they did figure it out months ago, and thought they indicated their choice by the wording on the wedding invites... I had no kids except bridal party kids (so again, team Sessalee), but my invitations said "Mr and Mrs John and Jennifer Jones" and not "the Jones Family." I was honestly shocked by the number of people who asked if their kids could come. No. I don't want kids, which is why they are not invited. I didn't say no kids, I called out the names of invited people. Would you ask to bring a date to a wedding when you are invited with one? I would not. Nor would I ask if my kids could come or assume that they could if they weren't listed on the invitation.
endvent.
But she's saying she doesn't want kids at the wedding and then asking a kid to be in the wedding. Pick one: kids or no kids. It's rude to ask anyone (even a kid) to buy a dress, pose for pictures, etc, and then refuse to serve them dinner and cake.
Post by winecheery on Mar 22, 2016 16:09:40 GMT -5
It's odd to me she'd want her at the ceremony (arguably the more important aspect of the day, where people are meant to witness vows and promises, which is, the POINT), and that she'd be excluded from the party part, which is loud and noisy, and likely to have much less room for "ruining" the day. A kid's meal at a wedding is practically free, also.
I'd just be upfront with whatever you decide or feel, but I'm direct and don't think it serves any purpose not to be honest. Especially with family. Whenever there's been a question of whether or not DD is included in an event, we just ask the host. If they say kid free, we make our decisions based on our comfort level.
I'd ask step sister if she meant to exclude DD from the reception if she serves as FG. Perhaps it was an oversight. If it wasn't, I'd say thanks but no thanks, and determine how you will attend the event from there. I'd likely have DH stay with the baby, and go to the wedding myself, but probably bail early. Because...eff that. It's really crappy to ask anyone of any age to stand up for you or be a part of the ceremony without then including them at the party to celebrate after. It's just bad manners.
Maybe they did figure it out months ago, and thought they indicated their choice by the wording on the wedding invites... I had no kids except bridal party kids (so again, team Sessalee), but my invitations said "Mr and Mrs John and Jennifer Jones" and not "the Jones Family." I was honestly shocked by the number of people who asked if their kids could come. No. I don't want kids, which is why they are not invited. I didn't say no kids, I called out the names of invited people. Would you ask to bring a date to a wedding when you are invited with one? I would not. Nor would I ask if my kids could come or assume that they could if they weren't listed on the invitation.
endvent.
But she's saying she doesn't want kids at the wedding and then asking a kid to be in the wedding. Pick one: kids or no kids. It's rude to ask anyone (even a kid) to buy a dress, pose for pictures, etc, and then refuse to serve them dinner and cake.
This is so true. She is totally treating this child as a prop. At least give the kid some cake.
Maybe they did figure it out months ago, and thought they indicated their choice by the wording on the wedding invites... I had no kids except bridal party kids (so again, team Sessalee), but my invitations said "Mr and Mrs John and Jennifer Jones" and not "the Jones Family." I was honestly shocked by the number of people who asked if their kids could come. No. I don't want kids, which is why they are not invited. I didn't say no kids, I called out the names of invited people. Would you ask to bring a date to a wedding when you are invited with one? I would not. Nor would I ask if my kids could come or assume that they could if they weren't listed on the invitation.
endvent.
We always ask for confirmation, because we have now gone to two weddings where I followed the logic of "if their names are not on the invite they are not invited", only to find out the day of the wedding that it was kid friendly, it was assumed they were coming, and the bride was disappointed to not have them there.
Any chance you are headed my direction? We'd love to have another toddler for a day!
Soooomewhere nearby?
It's in Hamilton, VA.
You're close by me. I know you don't know me probably at all (I recognize you from Getting Pregnant board, but I'm not a huge poster) but I can recommend a few trusted sitters that I use.
It's really not about whether the bride wishes to have a child free wedding or not, it's the fact that it's less than two months out, she's clueless on what she wants for her wedding and guests have already booked flights and hotels. Not ok. The couple should have figured this out months ago.
Maybe they did figure it out months ago, and thought they indicated their choice by the wording on the wedding invites... I had no kids except bridal party kids (so again, team Sessalee), but my invitations said "Mr and Mrs John and Jennifer Jones" and not "the Jones Family." I was honestly shocked by the number of people who asked if their kids could come. No. I don't want kids, which is why they are not invited. I didn't say no kids, I called out the names of invited people. Would you ask to bring a date to a wedding when you are invited with one? I would not. Nor would I ask if my kids could come or assume that they could if they weren't listed on the invitation.
endvent.
Seriously? Sigh. Well in the case where I asked, the baby was still in utero when we got our invite (four months before the wedding so they could get their b list sorted out)...was it rude for me to ask if my EBF 3 month old could attend? How would they have addressed that invite?
It's odd to me she'd want her at the ceremony (arguably the more important aspect of the day, where people are meant to witness vows and promises, which is, the POINT), and that she'd be excluded from the party part, which is loud and noisy, and likely to have much less room for "ruining" the day. A kid's meal at a wedding is practically free, also.
I'd just be upfront with whatever you decide or feel, but I'm direct and don't think it serves any purpose not to be honest. Especially with family. Whenever there's been a question of whether or not DD is included in an event, we just ask the host. If they say kid free, we make our decisions based on our comfort level.
I'd ask step sister if she meant to exclude DD from the reception if she serves as FG. Perhaps it was an oversight. If it wasn't, I'd say thanks but no thanks, and determine how you will attend the event from there. I'd likely have DH stay with the baby, and go to the wedding myself, but probably bail early. Because...eff that. It's really crappy to ask anyone of any age to stand up for you or be a part of the ceremony without then including them at the party to celebrate after. It's just bad manners.
Honestly I think she has no clue it's rude. None whatsoever.
Post by curbsideprophet on Mar 22, 2016 18:07:13 GMT -5
Well I do think you should have asked if she was invited if her name was not on the invite. It seems like you made some assumptions before booking everything.
I'm just curious, what's the dynamic with your step-sister? Are her parents a grandparent of your DD? I don't have any step-siblings, but if my Sis or my SIL tried to pull this I would have just told them I was bringing DD to the reception. But then my Mom or MIL would have wanted her there.
Well I do think you should have asked if she was invited if her name was not on the invite. It seems like you made some assumptions before booking everything.
Which I have acknowledged, and said multiple times they just decided to not have kids there. Like, this week decided. So even if I had gotten the invite and called a month ago, they would have said to bring her. Basically they panicked b/c they realized it would be 6 kids under 2 and that made them nervous. On top of that, if she's the flower girl, isn't she invited to the wedding? Like, even if her name isn't purposely on the invitation?
I'm just curious, what's the dynamic with your step-sister? Are her parents a grandparent of your DD? I don't have any step-siblings, but if my Sis or my SIL tried to pull this I would have just told them I was bringing DD to the reception. But then my Mom or MIL would have wanted her there.
It's super complicated. Her mom was my dads second wife. He's married a third time now. He is very very close to the 4 girls he raised with my ex-step mom. Like, they see my dad before visiting their mom because she's batshit crazy. So my dad, all 4 of my stepsisters and my brother will all be there. The dynamic with her and her whole family is great, aside from her mom. I think her family will want to see her.
To SS: "Unfortunately, since P isn't invited to the reception, we also won't be able to attend."
Then go drink wine with humpforfree and @bunnybean.
I agree with this 100%.
I've learned from forums like this. Question 1. Are my kids invited before I plan/buy anything.
However, I would be pissed if she asked my child to be a flower girl but wasn't invited to the reception. I'm sorry but at the reception you'll probably hardly even know she's there. It will be more of a scene during the ceremony.
Well I do think you should have asked if she was invited if her name was not on the invite. It seems like you made some assumptions before booking everything.
Which I have acknowledged, and said multiple times they just decided to not have kids there. Like, this week decided. So even if I had gotten the invite and called a month ago, they would have said to bring her. Basically they panicked b/c they realized it would be 6 kids under 2 and that made them nervous. On top of that, if she's the flower girl, isn't she invited to the wedding? Like, even if her name isn't purposely on the invitation?
This is shitty. Once you commit to having kids you can't back out. I wouldn't force her to have your kid. I would just tell her, unfortunately my daughter won't be able to be a flower girl. While I can try to find a sitter for your wedding I hope you understand if I'm not comfortable with my options we won't be able to attend. You can change my RSVP.
Well I do think you should have asked if she was invited if her name was not on the invite. It seems like you made some assumptions before booking everything.
Which I have acknowledged, and said multiple times they just decided to not have kids there. Like, this week decided. So even if I had gotten the invite and called a month ago, they would have said to bring her. Basically they panicked b/c they realized it would be 6 kids under 2 and that made them nervous. On top of that, if she's the flower girl, isn't she invited to the wedding? Like, even if her name isn't purposely on the invitation?
Are the 6 kids all family? Immediate family? Siblings or step siblings kids? Because for me - the rule of 'invite one kid you have to invite them all ' is dumb. Sibling kid is totally different. They are in a different tier of guests I had my nieces only despite a lot of my close friends and even bridesmaids also having small kids.
Which I have acknowledged, and said multiple times they just decided to not have kids there. Like, this week decided. So even if I had gotten the invite and called a month ago, they would have said to bring her. Basically they panicked b/c they realized it would be 6 kids under 2 and that made them nervous. On top of that, if she's the flower girl, isn't she invited to the wedding? Like, even if her name isn't purposely on the invitation?
Are the 6 kids all family? Immediate family? Siblings or step siblings kids? Because for me - the rule of 'invite one kid you have to invite them all ' is dumb. Sibling kid is totally different. They are in a different tier of guests I had my nieces only despite a lot of my close friends and even bridesmaids also having small kids.
We always ask for confirmation, because we have now gone to two weddings where I followed the logic of "if their names are not on the invite they are not invited", only to find out the day of the wedding that it was kid friendly, it was assumed they were coming, and the bride was disappointed to not have them there.
My SIL didn't have 15-month-old DD1's name on the invitation, so I started making arrangements for my mom to fly down and stay with her (which was going to be a PITA because the rehearsal was Thursday night and the wedding on Friday night 2 hours away from us and my mom works FT). Turns out my SIL was just clueless and 21 and wrote Mr. and Mrs. instead of Family for everyone.
My SS is just as clueless at 30. Some people just have no idea.
Honestly the invite was addressed to "my first name (nickname I hate actually) + h's name" all lower case, hand written. This is not a formal wedding, at all, and I figured since I'm family P was invited. I just... I get that I should have asked but all signs pointed to she'd be allowed. And that was true up until probably this last weekend.